I've always loved this picture, and she looks like me. Sometimes I really wish I could hug Jesus. I have this feeling that... well, I think I already know what it feels like to hug Jesus.
This post really has all to do with me, this path I am on, and my fellow friends out there who have these soul connections in your lives. I feel you.
Some of us struggle on this path. I know I have. I get emotionally weak and vulnerable and I don't always know where to turn. The pain sucks me down and all I can feel is darkness and my ego-based head lies to me, seduces me with it's fear-based thoughts, so then in private I feel icky and spiteful and dark emotions, and for me at this point in my journey sometimes those dark thoughts and emotions are reflected back to me through my mirror, my twin, and it can hurt. It is STRONG so I am able to see it, notice it and work really hard to ascend past the pain so it eventually goes away forever leaving nothing but love and truth but the process is intense. Some of us truly do know the twin soul union process of healing. The mirror hurts when I let it and while I am learning to control the hurt and fear I feel it's still been a struggle. Fighting through ego to know truth can be painful but it's a necessary part of Awakening. We are not meant to suffer forever, and we only suffer due to our own pain bodies keeping us in a vicious cycle of fear-based emotions. The Universe/God/Spirit is healing us of this cycle, healing us through this union.
I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer. I try to keep my blog fairly light-hearted, positive and uplifting. But I also have to keep it honest. I've had passing suicidal thoughts. I know others of you do too because you've written to me, and it breaks my heart to know how we struggle, and I think that Jesus would like us all to know that He's hugging us all whether or not we feel him.
I came across this post on Facebook, or it came across me maybe. I've had a lot of "suicide prevention" type energy coming my way. This really really affected me:
http://imgur.com/4swX4N1
"The morning after I killed myself, I woke up. I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels. The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed. The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication. The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach. The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started."
By Meggie Royer
And there is a comment on this post that sums it up very well. Someone wrote that when we kill ourselves we don't end our pain we just pass it on. We pass it on to mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and friends and lovers and teachers and coaches and little children, our own children. As a parent... I can't even consider the thought, and as a child of two parents, well I just keep those people in mind when I feel like I can't take it any more. We all have to remember that the pain does not end- it stays with those we leave behind. We don't end pain when we choose to take our lives. We just pass that enormous pain on to all of those who love us and who have to now mourn. We all have a reason for living, and The Universe is only trying to heal us of our emotional pain body so we can live freely, and yes the twin soul union specifically does this for us, and it's why it can sometimes hurt so bad. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself so so well. Baby the shit out of yourself. Treat yourself to ice cream and a movie and a pedicure and whatever else your little heart desires. Adore yourself. Be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself like a child. And remember there are people you can talk to as well. You can write to me if you feel you need a kind hopeful word and I'll always respond yet I'm no counselor but a friend. There is also the suicide prevention hotline when you feel you need help RIGHT NOW:
1 (800) 273-8255: National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 24 hours 7 days a week.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Again I hate to post something so "down" yet it's so real that I felt the need to address it. You are never alone. Suicide is NEVER an option. There are people out there who will listen to you- even if it's a good-hearted stranger on the other end of the phone whose every intention is to convince you that your life is worth living.
Hugs to you all,
Jennifer
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