My friend/roommate has met someone new and he seems super nice. Almost "too nice" in a twin soul kind of way. And he is taking her to Chicago this Saturday for a similar type of date. She has been talking about it, and I am happy for her. I hope this man is a good man and things work out because she deserves to be very happy. He sounds like a sweetheart so far. Actually the way she speaks of him reminds me of James, and I can tell she is not saying a whole lot because she knows it will be bittersweet for me. I am feeling seriously sad because I miss James and she knows this. This new guy says hello every morning, good night every night, talks to her, is totally sweet and kind and friendly. A gentleman. It reminds me of getting to know James, and she is really excited to go to the city with him this weekend. And I am glad for her.
But it reminds me, strongly. And being reminded so deeply hurts. That sweet ache. The one that brings tears to my eyes. Everything about James is perfect for me and it is making me crazy that he is not here and that we do not talk. It should not be this way. Things are not RIGHT. This is abnormal. Not truth. I SO badly want to talk to James to where he sounds like himself again. It is freaking me out.
We had a lovely time together all the while we knew each other. But our date to the city was seriously the date I always wanted. I thought it would be fun to go to the city and walk around, and somehow he just knew this and planned for it and we had a great time. It may sound like a simple thing but it wasn't for me. It was so much fun.
James said he likes sushi but did not know anyone else who did, like none of his friends liked sushi I guess. But I do. So he said he was happy that I liked sushi because there was a sushi restaurant in the city he wanted to go to and he could go with me. So he made us reservations to "Union" and it was super cool. We went downtown and parked and then walked around, and he held my hand the entire night. I look back at those times and the stark contrast between then and now makes me want to DIE. It really hurts terribly, like a nightmare and I HATE it. It hurts so much to know I had this wonderfully sweet adorable man in my life but I have not talked to him in so long. It makes me so sad. I can't get past the sadness mixed in with the sweet memories because I don't want them to be only memories. I want him to be back with me.
We stopped at a few bars along the way and had a beer. It was a beautiful September night and just walking along seeing the sights is fun by itself, and I just remember that he held my hand the entire night. It was the sweetest thing ever. At one point we were leaving a building and going through a revolving door and he came in my "slice" with me and kissed me big which made me laugh. Ugh, and when we got out onto the sidewalk he took my hand again and smiled at me with that cute adorable smile he has and he laughed and said, "Do I embarrass you?" I asked him why? He said because he he silly and affectionate. I told him no, not at all. I told him he was everything I had ever asked for.
And I was being serious. He is everything I ever asked for. A silly fun adorable man who treated me so beautifully. With kindness. He took me to Chicago, paid for everything, we shared a really nice dinner at Union (and I tried kangaroo for the first and only time in my life so far) and he talked to me the whole night, paid attention to me, was sweet and talkative. And held my hand the whole night. We were walking along the city streets and he was holding my hand and smiling at me. He has the sweetest smile ever. James is too adorable. Ugh I miss him.
At dinner we picked out different sushi to try. Sashimi. We ordered tuna and mackerel and some sushi rolls. Well I love tuna sashimi. I could eat it every day. I had never tried raw mackerel but since I will try just about anything I figured, well what the Hell. I'm not picky. Well they brought it to the table and, ugh I'll never forget this, it still had strips of skin on it. Like fish skin. Just no, lol. But since he had taken me out and was paying for dinner (and I was raised to be thankful and respectful) I choked it down. And I could feel the skin of the raw fish as I was chewing it. LOL- I swallowed it almost whole and tried not to choke to death. Everything else was delicious and it was a super fun meal. I had a great time with him. Funny how memories work because in my mind's eye I can totally remember sitting there with him. I sat to his left. The restaurant was cool-looking with graffiti painted on the walls. Not somewhere I would normally go because I never dated anyone who liked to go to Chicago so no one really took me there to walk around and have fun together. James did! It was a great dinner. Afterwards I told him about the mackerel and he told me I shouldn't have forced myself to eat it if I did not like it but what was I going to do? Spit it out after putting it in my mouth? I had to at least try it to see what it tasted like! He laughed and thought it was funny.
Our last night together he brought me a bag of goodies. This huge gift bag full of such thoughtful fun items. I am not materialistic at all but it is fun to get little gifts and he was so nice to do that for me. He thought of everything, even a crystal growing kit for my son. We grew the crystals and they are on my bookshelf, a reminder of James' sweet thoughtfulness. But he also put a can of mackerel in there too! Isn't that funny? I have that on my shelf too. Another reminder of the man I met, grew to know, fell hard in love with... and have loved and missed since the day he left.
I don't know what to do or how to handle this overwhelming feeling inside of me. I wish I could talk to him. I want to hear from James SO bad. I want to talk with him like before. I remember sitting out on my deck under the moon and stars talking with him on the phone. All smiled. Loving every minute of it. I still remember this first time I heard his voice and I think I fell in love with him right then because he has this super sweet sexy voice. Not long ago I heard someone who sounded like him and I imagined him saying my name. Or moaning it, which he has before. I can barely stand it.
Seriously. I can barely stand it. My heart feels like it might explode. Every love song reminds me of James. I want to hug him so bad. I want to touch his face and kiss his lips and relish the very sight of him. It is almost too much emotion for one human "beam" to handle.
The other morning I woke my son up with hugs and kisses which I normally do. But I asked him where this sweet little boy came from? Did he drop from a cloud, from heaven? He said to me as he hugged me, so seriously too, "You are a good mom. You are such a good mom." That made me feel good, like I do at least one thing right! One very important thing! But then he told me about what he is learning in school, animate objects compared to inanimate objects. He said that animals, plants... they need air and water to live. And food. He said we need food to live, us. Because we are "human beams." OMG that kid cracks me up so much. He is my joy right now. I just wish James was with us too, to share life with us. I wish James knew PJ; they would love each other.
I feel that James does miss us and thinks of us. I honestly feel like he wishes he could be with us. I know that in my heart. I wish he was here. I think about him every day. He is always in my heart. He was so so so good to me. Patient, kind, giving, thoughtful, generous. It is a really big challenge to know I had the best man ever, my dream come true, my Price Charming... and to miss him this much. I want my gift back. I want to shower him with love and tenderness and take good care of him and make him happy. We made each other so happy, and I KNOW he was super happy with me. He always told me he was so happy to have me as his girlfriend. I think he may have asked me where I'd been all these years. He told me he'd wished for someone like me, a woman who understood him, loved him and accepted him fully, one he clicked with, was attracted to and loved- and he met me and said I was her. The one he'd wished for. And whenever I hear that song, the one I'll post below, I think of James because he told me this. He told me he'd been waiting for a girl like me to come to him, and then he found me and he said I am his 1%. I still believe that because nothing changed. Nothing. I feel in my heart this is what he feels for me, that I am this woman and he would do anything to be with me, that he wants to be with me and my son. I miss him though. He is all I want. My heart aches. I love him so much. I wish I could hear his sweet voice again, see his lovely beautiful face. That glowing smile. *sigh* He has the prettiest eyes ever.
I want sushi now.
xxoo
Jennifer
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