Cuddle

I feel like I am slowly losing my mind.  The deep love, ache and desire I feel for James feels like it is pushing me towards some kind of edge and I am not sure if that is a good thing, bad thing or maybe just neutral.  Maybe a good thing because the farther I go in this I realize how "unreal" some of it has been {as in the stuff that seems scary} and now I am able to be pretty non-reactive because I know his truth, and his truth is that he loves me.  He has still shown me things I am working on, and I making it my mission to get through this to the other side.  Where I know he is waiting for me.

Missing him is the hard part.  OMG I fucking miss him.  It's like even my hair aches.  I love him so so much.  Nothing else matters to me in our experience besides the fact that I love him and miss him tremendously and I feel like we are meant to be together.  And I will hide nothing from him.  Nothing.  I feel like I could tell James anything about me, anything that is true, and he will honestly always love me and accept me.  I believe this is "truth" between twin souls.  Totally only unconditional love but, and here is the huge "but," that unconditional love will only be shown when there is no fear, doubt, skepticism, bad thoughts, etc. that can be manifested and reflected back instead of only pure unconditional love and acceptance.

He truly is the last thought on my mind as I fall asleep at night.  Usually I am thinking love to him, almost like prayer, as I fall asleep.  That's a change from how sometimes in the past I'd be mad and "mother fuck" him in my head as I fell asleep... I have not always been perfect in my thoughts, believe me.  Hence why we are still separated.  But now I am really trying to stay super aware of all of my thoughts and intentions.  I keep reading about how, right now, twin souls and other people too are really being pushed to be conscious aware responsible manifestors, and this is happening by showing us our manifestations very quick, hard and intense.  We are having a thought, or more often we are actually speaking or writing something into existence, and suddenly we see it.  And if it's a GOOD thing then wonderful!  Great!  Sometimes we don't notice the good stuff though.  It's when it's something that hurts- that is when it grabs our attention.  We have a bad moment and spout off to a friend, or pound out a hurtful email and even totally delete it... but the energy was put out there.  And we are being made responsible for that energy so those emotions we throw out to the universe are being shown back to us, usually through how someone {mirrors} treats us.  And this is happening very fast right now.  We are being shown that YES we are manifestors and YES we are creating and YES we are the only ones who can control what we are creating.

James is also my first thought in the morning.  I wake and wish he was with me.  I want his arms around me as I open my eyes to the morning light.  I wish that his sweet face would be the first image in my eyes after a night of sleep.  I want him with me, and I know with me is where he belongs.  We belong together.  I feel this strongly, and my heart knows James feels the same way.

I am trying very hard to be a conscious manifestor.  It means keeping my mouth shut about my twin soul union to anyone in my life.  Really- it's such an odd "unreal" situation that there is no use in talking about it at all.  Why?  Because I never ever want to reaffirm anything that has happened that I don't like or don't want more of.  Because if I speak of it then I energize it and could get more of it, and I don't want that.  So I'm working to stay quiet.  I have a few people close to me who I feel free and safe to say, "I really am missing James a whole lot," and they love me and understand.  I have a couple dear friends who have always known I am "different" and they accept my journey and accept that I love him and support me, thank God for dear friends.  And my son.  He is so sweet.  He told me the other day that James is a really good nice man and he is in my heart.  He said, "Right mom?  James is in your heart?"  And I told him that yes, James is in my heart.

But I wish he was in my arms too, in our life.  Life would finally feel complete if James were with us.  We are meant to be together- and I think this is why anything else does not feel "right."  I go places and feel like something is missing... and it's his presence in my life.

I try to escape into fiction and half the books I pick up have something in them that remind me of James.  One had a Geologist in it named James who was an Atheist {really!?}  And the book I finished last night, the male romantic lead character felt so much like James in how he loved his woman, cared for her, was super attracted and committed to her, and I put the book down when I was done and thought, "Of course."  The woman in the book was talking about how she knew he'd be an excellent husband and father, and they were talking about having a child... and it sounded so much like us but I am used to that now.  We had those talks too.  And I am no longer surprised when I am clearly and strongly reminded of him, our love, our truth, the times we spent together, and how he loves me.  I guess maybe it is so I don't forget.  So reading is not always an escape.

Nothing really is.  He is pretty much always right here in my mind and heart as long as I am awake.  I was thinking this morning that if anyone ever read my journals they would think I have totally done lost my mind.  And maybe they would be right.  I think my mind has quieted quite a bit.  If my mind was in control I'd have given up already.  I would have quit trying.  But my heart is in control so I keep working at it, and for me I have to write, kind of like my own form of meditation, quieting my mind, the racing thoughts, any worries, etc.  My writing is like affirmation.  I just have to be very careful, aware and conscious of what I write.  Here, in my journals, in emails, etc.

I used to be one of those people who would say or think, "I have the right to feel what I want to and say what I want to and think what I want to... and privately write what I want to even if I am pissed off at the world!!!"  I have since learned that YES I have the "right" and ability to do so- but I will face whatever my thoughts/words/emotions create.  So there comes a point where the stubborn willful bullheadedness has to disappear.  I allow myself to miss James and feel some sadness, that "blue" feeling when you ache for your lover like in that Elton John song, since I wish he was here with me and the missing him can really make my heart ache.  But I no longer allow myself to feel any fear, anger, resentment, doubt, skepticism, etc. towards him or about him.  Only love and to me missing him and desiring him back with me is a form of love. Even my tears... they are all from a place of love, desire and adoration, from my heart. 
 
I've been trying to write more to him, like in my journal.  To him.  Not just to God or to myself or my soul or whoever I write to about myself, all this, my feelings and James.  But instead to James, like he's hearing it.

Cassady Cayne is the one twin soul guide who speaks to me the strongest.  Her guidance is always timely and resonates with me in a lot of ways.  She said the person we need to work through this with is our twin.  Not through a forum.  Not through friends or psychics or talking to anyone else but working through it with our twins.  So I am trying to be responsible and aware, and it does not always come easily.  I get triggered and then want to vent to a friend.  But I am trying not to do that anymore.  I am working to stay calm and either talk to "God" in my journal or talk to James in my journal.  And sometimes when I get tired of writing I remind myself that he can hear my thoughts so I "think" to him.  And I am working to keep ALL of my thoughts concerning him loving, kind, gentle, caring, considerate and trusting.  In the past they were not, not at all.  I am not surprised I've experienced what I have in this union.  I really am not.  I don't write here on this blog all of the shit thoughts I've sent to James when I am alone in my mind.  But I am getting much better on not even feeling those things at all.  I don't "hurt."  I am getting closer to feeling only love.

And a lot of missing him.  I long for him, ache for him, crave him.  Strongly.

I wish we could cuddle again.  He's so sweet to cuddle with.  Warm and safe and loving.  I would be happy to cuddle with him for the rest of my life.  He is such sweet love.  *sigh*

I am so in love with him still, and I miss him to the moon and back.  My love.

Hugs,

Jennifer