Memories

I... really miss James.  I am getting ready to go home and be a mom but I really wish it was like when I knew James.  When I knew he was coming over to see me.  When I knew I was going to be able to see him.  I looked forward to when he came over to my house.

Honestly I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing now.  Strange stuff happens but I won't detail it here.  All I know is I miss James.  I love him, and I wish I could hear from him.  I wish I could see his face.

The other day I came across a thought a woman wrote about her Beloved.  She said she is not co-dependent in wanting this man in her life.  She said she just knows how good it would be, how happy she would be with him, so she wants him in her life with her.  Because she knows how good it was and how good it would be.  So she holds on and tried and has faith in all this because what she wants is him.  To her being with him=happy life.  I get that.  I understand her.  I know what I am missing in not being with him; I know how good life would be if James were here with me.  I know he is the perfect match for me.  I love his mind, how he thinks, how he talks, how he expresses himself, his Atheism because he is such a free thinker, so brilliant.  I LOVE that about him.  I love that he says love and kindness are most important.  I love that he feels monogamy is important and he is faithful.  I love that he is respectful and protective of who he loves- he showed me that even in the time we were together.  He was careful with me.  I love that we can talk for hours and hours and never get bored but that when we are together, alone, all we want to do is kiss and touch and make love.  Maybe talk and then kiss and touch some more.  I love that we laughed together.  I love that he can make me laugh.  He is silly, a goof ball.  I love that I felt so good with him and like he accepted me just as I am.  I told him some things about me that I did not really want to admit for fear of being judged harshly and he let it roll right off of him, told me he understood, told me it did not change how he felt about me.

Talk about relief!  He treated me so gently and kind.  I miss that.  Of course it aches.  Of course I know what I am missing, and of course I want him back in my life sooooo so so much!  I wish he was here.  My arms ache for him.  I want to hold his hand again.  I remember how he so sweetly asked to hold my hand on our first date when we went out for a walk.  We just walked along together holding hands while he told me science facts and asked questions, and he kept looking at me with a small cute smile.  Immediate friends, and I knew I liked him.  

But immediate friends.  I felt like I could tell him anything, talk to him forever, and I did not want our night to end.  I could have walked along with him until morning.  He felt warm, safe and comfortable as well as... he is really cute so I felt like I'd hit the lottery.  And his red "A" for Atheist t-shirt that he wore.  I remember everything.  I remember how sexy he looks in black because his beautiful blue eyes totally glow and the black makes them ever more vibrant.

And he is handsome.  I saw a man yesterday who reminded me far too much of James, and that is so hard because it brings everything back.  And then it hurts because I ache even more deeply.  I want to see his sweet face again.  I want to see him smile at me and come up to hug me like he does.  I want to FEEL my friend again, and I mean feel his presence.  I want to talk to the man who used to drive to my house in the evenings to see me, to come visit me at my house- it's rare these days to find a man who will come over just to sit and talk and kiss or just spend quiet time together.  He came over to be in my presence and see me.  Like... he wanted to just come see his "girlfriend" and that is so cute to me.  And I looked forward to seeing his little black car outside.  I loved knowing he was going to be with me later.  He picked up from work for lunch once- that was sweet too.  Very thoughtful, to want to take me to lunch.  And he had to take the day off to do so.  Who would not want that back in her life?  Really?  Once you have had perfection- what the fuck do you do?  Seriously?  I miss James so much.  I am in love with him because... he earned my love.  He showed me how awesome he is and how wonderful he treats people, treats women, and I love him for that.  For his friendly funny nature, for his intelligence and being unique.  He is totally affectionate too and I love that.  Like kiss and hug and hold hands all the time affectionate.  He told me all the time how much he loves me- and that was bliss.  He showed me so much love and kindness- of course I miss him with my entire heart.

How could I not?

How can you not love a man who... ugh, he would kiss me for hours and not ask for one iota more than kisses.  He loved to just kiss me, and I know he loves my kisses.  We kiss good together.  Magical kisses, lost in each other kisses, losing time kisses.  Heaven on earth kisses.  I'd do anything to be able to kiss him for the rest of my life.  I miss him so much!  I miss him so very much.  To have a man who cherishes you and protects you and respects you is a gigantic gift.  I ache to have my gift back with me.  I miss my gift.

I miss him.  I have our memories but I want more than memories.  I miss him and want him with me.  I need to speak with him.  I want to see him, see his beautiful face.  I wish I could feel his hands touch my face again.  I wish I could feel him kiss me and hold me.  I really wish he could hold me and hug me.  I just want to sit and hold him, quietly.  Feel him hold me.  Hold each other.  I want that so bad.  I ache to feel his arms around me again.  I need him here.  He would always gently touch my face before guiding us together for a kiss.  Oh God I have videos of us kissing but I have not looked at them in like two years.  I can't.  I remember them in my mind but I can't watch them; they are too hard for me to take but I do remember the kisses.  And when he took the video we both started laughing so he's on video with his silly laugh and it just turns me into a pile of sobbing goo so I can't watch it.  But I do remember.  We had fun.  We laughed together.  We were friends and we still are friends.  We ARE friends and I miss my friend.

I really ache.  All the time.  I wish this was different now.  I wish he was here.  I wish to hear from him soon or even better see him, be with him, hug him and kiss him.  I do love James so much.

How can I not?

Good memories yes.  Good memories of beautiful love.

Jennifer