This is why I try to be good to myself. I do a lot with PJ and try to have fun. Sometimes it is a challenge to have fun when I feel blue. I guess it truly is a balance. At the same time I want to have compassion for myself. You don't realize that I actually torture myself over feeling sad and missing James. I get scared that it is the "wrong" energy. I get to feeling like I am being a baby and I need to be stronger- and MAN I really wish I could just accept the fact that I miss him and it feels pretty sad being without him. I wish I could be easy on myself, hug myself, and just have compassion for myself.
At the same time what I REALLY want to focus on is having James back in my life. I want him here with me. I want the dreams we shared together. He said he wants to marry me and be PJ's step-daddy. He told me I am his 1%. He said he wished his whole life to find "the one" who would love him and accept him just as he is, who understands him and adores him and then he met me and he said he finally found that woman in me. And he said he wants to sleep next to me and make love every night. He said he wants to come home to me.
That's what I want. I still believe we are meant to be together. I do. I still want a family with james. I want a baby with him, and that could happen. It is what I REALLY want. I want him HERE with me. With me and my son. That is what I have always wants.
And we are told to focus on our dreams, focus on what we want most in life. Well James is what I want most in life. He is. A life spent and shared with him would be my own personal Heaven; he is who and what I want. That is my focus. James. I just feel like I am experiencing something that most people do not experience and I have to accept that it doesn't feel like the "real life" I knew before. And fuck, he's worth so much to me that I'll try anything even if it feels very much not the normal way people live. I LOVE him so much, so much. He means everything to me. I was never happier than when I knew him and had him in my life. Life just does not feel the same now that I met him- I need him back with me. He is my bliss, being with him. It was the best most happiest loving healthy relationship where we became fast close loving friends, where we looked forward to talking to each other and we anticipated being together so we could kiss and laugh and nuzzle our noses together while embracing and simply enjoying each others company. He is wonderful. He is my angel. And YES I want HIM back with me. I always have ever since I've met him. Every single day I pray to see his adorable sweet face again and hear his voice and kiss his lips. I want to hug him and be hugged by him. I want to kiss him for hours and talk and get naked and make love. Really what I want is to kiss and make love, and then kiss and make love FOREVER. I don't need a bunch of discussion. I just want him back how we were, together. I feel we are meant to be together.
That is why it hurts being apart, and no I don't mean to focus on the fact that he is not here. I'd much rather focus on loving him, and why I am in love with him (a million good reasons) and wanting him here with me so he can be here with me. I honestly do believe James is meant to be in my life with me and my son as a family. So I keep on. I believe.
And I ache for him. I feel him. I remember him. It feels like he is supposed to be here. It feels wrong that he is not.
That is the best way for me to explain how this feels. Like something very important to my life needs to be here. I love James so very much, and I believe he loves me too. He is the man I want in my life. I want him as my family. I adore him. I wish he could be back right now. I so strongly wish he could be back right now. My sweetheart. I hope wherever he is he is well and knows how much I truly love him and cherish my memories of him.
Hugs,
Jennifer
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