Just Him

I keep thinking of this song.  It's how I feel.  I don't want somebody new.  I want James with me.

Not much to say.  It is always the same.  I love James.  I miss him.  I dream of having him with me.  I still want the dreams we talked about.  He called me his "future."  He'd say, "I love you my future."  And he told me, "I love you.  I miss you.  I want you as my future."  Well I want him as my future.

I tell the universe- I just want him here.  I want James with me.  If I were to hear from him all I'd want to do is love him.  No questions.  I don't need to rehash the past.  I only want to talk about our love.  Moving forward.  Being together.  I might fuck up a lot but one thing I can say is I would be SO fucking happy to hear from him and know him again that nothing else would matter.  I don't care about anything "less" than love.  The only stuff from the past I want to remember or recall is the love.  All of the loving time.  The phone calls that went late into the night.  The sweet words.  How much he loves me.  Him telling me, "I love you too.  I want you to be mine forever."  Those are the things I remember.  I just wish he could be here with me.

Right now I am trying to keep my focus as steady as I can- keeping it on what I want.  My dreams.  My wishes.  I miss my cute little Atheist Geologist love.  So many things remind me of James.  1980s alternative music.  Golf.  I can't pass a golf course without dreaming of James.  He said he wants to teach me how to golf and I still want to learn but I only want him to teach me.  He said he would be good to my child.  He said he could teach PJ science and help him in sports.

I dream of having a family with James.  I hold these dreams close to my heart.  I want him back with us.  And I still feel in my heart this is what he wants too.  And the only thing I can do is work on my focus and stay true to him, faithful to MYSELF and what I want.

There are other things going on in my life that I am tempted to put my attention towards but they are pretty useless so I need to keep my focus on what I want.  And I want a happy life for myself.  My son is already happy but I know James would be a great addition to PJ's life.  PJ would love having James with us- it would be great.

I have my dreams.  I am focusing on them.  Yes my heart aches.  I miss James a ton.  I wish he was in bed with me every night, making love.  I want to wake to his beautiful face.  I want to feel his arms wrapped around me during the night.  I want to make us all breakfast.  I want to cook us dinner.  I want to take good care of him and love him.  I don't think the women he was with before he met me treated him as good as he deserves, and I want to treat him well and be loving and kind.  Those are my dreams and I still focus on them.

I miss his kisses.  I want to sit and kiss him again.  I really miss how he would gently touch my face (he has great hands!) and smile and then kiss me.  SO sweet.  OMG so sweet.  I love his kisses.  He was here and kissed me last year and I ache for more kisses.  I just want him to hold me and kiss me for hours.  Forever.

So yes my heart aches.  I long for him.  I cry.  Songs take me off guard and then I cry.  Deep thoughts.  Things that remind me of him like seeing an advertisement for "Cosmos."  There are certain things I cannot bring myself to watch, like science shows.  They remind me too much of James.  And my heart can only take so much.

All I want is him.  A life with him.  A family with him.  I want James with us.  My life has not been the same since I met him.  He really brought so much happiness to my life, a joy that I did not know existed until I met him and was able to spend time with him and get to know him.  As I've said before, happiest time of my life.  Absolutely, hands down.  James is so funny, friendly, cute, loving, affectionate, gentle, personable... just wonderful.  He is a wonderful person to know.

He is a wonderful person to know.  I wish I could know him again, like here with me.  In my heart I know him but I miss his sweet presence in my life.

I want him back with me.

That's about all I can say.  I love James, totally and completely.  He is the man I want in my life.

Jennifer