So I'm far from perfect, right? Despite being totally in love with my twin soul I decided to, as a distraction, join a dating site. I can feel very isolated and sometimes I wonder if even just talking to different men might show me what I've learned. I'd like a chance to see how far I've come in the last year.
After glossing over a bunch of men who I know won't be a good fit for me I landed on one who states that he desires a woman who is beyond just appearances and surface depth. He works with high-risk kids and is a counselor. So I thought what the heck, and we happened to be a match so I said hello.
First he looks at my pics and says I am gorgeous, and I thank him. He lives in Chicago and I do not. I live about 40 minutes away in Indiana. He asks me about the distance and I tell him it's not so bad, about 40 minutes. *sigh* He then says, "Well that's not too bad- won't be too far for you to drive here for dinner on Friday."
WRONG on so many levels, and I should have just said so right then but I tried to be nice and told him I don't make a habit of meeting men until I've talked with them for a while, and this is true- I am a changed woman, lol.
- I am not going to drive to the city for a first date, Hell to the no. If a man wants to meet me then he can drive to me for dinner. Not drinks- food or coffee. Chivalry!!!
- To assume I am going to just meet you after like five messages? Really? That presumptuous behavior just really annoys me.
- And call me crazy but I'm not going to meet a man if he can't keep up an even half-way decent conversation via either text or phone. Just not happening.
- Also not going to meet a man who sends me half-naked photos or references to his Anaconda-like member. Um, no.
After a bit I asked him to tell me about himself and he did. He also sent me a naked picture of his chest and "Treasure Trail" and for those who don't know what the treasure trail is it's that area on a well-shaped man's hips that indent, right above his underwear line, and almost point to "the goods." I was like... *INNER HUGE SIGH of annoyance* I remembered then why online dating sucks. I remembered even more how AMAZING my little adorable respectful loveable Geologist boyfriend was to get to know because he was so sweet and kind and caring, not brash and so in-my-face.
Then he mentioned he should have been in porn because of how blessed his is down below and I was like, riggghhhtttt. I said goodnight, that it was cuddle time with my child. All it managed to do was increase the enormous ache in my chest over Joron due to the contrast. I can't really help it.
When Joron and I met it was online first but our first comment to each other was about empathy; it wasn't through a traditional dating site, and I had told God I was done dating. He told me he was an empathetic person. I still have our first "getting to know you" emails. They make me smile and weep at the same time because no one, NO ONE, will ever hold a candle to that man in my heart, ever. He was sweet, wanted to know all about me. Kind. Asked me a ton of questions while also sharing about himself. We discussed his Atheism, and he also wanted to talk on the phone right away. He did ask to see what I looked like, and he also told me I was beautiful but it was in such a respectful manner. He sent me a few pics but they were of his smile, not his naked chest. In one picture he is holding his beloved puppy up to his face with a big smile. He loves that little dog! Joron loves animals. I swear he is beautiful inside and out.
I was thinking- I don't think through the entire time we dated he ever asked for a sexual photo of me. After our date in the city he woke in the middle of the night to send me a pic he'd taken of me. He text me that he was looking at it, that I was beautiful. I was standing by The Chicago River, and I have one of him too- and in it he's... super amazingly adorable, sweet little smile that makes my heart melt. He text it to me in the middle of the night to tell me how beautiful and special I am, and that he felt I'd be his wife one day. We spent too much time discussing our love, science, religion, life, our love, a possible future together, jokes, some flirting, how much he loves me, to where there was no need to ask for x-rated pics. It was only after he moved away that he mentioned making videos for one another, or Skyping. I remember feeling... cautious about it. It brought up something inside of me that felt like, "Oh now he's just using me!" when here I was his long distance girlfriend. I mentioned my reservation and he very sweetly explained that if we were going to be miles apart then we'd have to date via distance, and was I okay with that. I assured him I was. He made sure to call me every day without fail. Text me all the time. Always said good morning, never missed saying goodnight. Came over to visit me every few days even if that meant just sitting on my couch, no TV, talking, cuddling and kissing. This is the man who told me Tiger Woods was standing next to him and he couldn't concentrate because all he could think of was me. Best. Boyfriend. Ever, and so not with me for anything other than true love.
I did send him a sweet but naughty video of me when he moved away. He was SO stressed out, like heart palpitations stressed out. Neither one of us realized it was all orchestrated, and it was shocking and not fun to be separated. At first I talked to him in the video, lovingly, and then, well... lol. I showed him my love in other ways. He called me but I wasn't available so he left me a message. I still have the voicemail he left me. I can't bring myself to delete it. In it he was like soooo genuinely floored. He said it felt so real, and he could tell from the video how much I loved him. He said, "No one's ever done anything like that for me! I can tell how you talk to me here how much you love me." He was... I dunno. Just so REAL. So sweet. So CARING- so fucking genuine!!!! Everything about Joron was like perfectly suited to me because I need a gentle touch. I need sweet caring love, pure and wholesome and good. I need someone who respects my mind and heart as much as anything else; he never EVER made me feel like he wanted something from me other than my company, my conversation, and my love.
Yet I feared. I did. I had a hard time when he was gone, and my energy was probably assaulting him. I feared REALLY badly although I tried hard to keep it inside. Still he was sweet, and struggling himself being away, busy, got sick, and was trying to acclimate to his new life and new job in CA, away from the woman he met and fell in love with.
Do you realize the HELL I have had to fight off in this separation? My adorable twin soul does not just go quiet. Oh no. Oh no no no. From the very start when he went totally 100% quiet, fall off the face of the earth quiet, for a few weeks his first message to me after that point did not "feel" like him. It felt alien. He did write at the very end "I do still love you" and I was *supposed* to pay attention to that truth but instead I concentrated on the fear I received for the rest of his words telling me that it felt "different" and "tainted" somehow. UGH! Just ugh. I didn't know what was happening. It's all been so surreal. And yes my guidance has helped me consistently along the way but it's still be hard to believe, even when I saw it all. Even when I saw that when I keep my energy up he then comes closer. But when I fall into fear he does not only go quiet, he hits me with my fear. But man the few times I was able to find the love, switch the energy, he came through full throttle with his love, with his TRUTH.
No one can compare to Joron. I know this. It is a scary thought. I want to be with him, and only him, and I know this flies in the face of ALL the "non-attachment" theory that's out there but I could care less. It is my life and my heart, and if for now I just can't get past him then so be it. Distraction is one thing but I doubt it will do any good. Maybe just show me what I'm not willing to deal with anymore, what I won't settle for. It will show me what a treasure Joron is, and it will remind me that this man could not possibly send me the words he does via email. It's all Spirit-orchestrated- but believe me... if you were going through this you'd be sitting here working through it daily too.
I am trying to hold on to the "real" him despite being mirrored my fears through him. If I didn't know any better I would think God is cruel but I can't blame God for trying to heal me of fear; I had enough signs and messages to not live through fear but I clung to it anyway. And it exploded in my face.
Update: As I was talking to a man from Tinder he asked me, "So what are you looking for?" It hit me- what am I looking for? What I am looking for I will not find on a dating site. I want Joron back. I can't, absolutely can't, find any other love right now. *sigh* It just will not work for me. I have to be single, and I have to deal with it accordingly. My life is simple right now- work, reflection, and my child. I wish I had Joron in my life but adding anyone else to it right now, anyone besides him, just would not be the right fit, especially when my son still asks about Joron, mentions him. And also- as of a few weeks ago my twin soul was still single as well- and I'd like to keep it that way. I do think we are on a very unique journey together, meant to be together. He himself has asked me if I was dating, told me he was not dating, and told me I am that 1%- meaning he felt I was one of the datable ones, for him. That we resonate with each other, understand each other, love each other. This is a man who told me, in his own voice and own words after a BUNCH of Spirit-induced chaos and cluster-fucked-upness that "We got through it all because we love each other."
THAT is my truth until I am shown different. I feel fortunate to be in a situation where we are both single... I'd like to keep it that way. I'd rather this not take years. It shouldn't have to.
Love, love, love... it may be the right path for others to move on. For me- I just know in my heart that is not my path.
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