I dated before I met him. I was also married before. I have talked with and known enough men to realize that James is THE ONE who matches with me. Perfection like that is once-in-a-lifetime. A gift. I know this. That is why I feel like I do. He is irreplaceable. But I wish he was with me. I miss him so much. I miss my gift.
Life is good but strange. I honestly do have fun. Just maybe where most women my age who are "single" are dating- I'm not. I try to be careful and watch that energy. Like recently a past love (the one who sends the songs) sent another song. Just a song. But this time it was while I was having a pretty low moment and it was a song very specific to the time we spent together. The title also could hold a reminder to me about my focus so I said thank you. He sent a few more songs, things he likes that he thought I might like.
Thing is, I get sad. I miss James SO much. For a moment I considered texting or calling my old friend to catch up. But our history is far from "casual friend" so it does not feel right to me. For some reason he sends me songs once in a while and I'm supposed to make note of them but my intuition tells me that's all. So I didn't push it.
I've mentioned I have a female friend in my life who is living this twin flame experience too. She was told before she met me "Jennifer will help you" and I surely hope I have. She and I rarely talk anymore. She feels pity for the way I live my life. Since I choose to focus on what I want and at the same time avoid other men- she thinks it is limiting and she "feels bad for me."
Last night I took PJ to Target to get Pokemon cards (just a ten-pack) because he did not get his name on the board which means he managed to keep his talking under control. Yippee!! I'm trying positive reinforcement and this was a four-day week which helped but he was able to get a taste of the reward that comes along with working on his self-control. I'm observing him to see if we can avoid the need for medication. Neither me or his dad want him medicated and thankfully we both agree on such an important topic. So I'm trying positive reinforcement. Reward! Punishment does not work. I've tried taking things away but he is so easy going that he takes it in stride, bounces back very easily so it doesn't make much of an impact. I'll ground him from his nightime IPad time and he will happily grab some books to read and look at. What am I gonna do? Take even his books away!? No. And getting angry or raising my voice only scares him and makes him cry. He cries real tears and says "I don't like it when you are mad at me" and nope, this mom can't handle it! If he legitimately did something that needed disciplining then yes I will light into him but just for talking in class after I already know he is naturally "hyperactive" just no. Not worth it. So hopefully Pokemon cards will help. Worth the $4.18 to me!
Anyway we also went to Red Mango which is our favorite place, frozen yogurt. We were thinking of going to the arcade after that when my BFF Beverly text me and said she was thinking of taking her girls to the arcade. So of course we met up for the evening and had a great time. I love Bev. She has been my dear dear friend since middle school. About 30 years now! She's as close as a sister to me. We talked, had some snacks and played pinball.
I do not have a pathetic life. I did tell Bev I really wish I could go to the arcade with James. We would have a lot of fun. Those are the things I miss, knowing all the fun we could have together. Couples are there all the time and I wish I could go with James. Bev understands. She also realizes I was happy to be out with her too. I normally socialize with my friends or family or yeah, I'm alone. But I do believe I'm in the connection that we humans have labeled "twin soul." And it seems standard that almost an isolation is necessary for those of us working on learning how to focus properly.
My other friend who is a twin soul wants full happiness right now and I understand that. She craves feeling good. I get it. But for me I do avoid other men. She sees that as me living a pitiful life. I see it as... how often do single men and women "just" be friends? How am I going to "hang out with" or be active friends with men who have said they wish they could be married to me? It won't work.
She can't seem to understand that because I'm so in love with James and I miss him dearly he is the only man I want to hear from. Yes I do ache to get a message from him or a phone call! I'd love to talk with him. I can't tolerate hearing that song "I'm Only One Call Away." I have to turn the station when it comes on the radio because it crushes my heart. I WISH James was a call away. I wish we could talk like normal. I wish. I miss our long talks. I miss hearing his voice. I miss it so much that when that song plays I cry and change it. I want to talk to James. But to JAMES. Talking to him would make me happy. Him. I miss him. I remember how easy it is to talk with him. We connected fast and hard. He is stimulating in every single way.
Irreplaceable to me. Too sweet smart loving and cute. At this point painfully so because with him I had Heaven in my life. Without him it is just so different. Yeah like last night I do go out and have fun. Bev is one of my angels. She understands me and loves me. But she also knows and respects my Love for James. So it was a blessing to be able to see her last night. I have a good fun life. I just miss someone special so much that it colors my good life with that "blue" feeling.
I really wish I could talk with or see James soon. My heart aches. There is a song by Ed Sheeran that someone used to make a Scully and Mulder video (season 11 of The X-Files has been confirmed! Yippee!!) and it is called "Hearts Don't Break Around Here." My heart is not broken. James did not break my heart. But my heart aches for him. It aches. All the time. No matter how happy I feel at a moment- my heart still longs for him. I miss him. I wish he was here to share my life.
He is who I want. I love him so very much.
Jennifer
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