Butterflies

I keep seeing butterflies everywhere.  They must have had a late start this year.  My son and I have been noticing Monarch butterflies all over when a few weeks ago there were next to none.

If you've read my blog then you know butterflies hold a lot of symbolism for me.  I was told from above that my life is like that of a butterfly- that I used to be a caterpillar crawling lower to the ground but now I was going through my transformation to "tentatively" become a butterfly so I could soar because I am more soul than human.

Later I learned that the butterfly is symbolic for soul, and that Psyche means both "soul" and "butterfly" AND the Goddess Psyche started off as a human and was made immortal after going through her very own "Hero's Journey" and twin soul union with Eros.  Psyche had to meet the love her her life, lose him and then go through a bunch of challenging personally strengthening shit like traveling to Hades to face a ton of fear in order to get her love back and then she was turned from a human into an immortal and she spent eternity with her twin soul, Eros.  After our second date I was so stunned by this adorable man who had swept into my life, this gift, that I asked to pull an angel card telling me what he was to me.  I pulled "Eros" which is the strong romantic one and only soul mate card, the one who brings lots of change and well as love.  It's all too mind-blowing for me to think about at one time.

After I met James he emailed me about a dream he'd had of me.  He said he dreamed I told him I was not really a "homo sapian" but a butterfly.  In his dream he was sad that I was not really a human after all but I told him, in the dream, that it was okay because I was going through my transformation so I could fly.  This was after I was given the message from above about transforming into a butterfly, and it was before I researched and found out that the symbolism of changing from caterpillar to butterfly is all about "Awakening" and changing from ego-based human to living more through soul, realizing finally that I am a soul having a human experience, an energy using this body to experience life.  Put it all together and it's one big ball of twin soul divine synchronicity that cannot be ignored.

I have to stop blogging now.  I've loved this twin soul experience for many different reasons.  It's changed me ten-fold.  My reactivity has been very much lowered, and that's a blessing.  I can stand up to a lot not.  Before I was exceedingly sensitive to the opinions of others and I let my feelings get hurt very quickly and much of that has been healed in me.  I am still utterly empathetic but I am not so... damn sensitive.  I'm sober, clean, and take care of myself.  I'm much stronger in so many ways.  I have looked fear in the face and said, "Okay I see you and I am trying my best not to believe you as I fight to own my truth."  It's also shown me with 10000% certainty that there is something loving out there bigger than myself, and that when I die only my body will be gone but the eternal part of me will live on forever, and that is a beautiful thing.

I am so not the same woman I was two years ago.  I am much more emotionally healed, stronger with a large increase in my self-love.

I have for the entirety of this blog defended my twin soul.  I have explained from the very start that all I saw in him was love, kindness, affection, generosity, consideration, total protectiveness of my feelings, heart and emotions, gentleness, tenderness, stability, and overall total goodness and acceptance of me, my son and my life.  He's loved me immensely.  I continue to stand by what I know is my truth.  He is my angel.  When I am mirrored- it clearly is a result of my own energy.  The cause and effect is so glaringly clear and obvious that it's almost embarrassing at times.  I am shown so clearly my own ego-fits and fear that NOW- now I have to hunker down and totally control my emotions.  I was sent an article yesterday by a well-meaning friend and one part of it spoke to me quite clearly.  It said that self-mastery is imperative to the shift in consciousness and also the ascension of the soul, and only continued self-awareness will determine this self-mastery.

I had another "episode" with my twin soul the other day.  I am not going to record it all here.  Suffice to say I was feeling rather pissy for some reason, and I should not have been because I'd had a good and blessed day.  I'd bumped into an old friend and we sat together at the park talking while our children played, and it was the most GORGEOUS day.  I also met a friend of my son from his new school, and his mother, so I made new contacts and it was just a very nice day.  I should have felt blessed and thankful but instead I was feeling very ego-based and just not nice.  I wrote later in my journal and fell, yet again, into ego.  Along with saying some not so nice things about God I also said kind of spitefully that I know I am not so bad of a person that my twin soul would act like such a *blank* and in that blank was not a very nice word.  Three hours later he contacted me, and you can imagine it was not pretty.  The timing cannot be ignored. 

I should know better.  First of all my twin soul does not deserve that from me.  Not at all.  He deserves for me to energetically send him LOVE instead of me talking shit.  It's ALL ego.  It is NOT increased self-awareness, and it is not self-mastery.  At this point in my journey I have to grow the fuck up and stop allowing my ego to take over.  There DOES come a time when we can no longer allow ourselves the "slack" to keep repeating the same negative energy over and over again.  That time for me is now.

I am meant, at this phase of my journey, to be impeccably aware of my thoughts and emotions, and I know that sounds challenging, or to some of us it might not even sound fair but it is what it is.  My thoughts and emotions CREATE my existence and I believe they also affect the energy around me, the energy of the collective for ascension, so they need to be strong, positive, loving and full of goodness.  I have a spiritual responsibility to clean up my mind.  I've come to finally, begrudginly, believe that I must have an old soul inside of me, and she is a powerful one.  And she is creating very quickly based on MY thoughts, intentions, emotions, etc.  So I MUST grasp this self-mastery.  I have to.

And I love this man.  So much.  He's shown me so much.  He's been through this with me no matter where he is right now.  I am thankful to him for doing this with me.  He deserves, at the very least, for me to know his truth and love inside and out.  And to do that I have to go very personal and quiet now.

I love my twin soul union but I am tired of talking about it. I've said all I can.  If anyone needs to find my experience then they will find it because it is all right here.  I've enjoyed sharing my journey, and I hope I've followed my soul in writing it out in such detail.  I feel it brings solace to those who are meant to find it, who need to know what they are experiencing is REAL and true.  My hope is my words and thoughts will be a balm for those who need affirmation, hope and some reassurance.

Honestly all I want now is to control my emotions, find increased self-awareness, love myself and my twin, and yes- barring anything I've shared here- I still want him in my life as my husband and my soul love.  As my son's loving step-daddy and as the father of my next child.  I still believe he is my destiny, and I love him with all of my heart.  He is precious to me and I cherish him.  I want to only create goodness in my life now, goodness and love.  I miss James to the depths of my soul and I know one day he is meant to be in my arms again.  Know, though, I love him no matter what.  I love him unconditionally, and I will forever.

If you'd like to say hello, email me or comment and I'll respond but for now I seriously do need and want to go inner.  It's the only way I'm ever going to reunite, and I really want to.  I wish you all the best.  Stay patient with yourself and love your twin souls.

Much love to you all.  May we all become butterflies soon :)

Jennifer