"Touch"

Ahhh thank God for The X-Files.  It is my escape.  I think the whole premise of never giving up and how they had to believe in their truth despite all of the odds and the "facts" that said otherwise.  It is reflective of the life I live.  The show always spoke to me long before I knew any of "this" was coming, this alternate life that most people could never understand.  And I really love the love they have for one another on the show.  They are definitely written as soul mates, and often fiction is not far off from the truth.  You can tell even as people there is a spark there; they care for each other.  For some reason, as silly as it sounds, this show totally has defined my life so it speaks to me and helps pull me through.  It's one of my "touchstones."  It helps me stay here.  Sounds so dumb but it is one of my loves, one of the things I love most in my life!  I am not the only one.  I think the show speaks to those of us who lead "spooky" different lives, and for those of us who are totally into how much the two characters love one another not based on blatant sexual attraction but a deep respect and compassion for one another. Soul mate love.


I love this fan video.  I love this song, "Touch."  "God I want to feel again."  Falling in love at the first touch.

There is not much in my life that keeps me truly "happy" right now so I latch on to what does and hold on for dear life.  My son is my main source of joy.  Planning another Disney trip brings some fun and happiness.  I know how much he loves it and quite frankly I wish I could live at Disney World.  I wish I had a job there and my son and I could live there.  That said, I live in Indiana, lol.  Because I am not just "happy" I have to work to be happy.  I do have to "create" happiness through fun things, etc.  But still always I am missing James, always, and it's not the happiest feeling in the world to remember a love so pure and good that is not in my arms right now.  It makes my heart ache.

I keep reading that sadness is ego.  And that we are not meant, as souls, to feel sadness- only joy.  Well that is pretty damn hard when I am in love with someone who is not in my life.  It is hard when we don't talk, and for no reason!  There is no "real life" reason why we don't talk.  We had no falling out.  We are friends.  ARE- nothing changed!  So to not talk with him is absolutely killing me inside.  TOTALLY KILLING ME.  It is not normal at all.  He told me we would be friends forever and I know James.  I know he is a good kind compassionate man who would still be talking with me if he could.  I feel that he's hurting too, wants to talk with me.  Probably is dying to come through and be REAL and ease my mind and heart.  I think he realizes how sad I am- but I can only hope he also knows that I don't think it's his fault.  I know it is not.  I am just very sad because I miss him and wish to speak to him again like we did before.  Even like our very first conversation when we were just friends, before we met and really fell for each other.  We are still friends like we were back then.  I want to talk with my friend!!!  Maybe once I have that friend and love back in my life THEN I will be able to achieve a state of effortless joy.  I feel that James still love me too, like he did the last time I saw him.  Nothing has changed.  Anything that appears to be different is only an illusion and I know TRUTH is we are the same, same love and friendship.  Caring and compassion but without him life is just... meh.  I fight for happiness when I just want to be effortlessly happy.  I deserve to be effortlessly happy!!!  And please don't tell me "happiness comes from within" because when you miss someone as strongly as I do every single day then that inner happiness is overridden through this constant ache.  I swear to GOD if I had that strong loving compassionate wonderful "romantic" companion in my life EVERYTHING else would be fine.  No storm, nothing could derail me.  I am the kind of person that without romantic love in my life I am just not happy.  I want that love in my life.  Something is totally missing in my life without him.  Especially when I've already met the love of my life and he is not here.  I can't help but feel just "meh" much of the time without him.

I can't help it.  I really can't.  I can't try and force some kind of constant soul happiness when my heart is aching so strongly.  I can't just erase him from my memory- he is always there.  I wake in the morning and I can feel him.  I woke this morning thinking of our kisses and I will admit I emailed him.  I wrote to him and told him I remember our sweet kisses, losing ourselves in the beauty of one another.  I told him I miss him and I still believe in him and his goodness, and as always I am hoping that one day I can hear his truth again.  TRUTH.  But in the mean time I can only achieve so much emotionally.  I can really try not to feel any anger or resentment about all this.  I realize fully that I created everything I do not like.  I can't blame anyone else.  I did it.  And I am sorry I did it but I didn't know any better.  I did not, as a human being, ask to be a strong manifestor.  That was something that was chosen for me and it's taking some time for me to understand it and use it properly to where I am not wanting to die from the things I'm creating. 

The relationships that last are usually the ones that are based on a strong friendship.  I felt he and I became good friends.  I really do.  And I love and miss my friend.  I don't know if that is a good thing energetically or bad.  I don't know if missing him will keep him away from me.  I only know it's really hard for me to not miss him and want him back in my life.  I still imagine a life with us together.  Married.  A family.  Him as PJ's step-daddy.  Us kissing and hugging always.  Together!  Waking next to one another, being able to cuddle all night long.  Cooking together or for one another.  Being good to each other.  Traveling and loving life together.  I want to hug him again so bad.  I want to hold him.  I'd cry.  It's been so intense and I really NEED to feel my honest true friend again.  I miss him and yes sometimes it makes me sad.

It's how I feel.  So I try and do stuff that makes me happy.  Share time with loving caring friends.  Watch a good movie or read.  Now I am rewatching The X-Files and I started Supernatural.  I need an escape into fiction I suppose.  Sometimes I need a break from life, break from thinking, an escape.

I want to escape into his arms.  We were so good together.  SO GOOD.  And you don't understand what it is like to kiss your love before he leaves to go far far away and then... all this time later I still have yet to hug him again.  It is very hard to take.  It's a really painful way to learn.  My heart aches for him.  My heart calls out to him.  I PRAY so hard to hear from my love soon.  My love.  The man who sent me funny links all the time and made me laugh.  Who talked with me on the phone for hours, until morning, about us and love and our future or we discussed science or religion or the world.  We talked.  A lot.  We were always in contact, always.  He made sure of it.  He was so considerate of making sure to reply to me or check on me or just say hello or his countless I love yous."  James always always said I love you.  I miss those I love yous.  I wish I could get another one.  It is not easy to know I had the best man in the world in my life and suddenly he just disappeared and I've been aching to hear from him for a really long time now.  He has such a happy sweet little face.  A glowing smile and I can remember how he smiled at me the first time we met.  I still totally can see his adorable face in my mind.

Life felt best when I was with him.  It was so good when I was with him.  I am having a hard time doing without him. I just want him back here hugging me and holding my hand and kissing me again.

I don't know what to do.  I can manage to release everything else but I just cannot shake this damn sadness.  It won't go away no matter what I do.  I miss his happy face.  I love him so much. Even to just have a real conversation with James.  A REAL conversation.  Not damn fear mirroring!  NO!  I want to talk to the REAL kind honest loving man I met and dated and fell in love with who fell in love with me too.  I want to talk with him.  I'm begging God- please let me talk with that man again.  I really am working hard to make that happen.

 I cannot do without you.

 "Faces"

Pour me some wine, join me tonight
Surround me with your happy faces
Share some fun stories, stay up all night
Surround me with your friendly faces
Then look at me, when I'm not aware
Then you'll see, I cannot do without you
I'll be right there, if you ask me to
If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you
And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand
Like I know you'd do for me too, like I know
You'd do for me too

Pour me some wine, join me tonight
Life is so good when I'm with you
I needed the laughs, I needed you tonight

So look at me, when I'm not aware
Then you'll see, I cannot do without you
I'll be right there, if you ask me to
If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you
And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand
Like I know you'd do for me too.
I'll be right there, if you ask me to
If you're feeling sad, I'll stay with you
And if you're scared, I'll hold your hand
Like I know you'd do for me too.