I heard this song today. Absolutely beautiful lyrics, sweet voice. Hearing it brought tears to my eyes.
I know people everywhere are suffering and my heart goes out to them. I suppose we all have our own battles. This human thing is a challenge.
But this song *sigh* I wish James could have stayed with me. We were such a perfect fit in all ways. I love his mind. I agree with so much that he feels strongly about so it was interesting to talk with him. For hours.
I remember our first conversation. We had emailed and he asked to talk right away which was refreshing. I called him and he had the cutest voice!! OMG. I just remember how stimulating he was. I could have talked with James forever because we click. Funny how I did not understand Atheism at all when I met him but by the time we made love I was glad he was Atheist. I could understand it and I do even more now.
The irony is none of that matters anyway. If I had him in my presence the last thing I'd want to talk about is that. I'd want to kiss him like we used to kiss. I miss his kisses.
So much!
I ache! I wish. I wish he could have stayed and we would probably be married now and even maybe have a child. That truth makes me cry. I miss him. I ache to share with him all that we discussed.
I wish he could have stayed.
Here and there I've been blessed with knowing that sweet man I met and fell in love with. He's told me he wishes I was cuddled in his arms, that a child with me is what he wants most, that I'm a goddess and so beautiful, that our lovemaking was real and genuine and that we shared a healthy loving relationship together.
This... ugh. I want to hear truth from him now. I know we are meant to be together! I know it! This is why he came through and told me that I'm right. I'm right because I know he loves me! And has all this time and I know he wants me, a life with me and my son.
I know this. And he told me so not long ago. There is a reason why I hold on. I do not believe based on "faith" alone. I have proof.
The way he kissed me and made love with me in the spring is my proof. Gathered me in his arms and kissed me while making love with me and I know that is love.
I know it.
But I fucking miss him. And it God damn hurts. I want to know the love of my life again. Like I was so blessed to know him before. All loves and kisses and cuddles. I know that is James. I know this situation is not "normal." I'm a level-headed woman. I am more "reality-based" than spiritual. What I really want is a happy life with James. I want the life we talked about.
Sushi on the beach. He said we would be married on the beach and have sushi at our wedding. I want it small with PJ there with us while we get married. I want that dream life with him so much.
I want him to come home.
I can't believe I have survived such ache. My son helps. Man I turned on Christmas music on Sunday while I putzed in the kitchen. My friend Shannon had to work but I kept her kids with me. I knew PJ would like to play with them when he got home from his dad's at noon. Well the songs! The damn Christmas songs talking about wanting to come home or "All I Want for Christmas is You" or "Blue Christmas" absolutely kill me. I was standing at the sink trying not to cry and my son came over and hugged me and danced with me. Like a little old man in a child's body.
I don't think I would still be here if it were not for me son. I can barely take this but he keeps me going! He is such a dear sweet child. And he still says he misses James too. My sweetie.
I wish James could be with us. He would be the best husband ever and such a blessing in my son's life.
Nothing feels right when I write it here. This is mostly why I don't post as much as I used to. All I can say is I miss James a lot. It has been too long since I've spoken with the sweet man I met, dated and fell in love with. My heart is aching, and I don't like any of this right now.
It is very hard to focus on the magical parts of life when a person is so so so sad and missing someone. I find it almost impossible. I cry all the damn time. I make sure to count my blessings but even though I am thankful for what I have- that thankfulness does not take away my loneliness.
I hope you all have good holidays. I'm trying the best I can to be thankful, enjoy my blessings and not let the pain of missing him override my holiday season. I am tired of being sad at Christmas time. I would love to have a happy honestly joyful love-filled Christmas. I would love for the man I love to be by my side laughing together with me throughout the holidays.
And yes I still say this "thing" is about romantic love. People can lecture and say twin souls are not about romantic love, etc. etc. and all I will say to that is I fell in love with James first. Before any of the separation and "mirroring my fears" came into play- we fell in love with each other. To me this is about love. Nothing more or less.
I want something to change, something that will bring me happiness, peace, freedom and joy. Because right now I do not feel those things. Instead I pine and long for a man who is not here in my life, and it does not feel good.
What felt good was talking with James, laughing with him, being with him like two NORMAL humans are together.
I love James. I wish it could be more like it was when we met. I wish it could be "real" again instead of this stupid silence and nonsense. The silence is bullshit. We should be talking. We talked all the time, and we got along well. We looked forward to speaking with one another, and even while separated there were times when he needed to talk to me and we talked for hours and hours and he said he was afraid to lose me and needed me in his life. I know he loves me. I know he loves me but I am just so tired. I want him back, or at the very least some sign of him. A kind message. A visit. Something. What I really want is what he said, that he wants me in his life. THAT is what I want. Now.
I am not happy right now. I love him but I am still terribly sad and I am not going to try and fake it on the inside. I am sad. I want to talk to James and see him again. Like normal people do. Like we did at first. Real, honest, truthful. Real.
I want to laugh with him and see his smiling face. I want to speak with the kind man I know he is. Maybe I don't know what surrender means or I cannot achieve it because I will tell you- I do not accept all of this. I am not at peace. All that really matters to me is this man. I love him. I wish every single day we could go back to how we were, just loving and kind to each other. He told me he loves me and always has and wants me in his life, and that's all I want! For us to be together, and I know he loves me. I need something to change, soon. I need affirmation, hope. I need to talk to my friend again. I miss him with all of my heart. I miss him more than I can express in writing. You'd have to climb inside of me and feel my overwhelming emotions in order to understand.
I want a happy life. I want love in my life. I want James so much. I remember kissing him and sitting with him and talking, laughing, kissing and how sweet it was. I also remember when he was last here how he pulled me to him and held me, and then he kissed me. I did not know what to expect. I was very nervous. But he sat on "his side" of my couch and pulled me to him and held me against his chest and then kissed me and... I know it was love. I know he wanted to see me and was glad to be able to and he needed to be close to me, too. I KNOW it. I just wish I knew how to get him back. I wish I knew. Because he is all I want, to have him back. To have him in my life again. He showed me so much love, and we've been back and forth over and over again in this- and I need to hear from him.
So I'll keep focusing as well as I can. I have to keep pushing certain thoughts away, and I have to be careful with what I say. I think I'll just not say anything out loud. I tend to want to be home. I don't really like going out, not even to karaoke right now. I'd much rather be in the comfort of my home, with my child, in my jammies. That is where I normally feel most "right." Maybe a movie or a trip to the arcade or coffee shop, and I do a lot with my son but just me alone? I hate going places fucking alone. I'd rather stay home. I visit family or my close friends but I don't like going out karaoke because I'd rather be home if I can't go out as a happy couple. I SO MISS GOING OUT ON DATES but I want to go out with James- I had such fun with him! I am lonely without him. I don't really feel like doing much right now if it does not consist of being with my child. Honestly only with my son am I truly "happy" right now. He brings me so much joy, and I like to be with him. Otherwise- I am sad. Maybe that is weak but I am sad. Not much does it for me. I don't even have energy, creative energy, to bead- and I want to but it is not there. I've been reading more fiction because it keeps my mind busy, passes the time, calms me and I don't have to fight for the "passion" energy to actually create anything. I'm so ready to be blissfully happy and in love. Like I was when I met James and we fell in love together. That wonderful feeling of being in love. I miss that love with James. I love him and I really wish we were back together like we once were.
I want to hear him call me honey again.
I am trying my best. Sorry this is not more positive or upbeat. Instead it is honest. I really miss James and wish I could hear from him again.
On that note, I hope you all are having a good holiday season. Be well.
We are going to celebrate the 7th birthday of the little girl who lives with us this evening. I am looking forward to getting out of work for the long holiday weekend. I like being able to spend the extra time with my son.
I feel sad though. I miss James so much. I miss him so much that it is hard for me to write or focus. I feel antsy and discontent like I want to climb the walls. I hate the silence. My blog title is wrong. Silence in far from golden. FAR FROM GOLDEN. I do believe and understand everything I've written here about why the silence happens. But believing it and liking it are two separate issues. I will never like it or accept it. It makes me fucking crazy because it is not normal or right. It should not be. We should be talking and laughing with each other into the wee hours of the morning with him asking for just a few more minutes before I hang up. We should be being silly and naughty and exchanging flirty messages and photos and videos again. We should be in contact.
"Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want" means I should not focus on the silence yet all I want is to talk to James again or be with him. Together. Not apart. TOGETHER. A friend of mine said we have "unfinished business" and I thought that was a great way to put it. We never "finished." We are not meant to.
I am just so frustrated and irritated and impatient and trying so fucking hard to stay "happy" and peaceful because I deserve a happy peaceful life and I so desperately want to be happy and ache-free! But I am so far from content. I miss James and I want him and his love in my life. It causes me so much inner grief- you have no idea. I miss him so much that it hurts. And I'm not fucking happy. I WANT to be happy. I'd love to be happy. But happiness for me means sharing my life with a loving adult companion and I don't have that. So... I kind of make do with what I have and be thankful and try to be "happy."
And it sucks.
That's how I feel. It sucks having to "try" to be happy. I know the bliss I felt when I dated James and was his girlfriend. It was the best feeling EVER. And I miss being with him. I loved being with him. I loved knowing him. And not knowing him really hurts.
I am not in a mood to be all strong and positive right now. I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could know him like I did when we met. I wish things were normal. I wish our situation was back how it was when we met, so funny and happy and REAL! I wish I did not know about twin souls at all! I wish I'd never heard the term twin soul, quite frankly. Because all I care about is that I had a sweet wonderful boyfriend in my life who was kind and gentle and who fell hard in love with me and we discussed a future together and all I really want is that future with James. This experience has made me crave to feel "human." I am human. I live on earth. I am tired of spiritual rules and yada yada. I want to LIVE. And I want to thrive. Not simply "endure" and right now, the way I feel, I don't know the word for what I do. I make the best I can out of my constant fucking heartache. I let it soften me as much as possible. I try to be empathetic to the pain of others no matter why they hurt. But overall I wake and hope to get through the day without hurting too much.
I don't like this. I don't feel good. I want what I had. I want to hear from James. This is unreal. We care about each other and people who care for one another talk and catch up and check in and... respond. It's so not of this world, not what I knew before, and sometimes I wish I could go back to not knowing. God- I wish he could have just stayed with me and shared happiness and that I'd never heard of twin souls or any of this. I wish there would have been no separation. I wish we were together now. I wish I was happy.
I wish I did not hurt so much.
I wish he talk to me and be the man I know he is, the guy I met and dated. My friend who cares about me. I am so frustrated right now. I feel sad impatient yet I still want to be the best person I can be. There is so much SHIT out in the world right now. The children in Aleppo break my heart. I wish I could take them all and care for them. I just can't even. I don't have a heart cut out for watching or hearing the news. I can't see turning those children away. I wish things were different.
I don't know. I wish the world was different. I wish our country was different. I wish my life was different. I don't know anymore why this twin soul thing is going on. I am already a good nice loving person so I don't need to be made any more "nice." I love myself. I think I am a good person. I respect myself and others. But I still don't have the ONE thing I really truly want most in my life, that close loving romantic relationship. And I met James and knew James and I want it with him. Ugh- the "unfinished business" is more like unfinished LOVE. We were so very much in love with each other and that did not just disappear. It is so unbelievable. It makes me crazy inside. He should be with me. He should be with me. Nothing happened bad between us. We only loved each other, a good real strong pure genuine healthy love. Good love. We had the start of a beautiful relationship. We were only good to each other. I love him now but I loved him a lot and I only wanted to be good to him. I adored him. He was everything I ever asked for so it overwhelmed me. He overwhelmed me with his big huge love. And yes it felt "too good to last" or something like that.
I just want him back how I had him, loving and caring and kind and gentle. I miss James so much. I feel inconsolable. Turmoil. I put this smile on my face and make sure I stay... what is the word I am looking for. Diffused. Tempered. I don't like when my anguish and ache make me impatient with others {like my son} so I strive to be as patient and loving and kind as I can even when I ache so fucking much that I wish I could escape this somehow- in the past I've thought of death as an escape from my pain but that won't work because my child would be devastated. So what do I do? I have to feel it. I have to wake in the morning and immediately feel like a fucking freight train has plowed into me because that "missing him" and loving him feeling overwhelms me and the reality of wanting him so much... is still with me.
I dreamed of him last night and I rarely do. It was a small short dream. He was this guy I met and I'd seen him, spent time with him and I really wanted to see him again but I did not know when I'd hear from him, and I really wanted to. I have to tell you- this emotion of "I really would love to see him again or hear from him" wears at me. It is constant. The "wanting." And not knowing when I might- it's so hard for me. All I want is to hear from my loving friend and love again and to be together with him. Connected. In touch. Talking. Laughing. Being silly. Friends but also lovers because that is what we are: friends and lovers. We hit it off immediately and wanted to date and be together as a couple. I don't agree with the term "bubble phase." It was not a fucking bubble phase. It was real and honest true love. It was wonderful and blissful but very very real.
So yeah. What I would give to sleep in his arms. To lay next to him. To be able to kiss him whenever I want which would be often. He always told me when we were married we'd make love every night because he'd want to be close to me. To sleep without him is anguish. I want nothing more than to know he is with me, sleeping with me, every night, sharing his life with me.
I honestly don't know what to do at this time other than feel all this and cry when I need to and try to stay "positive" even if I cannot achieve true happiness all the time. I feel sorrow. I can't help it. I feel blue. I wish he was with me, blessing my life, and without him I ache constantly. I would love for him to be back in my life laughing with me kissing me and holding my hand, making love every night, being close and loving and friendly again. I miss his laugh. I miss James.
One thing. I might not like the term twin soul right now but I've told myself I will continue to share when it applies. Right now I only share my feelings because it hurts being apart from the one you love with all of your heart. And I know others are out there and some feel ashamed or wrong for loving someone so much, for aching so deeply. Well I do not feel ashamed of how intense my feelings are. They are my feelings; it is my heart. I've told myself I will keep sharing no matter how disenchanted I get with this situation or how strongly I miss him. I don't necessarily like this situation right now but for some reason I think I am meant to be honest and raw with how I feel. I love this man and I have shared that here for almost three years now on this blog and I continue to hope that sharing my feelings and my thoughts can help even just one person feel not so alone. I know this is a hard experience because when we love people we really like for those people we love to be close with us and a part of our lives. Especially that one special person. So I feel you.
Take care,
I wish that I could see my Love over the holidays this year. I wish that so very much. I wish I could share Thanksgiving with him. I wish we could exchange "Merry Christmas." I wish he was coming with me to my family parties. He does not like turkey though... I'd make him something different. He said our parents must have had hot turkey sex since he counted backwards and thought we could have been conceived on Thanksgiving. He is silly and funny like that, and I dearly love and miss his goofball nature.
I wish we were talking right now. I wish I could share with him honestly and freely and have a good real friendly caring fun conversation with him like we used to. I miss our conversation. We used to talk for hours. Literally. He always said he hated hanging up or saying goodbye and he'd ask me to stay on just a little longer. Or else he'd call on a Sunday morning after church just to say hello. He knew when I'd be done and he liked to pop in to say hi. It was always very thoughtful, and when I look back I realize I never really called him. I did not have to. He always called me. He was always there. We were always in contact.
I wish I could make James dinner. We had dinner once at my house but I forgot and fed him turkey sausage and he doesn't like turkey. It doesn't really taste like turkey though and I make decent spaghetti so hopefully it was okay. He was, as always, about as dear as he could be. As we were getting ready to eat he paused {and my God is he adorable} and gently said to me, "You can go ahead and thank God for the food if you'd like to. I hope you don't mind but I will just thank you." And he sat there for a moment while I prayed, very respectfully with his hands in his lap just as sweet as could be.
That is James. That is the James I know is real and truth, and it is just about killing me because I am totally aching to know that man again, and I wish I could have him back right this very moment. Being without him is so hard. I want that man in my life. Him. I want him back in my life. He was not just some "nice guy." He is THE ONE for me. The best. He is perfect love to me. If I ever have known God then I knew God when I was with James. That has to be how it feels to be "close to God" when I was close to him because it felt like heaven. It felt like my own private version of heaven, and of course I want that back. I miss him. I miss him so very much. I don't even know what to do with myself because I feel so much restlessness no matter what I do or try to do. I mean I live my life- I have a life to live. I have stuff I have to do and some things I like to do but underneath it all is this total ache and desire to have back what I had with him. I want him back. I've said this before- I don't really want or need anything from him besides his presence and his love and affection. I miss him. Yes- I miss how I felt when I was with him. Life felt complete and blissful and wonderful with James and I can't get over that. It is always on my mind. Always.
And I know there are others of you out there who feel like I do, even years later. You've written to me and you understand, and I understand you. I am not "strong" enough to try and push the emotions or the longing away. I will admit I've come close to running off before but... I was pulled back and it tells me I am meant to focus on what I want and I want HIM. And because I want James I try to focus on what I want. He means so much to me. I would be so happy to have him back in my life again. He talked with me about being my son's step-dad. He looked at my son and said so kindly, genuinely, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I could learn." He said he could teach my son science and help him with sports. Dream come true. I'd love nothing more than for James to bless my child's life. I wish he was part of our family. And I know he's wanted this too. He showed me. I wish I could have understood better. I believe he still wants to be with us, and it is all I want- James to be back with us, for us to share the dreams and the life we discussed. He was the one who first told me that maybe we'd one day sleep next to each other every night. He was the one who said he'd fallen in love with me quickly. He told me that he finally met the woman he'd want to have a child with, that he wanted me to be the mother of his child.
I so desperately want those dreams with him. I've never let them go. All along, no matter what I have battled with, I have always loved him and wished he could be back in my life. And I still do. You might think I am "consumed" and yeah, I'd have to say that I am. But Hell- I did not "ask" for this so I can't be blamed for how I feel! I can't help it. I love him and I can't help that I do. He was too good to me for me to forget or let go, not when I am the ever hopeful one. If there is one thing I can say for me it is I have copious amounts of hope and although disappointment does hurt I've never let it totally stop me. I just don't like it. I wish he could come closer to me and STAY there. I wish I knew what to do to let that happen. For him to reach out and stay. I so badly want to be an active part of his life.
I wish we could date again. Go out and have fun and hold hands and laugh together. He always held my hand whenever we were out together. He was sweet. Sweeter than most men are. He was not afraid to show his affection, and he actually enjoyed being affection and receiving affection. He liked being kissy and close and intimate with me. I miss those times. I miss his warm peaceful deep love, a love unlike anything I could ever imagine. My dream come true.
No- I have no idea what to do with how I feel. If I feel like crying then I do. If I feel like "begging" God for help- then I do. I wish he could come back. I wish he could reach out to me- and I know he would like to talk with me again. I just know it. But still I wish I knew with 100% certainty what to do to shift my energy or do whatever is needed to allow him back to me. I feel he's wanted to come back before. He told me that he loves me and wants me in his life and to "accept that." And I do accept it but my very human side aches to talk with him and know him again. I long to hold him and look into his gorgeous blue eyes- he is so damn attractive. When I think of his face or kissing him my heart feels like it will explode. I think he is so beautiful. And I wish I could see his sweet face again. And hear his gentle voice. It makes me cry- I can't really help it. There is nothing I can do about how I feel, how much I love him and miss him. I am always reminded of the Elton John song that says "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blue." Time on my hands should be time spent with you. I think it is okay to feel blue when you miss someone so much. I've come to the conclusion that it is okay for me to feel this way even if it sometimes makes me sad or I cry. I feel very antsy. I want him back so much. I miss the sweet man I met and fell in love with. I've never loved like that before or shared love like we did. I'm not over it. I still want him with me.
I wish we could sit on my couch and kiss for hours. I wish I could feel him reach out like he does to touch my face and smile while he leans in for that first small kiss... that leads to much longer kisses. Hours of kisses. The most wonderful kisses ever. There is a big difference between James and anyone else I knew- with him the kisses were not "foreplay." The kisses did not quickly lead to sex. The kisses were long and slow and sweet and kind and gentle. They were love, a way for us to be close to one another for a while without taking things physically any further. I did not have to get naked with James for him to sit and kiss me for hours and tell me how much he loved me. He did that just by knowing me, fully clothed. I love that about him. He was a gentleman with me. A total loving peaceful sweet patient gentleman. The kindest man I ever met. I can barely tolerate being away from him. I miss him.
*sigh*
I don't care who I sound. Hopelessly in love, and that would be about right. I can't stop loving him. He is always here meaning I feel his memory strongly. He told me he loves me. I know he wants me in his life. I wish I could know him again like I did when we met. That was such a fun wonderful time, getting to know James. Falling in love with him, sharing time with him, kissing him and being held by him and holding hands and talking endlessly and making love. It was real genuine pure healthy love. Real love. Perfect love.
I wish we could laugh together again. He has a silly laugh. I love his laugh. I miss that laugh so much.
James is a Sox fan, lol. I was raised a Cubs fan but I have nothing against the Sox. I've been to plenty of their games too. But this was a really great series with The Cubs this year. I wish life could be one big Cubs win :)
I wrote a post earlier about God and deleted it. I am seriously confused when it comes to "What is God" these days. It is so mind-boggling to me that I am choosing to gloss over it for the time being. I have enough in my head without pondering God. I know something is out there that has tried to point me in the direction of moving towards what would bring me the most happiness. I've always felt protected somehow too, like when it comes to major life "stuff" {home, work, money, my own good health, healthy family, good friends, etc.} things seem to work out well for me. I'm blessed. And I am not sure if that is because I don't worry about those things so they run smoothly or if there is something out there that helps those things happen for me. I'd like to think there is something out there that helps me! It makes me feel a lot more supported in my journey.
At the same time when it comes to love, like a partnership with an adult man in my life, things have not run so smoothly. It is the one area of my life that has been rocky. I'd love for that to change. I felt real true love with James. I felt what love was meant to be like with him. He showed me the love I'd always dreamed of. The love I wrote of in my journals when I was a teen-ager. The love I craved from my husband. The love I always hoped I'd find and share with a good man- I found that love with James. In him. So yes I miss him very much. I cannot help but miss him.
I am not sure what this "journey" is supposed to teach me. Enlightenment? Basically what I can see is I have to watch what I create through manifestation. I don't know why I am such a strong manifestor. Not "expert" manifestor for sure because I ain't got this shit down yet, not by a long shot. I am constantly reminding myself to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH so I don't say something that I am going to regret later. Or write it down, or express it in a text conversation with someone. My roommate feels that I should be able to "get off my chest" the things that worry me by talking them out. And it is so tempting to express a nagging errant thought or worry to her but I really shouldn't because too often then I see more of what I am worried about come into my existence. Dudes- it's a challenge.
I've told myself when it comes to this election and the results I am going to be an example of "Light" by not getting sucked into the bullshit. And I am far from perfect. It's probably pretty obvious that I did not vote for Donald Trump but I also refuse to be hateful now that he has won. I remember when I saw James last he said maybe America needed to elect Trump so we can see ourselves more clearly {it was something like that- I was pretty much in shock and don't remember everything that was said.} Maybe he was right. Maybe in the end it will result in a societal change or something. I don't know. I am not that big into politics yet I am a fighter for certain human rights like the right for gay marriage and reproductive rights. I also understand that protecting the environment is important and well, yeah. Still I don't really want to focus on the negative since I know I have this strong creation energy in me. I am staying quiet on social media because it is a hotbed of crazy right now. I do have a Facebook page but it's more to share stuff about my son because he's another one of my gifts. But lately I've backed off most conversation about what is happening in the country since most of it is sadly negative and I don't want to go there. I say this because when I read about twin souls it says we are here to be "A light for the world." So I am trying to do my part by staying positive and loving and accepting of all opinions.
That said, in my personal life all I can think about is James. He is what I want in my life more than anything. I miss him. I miss him so very much. I have been quiet on this blog because what else can I say? I wish he was here. I miss him. I cry for him. My heart aches and I wish with all of my might that I could do what it takes to shift this. I wish I could avoid any and all doubts or worries or stupid thinking. I wish I could "open" things so he could reach out to me. I feel like I am dying inside without him. I just do my best to put a smile on my face and get this life thing done as well as I can. But it does affect me. I wish he was here sharing life with me, being an encouraging supporting character in my life but actually here with me, not just energetically. I miss holding his hand and seeing his bright shining smiling beautiful face. *sigh* He has such a beautiful face. I am still very much in love with him. Impossible for me to not be in love with him.
The drinking has been much easier to avoid. I drink some wine or beer sometimes but I'm really trying to avoid drinking hard liquor and I will admit the main reason is because it makes me feel like dog shit. I did not stop because I am afraid that I am doing something "bad" or wrong. Probably if it did not affect me physically as bad as it does I'd still be drinking. How's that for honesty? But ugh it gives me heartburn and hangovers and headaches and it's just really fucking stupid- right? I mean yeah you can admit it, dumb. So I've been doing well staying away from the ole' bottle. It's not good for me. I'm still working on other things but drinking is really a negative for me so I am really not going there.
I cry a lot. The emotions get overwhelming. Tidal waves. Sometimes more than others. It depends on my mood, my hormones and the music playing on the radio... and what I remember at that moment. It is so sweet to remember sitting on my couch being all wrapped up in each other kissing for hours or walking hand in hand through my neighborhood or him hopping into my bed naked and sweet wanting to make love to me, wanting to make me feel good, showing me without words how lovely he thinks I am- those things are sweet to remember but they made me ache to the bone and then I cry. I wish he was here. I wish I no longer needed to reach back for the precious memories but could instead create more new loving memories with him. *sigh* I love James and miss him a lot.
I know that most people can't understand where I am coming from but I can't stop how I feel. He is on my mind and in my heart pretty much every moment I am awake whether I want it or not. Sometimes I try to distract and I swear to "God" that it's put back in front of me again and I am not sure why but... he is always there. I miss his bright blue eyes. I miss how when I saw him last he leaned back on my couch and pulled me into his arms and hugged me for a moment when it had been ages and ages since I'd felt his touch. It always feels so right being in his arms, like the perfect fit. And I miss his warm embrace. I miss his sweet kisses. I miss his gentle sexy voice. I miss being naked with him! I miss his tender touch and his loving passion, and this is how I feel ALL THE TIME. Yet I am a strong independent woman who really is sane- so I don't always understand it. I loved others before him and eventually the longing for them left me. Yet with James it remains. I really want him back with me. It is my biggest dream and wish. I may not know exactly who or what God is but I am still going to pray to this "God" like I always have because honestly I don't know what else to do. I pray to God and silently talk to James and hope that something out there feels me and knows my genuine good loving intentions. I've said this before- I love James no matter what. I think that is pretty obvious, right? It is an unconditional love. I don't love him "If only." But that does not mean that I don't ache for him and wish with everything in me that he could be with me, us sharing life together next to each other. I want to wake to his smiling face every morning and make love with him every night, forever.
Maybe I will start writing that again here for a while. I feel blocked when I don't write here yet all I really have to say is I miss him. I have all these wonderful memories of us together and all his goodness- I just really wish those memories could come into my existence again as new experiences with him.
Best. Love. Ever. Knowing him like I did all close and loving and genuine and honest and GOOD was the best time of my life.
This song is sweet. And Scully & Mulder help pull me through when I don't think I can go any further.
I've written blog posts in my head but have not posted here much. Nothing feels right and I've also been a wussy because sometimes when I write here people like to ride me later about how strongly I feel or believe, or tell me I believe wrong, or that I should do this or that of the other, etc. and while I love talking to people and I am open to other opinions- my own deeply held personal beliefs are not up for debate.
This whole "manifestor" thing. I see things happen in my life and I THINK I know why they happen, I cause them to happen, but since I don't know 100% for sure I then get confused, scared and discouraged. And then I have to try and pick myself up and brush myself off and tell myself, "I am not giving up." I have a feeling my focus still has created stuff I don't like. I can only speculate based on cause and effect.
I miss James. All I want is to get closer to him. To hear from him and talk to him easily and freely like I did before. We are two human beings, and we are friends. We never stopped being friends. I know he cares about me and my well-being. We should be speaking to each other. I wish I could talk with him about this election. I totally jones to hear his take on the state of our country. I ache to have a real discussion with him. I want to know how he feels. I wish he could be truthful with me, honest. I know he is a good man who thinks well of me, loves me, and would like to talk to me again. I miss James so much. I've said that a million times I know but most people cannot understand what I mean, how deeply I wish to know him like I once did.
That is the kicker for me. All I want is to know James again like I did when we met. Happy, friendly, joyful, sweet, dear, kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, considerate, respectful, affectionate, attentive and loving. Everything about him was absolutely perfect. With me he was the man that my single girlfriends wish to find. Someone who is openly affectionate and not afraid to show his emotions. A man who is happy to say, "I want you as my girlfriend, and I am happy to have you in my life." A man who is appreciative and says, "Thank you. I really appreciate you." In the past my blog readers have thought I am crazy for "holding on" to someone like this but I was the one who dated him and experienced his amazing love. He is a great person. Of course I miss him! I was given this huge gift and I've never ever gotten over him being gone from me. And I am not okay with it now either. I ache so bad. I fight to be strong for myself and my son. I hate being so sad all the time; it sucks. But I am so used to disappointment now, and that makes me sad too. I guess it has made me stronger because what used to almost literally kill me or send me into a huge gigantic terrified tailspin in the past now only makes me sad. Sad because I feel like when I "accidentally" focus on something I shouldn't, and then I see evidence of what I never really wanted come into my life, it is not making me come any closer to James, and all I REALLY want is to come closer with James. I want to know him again. All I want is to have him back like I had him before, loving and real. REAL.
I love Sundays because they are usually the days when I can hang out with my son and be domestic. I enjoy being a homemaker! Yesterday I made a few different meals for the week, dinner for last night too. My friend who lives me has major stomach issues and I know what she cannot eat. I made a cheesy ham casserole but for her I made a separate casserole with gluten-free noodles. I LIKE taking care of people. I "mother" well. Being a mother is probably my favorite thing ever but... I would love to be a good wife too. I would be such a good wife to James. I was thinking that yesterday while I was making dinner and cleaning up. I'd be so good to him, and all I want to do is love him! I want to take care of him and cook for him and feed him and love him and make him happy. I have what I need in my life, a job and money and all that. But what I do not have is companionship, not from an adult male. I want him to be my partner. I do stay alone because I want him and I feel that if I want him then my focus should stay on him not on someone else. I love James. He is the man I want in my life.
He told me a few months back that I am right. He said, "You are right." Right in that I know he loves me. I know that man loves me. He said I am right. He does love me and always has. Yes. I know this. It is why I have fought so hard to hold on to that truth. He loves me. He fell hard in love with me. He was happy to meet me and he felt he'd met the woman he'd hoped for. We match well together and we get along happily. It is what makes this all seem so surreal because me and James had fun together. I am pretty easy to get along with! And so is he. When we were together, with each other, it was always kissy and good, close and loving. And we loved talking to each other. We got along so well. We had no issues, no drama. Just a very peaceful happy love. It was wonderful knowing him, and I believe that he feels the same about me.
So why the continued quiet? I don't know. The only thing I can think is that quiet tests me. I don't like it. I have allowed it to have the power to make me doubt, and I think that is one of the reasons why it continues. I just wish it could shift, change. I wish I could "do" whatever it is that would allow him to be here. To know each other again. I've never wanted anything more than I want to know James again, the sweet kind fun loving happy REAL genuine man I met. I miss that man. I remember him well. He made an effort for me, and I realize it was because he genuinely wanted to. He LIKED seeing me. He enjoyed spending time with me. Being near me made him feel good. Just like it felt so good being near him too.
I have a therapist, had him on and off since my first marriage. He is Buddhist. He is understanding and he knows all about this situation. I told him I am so done with "spirituality" and trying to be "strong" and all that. I don't care what the teachings say. I miss James. My life would be so much happier if he was in it. I feel like something is missing from my life without him and all I want is him. I fight to be happy. I want to be happy. I like being happy but often I am sad without even wanting to be sad. Because I miss James and I wish he was with me. I wish he was with me and PJ. I have not dated since him. I've made love once in three years and it was with him. I feel like we should be together. Like he'd called me "honey" if he could, and he wants to. I just know he loves me. I know he is the same very gentle kind loving person I spent time with, the man who treated my son well too. I can't ever get past that or let him go. He was SO good. I loved him when I met him but I remember the day he asked to take me and my son out together. I lost my heart to him that day. Seeing him be so kind and nice to PJ was too much for my heart to handle. I lost it. I fell very hard for him then. I knew he was the man I wanted to be mine, to be with us. He was so sweet with my son, showing him how to miniature golf and feeding the alligators with him. It was warm that day, late September and when we were all done we could have left, you know? But there was a big inflatable slide the kids were going down and James looked at his watch and said he still had about an hour if PJ wanted to play. So we sat there together watching my son climb up this huge slide and go down it over and over and over again, and I still can see James' face in my mind. He watched my son and looked happy. Peaceful. Very patient, a little smile on his face while he enjoyed watching my son have fun; he was so sweet! It was the best time, most wonderful day. I have never been happier. It was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, taking us out like that and being so sweet to me and my son. That is why I love him so much. Because he was so good to me. Because he is such a good person! Because he showed me what a kind gentle loving person he is. And he is funny. And smart. And friendly. He was always smiling and making me laugh. He cared about my happiness and well-being/ He liked to make me laugh and smile. I miss him. I miss how wonderful he is, that he did make me so happy.
I am not one of those people who firmly believe "You alone are responsible for your own happiness." I mean I get it. You don't want to be codependent on someone else. But man when you are in love with someone and that person is not in your life it sucks. It kinda sucks the happiness away. I know it flies in the face of many teachings but I like my people. My friends and family and especially my child. I love being with my child. If I did not have the people in my life that I do then I would not even want to be here. I am not so "happy" alone that I'd enjoy living without my loving contacts. I am totally find being by myself for a while. I did it for most of my marriage. I am really independent so I am okay being alone, or at least I used to be. Now I don't like it so much. I'd rather be with the ones I love most of the time, some alone time to think and have down time. I think we are made for companionship. We are social creatures. Made for companionship. I miss my companion. I miss James. I am MADE for strong love, made for cuddly affection. I love being held and cuddled and kissed and he was so wonderful to hold and cuddle and kiss. He likes affection too. This is one reason why we were so good together. We are both cuddly affectionate people; he honestly felt so much like me because of how affectionate and loving he is. I feel kind of emotionally lost without him. I am a strong independent woman but I feel emotionally lost. I try and hide it well but man I am sad. Something big is missing from my life, and life would be perfect if he were back with me. I deserve happiness and I was totally completely thoroughly happy with James, happier than I have ever been. He brought such joy to my life. I miss him with all of my heart.
That is the hardest. I have never been happier than when I was with James. I told my therapist this. I said I cannot stop missing him. I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop hurting! He said he can understand and would not expect that I would not miss him or be sad. He said it is to be expected and that I should not judge myself for how I feel. To allow it instead of feeling like I must be stronger or whatever. I am not stronger when it comes to missing him. But I have to be able to handle it and deal since I have a life to live, and a child to raise. But I do miss James. It is so hard for me to put into words but we were close. We talked about everything. He became my buddy very quickly and I felt safe with him. Comfortable. It felt so right with him. I trusted him a lot. It was intense too. And because we talked ALL the time or else he was with me we became attached to each other quickly and hard. It might not have been a super long time but the time we did spend knowing each other, we were in constant contact. He wanted to know more and more about me and all we wanted to do was be near one another. Close. It felt so good being together. Sweetest man I ever met or could dream of meeting. So... this feels all wrong right now. It is unbelievable. I know he actually loves me still. I don't totally understand this energy or "soul" connection, and I don't care to. I don't watch any more videos and I only follow one guide. Her messages usually speak to me in some way or another. She says this is all about LOVE. Love. Knowing love, focusing on love and believing in love. She explains that we are creating this. And I was told that from above and it is what I feel. Love. I just love him. I love him. He means so much to me. And I believe he feels the same way about me... I wish he could show me. Like he did before, like when he said it felt like we'd shoved six years of love into six weeks because we loved each other SO hard. I wish he could be back with me now.
I am trying the best I can. My missing him and sadness can sometimes get the best of me. But I am still here. I don't blame other twin souls for moving on. I can understand it. But I can't. I keep telling myself what we had was so damn special. More special than I can explain, more special than people can understand. And it is real. He told me I am genuine and it is rare and that he thinks he loves me for this reason most, because I am genuine. That is so sweet. He was protective of me and my body and my heart. I know that man. I remember him. I feel in my heart we are meant to be together so I am always reigning myself back in when I feel myself losing it.
I ache to kiss him and touch him and hold him again. I miss his sweet beautiful face. I'd do pretty much anything to talk to my friend and love again. I don't think I can ever stop hoping to hear from him or wanting to see him again. I can't shake the hope and want. I love him now and will love him forever but I sure wish we could come together again, sweet sweet man.
My Love. I miss you. Each day is a challenge to get through without having you in my life. I love you!
I know I've been quiet. I hope anyone who might read this is doing well!
Life has been good and blessed and busy. My son and I went on vacation to Disney World with my immediate family and it was a fun and exciting time. I love Disney World. I wish I could live there or visit three time a year! I've been blessed to take my son three years in a row though, and I hope to go next year too. Disney is the perfect vacation for us especially since my son has only just turned seven years-old so everything is magical for him! The weather in Florida was absolutely perfect every single moment we were there which was a huge blessing. Overall I did not want to come home...
But we came home to game seven of the world series, and I am a life-long Cubs fan who comes from a long line of life-long Cubs fans so the excitement continued once we got back home. The "Disney Blues" were somewhat eased by the sound of "Cubs win! Cubs win!" and all the fireworks going off throughout the neighborhood and, well pretty much everywhere! My son turned seven two hours after the Cubs big win and he woke for a moment to peek outside at the fireworks and tell me, "This is the best birthday gift ever. The Cubs won the world series" and then he sleepily fell back to sleep. He has not had an actual birthday party for a few years since we've been in Disney near his birthday since 2014 but this year we did have a party for him at the local bowling alley and he had a blast, so life has been good. Fun. "Happy" you could say. I've been happy. I've been working hard to be thankful for all of the goodness in my life. Happy times. Fun stuff.
But I still miss James. I can't help it. My focus has been far from perfect. The quiet pushes me and pushes me. I'll never be able to accept the silence and be thrilled with it. I want to talk with James so badly that it eats at me all the time. In Disney I did not want to focus on any of this at all but of course right when I got there I saw a man staying at our hotel who was the spitting image of James {even my sister agreed when she saw him} and I kept seeing him so it made it pretty hard to let it go even while on vacation. I get really confused- like maybe I am supposed to remain focused on him, in a good way of course, and signs like this are to remind me? I don't always know.
And I have not been focusing well. As I said the quiet pushes me and then my brain wanders off and thinks "bad" or doubtful things and I can pretty well assume when I have doubtful thoughts about James or his feelings for me I then keep him away. And it is a vicious cycle because the longer the silence continues the easier it is to let my thoughts stray.
And it really is all me. I can't blame anyone or anything else. It is my mind and my thoughts, and it makes me feel pretty badly knowing that I am having a hard time keeping my shit under control because James was nothing but kind to me when he was in my life, and it was only this past spring that he told me "You're right. I do love you and I always have. I want you in my life. Accept that."
Accept that.
So my continued goal is to keep my focus on really knowing he loves me and wants me no matter how the "external" circumstances appear. Most of us in this situation go through similar experiences, the quiet, etc. I know it is for a "reason." I feel like... this man wants to know me. He always wanted to talk to me. He loved talking to me and any chance he had of talking to me- he took it. But I miss him dearly, and that missing him tears me up inside. All I can do is continue to miss him, continue to desperately want to speak with or see or spend time with or be with my friend and love again, all while holding on to the fact that he is a good man and he does love me and wants me too.
I've had to simplify this connection in my mind in order to accept it and keep working at it. For me it is only about us, him and I, and our love for each other. He is the only part of this that matters to me whatsoever. If there is a "twin soul mission" then for me it is James and only James. He is the one who was here with me, always holding my hand, constantly being sweet and sending me loving messages and being gentle and considerate to me. He was the definition of a gentleman with me, and he was good to my son too. I've said that a million times on this blog but the truth is so mind-blowing to me. James was nothing but wonderful to me. He tried SO hard, and it makes me cry to think of it. All he wanted to do was be close to me and be good to me. He loved being close to me just as I loved being close to him. We were very happy to sit on my couch and just talk, kiss and hold each other. Giggling and kissing, and it was my own personal Heaven. I was the happiest with James, the happiest EVER. Totally blissful. But the thing is- I know he felt the same way about me. I felt it in him. I can look back in my mind and know, clearly know, that he was "attached" to me {in a good way} and he looked forward to being with me. He needed to see me, wanted to be close to me, and he made me a priority because he wanted to.
And I know he wanted me in his life, and I know he still does. I know that he misses me too.
I have to keep my concentration and focus on truth and love, and it is so easy to let my mind wander off and wonder and doubt and overthink and blah blah blah. And all the while we stay apart and it is killing me inside. As I always say- I have blessings for which I am very thankful but those blessings do not take away the sadness I feel over being apart from the love of my life. I am thankful for knowing James. I am so happy he came into my life, so happy the love of my life showed up, the one who showed me the best love ever. I am thankful for the huge love he showed me, and methinks this has been a really large personal experience in owning my truth and being forced to keep my focus on what I want instead of what I do not want, manifestation. I have to believe it when I am totally, completely and thoroughly loved. And I know James loves me like this.
Maybe I am wrong but this appears to be a big lesson in personal manifestation and controlling my thoughts and beliefs.
And love. I do believe the bottom line is love and believing in love when it is felt for me and given to me and shown to me in many many different ways; I can't think of one way James did not show me his love. Underneath all of my mistakes and missteps and wrong moves and erroneous thinking I believe there is only love for me from James. And I wish with all of my might that he could show me his love again. I miss, with all of my heart, knowing the sweet funny man I met, dated and fell in love with. I miss my sweetheart so much. I still feel like he is the man I am supposed to be married to and sharing life with. I hope I can still have that opportunity. This entire experience has been so wild and "different" but I reassure myself with this thought of- well as twin souls, even though it's been a challenge, there is always a chance. Always a chance to make it right, to remember love and let it be truth again. So I hope I am right in that thinking because I'd really love to one day finally get this right so I can hear from my friend and love again. I love him with all of my heart and my life does not feel complete without him in it. My son and I both wish he was here with us as part of our family.
There are many things in life that bring me happiness, both small and large. But besides my son's happiness and good health there is only one thing in life I really want, and that is to have James in my life like we were before, happy and at ease. Peaceful and open. Loving. Cute. Genuine. Healthy. Real. Simple. He'd smile at me and so gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss- and he was always so gentle with me which was exactly what I needed. A gentle touch. I miss his sweet gentle patient touch, his beautiful smile and his sweet kisses. I miss his silly friendly loving personality. What we shared was the start of a wonderful beautiful healthy relationship, and all I really want is for us to go back to how we were, being together again in friendship and love.
He always made me laugh and smile. Always. I wish I could smile and laugh with James again.
