Crying in The Rain

Well it seems I'll need to build an ark soon since it won't stop raining. The weather is a good reflection of how I feel right now.

James was here a year ago tonight. I still don't understand why or how I was able to see him again after two and a half years but it was a welcome moment, one that felt like a miracle to me. But now it is a full year later and it's been a long time since we have talked and I miss him so much.

I miss James so much. I have no idea what to do. Not much I can do really besides not kill myself from the level of sorrow I feel. May sound melodramatic but come walk in my shoes and see how I feel then you will understand. Today I spent most of my day with my son and the other two kids who stay with us. They helped clean the toy room. We listened to Disney music. We played some Uno. We went to Red Mango for frozen yogurt. And we watched "The Fox And The Hound" before bed. The kids help. But now it is bed time. I refuse to allow myself any alcohol when I already feel like emotional Hell. So I just plain hurt.

I miss him. I remember seeing his beautiful face. Those blue eyes! He is so attractive to me. I melt looking at him and he smiled at me and hugged me and he looked so cute and sweet like I remembered.

I want to curl up into a ball and sleep until morning. And not hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore; if the powers that be could please make this not hurt then I would really appreciate it.

We are told to ask for help. I'm asking. Been asking. Yet I'm still here alone and aching. I don't get it. It makes life very hard to want to live. I definitely don't feel well tonight.

I want James in my life. I at least want to reconnect and know him again. This is Hell right now... and what did I do to deserve this? I tell God I know James as is good loving man. He is kind and was good to me. I know he is the kind of person who would want to reach out. And I do want to know him again.

Last year he was here with no discussion. Holding me and kissing me and making love to me. Even cuddling me. I've missed him so much it has nearly killed me.

I swear to God this has nearly killed me. I am literally begging God for some kind of break. Hope. HUGE HOPE. I need some solid sign or reprieve, a message from James. Some kind word from him. A visit. Seeing his face and hearing his voice. Truth. But I need hope please. That is my prayer because I feel pretty hopeless right now. And it hurts. I ache realising he was with me last year and I've missed him for another 365 days. Missing him hurts.

Loving him is bittersweet. He is a good man and easy to love. I miss his sweet kisses and warm embrace. I miss having him sit on my couch kissing me and holding me. Laughing with me. Being my friend and lover both.

This feels like I'm dying inside. I miss James so much. I hope I fall asleep quickly. The only time I'm not hurting is when I'm sleeping.

Jennifer