Lonely

Ugh.  I hate weekends without my son.  I am here at work.  It was a very busy day so it went by fast and now the day is over.  And I dread it because my son is going with his dad and I have nothing to do.  So here I sit at work not wanting to leave because I have nothing to do.  Or if I do then I have to do it alone.  And it sucks.  I hurt.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to see Pirates of The Caribbean and it is opening night but I just can't bear sitting alone again in the movie theater.  I can't.  I don't want to.  So I will wait until PJ and me are off together next week and we will go together.

This absolutely sucks.

It hurts so bad I can barely take it.  AND it is raining outside, of course. 

I want to scream.  But no.  I know I'll just cry. 

I'll go home and write and then go to bed.

I am very lonely.  I am so lonely.  I miss James.  So yeah I am lonely for him but I also feel entirely hopeless and discouraged since it's been so long. 

As I've said before- all I can do is keep sticking it out.  I don't want to be lonely anymore.   I don't want to have to go out to dinner alone, or go home and eat alone, and I will.  I've been alone for almost four years now.  And before that I was dating, didn't have anyone special in my life, and before that I was in an unhappy marriage.  The one constant I've had is my child.  Otherwise when it comes to relationships the only good nice loving blissful time I had was the few months I knew James.  And then it's been this for over three and a half years.  I FEEL LONELY.  I miss him and it hurts and I feel so hopeless and down.  I do love him.  Always have.  But this shit is killing me.

I really am so very ready to be happy in love, a happy wonderful blissful relationship.  I wish it could be with James.  But right now I see absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel.  I can't fake it- this hurts a lot.  I ache.  I don't like how I feel at all.  I miss James so much, but I also feel hopeless like- how the fuck do I know if I'm ever going to hear from him again?  Yet I stay alone.  So I'm in limbo.  And I do not like it.  I want some resolution.  I want hope.  I want some light at the end of that tunnel.  

Nope, not feeling well.   I hope ya'll feel better than I do.