Really the reason why I feel so frustrated and unsettled and aching is because I love James and miss him and he is not in my life, so I miss him. Normally that's the reaction to being away from someone you love and not talking with him or seeing him in a long time- you get that achy painful longing in your heart. That is what I have.
And it hurts. And the pain is for HIM. HIM. Not anyone else. I miss my perfection. And here is the crazy part about it. In order for me to not hurt I have to stop thinking about him or us or wanting him so much. And then all I want is to feel normal and be normal and have a relationship- what I have never understood about the "teachings" out there is they tell you to "let go" of your twin but then at the same time you are supposed to be alone and not with anyone else. So... just enjoy life ALONE and be okay with it, okay with not really wanting anyone because in "letting go" of your twin or wanting that person you are essentially telling the universe you are not actively going to want him any longer but then you are also not going to want anyone else. And I don't know about you but I am damn tired of being alone. I am not happy with it, no content at all. I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE NOW.
It is not like I just popped out of a relationship and am entering into a rebound thing. It is not like I am co-dependent and can't live on my own! I do it ALL. The only times I need help is like I bought a new gas grill this weekend and it is 1) too big to fit into my car and 2) too heavy for me to lift or carry into the backyard. So I paid for it and asked my dad to help me later this week when I am off. There are times here and there when I cannot do something on my own due to physical limitations. My neighbor was kind enough to come over and start my lawnmower for me this year, and I think he has every year now for a while because it is always too hard for me to start. I can't get enough power in my pull to get it started after a long winter. Sometimes there are things I just can't do- even if I wanted to.
I tried opening a jar the other day and it would not open and I got upset. Mad then cried. I am tired of not having someone with me who I can say, "Hey love can you open this for me?" I beat on it and used the can opener to lessen the pressure and finally got it open myself. Normally I get shit done. ME. I get shit done. I have a home, a car, a solid life, a great career and a good education. I did all those things. I earned them, achieved them. I am the one who decided to end my marriage because it was not going well. I knew I'd have to take care of the house myself, and primarily take care of our child by myself too. The thought scared the shit out of me but I also was so unhappy that I could not take it any longer, and he was not happy either. It was a huge step though. But I did it. And I made it work.
Point is- I am not codependent in any way. I know I rock this shit. I do the best I can and my best is damn good. Fuck I am far from perfect but who is perfect? I don't want to be perfect. You know what I want to be?
HAPPY.
Yes, happy. Like blissfully happy and ladies and gents (if any gents are reading this) I am not happy without romantic love in my life, especially after this long in being alone, and double especially when I ache and long and yearn for one specific person day in and day out. I am not happy. I hurt. This shit is painful. I want James in my life. I want truth. I want contact. I want to talk with him! What I really want is to hug him and hold him and kiss his face off and then make love for...ever. But I would settle, right now, for an HONEST genuine conversation. TRUTH. Or again, in place of that, no talk and just kisses. Lots and lots of kisses forever and ever. I am good with either one. An honest conversation that alleviates this huge disastrous pain inside me that feels like it is killing me or him in my arms holding me and kissing me and never letting go. I'd much rather have option #2, lots and lots of kisses forever. I really don't need much talking but I need SOMETHING. I am freaking out. Losing my shit. I try to keep it all together but I gotta tell you this is taking its toll on me.
And all I want is James. Yeah I wanna be touched and hugged but I want it to be from HIM. That is why I have stayed single this whole time! Because I want James. Not because I feel like I "have" to or God will be upset with me or whatever. I love James and I want him and somehow I feel like if you want one thing then you should focus there, not on something else because conflicting focus will block desired results.
Or that is how it seems to me. Not to mention that the first time we made love (and it was so sweet and good!) I wrapped myself around him and told God from my heart that this was the only man for me, that I wanted to marry this man, and I wanted James to be the last man, the only man from that moment on, that I would make love with.
And as of this moment I've managed to stick to that. But I want James. I ache for him, and it does hurt! Fuck anyone who says that we are not supposed to hurt! James and I were close! We were happy and he disappeared, like unreal. I am still traumatized from losing the best man to ever happen to me. I've never gotten over him. That still hurts. I miss him every waking moment. I miss him. I love him and I miss him and it never lets up! NEVER!
I have nothing to dull that pain. There is no one here in my life (and my son just is not the same in any way shape or form) to hold me and kiss me and be by my side. No one I can ask to open the pickle jar or carry in the gas grill or *gasp* help me put it together. Or sleep next to me cuddled up and kissing my neck after making sweet hard passionate naughty good love. Or laugh with me while making dinner. Or have pillow talk. Or me cooking Shepherd's Pie for. Or kissing on the couch after a long day of work, or looking forward to seeing at the end of the day. I want all that with James.
And I hurt. Missing someone you love fucking hurts. I miss him all the time. I miss him right now. I love James so very much. All I want is him here in my arms. No explanations needed, no drama, no interrogation. I don't care about much besides our love and him being in my life. It would be heaven to know him again.
This is so very hard to take right now. I've already sobbed at work and I can't wait to get out of here. My son's last day of school is today and I am taking a few days off with him. Maybe going camping. Wishing James was going with us as a family instead of me always doing everything on my own while wishing so deeply he was here. I have never put a tent up by myself but there is a first time for everything... although I dream about him being with us, camping with us, fishing with us.
The only part I truly love about all this is James. I love that I met him and experienced real pure true love with him. I can accept that it has made me pretty fearless (had to or else I would have died.) I protect myself. I feel pretty "cleansed" and pure and I don't take much shit. I love me way more than I ever did before- and all of those are good positive things but I could have learned that stuff in easier more peaceful joyful ways, not like this. I respect what I've learned but I do not LIKE it. Never will. But I love him. I have mixed feelings about a God that would "design" us like this- but I adore James, always will.
Not being codependent. What I mean is I want James because I love HIM. If I just needed or wanted "a man" in my life I could find someone nice. But I don't want someone else. I love James. I love him and miss him and wish he could be in my life again. Like I had him before, loving and close and kissy and good. I want science pillow talk. I miss being cuddled in his arms after making love, pillow talk.
I need to go cry.
I miss him so very much.
Jennifer
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