Songs

The Book of Love

The songs still speak to me.  This morning I was driving to work and I again heard the song "Roses."  In the song she sings about someone she loves who is gone, and she is pining for him singing for him to please come home.  She says she is so damn tired of goodbye.  Please come home soon.  And that is how I feel.

I wish he could come home soon.

I scream in my car.  I probably look psycho if anyone happens to see me but I don't care.  I cry.  I beg God.  I scream.  This hurts so fucking bad.  I want James back with me.  I want the life we discussed together.  He told me he wants to marry me.  He said he wants to be my son's step-dad.  He said he would teach PJ science and help him at sports.  I can't pass people golfing without internally losing my mind because it reminds me of James and I think about how I'd like for him to teach me and PJ how to golf.  He said he would teach me how to golf.  He loves golf.  It's cute to me how much he loves golf.  I found it endearing.  

He's adorable.  It is breaking my heart.  And I don't know what to do about it, and please just let me be in my emotions.  If you want to write to me and tell me you feel the same then by all means do but please don't send me any spirituality links about non-possession and stuff like that because WTF?!  James and I talked about marriage.  A lot.  He used to call me, even after the lengths of quiet began, and he'd say with this smile in his voice, "Let's talk about when we are married."  He wanted to talk about when we were together, a family.  I wish I could go back to those times.  I wish I had all that back.  I feel like we love each other so much and should be together yet he is not here and I ache.  I ache so deeply, and it's not normal.  I did not feel this with anyone else I've known.  Only James.  And I miss him to the point of... deep sorrow.  Bittersweet sorrow.

When you love someone, are in love with someone, in such a way that you love him and want to kiss on him and be naked and stuff... well you do kinda want that person in your life, daily.  When I saw James last year he clearly showed me he loves me and desires me.  We hugged and kissed and touched and made love.  It was very HUMAN, not just fucking spirituality.  I am a human being.  I will always find happiness outside of myself.  Let me set this up for you... when I have love in my life I am content.  I do not mean I must have that person in my presence at all times, no.  Hells no.  Go on and take a guy's trip.  Travel for work.  Go bowling, whatever.  I am fine to be alone.  I have done alone for a long long long time now.  I LIKE myself and my own company.  But I don't like being in love with someone, yearning for him and aching and crying and wondering when I might be able to even hear his sweet voice again, and not having that person in my life at all.  That is different, and no one can compare the two.  Wanting to share life with someone is NOT the same as wanting to own him or possess him.  Marriage and being monogamous and in love with one person, sharing a life and being in a relationship, is NOT BAD.  Wanting this man I love with all of my heart, a man who I've had no ending with, to be back in my life- is good and right and fine!!!

You know, it's been a while now but me and James "came close again" hard months after this silence and separation first happened.  And out of nowhere he referred to himself as my "boyfriend" again.  I mustered up the courage to mention it to him on the phone.  I said, "You called yourself my boyfriend."  And very evenly and steadily and slowly he said, "Yes.  I think of you my girlfriend."  No questions asked.  No discussion.  I had no desire to question him or anything.  I knew better (due to spirit and all) and I was ONLY happy to be his girlfriend again, his love.  I was ecstatic.  I wish I had that back, and I still feel like he is mine, in my heart, and I am his.  I know now that he loved me the entire time but I was so glad to have him back, my sweet boyfriend.  And then I know what I did, energetically, that separated us again.  And he faded off.

No discussion.  Nothing.  Nothing to say otherwise, and here I am.

How do you think that feels?  It is really difficult when all I want with every fiber of my being is to have James back with me, in my life, in a relationship, in my presence!!!  I am in love with him!  We never ended!  He told me he loves me and wants me in his life!  He told me, "Accept that."  And here I am, in this strange experience labeled as "twin souls" trying to navigate my way back to the one thing I want most in the whole entire fucking universe!  I want my James back!  I want the love of my life back with me!

THIS FEELS LIKE I AM DYING INSIDE.

So respect my heart.  Respect my LOVE.  I love him so much.  I always will.  He will always be here front and center of my heart.  I fall asleep thinking of him.  I wake with him on my mind and lyrics pounding out in my head over and over and over.  I am still reminded to be fearless.  To not be driven by fear, and I am trying.

And I feel like I am still tested.  I won't explain how because I don't want more of it popping up into my life.  Only those who are truly walking this path can understand.  If you are living an experience right now where you literally SEE how you are creating stuff in your life then you understand.  When you literally are aware that stuff you are mentioning or focusing on are either showing up in your life, or being shown to you in dreams, then you have an idea of my life.  And then you start wondering stuff.  Like... what CAN I think?  What am I think that is going to show up in my life?  How do I live?

How do I live now?

I have to be super careful, it seems.  First of all- the only man I want to hear from is James.  I hope the universe is hearing me.  Only James.  ONLY.  I miss him so much, and I'd love to hear from him.  I only want to hear from him.  

Weird to live a life where if something happens you mention it- it will then happen again. Or a life where I met the answer to my prayers and he turns out to be my mirror or twin soul or whatever this is.  And all I really want is him.  My son means the world to me too, but James and my son are the two things I want most in my life.  Having a real family, and immediate family, with the two of them and the dream of having another child with James- that is my dream.  Some people may dream of being athletes or musicians or novelists but MY dreams is totally love and life and family with James.  That is what I want more than life itself.

I feel like I had the best gift of my life, everything I ever asked for, every dream come to me when I met James- and then I lost my gift.  And I feel... totally devastated without my gift.  Like I cannot rest as long as I don't have my dream.  Who could?  Who is settled or happy when what they want most in the world is not with them?  Not many people.  

It's been a long long time since I read it but one of my favorite books as a child was "A Wrinkle In Time" about some kids who travel through space and time to rescue their father (a scientist) who is trapped on another planet.  Funny how those kids didn't just sit back at home "accepting" the life they had even though their dad was gone.  They were like "FTS" and off they went to get their dad back. When you don't have the one thing you want most in the world (let me rephrase that to "the thing or who you LOVE most in the world or galaxy or entire universe") you aren't content no matter how much you are thankful for what you DO have.  I am thankful for my friends and family, for my home, for my job, for the vacations and fun stuff we do- but none of it replaces James to me.  Nothing.  I feel like a huge piece of my life is missing.  And my heart.  And it sucks.  It sucks the energy and life and joy right out of me.

It hurts, terribly.  I've missed that man since the day he left.  And then I got to see him for a few hours last year and it ripped my heart back open all over again, and I miss him even more now.  I need him in my life.  I am so unsettled.  I feel sad.  I want James with me, with us.  I feel in my heart that he misses us, misses me, misses my son, wants to be with us still.  He met me and fell in love with me and he chose me and I just know he still loves me and wants a life with me and my son.  I wish James could be with us.

Fears.  I woke the other day and I had the words to a song in my head but I fell back to sleep without writing them down and I could not remember.  But then the next morning I woke and they were screaming in my head.  "Drive" by Incubus.  And I don't even like Incubus much.  I don't really love the song but the words are poignant, about fear.  The song is about not letting fear take the wheel, to drive through life with no fear, freely.  It makes mention on how most people are on auto-pilot being driven by fear.  So I guess I am still being warned away from fear.  I think I understand, to focus on love and no fears or doubts.

And I understand that.  I'm trying, hard.  I would do anything for James or to have James back with me.  I'd rather stay home and do my "energy work" and focus or write of affirm- in the hopes that somehow magically it will allow my Love, my Future, my Destiny, back to me.  Honestly the only time I feel content at all is when I am with my child.  And still I wish James was with us.  But when I am with PJ I feel the best.  Otherwise I am discontent.  I want my family.  I want what we spoke of.  He said he wanted to marry me and sleep next to me every night and have a baby with me and treat me like a goddess while I am pregnant and raise our child with all of our love <--- sweetest words ever, "I want to raise our child with all of our love."

It is a lot of love.  It IS.  

Yes, this is making me pretty nuts.  I live a unique life although on the outside is seems pretty normal.  But I pray all the time, constantly, to have my gift back.  James is irreplaceable.  No one else could ever come close to him in my heart.  He was too perfect, too sweet, thoughtful, gentle, respectful, caring, protective... perfect.  I love his brilliant mind and his friendly sweet silly loving sexy personality.  His smile.  His kisses.  I want HIM.  I've missed him and loved him and wanted him for three years and five months now *sigh* And I still love him now as much, if not more, than I did then.  

I don't see that changing.  I need him back with me.  It feels like he is meant to be with me, together, part of my family.  And I do believe he loves me.  And that is just the way it is.  It is how I feel.  I wish he was here.  I wish that every waking minute of every day.

My love, my love.  I miss you with all of my heart.  My hands need to be held by your hands. 

Jennifer