Loving James and missing him is about all I feel concerning my twin soul union.
I miss my loving caring friend so much that it is killing me inside. I remember James as a good kind compassionate and caring man. A loving man. A friend who cared about me and my welfare. A compassionate human being who told me he'd never want to hurt me, it would kill him to hurt me. He is everything I've ever asked for, all my dreams come true wrapped up in one single cute little man. A man I feel deeply in love with too long ago. And I am really REALLY hurting. This is why if anyone asks to talk one on one with me right now about twin souls I just can't do it- I'm sorry. I am working too hard on not losing my own shit. I can't really discuss twin souls right now with anyone else.
To know I had heaven in the palm of my hands... makes me want to cry. I am so appreciative of his huge love and thankful for him and that I met him but can't I just have him back now, in my life, TRUTH, my caring friend? He was more than just a "friend" but we were more friends than lovers. I miss my friend more than I miss my lover. I miss the guy who held my hand all the time and smiled at me and made me laugh and who was so totally funny and friendly and silly and... just perfect.
I am so sad.
I love him so much.
My heart is aching.
I could sit here and tell you all the reasons why I don't like being a twin soul but I won't. Instead I will tell you that the adorable human being with the wonderful heart and shining soul I met- I love him with everything I have inside of me and I WISH so so so much that I could talk with him again. Like we used to. Our long friendly loving conversations. His SO sweet voice, oh he has such a darling voice and I have not heard it in such a long time, and I HURT so bad because I miss James.
I miss my friend! How can a human being be expected to get through this experience? My son is who pulls me through; my dear sweet child is my reason for living. I had the answer to my prayers when James was with me. It was heaven being with him, total bliss. I can't begin to explain to you what it feels like... being like this. Missing his voice. Aching to see his smile again. Dying to just have a normal regular human to human conversation where he can be his truthful honest normal sweet friendly self again!!! I just want to talk to my friend, and I know he is out there! I know James is still the considerate caring person he was when we met. I know the man who sat and kissed me for hours still exists. He is truth. THAT MAN is truth, the loving caring guy. It is so frustrating to have to experience what I created, and work so hard to try and change it back... I want what I had back.
The James I know is my truthful honest caring friend, I'll know his truth when I finally feel it. I pray to one day finally get a response from him that "feels" like James. Really like James. Reflecting love and truth back to me. I am SO working to get there. You have no idea how difficult it is to focus only on love and truth when I have so much dislike for my path. I try not to focus on that and instead concentrate on the love I feel for James but it's difficult. Thankfully I do love my twin soul. I think he is wonderful, and I love him. I just miss him and could use a dose of HOPE. Something. Something to help me hold on and have hope and not feel so so sad. It is easy to feel hopeless after so long. I just need a wee bit of light, something. Something to hold on to, to give me hope. I miss him so much and I always hope and wish to see him again. Prayer lately... I have issues with. But my heart calls out to James. I miss my sweet dear friend. I know him, and I feel that he loves me and cares for me but I wish we could talk again. I want to see him. I miss him so very much. I wish I could feel his soft tender touch again, the way he'd cup my face before he's kiss me, smiling as he did so. How he made me laugh. We walked together hand in hand, smiling like kids. He told me he wanted me to be his wife and sleep next to him every night. He told me he wanted to be my son's step-dad. He told me he loves me so much and wants me to be his forever, even in heaven. He said he wants to grow old and gray with me, and will hold my hand always. He showed me that he appreciates my natural beauty and he said I am genuine and it is what he loves most about me, that I am genuine. There is nothing fake about me. I am not like most women. I am unique and while some people don't understand that, James did. He liked me being unique and different and passionate about who I am. He appreciated me for who I am, and he totally accepted me and understood me. In a world full of people who "worship" all the wrong things- he loves me for being me. For being down to earth and low-maintenance, real and genuine. He loves my light, loves me for all the right reasons.
I so badly want him back in my life. In contact again. I want to open my email and find a message from James that sounds like HIM again, gentle and caring and kind, funny even. I'd be so thankful. I miss my friend so much. It really hurts and I cannot stop it from hurting. I can love him and protect him and affirm him but I cannot stop this constant heartache. I just want him back as my friend so much.
Truth. I want to hear truth from James again, just truth. Truth truth truth. I need truth. James is an amazing person. I want to be in contact with him again. In person, human to human, not just souls or energy. I appreciate our soul connection but I need to hear from my human friend again.
I love him and miss him so so so much. I wish we could go feed the alligators with PJ again. I wish he could teach me how to golf. I wish we could dance together. I wish we could hold hands and walk under the moon. I want to make him Shepherd's Pie. I'd love to talk science again with him- I just love his science. I miss my Atheist. I miss our intense fun conversations and debates about religion and God and science, but how different I feel now than then! Wow. But I remember his Atheism and flair and how passionate he was about his feelings, how he feels about education and animals and humanity in general. Such a progressive free-thinker and GOD I miss him- people like him are totally unique. He is a gem. I miss him so much. Just to hear his sweet kind voice again, speaking truth, would be a miracle to me. My heart... it aches more than I can find the proper words to express. I feel like my heart is bleeding.
You can't understand if you have not experienced it, and if you have- my heart goes out to you. I pray for all of us that our situations shift around and these people we love and care for so much can come back into our lives again.
Jennifer
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