"Every night, I'll kiss you, you'll say in my ear, oh we're in love aren't we?" I wish with all of my might that was me and James, laying next to each other so we could say, "We love each other so much." I remember he once told me, "Oh see? We got past that because we love each other so much." I know we love each other, that love never changed. We do love each other.
I'm really upset. And I don't want to talk with anyone. I don't want people correcting me or trying to school me or guide me. I really don't. I just want those who know me best to say, "I know you are hurting. I wish it was different. I wish he was here with you. I wish you had peace." Because that is all I can tolerate hearing. If you tell me to "Just be happy" I will want to throat punch you.
The hard part is me and James discussed being married and sleeping next to each other every night. He told me, "Maybe one day we won't have to say goodbye or goodnight. Maybe we'll kiss each other goodnight every night in person." And that progressed to him telling me that he wanted to marry me and wanted me to be his forever, and that he wants to make love to me every night. He told me that he loves my kisses most. That I am the best kisser ever. That he wants to kiss me forever, and really who sits around for hours just kissing these days? Not many people but we did.
And I ache. I miss James dearly, and I can barely tolerate it. I get upset that I'm going through this "experience." I asked for a nice sweet loving real boyfriend. I did not ask for a twin soul, so I get upset because this feels like it was forced on me, having a mirror. I did not want one. I only wanted him to stay with me and be mine forever. I wanted to marry him and live with him and love him, and still to this day all I want to do is love him. All I want to do is love James.
The silence kills me because I ache to speak with him and connect with him and hear his sweet voice; I miss James dearly. I don't feel happy at all. I want to talk to him. Friends talk to each other. People who care about each other check in and say hello and talk. Not only through "soul." They use their words! I MISS him. I miss his voice. I miss his face. I want to see James again. And I want truth. I really want truth from him. It is very hard because when you are in love with a person you ache to know them, be with them, talk with them. Even good friends miss each other and talk. So this is not normal- it feels in-human. It goes against everything that makes a person human to have to be away from, silent from, the person loved. It is something that I will never accept. There is nothing beautiful in the silence when I want more than anything to connect with this man again. I want that more than anything else in the whole world. To know him again, talk to him freely, honestly! I want a fucking honest conversation with James.
I'm very frustrated, and again I've been thinking that if it were not for PJ I would end this life experience because it's too much. I don't like it. It hurts far too much. I hurt so so so much. I cannot stand it. So last night I dreamed of this woman Lisa. In my dream I was with her. When I woke I realized she is the sister of my old friend Kim who killed herself some years back, and the irony is Kim is the only person James and I both knew. Not exactly sure what that means, dreaming of her sister, but I am sure it is some comment on how low I feel. All I want is love in my life. Peace. Happiness. I did not ask for mirror. I just asked for a sweet kind loving boyfriend.
And I tell "God" or whatever is out there that the only reason why I even keep trying and staying single and alone, hoping, always hoping, is because I love James. A lot. He was super good to me, and I know in my heart that is who he is. I have no doubts about that. He was very gentle and kind when we were together, and our love never ended. "Nothing changed" which is something he'd even told me himself. He told me, "Nothing changed. I feel the same exact way." The same as he did when we dated, and I feel it is still the same now.
So all I can say is- to tell me to "be happy" when I feel like dying is just so insensitive. I hurt. It is a legitimate feeling. There is a reason for it. I miss the man I love. I can't grieve properly because it never ended. Limbo sucks. And I keep trying... ONLY because I love James. That is the only reason, because I care for him and I love him. Only because he is special would I ever stay in this.
But I do hurt. And I should be able to express that. Anyone else going through this would be aching too. I know my blessings, and I do count them. I appreciate all that I have. My dear sweet child, my few friends who really care about me. My solid career, nice home. I have a lot of abundance when it comes to those things but my life is lacking my partner, my companion- and it feels like death to me. It hurts really really bad, and no job or car or vacation or money or even friendship replaces having that special someone to share life with, and I dearly want to share life with James like we discussed. A home together. A family together.
I miss him so much. I miss him so much.
Jennifer
No comments:
Post a Comment