Rambling on...

This is how I feel right now.  It is a feeling I cannot describe.  It is like my soul is in love with his soul and I am always pulled towards him.  I feel like my heart is being torn out.  I'd love to say it is this calm sweet love but it is not.  He is not here in my arms so I am not content.  It is all unknown so I am not content.  The only thought I have is how much I love him.  I am so totally in love with him and I wish we were together right now.  We are meant to be together.  We are meant to meet in the bedroom each night and say goodnight and kiss and make love and wake to each others smile.  I wish to share my life with him SO much!!!  WISH and HOPE.  And pray, and dream...

If You're Not The One

I have been working on remembering.  But it hurts!  Remembering causes a big fat ache in my heart!  Why?  Because it brings him in all his loving goodness flooding back in, and sometimes it's easier to NOT remember.  To not feel that love.  But I have to feel it.  I have to bring his truth close to my heart, so I am working on re-membering our love.  His love for me is such a beautiful gift, walking under the stars, holding hands, kissing for hours, being so cherished and accepted and loved with no conditions.  After doing some thinking about this I have come to the conclusion that once two twin souls meet, fall in love and then separation happens- all bets are off.  I don't understand how people say, "Oh you have to force yourself to be creative!" because the best I can do is be a good mom right now.  I have no energy for anything else besides being a good mom and loving my James.  Really, that's all.  I used to make beautiful jewelry but right now I can't bend a wire or string a bead.  It's too exhausting to think about and I have no passion to do so.  I suppose I could force it but I don't feel like it.  I derive no joy or satisfaction from it now.  For now I want to be a mother and... enjoy my memories.  I am so so in love with him.

I have a second Disney World trip planned for me and my son, and I am looking forward to that.  It's in October.  I love spending time with my child- my child brings me joy, being with him, loving him, being his mommy.  We do a lot together, me and my son.  I'm known as a mommy who does a lot with her child.  But it is the one thing I enjoy, being with him.  Right now I want to be be entertained, not "do" stuff.  I want to go to a festival and ride the rides.  I want to go to the theater and watch a funny movie.  I want to go out and have a nice meal.  I want to do FUN stuff but I don't feel like "making" anything or creating output in any way, shape or form.  So I am not.  I am allowing myself to do what the Hell I want to, and I am loving myself for all of my choices. 

Yes, I am ONLY doing what *I* want to do, only things in my best interest and my son.  Of course I help others, that is my nature, but the choices I am making now are to keep myself as joyful as possible while I miss someone so much that I want to cry.  Yes I do have to work but even there I go easy on myself.  I do what I need to, and at my own pace.  I am going easy on myself.

I miss my twin soul.  That song, "I'm Going to Love You Like I'm Going to Lose You," is killing me right now.  I loved James so much when he was in my life, and of course I still do.  None of this happened due to a lack of love.  I adored him.  I will admit I was skeptical because when the best thing that has ever happened to you comes walking into a life that has been full of bullshit, hurt and letting go- one tends to be wary.  And I was.  But still I loved him.  And I am flooded with memories of us.  And I know to the casual observer it would seem I am obsessed but I am not.  I am not stalking him or researching him or even reaching out to him.  I only love him inside.  And it is a love big enough to overwhelm my mind, heart and soul.  It is a love I don't know what to do with.  It feels too big for me, one single person, to contain it.

Maybe that's why I write it here, to get some of it out before it kills me because sometimes I feel like I can't possibly hold all of this love inside myself for him.  I wish he was back.  I wish I'd taken one of the occasions when he came closer to grab on energetically and not let go, not back off, not push him away, not block it.  I wish we were back together already.  "Reunited" but really all I want is my sweet boyfriend back.

You know how people preach that it is not a "relationship" and they are not a "lover" or a "boyfriend" and all that crap?  Well he came into my life and asked me to be his "girlfriend."  And he said he wanted me to be his "wife."  THAT is what I want.  I miss my silly totally full of self-confidence great sense of humor boyfriend!  I want my boyfriend back, the one who insisted on calling me every single cutesy pet name he could think of, especially honey.  When James and I first met online he called me "honey" in one of his early emails and I called him out on it. I wrote back, "honey?"  And he said yes, honey.  And he said that due to my reaction he'd call me cute pet names all the time, forever.  And he did for as long as we were together, and during this time away he's done it too- actually the absence of him calling me pet names is on purpose.  It's a glaring absence of the man I dated, his truth.  His truth his ONLY pet names.  "Honey" and "cupcake" and "doll."  Yes, even doll.  "Beautiful."  But his were more specific, and "honey" was the special one for us.  I miss him calling me honey and I'd do anything to hear him call me honey again.  I still have his old voicemails where he'd smile {I could hear this smile} into the phone and said, "Hiiii honey, it's me James.  Just calling to say hi and I love you."  I have not been able to bring myself to listen to his voice for a long time.  My old phone sits on my dresser with his voicemails and photos on it- and I have not charged it in forever because to hear him... to hear that soft gentle SEXY voice click on and so softly say, "I love you," makes my knees weak and my heart feel like it might explode.  I love him SO much.  I miss him SO much.  I really wish he was back in my life and the life of my child.  As my boyfriend and husband.  I don't deny the "spiritual" importance of the experience but I don't put all my emphasis there.  He was in my life as my friend and lover, and I ache to have him back again as both.  As well as my strongest soul mate, my twin soul.  My divine counterpart- I want it all.  I want HIM back in all capacities, yes lover too.  I crave to have his naked adorable body all curled up in my bed cuddling me, stroking my body gently while we talk and get closer and kiss and nudge and nuzzle and make love.  I know "need" is a strong word that is frowned upon in the spiritual community but I do feel like I need him in my life.  Something deep inside of me aches for him, reaches out and silently calls for him... and it's a beckoning that is not wavering, lessening not in intensity with the passing of time.   It is not a need based on I need him to do something for me.  I don't need him to support me physically.  I don't need his money.  I don't him to offer me shelter or anything like that.  I simply need him because I love him.  I need him because I love him and the lack of his presence in my life hurts.  It's been almost two full years and it still aches.  I still miss him as much as I did the moment he walked out my door, except more.  

I also feel this sadness over being so afraid of him.  I miss him a lot.  I read an article not long ago about twin souls and separation that tore me up.  The author of the article stressed that they become like a total best friend immediately.  You feel comfy being close and sharing.  I did.  I trusted him.  I opened up to him.  We talked CONSTANTLY.  He always looked forward to hearing from me, always was excited to respond.  He wanted to call and say hello, and he often did.  I don't think I ever had to call the man the entire time we dated because he was always calling me to say hi!  He knew what time I got out of church and he'd call to say good morning.  He'd call to say good night and talk for two hours in bed.  We bonded so fast and so tightly and then when separation happened it felt like my best friend fell off the face of the earth!  It is so hard!  It's a grief that cannot be explained, to feel like someone is gone even though he is still out there somewhere.  Yet he could not be for me the same man he was just days before.  That "switch," the disappearance of the "best friend" and lover, really the experience can't be put into words.  It's something only other twin souls can understand otherwise it just doesn't make sense; it can't be comprehended unless experienced first-hand.

And I am left here with all my memories.  Our last night together we sat on my couch and held each other closely.  He gave me a huge bag of goodies that I went through and thanked him for while he watched me with a smile.  And we cuddled.  We kissed for a long time and it started getting late.  I was wondering if we'd make love or not since it was getting so late and I knew he was, ugh my aching heart, flying out to CA the next day.  I remember looking into his eyes and shyly asking him if he wanted to go upstairs and make love and he softly said, "Did you think I wouldn't want to make love to you?"  *sigh*  He hugged me even tighter and said, "I feel like we squeezed six years of love into six weeks."  And that is exactly how it felt, like it was soooooo much longer than six weeks that I knew him.  It felt like we'd been together for months, not weeks.  We squished so many hours together into those six weeks that we knew each other face to face.  We talked for a month before we met, and about two weeks after he moved away.  Then the shift happened and I think of that as "before" and "after."  I crave "before."  I ache for my sweet loving kind boyfriend.  And go ahead and read this and think I can't let go because you are both wrong and right.  I CAN let go of the crap and I am trying to.  But I cannot let go of him or our love.

So yes this is just a post to share how much I love him, and to reiterate and reaffirm the man I knew.  The truth.  My God is he a sweet man.  I know I say it a lot.  I know it must get annoying but oh well, I miss my love because he is a wonderful man and he treated me with only TLC when we dated.  He walked into my life, my angel, and swept me off my feet.  He showed me this love that I only imagined could exist, like a total fairy tale love!  EVERYTHING was perfect with him!  He brought me little gifts on every visit, trinkets that said, "I was thinking of you today and bought you these cookies because I thought you might like them."  Or, "I was thinking of your son and thought he'd love to try these Pop Rocks."  You all just have no idea how that touched my heart, those small yet hugely loving gestures.  OMG- I can't get over it, can't get over HIM.  I want my angel back, my gift. I was given this huge gift of him and his love, and I dearly dearly ache to have my love back.  I can hardly breathe without him.  There is no future I want to see without him.  Some might call that "co-dependent" but I call it my heart, my truth.  I DO put one foot in front of the other, daily.  I have created a good life for me and my son.  I have every single thing I could ever want... except for one MAJOR thing- James.  I don't have James.  I do not have romantic love in my life and it kills me, okay?  I am MADE for his sweet love.  MADE for it.  Meant for it.  So to be without him... nothing else matters except for my child.  My dear son.

My endearing child keeps me here, and I am so not ashamed to say that.  "God" knew what it was doing in blessing me with my child because now I can't go anywhere but stay right here on earth. So on the days when the ache and longing and heartache is so overwhelming that I feel like I can't take it anymore- I know I can and I have to because I have my son who needs me.  I just wish that James could experience life with us two now, share our love.  And I dream of being blessed with his presence in our lives as well.  He'd make such a great step-daddy for my son.  He told me more than once, so soft and gentle, that he doesn't know how to be a daddy but he could learn.  And he'd be such a wonderful father.  Sweet, gentle, kind, strong and totally REAL.  Aware, enlightened.  So yes my heart is aching and I cannot help it.  There is no "getting over it" for me or distracting or moving on or any of that.  Impossible, absolutely impossible.

I don't always like it.  I don't always like thinking of him nearly every waking minute of every day.  But I can't help it.  I can't help but have every love song remind me of him.  I can't help but think there is no other man out there for me who would be the perfect like he is.  He is everything I've ever wanted in a man, a lover, a soul mate and a best friend.  I just want to love him, so much.  To have his wonderfully sweet self back in my arms, or his arms reaching around me as we kiss, pulling me closer, always closer, would be heaven on earth.

Being with him WAS heaven on earth.  I believe this now- I believe I actually experienced heaven on earth, in love with an angel, my angel.  That is my truth, and I can't let go of it.

It is said that love is not meant to hurt, and I know that.  I wish I did not hurt.  But being this in love with another human being who is not with me- I can't help but have the ache along with the love.  I will always love him.  My love will always exist, strong and true.  No matter where he is or what he is doing I will always love him {and yeah I know I sound like a Whitney Houston/Dolly Parton song right now lol.}  But it is truth.  I feel like he never experienced that sweet true love before, and neither had I when we met.  And we gave that to each other, and we were meant to.  And I want to love him again.  I want to bless him with my strong unique genuine love and self.  I KNOW this man loved me for my uniqueness, for my quirks, for my passions, for my rare love.  I know it.  He more than "accepted" my differences; he embraced them.  He embraced ME.  I excited him.  Just knowing he could be with me, around me and call me his turned him on in all ways, made him happy.

I miss that.  I miss him.  I miss our time together.  I don't want to be lonely for HIM any longer.  I just want him back, so so badly.  I know some people attest that the twin soul energy can come to us in different forms, in different bodies, in different people... but I am in love with THIS people, this person.  My love. 

And that is all.  Me sharing my heart.  A few out there will read this and cringe.  Some might think co-dependent and obsessed.  Some might think lost in love.  Some will read it and understand- and I can tell you only the open-hearted twin souls out there will really understand me, know my ache and understand it is uncontrollable, and that's okay.  We are all on different paths.  Mine is one of love.  Undying, unending love.  I choose to share my feelings here, and I do.  I love him.  And I always will.  I was able to let my past soul mates go.  This one, not at all.  He's in my blood, in my cells, in the air I exhale and inhale.  He is a part of me somehow, and I cannot get him out of me.  He will always be here, inside me.  I just really really dream of having him also in my arms, warming my bed, smiling at my door.  On my couch kissing me, moving my hair back, touching my face, smiling into my eyes again.  My sweetheart, and me his honey.

It's seriously all I can do to be good to myself, do anything that keeps me happy, and love him.  Remember him in all our loving glory.  Because I fucking miss him like there is this big gaping hole in my heart.  Please pray for me.  Thank you!