Kisses

I Want to Kiss You All Over

 I miss James.

That is all I can really say right now.  I don't understand the signs or the dreams.  Really all I want is to hear from him, talk to him, and see him again.  I want to hug my friend.  I want to hug my friend who I have not seen in far too long.  It is very painful to miss someone this much- I ache to talk with James.  ACHE.  I want to talk with him honestly.  I want him here with me.  I still believe he is meant to be here.  I don't think he ever wanted to leave.  And now I miss him so much.

I'm super emotional.  I think of all the stuff we talked about that I want, like sharing life with him, being married, making love every night.  I want to be good to him.  I just want to show him my love for him.  They are good things but I sure do miss him and wish he was here with me.

We are told in this experience to "send them love."  Well God knows I love James.  I love him and want him to be happy and well.  I do!  But I also miss him, and I don't think it is selfish to want a phone call or an honest conversation.  I want truth.

There are many "dreams" I still hold dear to my heart concerning James.  I want all the things we talked about.  I want him as part of my happy family.  I'd love to be his wife.  I wish he could be around PJ, a part of my son's life.  I still have my dreams.  But I NEED truth.  I need it.  I've never wanted truth more than now.  James once told me that honesty means more to him than anything else in a relationship.  I ask myself- am I honest?  I'd like to think I am an honest person so what did he mean?  I try to live an honest life.  A moral life.  I am a good mother, and I love James.  I want HIM.  I say that a lot, and for a reason.  Because I've been shown to focus only on what I want.  And I dearly want him back in my life.  I don't care how- an email.  A text.  A phone call.  A surprise visit!  Something- something.  I want to hear from James.  He is my caring friend.  I love him, and I know he loves me and cares about me!  I know it.  But even so- all I ask for is truth now.  That is what I really need most.  I want a lot of things, and they all revolve around having a life with James.  But I NEED truth.  I wish I could get that now, truth.  I need to be able to talk to James again.  This is so challenging- and I won't even share the little things that happen right now that confuse me.  I swear I am still spoken to in certain ways but I don't always understand it.  All I know is I love and miss James and it aches.  All day every day.  I wish it were different because I don't like how it feels but that's how it is.  I love him and love is wonderful.  But I also miss him, and missing someone who is so wonderful doesn't feel good.  It aches because I want to know him again.

I can't control how I feel.  I CAN control how I react.  I can control the choices I make.  I can even work really damn hard on the thoughts I allow myself to think BUT I have learned that I can't control this ache, the missing, the desire to know him again.  What my guidance long ago called me being "heartsick" after James was gone.  I am still heartsick.  It never went away.  I miss him.  I really wish I could have him back in my life.  My heart aches to know James again.

That's all I have right now.  I hear songs like this one, "I Want to Kiss You All Over" and it crushes my heart.  I ache for him.  I want to make love with him.  I want to kiss him all over, and I want him to kiss me and hold me and taste me again.  I want to be his friend and his lover, his companion.  I want back what I had with him, that blissful love and sweetness.  I feel like I am dying inside.  No one can understand this feeling unless they are going through it, no one.  This ache, longing, pining, need, LOVE.  I miss him.  It hurts so much.  

Honesty.  I wish I could get some honesty now.  Truth.  I wish I could hear from James and get some truth.  I'm pretty exhausted.  I have the weekend off with my son and I want to have fun and be lighthearted.  I am always a sweet mommy; he tells me so all the time.  But I am a sad mommy.  I try my best to put on my happy face and have a great time with him.  In this life I currently have, where I feel so sad because the man I love is not here with me and I miss him so much, my joy comes from being with my son.  He is my blessing.  He keeps me going when I hurt.  He is my buddy.  He told me the other night before bed, "Mommy you are a miracle."  What seven year-old says that?  A miracle.  I don't know about that, ha, but it was sweet.  I just wish James was with us.  We'd make a great family together!  I miss him so much!

Have a good weekend.

Jennifer