I fully believe I'm in some kind of unique connection with James, energetic connection or "soul" connection or however it can be described. He is more of a science-minded person so maybe it is more a "quantum love entanglement" thing we have going on! Whatever it is, in the past he has definitely shown my my thoughts, the things I focus on, the fears I have, etc. But there is a lot of love.
I've said this so many times but when I knew James it was a very happy time for me. I was so excited. Life was colorful and exciting and I felt so so HAPPY all the time! Knowing him brought me tons of joy. Best time of my life. When you meet your dream come true it is a wonderful experience.
It's been a while now. Time can fade memories but I still remember the time I spent with him. I remember how it felt with him. Blissful. Ecstatic. Like every day was a surprise or a party!! I looked forward to his sweet messages and long conversations. I loved that he made time for me and he came to see me. It was super sweet that he "old school" dated me.
People online say a lot of things once the "separation" happens. I have too. But I remember the endearing sweet kind man I met, dated and fell in love with. I remember what it was like knowing him and I know that did not change. He is still that same man. And this is not a situation I expected.
I just really wish I could know James like that again. I miss him. I miss my sweet boyfriend. He means so much to me. It sucks not knowing him. I wish he could be in my life. I miss his kisses and how he always held my hand. His patience and understanding. Coming to visit me and hold me and kiss me but not asking for more.
And he was protective of me. This is why I can't let go. I remember how he would always check with me to see if I was okay. Like if he said something flirty or sexy then later he would come back and check with me to see if I was doing alright. He wanted to make sure I felt safe and loved, not offended at all. And I never did! He was super sweet. Perfect.
I miss him. I need him back in my life. I can't get over the way he would gently touch my face and smile before kissing me. He waited for me. You have no idea how much that means to me. He waited for me to feel totally comfortable before making love. And then later, after this all happened, he told me he was glad we waited to make love. He said it made it more special and showed him how much I love him. And I do, and I wanted it to be right and good.
Real. That is what gets to me. It was very real and genuine. Good. What making love between two people should be. Very loving and committed. This is why when he was here last and made love to me and then was gone again it hurt so bad because I know our lovemaking is real and an expression of the genuine love between us, and he should be here in my life right now loving me. He should be. It is very VERY hard to take, him not being here.
I tell that to God. Not "I can't take this anymore" because I can. I do. I would do anything for James. I feel sad right now without him, yes. I don't like being without him. But I deal with it because I hold out hope that one day he can be with me, that this is all real and one day he will be back. That is what I hope for. So I work towards having him here. I remember how good it felt, and I know we still love each other.
I wish I could hear from him. It was much happier when I did. I miss his sweet voice and dear face. I want to hug and kiss him again. When I was with him last it was amazing to actually see his smile and hug him and touch him. I had missed him so so much. To have him in my arms again was a dream come true! I would rather have that, the feeling of having him back with me, over this. I don't like my "right now" without him. I do not "enjoy the moment." I want something different! I want what I had when he was here. I want that amazing feeling of having him here- THAT is what I want in my life, that sweet love. Him holding my hand and smiling at me while we walk and talk together. Going out on fun dates. Having dinner together. Kissing. Holding each other. Talking into the morning hours.
His smile. James has the friendliest sweetest smile.
Breaks my heart being away from him. I was so much happier and more content when I knew him. When he'd come over and hug me and smile and kiss me and sit with me, talking and laughing and making out for hours. THAT was my true happiness, right there. THAT is what "felt good" to me. I want that back. I want James with me.
Ugh. This is how I feel pretty much every moment of every day.
Jennifer
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