Just My Heart {and some talk on "labels"}

Ahhhh... that middle picture explains so much, and the date on it was two days before James went quiet.  On October 15th we had not crossed that veil yet.  He sent me a photo of him holding up a sign with his scrawling handwriting, "I LOVE you Jen!"  And his smile is adorable, and I do mean ADORABLE.  It is the most vulnerable, heart-on-his-sleeve gesture:  him standing there will this silly heart-warming intensely sweet smile holding a sign telling me how much he loves me.

So much love.

I have to be honest about something.  I have been uncomfortable writing much because to some it may seem I am "obsessed" with someone who does not want me or who has moved on.  Yet again I found reference on the web of a woman who sounds just like me.  She recognizes the intense mirroring from her twin, going as far as to call it "creepy" and inescapable and until the fear is gone and only unconditional love known, the push/pull will continue to happen, and man that pulling really can hurt.  I miss him SO much and pray for the day where I can stabilize the energy and he can come back to me instead of having to pull away again, or me pushing him away with my energy.  Me running away.  She says they WILL lie when they are reflecting our fears, and that is my experience. I get lies when I doubt or when I turn from the union. That is my reality.

Putting all of that to the side though, I am very much in love with James.  There is an overwhelming ache in the middle of me right now.  Two years ago right now we were sharing blissful new love together.  Reminders of him are everywhere.  Last night was the first time I've been out to a bar since we were out on the "dream date" in Chicago.  And old friend and I went out karaoke, and I had a really good time.  It's been forever since I've sang karaoke and I love to sing.  I have a beautiful voice and singing skyrockets my energy level.  I actually might get my own karaoke machine simply because when I feel shitty singing helps me feel better.  Another guy with us is sober so he wasn't drinking either, and actually a couple other people at the bar did not drink.  I didn't feel out of place at all, and I did not crave a drink whatsoever.  I had soda and was cool with it, sang karaoke sober and all was well with the world.

Well not really.  I missed my twin soul.  I always miss James.  That is the God's honest truth.  If I am awake then I am missing my twin soul.  That dull ache is constantly there.  I can't ignore it.  I can't push it to the side.   I can't detach from it, distract from it, love myself enough to not feel it anymore It has nothing to do with loving myself so much that I don't need him to love me as to fill some kind of non-existent void.  There is not some huge gaping wound inside of me that I am desperately needing him to heal for me  That's already be done.

I just love him.  I love him like those pictures above express.  I love him to where I honestly don't think I could ever love another man with the same connection, intensity, depth, emotion, etc.  So it's karaoke last night.  I actually put on some makeup and spent time on my hair.  I wore my favorite boots.  I felt pretty good.  We met for dinner first to catch up because I have not seen this particular friend since... high school maybe!  It's been ages.  Her friend joined us and both were easy to talk to, interested in the paranormal, artistic-types, writers, etc.  So lots in common!

Her friend was the first to sing a song.  As soon as he started singing I glanced at the words on the screen and my heart stopped because the lyrics were... insanely poignant.  Creed's "My Sacrifice."  I'd just written to my one twin soul friend that maybe James has sacrificed for me like my Higher Will always told me he was.  Maybe he's been in love with me from afar, just dying to be with me, and had to sacrifice that strong deep love he quite obviously felt for me when we dated in order to help heal me.  I mean think about it for a second.  Just suspend disbelief for a moment and think about it.  This man was like a shaky exuberant puppy in my presence.  Me being around him lit him up.  He almost trembled when he touched me.  He came over as often as he could, and when he was with me he always had to be touching me even if it was only holding hands.  And he wanted to kiss me for hours. I am not exaggerating.  He came to my home, we'd chat for a bit, and then we'd kiss.  And smile into each others eyes kinda shyly, cutely, and kiss some more.  And miss more and more and more.  I remember feeling like I was going to melt into him and become one.  I remember feeling like I'd probably drooled buckets into his mouth {gross I know be he didn't seem to care.}  We KISSED like, gah, like... like in our kisses we'd found Nirvana, or Heaven on earth, total and pure bliss.  We'd get drunk on each others kisses.  He bonded with me.  He spoke marriage to me.  This is a man who said to me, "I was thinking about proposing to you when I got back!  I want to marry you and make love to you to create a baby born of all of our love that we an raise together in all of our love."  And he had to move away from me, and he had to be torn from his love, and he had to go very very quiet.  He went from nearly begging me in his sweet way to please send him a picture or video so he could see me, from texting me all day long, from talking for hours and asking for just a few minutes longer before hanging up, telling me he wanted me to come out and look at houses with him, AND he said he wanted me AND MY SON to come visit him {he said my son too, not just me, God please save my breaking heart, oh my God... sometimes remembering tears my heart out} and constantly saying over and over again, "I love you.  I just love you so much," and even telling me he was afraid he might lose me... to overnight "shutting off" and seemingly/freakishly/unrealistically "shifting" into a different person.

A person borne of my own fears and disbelief.

So looking at it from HIS perspective, yes maybe he DID sacrifice for me.  Maybe he was feeling HUGE overwhelming love for me, the same love I was feeling for him, and maybe it hurt like Hell for him to have to leave "his love" like he always told me.  The man told me he was CRYING and I screamed out in my mind that he was a LIAR.  I nearly wrote to him and called him a liar when he told me he'd been crying all morning over having to leave me.  Little did I realize at that time he already knew my every single thought despite whether or not I expressed it to him in 3D.  I can go back through those conversations and see where he showed me his huge real love, and then where I'd have a huge doubtful scary thought and he'd reflect that right back to me.  I used to think something was wrong... and now I see it perfectly.  And I can tell he didn't WANT to tell me anything besides his truth which is his love for me.

So the first song sung last night was "My Sacrifice" by Creed.  James once told me our love would take "sacrifice."  Out of fear and wrong assumptions on my part I assumed he meant a sacrifice on MY part, like me picking up and moving out to him.  Now I don't think he was saying that at all.  I think he was maybe talking about his sacrifice, how we had to sacrifice being together for right now in order to show me what I needed to see about myself, my shadows, my debilitating fears and doubts concerning my self-worth.  When I realized the lyrics I sat there stunned.  I looked at his photo which is my screen saver on my phone, the angelic shot of him holding up his heart-on-his-sleeve "I LOVE you Jen" sign, and I tried not to sob.  I really don't think these lyrics can be a coincidence, "I just want to say hello again."  They struck me deeply:

"My Sacrifice"

"Hello my friend, we meet again
It's been awhile, where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh, I remember

When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there

When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

I just want to say hello again
I just want to say hello again

When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
Cause when you are with me I am free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice, My sacrifice

I just want to say hello again
I just want to say hello again

My sacrifice."

My last song last night was "Babe" by Styx.  I sang it for James.  I hope he realizes I know his heart is in my hands, and that I know he is missing me.  I love him deeply, and I am working very hard to shift my energy from fear to love.

There are others out there who realize the twin will be the perfect full complete mirror, and when there is tons of fear and doubt to be reflected- the shit can hurt.  Fears are lies so yes a twin will lie, blatantly, to show us our fears.  I can't help it if there are people who read my blog and do not believe that.  I know it is my truth, and the truth of many out there walking this path.  A twin canNOT only show love if there is other shit in there to be reflected, unearthed, "enlightened" by shining a bright harsh spotlight on it.  It's like psychic surgery with no anesthesia besides the knowing that none of it is true or real, only illusion, only brought up and out so it can be released.  So we can become AWARE, able to change thought-patters and beliefs from fear to love.

I don't like getting hung up on the labels "twin soul" and "soul mate."  Like a "soul mate" is just anything.  "Well he's just a soul mate and not your twin soul."  <---- there is no justification or truth to that statement.  The diminishing word "just" should not even be breathed when used in conjunction with the word "soul mate!!!"  A soul mate is not "just" anything!  A soul mate is exceedingly special. The way I differentiate between a twin soul and a soul mate is VERY simple yet offers the due respect to both connections... in my experience one is used as a PARTIAL mirror, and that is the soul mate.  The other is used as the FULL mirror and that is the twin soul.

This is why with a soul mate there are still signs, synchs and divinity at play.  They are special soul connections!  Very special but in my experience my soul mates only showed me certain specific aspects of myself.  Not everything, not by far!  There were times I was terrified of how they felt for me but all they did was reassure me of their love, treat me gently, push me through fear but with love. Maybe it got a little uncomfortable here or there but never like with James, not even close.  I was forced to make hard decisions with them but in the end there was only love between us.  They NEVER ever EVER had to "separate" from me in the manner that my twin souls does.  We had none of the unearthly quiet, the inability to respond, etc.  None of that was evident in my soul mate connections.  Maybe it happens for other soul mates but not for me.  Maybe a soul mate is more "gentle" in a way because it has to show us less about ourselves.

I want to be TOTALLY honest about something here, and it's such an important distinction in my experience.  The LOVE I felt with my soul mates and my twin soul was similar.  I am not going to lie about that.  I loved all of them deeply, immediately, intensely and the love was soooo not of this world.  Not all of them are what I'd normally find "physically attractive" yet OMG I found them completely totally irresistible.  Their *energy* was magnetic!  Palpable, not of this world.  The true bliss felt in being with them was a gift, all of them.  So the love feeling was similar with all of them. When James kissed me... I was floored and also a bit scared.  Well a LOT scared because I literally recognized the soul connection.  I'd already recognized it *duh* but the kiss sealed that deal.  And it kind of scared me because soul connections for me so far had meant "learning" and growth, and it was growth that had not come without heartache.  Big love but also heartache.

There were differences between James and my soul mates though.  I've explained the differences before.  My relationship with James was different, more somehow.  Deeper.  Blissfully slower, Magnetic but we were able to take it slow and be so real and genuine, and it was such a blessing to me to be able to simply exist in the presence of a man without being physical past holding hands and kissing.  I mean I WANTED him greatly. Ugh he's fucking adorable as Heaven!!!!  Imagine what kissing an angel feels like... sweet holy Jesus.  I'll bet kissing James feels like what it would be like to make out with Jesus... ha.  Now there's a thought but minus the scratchy hippy-beard because my twin soul stays totally clean shaven ;)  But seriously- he was like kissing unconditional love.  Oh. My. God.  Those are kisses you never want to end.  You hold off on taking it any further because you don't want to interrupt those delicious hours and hours of being so innocently intimate.  Angel kisses. THAT was different than my soul mates.  Their kisses were beautiful too but the connection itself was different, somehow it was more limited {it had to be} but I in no way shape or form want to diminish what I had with them- it was just less... faceted.  It was different.

It was not as complete as it was with James.

Major difference between James and my soul mates, of course, is he is the full mirror.  He's the guy who has had to do the "dirty work" of showing me not only love but fear.  THERE is the big difference!!!  James shows me the fear too, and that's a whole other ball of wax.  So maybe some of your out there are thinking... well if you felt similar love with your soul mates then go find another soul mate.  It might be as stimulating, connected, etc. and now you're through most of your deep shit so you can accept the love and it will be all hunky dory, right?  WRONG.  Know why?

Because when you have been to Hell and back again with a person you become very bonded to him!! My parents went through Hell together too and they could have split in the end and went opposite ways but they did not.  They made it through together, and they felt closer and more bonded, closer and more in love, for it in the end.  My situation is much different since most of this stuff between me and James is of the divine, not of 3D, and from a distance but still I have been through spiritual war with this man by my side.  It's not... some flight of fancy.  Not a fly-by-night journey.  I am deeply connected to him even more so through the pain and heartache.  We have an even deeper bond because it HAS been hard.  Yeah love is easy!  It feels fucking great, love does!  But sometimes when you've been through Hell with someone then YOU LOVE HIM EVEN MORE FOR IT.  That's how I feel about my James.  I love him even more for all he's had to do for me, and I can't just walk away from him now.

So shit, maybe the love could be very much the same between soul mates and twin souls.  I dunno. But the twin soul is different because he has to push us through all our fears too, not just show us love.  All I know is I am very much in love with THIS ONE SINGLE PERFECTLY AMAZING HUMAN BEING and I do NOT want another one!  I DO NOT WANT A DIFFERENT PERSON IN MY LIFE.  I want James.  I want the one with whom I've walked this journey.  My Beloved soul mate, My lover, my friend.

Can't anyone out there understand that?  That I love him MORE for it???  Not less?  Even if I am still a bit scared I still love him more for it and I can't imagine anyone but my sweet twin in my life now, after this entire divine journey we've been on TOGETHER?

So a little more on the "differences" between soul mates and twin souls...

I think of the soul mate as cleaning one room of a house,or maybe a spring cleaning of the whole house.  But the twin soul is gutting the ENTIRE house from top to bottom, maybe even knocking down some walls and shit.  Or in some cases nearly demolishing the entire house and having to start from scratch again.  And in the worst cases, having it burn down to the ground, the ashes and debris cleared away, and a brand new house built from the foundation up.  That is the twin soul.  The soul mate is doing some general house cleaning or cleaning slowly from room to room.  The twin soul on the other hand is blowing shit up in order to break it up and clear it away- but with the intent to rebuild a happy home in the end.

Or think of it like this... imagine you physically had loads of things wrong with you on which you had to have surgery performed.  Like all different areas of your body: head, arms, legs, spine, stomach, feet, etc.  A soul mate would be like having one single surgery done at a time.  Then you are left to heal for a while, gently, and another surgery is done by another soul mate who works on the next item of business, maybe a knee replacement is needed.  Then some healing and another single surgery, etc. etc.  Little by little so the cleansing and healing process is more gentle and at a slower more easily-acceptable and less noticeable pace.

The twin soul though... that's like being worked on all at once.  Bing, Bam, Boom.  Surgery after surgery, shit being removed at a fast, urgent, intense and dedicated pace.  It's more brutal, especially the more shit you need removed or worked on.  You may beg the surgeon to slow down, to cut you some slack, to stop hurting you already- but the surgeon can't stop because he knows it's for your own good, and he agreed to help heal you no matter how brutal that full-body surgery has to be.  In the end you may even come to hate the surgeon a little due to having all that shit pain inflicted on you but- sometimes that which does not kill us makes us stronger in the end.

Just some ruminating on a dark rainy morning.  I only got four hours of sleep because I actually stayed up past midnight last night.  Being out and social for the firs time in... forever was a refreshing change.  But still I wished I had my Beloved twin soul by my side.  I love him and miss him very very much.  This time of year of course reminds me of him.  I cried on my way home last night, overwhelmed by remembering him.  The sky was clear so I took a moment to look up at the stars and say hello to my love.  I have no control over any of this in 3D.  NONE.  Utterly none.  The only 3D control I have is over my own actions and decisions.  Anything I plan on doing to help along reunion is done completely energetically through my heart and good intentions.  Eradicating fear, shifting energy, de-creating that which I've created in error and re-creating my dreams.  And I DO dream of a future with James, our happy future.  I know to only believe love and truth, and yes that can be hard but nothing much about this journey has been "normal" from a "real life" POV so I feel comfortable overlooking stuff that feels like illusion.  I know better, and I know we love each other like we did before.  I know he's sacrificed for me, and I really feel that he wants to come back to me.

I'd love for that to happen.  He's so sweet and good, like me.  We are two peas in a pod, my sweet soul friend and me.  My arms ache to embrace him again, and I can close my eyes and imagine smooching him for hours.  I need to kiss my twin soul again.  I pray... I just pray for the day when we are back together again but for now all I can do is trust him and know him in my heart.  My little "psychic divine surgeon" deserves for me to defend him and remember him, like this song says.  I REMEMBER.  I don't know if this song is from him to me or me to him or from both of us but it suits us perfectly.  This is why I write.  This is why I work to feel him, bring him close to my heart, because I do not want fear to win- that would be so tragic and absolutely unfair to James!  It would be so unfair for me to "wake up" and spit in the face of my helper, of my one who only deserves my love.  The nemesis CAN win if we let it- and I refuse.  Fear is not real.  Love is.  I will believe in love no matter what it takes.

I love you my sweetheart, where ever you are.

XxOo,

Your honey