Easier

My friend told me today that it seems like I have clarity.  Maybe so.  I feel like I know what's happened but it feels so... frustrating or hopeless when I pray and pray and wish and hope to talk with James.  I miss him and when you love someone and miss him you naturally want to talk to him or be in his presence.

He was here last year and made love to me.  Kissed me, hugged me, loved me.  It blows my ever-loving mind.

I had strange dreams last night.  Dreaming of babies which breaks my heart because I want a child with James so bad I can hardly allow myself to think of it.  We talked of having a baby together so it feels very real to me, and it is everything I have ever wanted so right now it aches.  I want him. I want a life with him.  I miss him so very much, and I am entirely in love with him.  Time and distance has done nothing to diminish how strongly I feel about him, and I ache to have the dreams we spoke of together.  I would love to have a family with James.  I would love to be married to him and have him be my son's step-dad.  And I would love to have a child with him.  It tears me up inside.

This morning on my way to work I heard this song by Josh Groban and I fell apart.  When James and I dated he told me constantly that he loves me.  It was beautiful to hear.  Being loved by him is amazing because his love is like huge and warm and wonderful.  And it was sweet of him to try so hard to show me he loves me and to get me to accept it and believe him.  He tried.  And he did a good job.  He was sweet and always telling me he loves me or showing me or writing it to me, special little messages.  Even after "the quiet" began he still told me he loves me.  And I know he loves me. I know it now.  He loves me.  But the aching and the wanting and the unfulfilled desire for him is challenging to deal with.  It hurts.  I know he is a loving caring kind man.  And he cares for me.  I know he does. 

I am doing the best I can.  I am really really trying to avoid hard liquor.  I hurt so fucking bad at the end of my day, totally heartache, and I want to drink.  But I've told myself no liquor.  I attended this meeting, it's not AA but it is a support group for people who are trying not to be alcoholics or drug addicts, and the cool thing about it is I can be honest in saying, "My goal for now is to only have a glass of wine or a beer and not six shots of vodka" and they are okay with that.  Because at this point that is what I am shooting for: no hard liquor, no getting drunk but if I need a glass of wine to ease my aching heart then I'm gonna have it because I HURT.  I ache.  I cannot help it, and I accept it.  I miss someone I love greatly, and I don't know what to do with how I feel.  Until I hear something from him and have some resolution I don't think this will end, this feeling inside of me.

It is not normal to pine over someone for this long.  I know it is not "normal" and that is okay because it is not normal love.  I'd do anything for him.  I keep going because I love him and I remember how sweet and wonderful and kind he is and I just can't give up.  And still all I want is James.  I really do only want him.  I guess it's kind of lonely but my heart is with him.  It is another thing I can't help.  I can remember how good we were together, and I just need something more.  I need a message or some word or something.  It is in limbo and I don't like that but at the same time I am more comfortable being alone than trying to replace him or be with someone else.  How can I do that when I love him?  It would suck.  I would cry. 

I'd rather cry out of missing James, loving him and wishing he was back with me than crying later after choosing to be with someone who is not him.

I seem to be "creating" stuff in my life faster.  Cool good things that I am very thankful for.  But I ask myself- why can I create those things so easily but not hear from James?  I want to talk to him.  I want truth.  I want honesty.  I want to talk to the man I know he is, and he is a good man.  I know he is a friendly kind person.  I just know it.  I do remember.  Knowing him was the best time of my life.  That is what I can't get over.  Knowing him, having him in my life, was the happiest I've ever been.  Ever.  Because he is wonderful.  Because he is a good kind loving person.  He is special and unique, and he means so much to me.

But I miss him like crazy.  It is all I can do to stay balanced and somewhat sane.  Because I ache day in and day out.  I desire him strongly.  I can't stop thinking of him naked and kissing me and making love to me.  He made love to me, and it is sweet real genuine love.  But I miss him.  I miss being close to him.  I need him close to me.

*sigh*

You'd think it would get easier with time but it doesn't.  I love him, miss him and ache for him now just as much as I did three years ago.  I really wish I could see James again.  

Jennifer