On Healing

There's a thought that has come to me over the last week and I want to share it.  Like most twin souls after separation happens, I've went through huge amounts of purging and releasing over the last nearly two years.  I've also changed for the better some major aspects of my life.  All the changes were to transform choices I was making that were not at all self-loving or self-respecting.  Before I met James I was treating myself as if I did not value myself or my life.  No one around me really knew this.  I didn't even realize it.  But I was drinking way too much.  When I was stressed I'd smoke.  I spent a year or so doing that "dating thing" where I went on dates when I didn't even want to.  I was physically and sexually close with men I should never have been involved with.  I made very unwise choices, harmful to myself choices.  I once thought of myself as a wise and responsible person yet I found myself having sex with no protection. It was a sad realization the day I walked into Planned Parenthood and asked to be tested for every STD possible just to make sure I was safe.  Because I needed to know for myself, and I needed to know for any future partner.  It wasn't like I'd had sex with tons of men, no, but a few bad choices, and it only takes one mistake.  I sat in the waiting room and told myself: NEVER AGAIN.  I would never again be making shit decisions concerning men, decisions that were as if I wanted to hurt myself.  I wanted a clean slate.  I wanted to feel like my authentic self, my real self.  My "soul self."
I wanted to go back to being the woman I was before my shadow started coming up in me.  I was always very... respectful concerning sexuality.  I felt it was very special, to be shared with ONLY someone I love, who loves me.  But after being in a marriage where I was disregarded maybe I felt unattractive.  Maybe I was tired of being disregarded.  And I wanted affection not sex but I ended up in situations that were CLEARLY meant to show me what I do not need in my life.  It just took a while for me to "wake up" to it.  After I got the clean bill of health from Planned Parenthood I was like, "Oh happy day!"  And I made a commitment to only share myself with a real love in the future, and I kept that promise to myself.

I met my twin and felt safe and comfortable making love with him.  Since I'd already been tested I knew it was safe for both of us, and I fully trusted him.  There was this moment after we separated where I almost lost it though.  My OBGYN's office sent me a letter telling me my last exam had come back with an issue and I was supposed to call the office.  It said it could be a sign of a STD.  I about lost my mind.  All I could think was, "And I had sex with my twin- OMFG!"  I thought maybe the prior test missed something.  I called.  I was on hold forever while they located my file.  The entire time I was on hold I prayed so hard I'm surprised I did not pass out.  I begged God to please please let it be nothing, and I told God I'd be so super careful to not fuck up any progress I'd made in loving myself and treating myself better, that it would be a long time before I shared myself with anyone.  It would have to be the perfect situation, only love, very careful, etc. etc.  Well the nurse came on the phone and said it was a mistake and everything was fine and I hung up and cried tears of relief.  And tears for myself that I even had to go through that based on the lack of self-love I showed myself in the past.

Now it's been nearly two years of celibacy since James was the last man I even held hands with.  And that's okay for me.  It shows that I've healed a ton- the difference is night and day since before I met him.  The love we shared was so pure, so genuine, so healing that I am happy to hold the memory close to me and in place of sex with anyone else.  If I need release I can easily do that safely for myself, and it is self-loving.  James offered me back my innocence, and I love him very much for it.  He told me last year that I am real and genuine and it's something rare and not found these days.  He said he thinks it is what he loves most about me.  I will always hold that intention close to my heart.

And the drinking is done.  I have not stepping into a bar since I was out on my dream date with James.  I know I will be in a bar in the future since I want to karaoke but I won't drink- I do love to sing though.  I have a good singing voice and singing makes me happy.  And the smoking is done.  And no stupid dating.  No sexting guys just so they'll pay attention to me.  No trying to be someone I'm not {even unconsciously} because I want a man to like me better.  No wasting my time and energy on unnecessary experiences and instead that time and energy has went towards my healing and me being the best mother I can be.  No being out so late, coming home drunk, smelling and tasting like smoke or even worse regretting some bad decision I made.  Oh THANK GOD for my healing.  My life is just so so SO different, night and day, than before I met my twin soul.  Those self-hating choices were all based on my shadow coming out, ego flaring.  Not me being stupid.  I needed to heal.  I was wounded.  God has helped me heal and it's been a process that has hurt.  And I needed SO much healing that a twin soul had to help me.  I've fought a lot of fears in these last two years.  And I've grown hyper-aware of what my fears look like and feel like.  I KNOW them.  They are no longer sneaky.  I know they are false.

The life I live is simple and pure.  It's been purified.  I don't spend much money on material items unless they are necessary.  I rarely shop- I hate shopping unless it's for beads or books!  I have not bought new clothes for myself in ages since my old stuff still fits.  I have no qualms with buying at Goodwill either.  Of course I shop for my little squirt; he's growing like a weed and routinely needs new shoes or pants, lol.  I'm not totally altruistic.  I have a laptop, an ipad which we use to watch my son's little night time shows on, an a broken iphone that I keep because it still works although it's been shattered to all Hell and is held together with packing tape.  I keep my stuff until it's so old that it can no longer be updated.  I stay pretty much unplugged from technology.  We don't have TV.  My son PLAYS all the time.  His imagination is huge, and he always finds a way to entertain or occupy himself because I've been dedicated to keeping him sheltered from the "stupid-tube."  I spend my money on bills {gotta have a roof over our heads} food and doing fun fun stuff with my child.  I have a savings for my future too but most of my extra spending is with my son going to amusement parks, headed away on little trips,  fishing, Disney World, etc.  I don't spend money on STUFF for me but I do get him little toys and things but all he does is play since we don't have TV or video games in my house, only a kid's show like Curious George for about a half hour on the ipad.  I spend my money on making memories and creating joy.  I wear little makeup.  I'm totally low-maintenance.  My skin care and makeup routine takes me five minutes although I am a bit vain about my hair ;)  Seriously though I rarely ever shop!  My lifestyle is abnormal in today's society.  Lots of quiet alone time.  No TV at all.  Plenty of time with my child.  Little spending on material goods.  Loving and helping myself and loving and helping others are what is important to me... I basically live the life the bible asks us live to even though I don't live my life by the bible.

Weird, huh?  That's what divine healing does to a person!

I sound like I am tooting my own horn but I'm being honest.  I do live a good solid clean loving healthy life. 

I feel like if I met a new man, someone I liked, that I'd have much much better control over my prior swirling mind, spinning fears.  I do NOT WANT to meet a new man.  I am only suggesting if I started off with a fresh slate I would not do the same thing I did with James.  I would not let my fears control me.  I would not let my fears create my reality for me.  I'd be able to see my thoughts, be very very aware of my thoughts and intention, and I'd keep the balance swayed towards joy instead of worry.  Love instead of fear.  I COULD do that now.  I HAVE healed.  I know where the fears came from.  I know them for what they are: illusion.  Not truth.  I know how to combat them, how to own happiness instead of running from it.

If I met James right now instead of two years ago... it would be much different.  I would spend my time telling God "Thank you for my gift!  I'm so lucky to have a man who loves me this much.  I am grateful for him, and I think he might even want to marry me.  We are so happy together.   We are perfect for each other.  He is so wonderful.  He brings me such joy, and I bring him joy too.  I am so excited and thankful.  This is blissful and his kisses are heaven.  I know this man is my destiny!  Thank you!" instead of fretting constantly that he was going to leave me or that I was going to get hurt in the end... and that is what I did when we dated.  I was thankful for him but I spent more time being afraid and worried than I did being joyful and appreciative of his amazing angelic wonderfulness.   I loved him so much but I was far too afraid.  I would not do all that fearful shit now now.  Not at all.  I sure wish I could go back but I guess it does not really work that way!  I had plenty to be thankful for in knowing him, and I know he had plenty to be thankful for in knowing me- he told me ALL THE TIME.  

And that is my point.  I HAVE HEALED.  None of this "I need to heal."  I HAVE healed.  There will always be more enlightenment to achieve but I am over the hump.  I've stripped away the bullshit and I am CLEAN now.  Pure, whole, healthy in all ways.  Genuine.  Healed. 

I am so tired of feeling like I am fighting to heal when I'm at this place where I feel really strong and, well, healed.  My entire existence is different, stronger, than before.  Now I no longer worry what others think of me.  I am not so sensitive to critical thoughts of others.  I do expect to be respected but I don't get hurt by the opinions of others.  I stand by my truth.  I don't want to be told what to do by anyone but my divine guidance.  I respect myself.  I stand tall.  I know my worth.  I realize I am a great person.  I did not have these beliefs before.  But now I do.

Yet I am still separated, and I know there are many people out there who will say, "Well if you are still separated then it's because you still need to heal."  I'm just not so sure in my situation that is true.  My guidance clearly told me about the mission between me and my twin.  I was told our mission was two-fold: his role in our mission was to heal me any way he had to and my role in our mission was to love him through it, always believe in his goodness no matter what he had to show me, to trust him and to defend him.

I am beginning to wonder if my twin has already fulfilled his mission.  He played his role in helping to heal me.  And maybe it is time for me to really buckle down and do what I need to do internally to believe in him.  To really remember and hold dear to me the darling man I knew before he had to start showing me my fears, doubts, worries, disbelief, etc.  I still know I am not committed enough to doing so.  I drag my feet.  I distract.  I get pissed off.  I want to run away.  And I don't think any of that is fair to my twin.  Maybe the reason why we are separated is because I have not fully done MY role in our mission which is love him, trust him, believe in his love and goodness.  I am still scared of James.  The mirror has been stronger than I have documented on this blog.  It's been an intense process.  It is not his fault, and I can't forever associate him with non-truth.  It has to shift now.

My point is my fear now is ONLY associated with him.  If I dated someone new I would not have fear like before.  But since James was the one who had to show it to me- I am still associating him with my fear, and I can't do that.  I have to really know him, his loving truth.  Defend him.  Believe in him. 

I read the other day on a blog where a woman called her twin a "little coward" because he backed away from her.  To call a twin a "little coward" for having to be a mirror is such a slap in the face.  My issues come more in the residual feeling I have about him after all the mirroring. I'm aware of what he's had to do for me yet STILL it scares me.  I let myself be conditioned to fear regarding him and I really have to switch that around now, no matter the circumstances.  No matter the recent mirroring.  It's only fair to my twin and to God that I play my role in our mission now.  So I'm working at it.  I do feel very strong, healthy and healed.  I CAN own my increased awareness now, my increased enlightenment.  MY HEALING.  I am way more Light than I was before.  Most of my dark shit is gone, and JAMES has helped me to do all this.  Without him I'd defintely not be where I am in my growth, and he's had to scare the shit out of me {quite literally} to do it.  I have to love him for that.  I HAVE to feel inside of my heart the man I knew before.  The man who kissed me for hours, who touched me so gently, who gazed into my eyes with smiles and warmth.  Who treated my son with nothing by kindness and generosity.  Who treated me like a princess.  That man is REAL.  He still exists.  He is truth.

And I really have to work on owning that truth again.  I think that's my part in our mission together.  He loves me enough to sacrifice his love for me, sacrifice being with his love in 3D, and I have to know this and be grateful for it, love him and believe in him.