Reminders

I get reminders of James.  Like when I see science stuff.  And this.  I thought this was really funny but it made me think of him.

http://the-daily.buzz/a/nasa-asks-internet-to-name-7-new-planets-and-regrets-it-immediately?utm_content=inf_10_1163_2&tse_id=INF_a0a16e90ff8b11e6a22fa5876bd4fd44

So funny to me!  Because they killed Pluto.  Yet it reminds me of James since we talked science and the sky and the universe a lot.  I cannot look at the night sky and not be reminded of him.  It is so bittersweet because on one hand it is nice to think of him and on the other hand I miss him so much that when I think of him it feels like someone is squeezing my raw bleeding aching heart through a garlic press, one that has recently pressed garlic and then for good measure some slices of lemon.  And salt. 

Kinda sounds like the makings for a really gross salsa.


I really feel like I am losing my mind.  I don't know what to do.  I have absolutely no desire to be spiritual or anything like that.  I just want to be a good human, and I am.  I'm a good person.  This morning my roommate was not feeling well.  Today at school the kids were supposed to dress in costumes of what they want to be when they grow up.  PJ was all decked out with his hard hat, tool belt full of tools, safety goggles and orange work vest.  My friend's daughter wanted to dress as an actor (or "acter" as she spelled it, so cute) so she wore a fancy dress and jewelry.  I have a book I wrote printed out with writing all over it, three-hole punched, and it looks like a script so I threw it in a binder and wrote, "Ella's Script" on it for her and found her a feather boa to wear.  My friend could not get off the couch so I took the kids to school but she told me before we left that I'm great.  And I know I am a good person.  I care about the kids.  I care about people.

I am a good person.  James would be lucky to have me in his life.  He would be blessed to have me but I feel like he knows this.  I know I always say how good he is and how nice he was to me, and he was, but any man would be lucky to have me too.  James included.  And I feel like he was really happy with me when he knew me, and I did not change.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I got scared when he left.  But who wouldn't?  I fell so hard in love with him and when he said he was leaving I totally lost it inside.  But still I did not do anything bad.  I was good to him too, and I know he was happy being with me.  He was happy I was his new sweet loving girlfriend.  He was happy to know me and have me with him.  He was happy to share time with me.  I remember that.

I don't like the quiet.  It frustrates me to no end.  People who love each other communicate and speak with each other.  We should be talking.  It frustrates me that we are not, and I am not sure how to change it.  I believe he loves me.  He told me he does.  And I miss him.

But I feel like all I can do is miss him.  And love him.  But I feel tired.  I ache to know him again!  I just wanna go to the movies with him or have dinner like two normal people.  Stuff like we did before.  Ugh.  It is so frustrating.  I'm impatient.  Patience in not a virtue for me.  At all, and I don't ask for it to be.  Patience, whatever.  I feel bad for thinking bad thoughts or doubting him or anything else I've done.  I feel bad for being angry and hating inside.  For my fear.  For my worries.  For thinking of anyone else when my heart is truly with James.  But I AM human too.  And I am doing the best I can.  And I really miss him.  

I wish I could hear from James again.  I need some hope.  I am feeling very discouraged.

I don't understand how I could say ONE thing- just one little "wrong" thing and then hear from him.  But now I've tried very hard not to focus on any of that and I don't hear anything at all.  How is that fair?  I tell God all the time how much I love James.  I cry, a lot.  I wish for him to be here.  I wish for us to be able to talk again.  I wish and pray to hear from my loving friend.  I don't understand.  I just want to hear from him.  I miss him so very much.

Jennifer