Brave

Brave.  A long time ago my twin soul and I were sharing videos an I sent this one to him.  He told me it was the best one I shared with him, that he loved the message to it.  And I think that was a message to me, for the future- to be BRAVE.  James knew what was coming.  He knew darkness would fall over me, and he tried his best to prepare me.  He also did his darnedest to show me huge huge amounts of love so I would accept that love instead of inwardly rejecting it which, in the end, caused him to have to leave me.  And I know he did not want to leave, and I know my poor twin soul is out there mourning being separated from me just like I am missing him.

Brave.  Being brave in my situation means holding on to my truth and not allowing fear to take over my thoughts or kill my truth.  And it can be a battle but I am being brave.  It has been a long road already, a year and a half of separation is a good long time, and much of it has been scary.  But I am here.  I am in this to win this, and I am not stopping.  I will not let fear kill my love or my future.

Brave.  The other day while in the midst of a really difficult week I went to grab an old book off my shelf to share with my friend who lives with me.  In it was a fortune cookie message that has been sitting there gathering dust for ages, way longer than I can remember.  Maybe even since before I met my twin soul.  I pulled it out and read it.

"Don't stop now."

Come on... it can't be any more in my face that I need to keep moving forward, keep working at holding on to TRUTH.  Be brave, just like this song says.  This fucking song has followed me for YEARS now and I understand why: because I have to hold on to my TRUTH.  My truth.  Not fear.  When I let fear take over then my twin soul HAS to mirror that fear back to me and it sucks for both of us and I am TIRED OF THE FEAR.  I know it is not real but it is... I am just ready to have love and truth back in my life, not fear.

Brave.  This is what happens when I lose my truth- my twin soul must show me lies.  Lies=the opposite of truth.  Do you understand?  So when I allow FEAR, which is non-truth, to take over my thinking then my twin soul must show me those lies, and the suck.  The lies and fear SUCK.  So I MUST hold on to my TRUTH.  I have to be brave.  And so do you.  For anyone going through this you have to hold on to TRUTH so only truth can be given back to you, and truth is always love.  Just remember that the truth is always love.  Fear is lies and truth is love.

My apologies in advance but this will be my last blog post for a while.  I have nothing more left to say right now.  I have to be brave and that is all about me going inner now.  I am still journaling, creating "the right words" as my guidance says.  Journaling allows me to go back and see what I was feeling and how it is reflected through either the silence of the mirroring.  And listen- it seems a little hairy right now but I am looking forward and having faith that this is a Divine connection.  He will always be there for me, and it is up to me to bring us back together through truth.  And that is my priority in this life.  That and being a good mother, and a loving person.  I have the loving mother and good person down already.

I refuse to continue to create for myself a self-inflicted Hell on earth where I keep myself separated from the love of my life, and he separated from me.  He's given me every sign throughout this journey that he loves me and is aching to be back with me, despite all the shit he is forced to show me since he is my mirror and has no choice to be that.  And it must really be Hell sometimes being my mirror.  I get to show him love and he has to show me my fears.  James loves my love, always told me that he was so lucky to have found such a strong love, the perfect woman for him, and then he had to walk away and start reflecting to me my fears.  Poor man.  That must be traumatic.  I have got to find a way to stop this so only truth is communicated between us, and our truth is purely love.

Now it is time for me to really be brave.

Best wishes to all.  Let that truth out there in any way you can so only truth {love} can shine back on you.  Don't let the shadow win.  Let that light in, let the words out.  Let that truth out even if it is just to yourself.  Love yourself and if you are a twin soul- love your twin soul, and know he/she loves you too, perfect love.  God's love.

Hugs,

Jennifer

Brave- Sara Bareillis

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,

Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy

Fallen for the fear

And done some disappearing,

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence

Won’t do you any good,

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

See you be brave

Soul Battle

This is no laughing matter at all.  I feel like I am in a battle for my very soul.  Not many out there could possibly understand the level of fear, lies and ego I am being pushed through.

I don't have much to say besides I am fighting through it.  I REFUSE to slip way backwards or run off, and oh I have been tempted.  I tried to sign up for Plenty of Fish a few weeks ago but it would not work.  Literally on my computer the POF system would not allow me to complete my membership so I walked away, taking it as a sign from spirit.

It is a very intense week here on my end since supposedly my twin is here in my home town area. And he knew I was hurting, and he knew I would have something else done surgically this week- yet I've only received not only silence but a bounced back email telling me his email address is no longer active.  There is a lot to face this week- he's told me after this week he's leaving the country for six months, to Russia.  Of course I am scared.  Of course I have so many conflicting emotions like "Well if I fuck this chance up again then it will be at least six months before it might come about again."  So it's very loaded right now, an intense time.  But I have to realize I am doing the best I can and whatever happens will happen, and a miracle could happen at any moment.  They surely have happened before for us and I doubt that's going to end any time soon.

I refuse to try again right now messaging him though.  I've been here before.  And I know it is Spirit, not that he just shut off his email.  His last message to me told me he WISHED and HOPED to be "intimate" with me something this week.  And he sent me photos and asked to see me.  He wrote, "Love and Cheers."  It is not of this world and it is all to continue to push fear out of me and love and strength into me.  I know I am supposed to rely on our spiritual connection and realize he WILL reach out to me when I shift things.  It's happened before so I must have faith.

These twin soul journeys are not for the weak.  They just are not.  This is not about just sitting back and allowing shit to happen.  It takes work. confidence, trust, love.  One must be immensely emotionally mature in order to get through a twin soul experience.  I would like to think I am somewhat emotionally mature.  I am doing my best.  Yesterday was a huge battle.  I was in the hospital again getting ready to be put to sleep, being poked and prodded and scared.  I was not alone. My mother was with me, and I do believe James was in Spirit.  But I had a very VERY difficult day with fighting away pure hatred.  Seething.  Yet I know this is a huge challenge and am I going to cave to fear and ego?  Or am I going to march forward knowing DAMN WELL that he tried over and over and over again to prove his love to me and I rejected it out of fear each and every time?  I honestly feel like I am purposefully being challenged just to see how strong I have become.  And I am a very willful woman when I put my mind to it.  I will only succeed.  There is no other option.

I am going to do my part in holding on to the truth of him which is love and light, knowing he is my mirror and only out to help me.  I am NOT going to fear him and keep us separated for the length of this lifetime.  I MUST be strong.  I MUST believe the unbelievable.  I MUST know his goodness, and my own, through all of this.  And I fucking swear with everything I have inside of me that I WILL do this thing.  I WILL get us to reunion.  I will fight through for Love.  I will.  It is definitely a challenge and not for the weak.

For those who blame the other twin, run, distract, ignore the connection, hold resentment, etc. etc. reunion will never come.  Never.  It will repel the twin.  We must only have love and gentleness for them NO MATTER how tempting it is to feel hurt, slighted, disregarded, ignored, rejected, etc. None of that is truth and we must be strong and look past it.

I do love my sweet twin, and I know this must be killing him right now.  So I will continue to believe in him and us.  I will continue to write in my journal to him and know he hears me just as if I was emailing him; Spirit is asking me to stop reaching out in 3D and I have to listen now.  Now I have to take that leap of faith and believe in the spiritual connection over the 3D human connection.

Talk about needing to have faith.  But I crashed the last time we did this scenario.  I called him at the end of the week and begged him not to overlook me, and I reinforced this idea that he was "ignoring" me on purpose instead of having faith like I was shown to.  I will not do that this time.  Come Hell or high water I will NOT cave to the same patterns of fearful behavior, turning from God.  Not. Going. To. Do, It.

As much of a challenge as it is I will go inner, into solitary thoughts and reflection, and work even harder towards creating love and space for both of us, so one day we can come back together.

I miss my twin soul.  I miss my little love muffin soul mate science trip golf fanatic sweetheart with my entire heart and soul, and this is by far the challenge of a lifetime. It is a battle of love and fear, honest to God it is.  My dream is to make this happen, reunite, ascend together and NEVER EVER come back, ever again.  I want this as my last lifetime.  It has been a very hard lifetime and I am so ready to just retire in happiness once this life is over.  So that is my wish, to reunite, spend the rest of my days on earth combined in love with my twin soul, and then we go to heaven and spend the rest of eternity in bliss together.

XXOO and please keep me in your prayers if you would,

Jen

Facing Ego

I started to fall into ego earlier.

My twin soul recently sent me some new photos of himself.  He did so in response to me telling him I was in the ER in terrible pain wishing he could be there to hold my hand.  I have not seen a photo of him in over a year so it was a pleasant surprise but it still had that edge of "Here I am having all this fun {on the golf course with a beer in my hand} while you are over there suffering alone."  I'm still having a lot of energies shown to me through my mirror, and they are very deliberately being handed to me so I can inspect them and see what they are all about, where they originate from, and how to get rid of them.

I am *really* working on battling ego this week.  See- he might be in town right now.  Supposedly he is.  And I am expected to work on my energy and faith, unconditional love and understanding that he did try to give me his sweet love but I was too afraid to believe in it- and being twin souls he is my mirror, and here we are.  It's all a mirror of my own stuff and I always must keep that in mind.  I have no idea if I am going to be able to see him or not.  I hope so.  I dream about it.  I believe it can happen.  But I refuse to freak out about it or feel like he's avoiding me.  I know he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him.  My heart tells me so. 

But as I looked at the picture I asked myself... what is he sacrificing really?  Beer in hand having the time of his life.  I started getting that really shitty feeling inside that is all ego-based fear and resentment and suddenly it hit me.  Me.  He is sacrificing me.  And that is one Hell of a sacrifice.

He is sacrificing his love for me.  And my guidance has told me this plenty of times but I always blow it off.  My guidance has told me that "ignoring his love for you is nemesis."  When I don't believe in his love for me- that disbelief is what is kicking my ass.

Many months ago my twin soul sent me an email that said something like, "Our love will take sacrifice."  I assumed he meant on his end, like he'd have to sacrifice his freedom or career or living in California or something along those lines- something 3D.  Or I'd have to move to California and sacrifice my friends, family, son's father.  Now that I look back though I am wondering if it was one of those Divine messages telling me that in order to stay separated from me while I work through my "schtuff" he would need to sacrifice the huge love he has for me.  I always feel like *I* am the one over here sad and alone.  But what about him?  He's alone too- he has no lover in his life, no romance, no significant other.  This I am sure of.  I am not the only one who misses him.  He misses me too.  He's suffering from the loss of my HUGE love too, and believe me- I love hard.  I am a good love, and he loves my love.  He had to walk away from something good in order to show me myself.  I am trying to wrap my brain around this concept, and it is not the easiest thing for me to do.  Why you ask?  Because in order to believe that he is sacrificing his love for me I FIRST must believe that he is totally head over heels in love with me and never ever wanted to let me go.

And this is me we are talking about here.  And a huge part of my twin soul journey concerns me accepting the love he has for me as truth.  It has been too easy for me to feel like he could so very easily let me go.  My guidance has told me, "You are so ready to think he could just walk away from this love."  Yet my guidance has reminded me that those times when I've opened a door for him- he's not walked through it but RAN through the door at breakneck speed and dumped love all over me for the brief moment that I've allowed it, before my disbelief once again slammed the door shut on him.

It should not be so hard for me to believe that leaving me behind would hurt.  I am a good loving woman, and my guidance has told me that he "loves jilting his twin soul's mothering heart not."  That means I've been told that he gets no satisfaction out of rejecting my "mothering heart."  Not at all- and I'm thinking it is probably hurting him too, and I need to understand that and accept it.  He'd much rather be experiencing and appreciating my mothering heart instead of holding out from it.

I need to understand that when he told me, "You should accept love" it was Spirit telling me- THIS is your quest: to overcome your disbelief when someone is in love with you, and this is the soul who is going to help you.  This soul.  This adorable man, smiley and bright.  Loving and kind.  Special.  He is so very special to me in every way, and yes I can see more and more now how he has sacrificed love for me.  He is single when he loves being in love.  He wants to be married yet he waits for me; I know he does.  My twin is a sweet adorable intelligent charming babe who could land a hot chick in a heartbeat if he wanted to.  He is youthful and funny.  Witty and compassionate.  SOOO handsome, OMG.  Gah.  Yet he stays single.  For me.  And he comes through to guide me when he is meant to.  To show me to drop ego and realize his love for me, trust him.  Adore him- and know he adores me as well.

Wish me luck.  It's quite a challenge let me tell you. 

 

Surrender

I am not going to say much, sorry.  But I did want to share that I am pretty sure Spirit is asking me to fully surrender now.  And that means no more emailing my twin soul at all.  He's told me he will be back here soon and wants to see me.  And now- I am working to trust in blind faith.  "Wants to see me" means we will only come together if my energy is where it needs to be.  It really has very little to do with his intentions to see me. 

All along I've been told to defend the love he has for me.  Defend the kisses.  Know his goodness.  And I do.  He is a doll, and I will always believe that.  I also believe that he loves me tremendously and wants to come back to me.  It is up to me to let my walls down completely and BELIEVE so he can come back.  And it is to be done with my energy and intention, with total faith in God and The Divine and James.  No control on my part through my emails or phone calls or text messages.

Not many people out there realize or are willing to believe that none of those methods of communication really make any difference in a twin soul union.  Not even face to face actually because a twin soul will be anything to you that he is supposed to be.   And those forms of communication can be taken from you.  I am writing in my journal as if he hears me and feels me, and I am believing.  It's the power that I have available to me, the power to tell him how much I adore him, and that I believe totally in the good kind loving amazing man he showed me when he blessed my life, through energy.

I miss my love to the depths of my soul.  I pray, hope, wish and trust that I will see him soon.  I know he is out there and wants to be with me.  My soul aches for him.  I need to comfort him, and a hug sure would be nice.

I think that maybe, finally, I "felt" what I should feel for him.  He deserves my love fully.  He swept into my life and totally fell in love with me.  And he went out of his way to show me his love.  He bent over backwards to prove his love to me.  At the end there he sent me some odd texts that said, "What gives?  I tried and was good to you..." and he meant- why do you doubt me?  Why do you doubt my love? And he also wrote, "You should accept love."  Because he'd been trying to show me love in every single way but I was still secretly scared, and you can't hide fear from Spirit or a twin soul.  And the next day he was gone.  And the thing is- he DID try.  He did everything he could in a six-week period to show me his love and try to get me to believe in him and his AMAZING love.  If you could only see the emails he sent me.  "I believe in us."  "I appreciate you."  WTF was I thinking?  He went out of his way to plan a PLAY DATE for me and my son and him, like a happy little family.  He wanted to share his bread with my child, lol.  He is perfection.

He is God's love for me.

I was blinded, obviously.  Blinded by my past, by my fears.  By my feeling unworthy of such strong pure love.  I WANTED to believe in him.  But I was scared.  I had the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome going on, and I wrote that in my journal at the time.  Luckily I documented my doubts so I can go back and see what I was thinking, what I was manifesting.

Right now Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up on Us" is playing.  I feel like... I really need to love this man from the depths of my heart no matter what.  No matter if I see him this week.  No matter when I see him again.  He does deserve for me to defend his love, stand up for this connection, and see past the nonsense which is my own fear.  I miss him so much.  It is so beyond "romantic love."  At this point all I want to do it... hug him.  I want him happy.  I do.  I want us both happy and I do believe we are meant to be together because I know he loves me too and wants to share his life with me. 

Your prayers for strength and courage are welcome :)

Hugs to all.

Jennifer

It's Been A Year

A year ago right about now is when I started the blog.  I started it to stop myself from going insane after my Beloved and I reconnected hard and then silence once again ensued.  James was supposed to come back last year about this time but went silent after I fell into fear and then I created the blog to begin documenting my experience.

So here it is a year later.  OH SO MUCH has happened in a year!  OMG, and most of all I wish I could go back to June and stop the fear.  But I can't go back in time, alas.  All I can do is think about today and move forward.  But again, here it is a year later and similar circumstances are being shown to me.  James could come back soon.  It would basically be a re-do of last year and I don't know if that is a coincidence or what.

For me the most important thing to note is what have I learned in a year?  Am I the same person I was then?  No- I am not.  I am sober.  I am more patient.  I have stripped away a ton of ego and fear and ANGER.  Oh I used to get so angry and mean inside.  I get tiny flare ups here and there but overall my ego has quieted.  The mirroring surely has helped.  It is not easy to stay in that state when your twin soul mirrors it back to you!  LOL- it's much easier to see it, combat it and release it!

James and I have exchanged a spattering of strangely-worded emails but overall the last months have been silent.  I am thankful for the spattering of messages though because they reassure me that YES this is still happening, YES he is out there helping me and YES we are still "together."

Last year I was terrified.  I knew what had happened but I was still too scared to fully embrace that my energy was causing us to continually separate.  Now, a year later, I do not have that same fear. Not at all.  I have more moments of clarity than back then.  Way more.  I am not doubled up in pain, searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle of Beam.  I definitely no longer worry that this is just his choice, not at all.  I guess my biggest frustration is simply that I adore him and wish he was back with me.

I no longer beg God to bring him back.  I no longer write in my journal wondering why this is happening or feeling like some kind of deity is keeping him from me.  Oh no.  It is all me, myself and I.  So I am working on it.

I miss him.  I love him.  I adore him.  I desire him.  I want him from the depths of my soul.  Oh... I desire him,  Where before I was so wary of him that I could barely think or bring myself to imagine him,  now... I want him, lol.  I want him back here holding me, kissing me.  I want to touch him, taste him, feel him, breathe him in.  I want to feel his hands on my face, his lips on my lips, his warm naked skin against my warm naked skin.  I long to look up and see him above me making love to me, or feel him making out with me while gently making love to me.

It was always gentle with us.  I was thinking of this earlier.  It was never frantic or needy.  Our love was passionate but it was not that "hardcore" lustful feeling.  We kissed softly for weeks, hands above the waist, long slow deeeeeeeep kisses.  Eyes closed, drinking each other in.  Barely coming up for air kisses where I'd make small moans and draw him closer like I wanted to climb inside him yet there was little... naughtiness.  Not like we were dry-humping each other, lol.  There was no getting off involved.  Just kisses.  Pure sweet genuine kisses.  And once I finally asked him to come to bed with me that was pretty gentle too.  Love making.  Making love.  Well James does know how to give it to me good, there is no denying that, but still it was somehow sweet even in its most, er, excited and feverish moments.  One strong memory that I absolutely cherish is the image of him above me looking into my eyes... "You're amazing" he breathed to me once while gazing down at me, moving in me.  We did not have an opportunity to make love very many times before he was gone.  But I cherish the memories I do have of being so ultimately close and one with him.  But I also adore the fact that we spent the rest of those weeks just sitting and smooching like our lives depended on our lips being locked together!

I really need him back.  I miss him so fucking much.  That is what hurts now, the not being with him. It is not fear or anguish or anything like that.  It is simply that I am lonely for my lover.  For my friend.  I am lonely for my James and I really really want him back in my life.  I ache for him on every level.

I ache enough that I am willing, for once in my life, to become fully vested in believing in a dream while really really trying to listen to what my Higher Self has told me along the way.  I long for him, and I also do not like the idea of this man I adore and want happy out there being separated from from the one HE loves- all because of my own energy.  That is not fair to him either!!  My love wants to be in a relationship!  He LOVES love and loves being snuggled up at night.  I know this about him; he is not at all afraid of intimacy- he craves it yet he is alone as well.  As a matter of fact, allow me to clarify something here.  *I* have a sweet adorable warm snuggly little five year-old boy to hang out with and keep my company.  My son is so loving and he cuddles with me and tells me I am his best friend and he will love me forever.  I have that added dose of love in my life.  A presence to sweep into my arms and hug or dance with or laugh with or play with or even dine with and share time with.  James does not have that little warm body he can snuggle up with- he's truly alone.  At night time when my son climbs into bed with me, wraps his little arms around me and drifts off to sleep- my twin is in bed alone.  I know he is alone... and it's kinda sad don't you think?  James is not meant to be alone.  It is only RIGHT of me to try the best I can, give it my full effort, and see what magic can happen for the two of us.

Doing the best I can, doing the work, is all I can do.  And it has to be the writing {writing so I feel} that is going to get us back together.  The writing to constantly create truth instead of fear.  Honestly I live a very good life, healthy, secure, happy and fulfilling so there is not a lot I need to change or "heal" about myself.  Just call me self-assured.  We can all improve, of course, but I am in a good place. Balanced.  Aware.  Loving of myself and others.  I think the final step here in getting to reunion is simply fully believing in and defending my twin soul and the love he has for me.  That is key.  Believing that he is out there missing me and aching for me with the same fervor that I have for him is a very daunting task for me- probably the hardest in all of this.  But I must know it.

That man and I were at the height of our love when he left and shut off.  We were at the sweet point where two people who are in love are just getting to know each other in all ways.  Intimately too.  Like to where you can't wait to get home and tear each others clothes off and lick every inch of one another and fuck like rabbits, take a nap and do it all over again.  So I know that for him to be torn from me at the height of all that love and intimacy could not have been fun for him.  He'd just learned that his new girlfriend has utterly no qualms over and actually quite enjoys giving enthusiastic and talented head- and BAM he was gone.  I think any man out there would be like, "Fuck you mean to tell me NOW is the time I have to up and move 2100 miles away from this sweet thing?  NOW?!  You've gotta be kidding me."

Not to mention we'd talk for hours and he'd never want to hang up the phone.  And he'd already started telling me, "I so need to get back home and see you" and it was only like two weeks he'd been gone.  He'd become attached to me.  Our connection, even now, is very strong.  He did not want to have to let that go, and I know that.  James wants me.  There is no doubt about it.  I just have to shift the energy around to where he can come back to me.  I can have no fear.  Only faith, trust and love.

I do believe we have a chance at reunion soon.  One major difference is I no longer see this as an experience where I have huge expectations and then will freak out wondering if he will "want to come back and see me."  Nope.  It has nothing to do with his desire to see me and ALL to do with my energy.  THAT is what I am keeping in mind.  THAT is why so many plans between twin souls fall through, because it is all energetic.  Has little to do with the intention of the one coming to see the other.  It has more to do with the energy, love and faith of the one hoping and waiting to be seen. Any fear there and the plans will be halted.  Been there, done that and got the t-shirt oh about ten times since this all began.

I view this as an opportunity to see how much I have progressed, to gauge how far along in the twin soul process of losing fear and gaining unconditional love for both myself and him I have come.  I do believe it is a chance, an opportunity, to see my sweet loving boyfriend again- but it is wayyyy more than that too.

My endearing James wants to come see me.  I know he does.  My love,  My sweetheart, the one I adore. He's wanted to come back about, see above, ten times or more since he left.  Now would be a good time for me to finally get him here, accept the love, open that door, let my walls down.  So that is my goal this time.  Doing it differently.  I see things much more clearly and truthfully than before.

Wish me luck :)  My Beloved is a cutie pie sugar pants and I cannot wait to kiss him from head to toe so I REALLY need to get him back here into my arms again, where he belongs.  A good long long long hug is in order, long overdue.

I love this man with a love that is from beyond this world.  I look forward to looking into his beautiful eyes soon.

And a kiss.  Our kisses are bliss.  I can't wait to kiss my love again.

More Contact from My Beloved

This will be brief.  On Monday I had a day off work and it turned into an intensely emotional process of writing and crying and feeling.  Oh, feeling.  Feeling truth.

All the songs told me "I miss you Jennifer!  If only I could be with you!  I hurt too!"  I cried for me.  For him.  For my son.  The other day I had a moment when I was feeling shitty.  I was writing shitty and then my music player quit playing, stuck on a song with a shitty message.  A message that said, "If you can't remember me then maybe we should move on now."  And then, at that very moment when I knew Spirit was telling me to pull my head out of my ass and drop the attitude, my little son turned to me and said, *insert little boy impatient sigh here* "I want a step-dad mom!"

Ohhhh, of course he does.  I asked him who?  Who does he want as a step-dad?  "Yames."  James.  He wants James as his step-daddy.  Total sign from above.  A reminder that James is *supposed* to be my son's step-daddy.  He WANTS to be my son's step-daddy.  He told me so himself in his soft gentle endearing voice, "I don't really know how to be a daddy but I could learn.  He's a great child."

So Monday I wrote and wrote and wrote but I forced myself to shift and have some compassion for my poor twin soul.  This man is sacrificing for me.  He's "hurting" his love when he does not want to- James hates hurting people.  He'd much rather love me than push me or tough love me.  He wants to hold me and comfort me, not make me cry or, God forbid, scare me.  Yet he has to scare me to get me over those fears.

I need to be so strong and know him SO well that nothing about him scares me.  Believe me- I know this for a FACT.  I cannot fear him.

I spent Monday reaffirming his goodness, and feeling sympathy and love for him.  Defending him.  Probably properly for the first time in a longgggg time.

And that night, after two months of silence, he wrote to me via email.

No coincidence.

I am working on it.  That is all I can share.  And this- if you want to reunite with your twin soul then know they are perfect just as they are and they are sacrificing for you.  Never blame them.  Don't worry about their lessons and what they are learning and their flaws and their weaknesses and blah blah blah.  That shit will only hold you back.  It takes courage to see and believe that it is a divine lesson but when you KNOW it- know it.  See the mirroring for what it is and clear yourself of fear while loving them through it all.

Trust me.  Glorify them.  Put them on a pedestal.  Know they love you.  Know their sacrifice.  It's not all about your loss and your pain.  It's about them too, and they hurt.  No matter the illusion, no matter the appearance of the situation- they miss you and love you and you must know this in order for them to ever come close again.  Believe they are good and sweet and loving and kind.  Believe in their loneliness and broken heart too.  Have compassion and empathy for the hurt they are feeling over being separated from their twin... who is you.

I feel so sad for my twin soul who has missed out on my son's last year and a half of life.  I know my Beloved loves my son and wants to be with us.  I'm so sorry he's been unable to because he's helping me fight my fears.  He's missed out on a lot of joy and that breaks my heart for him.  Big hugs to him.  I love him so much.

xxoo

Jennifer