*Sigh*

I am hoping to get a different vehicle.  I want something bigger than my Dart.  It is a cute fast but little car, and my son is getting much bigger.  So anyway.  I am keeping my fingers crossed!

It is nice weather here in my area of the world.  Very spring-like.  It has been very windy, and I don't sleep well when it is windy.  I did not sleep well last night.

I feel sad today.  I heard a song and it threw me.  I don't know what to think.  Last night I was not feeling in a great mood.  I don't know how to take it when I get contacted by people from my past, men from my past.  Even those who meant a lot to me.  I wish and pray to speak with James.  I want to talk with my friend and love so much.  I miss him.  I miss him so much that it wears me out.  But instead of hearing from him or being able to talk to him I get texts from other people, and man- that tests my patience big time.  Because nothing in my life happens on accident.  It just doesn't.  It all feels contrived, orchestrated or scripted in some way.  And how I feel is- just because I have a passing thought about a person or I am reminded of someone I don't expect to hear from that person.  It makes me upset.  I did not "ask" for it.  I was reminded of someone and then that person texts me a song.  And yes it was a sweet song, and he is a nice good person.

But he is not James.  And I don't understand why it happens, and it upsets me.  It upsets me because I pray to God.  I BEG God.  I ask to please please please be able to speak with James again.  I miss the man I met.  I remember him.  I do.  Compassionate, caring and understanding.  I miss him.  It crushes my heart.  I cry.  I ache.  But then I hear from someone else.

Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?  It is something that has happened time and again in this and it always upsets me because it feels like I am being teased!  Like, "Oh we know what you really want but here- how does this feel instead?" when I was not even wanting to hear from this person.  I don't know.  Maybe it is childish of me.  But it does not make me happy, sweet song or not.  I want to hear from James.

Being honest.  For a moment it also makes me want to talk to someone else for a while.  Someone who can respond and actually speak with me, normally.  Like James once did.  Like anyone else in my life can.  Friendly.  Real.  Normal.  It is tempting to take a break, have a breather, and speak to someone else, someone I know has cared about me and still thinks of me.  But that would be useless and weak because really the only person I want to talk with is James.  *shrug*  It would be a waste of my energy and it would only hurt me because this person is not James; he is not who I actually want to talk to.  Also I feel like James would contact me if he could, and damn I really wish I could figure out the magic formula to allow him to talk to me and be in my life again- and I seriously doubt talking with another man is going to open any doors for us so it's NOT HAPPENING.  I wish this other person well, and that's that.

Next time it happens because I would not doubt that it will I will probably just tell God "thanks for the song" and not reply.  Maybe even writing about it here with make it or something similar happen- and that is fine because I am the one who has the choice to not respond to it.  That is what I am shooting for next time.  No response.  Internally or externally. 

It hurts to want something this much.  It hurts to miss someone so much.  I love James with all I have in me.  Yeah maybe there is more "work" for me to do but... for the love of all things holy the LAST thing I want is other men sending me love songs.  I don't care the reason.  I just don't want it.

I want James.  I miss him.  I miss his sweet smile and his kind voice and his warm hugs.  I am so sad.  I am just so sad.  I know he cares for me.  He loves me.  He told me so, and he told me to accept it.  I do.  I do accept his love, and I love him.  I hope he realizes how much I adore him.  How hard I am trying.  How I've fought through all this and held on... and how I am still holding on.  I am holding on but I miss him.  I want to see his sweet face.  I want to kiss him and hug him like I once did.  All I want is him.

Yes life is good.  I am thankful for all the wonderful people, experiences and things I am blessed with in this life.  God knows this.  God knows my heart and knows I have good intentions.  I still ache though, and nothing takes it away except the moments when I've been reconnected with James, the love of my life.  Then I feel happy, hopeful and right.  Otherwise I honestly feel like I am always trying so hard to feel happy.  And I just want to BE happy.

But it is so hard to be happy, all the time happy and content, when the one person I love most besides my own child is not in my life.  I just wish he was here, together with me, with us.

xoxo

Jennifer