Normal

Oh dear Lord- I am longing for normal.  Seriously.  I want to talk to James again like two normal people, like we used to talk.  It is so unnerving and I get so fucking upset because none of this feels normal or real.  He and I talked a lot.  It was interesting conversation.  There was always something to talk about, and we just liked hearing each others voices and connecting.

The thing that is so surreal is there were times after James was gone where we'd reconnect and talk again and it was like totally... normal.  Back to how it was.  We'd talk and laugh and it was all fine and good, and we'd be on the phone for hours.  He'd ask me to stay on the line longer ever after my ear was hot from three hours with my cell pressed against it.  I'd be tired, middle of the night, and he'd say, "But I hate saying goodbye or goodnight."

SURREAL!

This does not feel normal and that's why I don't accept it but also it frustrates me.  To tears.  I want to talk to my friend again like I used to!  It is still there- nothing really happened- I know that love and connection we shared, that intensity and desire and attraction, still exists.  And YES I am still fucking traumatized because I MISS THE PERSON I LOVE.  I miss him.  I miss James.  When there is no resolution it hurts.  Limbo aches.  No answers, nothing, is kicking my ass.

I try to stay focused on what I want.  I want James so for that reason I don't even talk to other men; I make it a point not to.  I want to talk to James.  But it is so frustrating to want something to badly and then not get it but at the same time stay away from all else.  So my only option in the mean time is to be alone and I am so fucking tired of being alone.  I hate doing shit alone.  I am so GOD DAMN tired of being alone!  I want my companion!  I want to talk to James.  I want the light at the end of the tunnel, some peace.  This "unknown" and limbo is Hell.  And I don't know how to change it so I just try to get through day by day by day, each day hoping, praying, longing to hear from my friend.  I can talk to anyone else, anyone I want to all I have to do is reach out and say hello and have a conversation.  Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to want to talk to this person and he is seemingly like the ONLY FUCKING PERSON I can't talk to?  It makes me sick- seriously it makes me want to puke.  I get angry.  Not at him but in general. I get upset.  Because it should not be like this.  It shouldn't be like this.  So I do this silly thing- I talk to him anyway.  Like I send him messages because I am so past the point where if I don't hear back it makes me feel bad.  I always have hope that one day he will reach out to me but I don't freak out with unfulfilled expectations.  So if I am overcome and missing him and wanting to talk to him then I do.  Because if not then I feel like I might explode or lose my mind or have a meltdown of some kind.  No matter what I know James welcomes my messages and my thoughts and my heart.  We always talked.  I know James is a good person.  The kind of person who would talk things out, for real.  Like FOR REAL.  Normal.  I've always told him (and those of you who read this blog) and the universe that when I hear from James and he "feels" like or seems like or sounds like the man I met and knew- then I will believe whatever he says to me.  Anything.  When he reaches out and is kind and friendly and caring and genuine like I know he is then I will believe what he has to say.  I will know he actually means the words he says and then I will be more at ease.  For now- I am not at ease because I have not spoken with him for a long time where he acts like the man I know, where I know he is being sincere and honest, and I know he actually means what he says.

And this is fucking Hell on earth.  It truly is.  OMG I can't even.  I have an exciting possibility in front of me, something we've talked about, something he'd understand and I want to talk to him.  Like a normal person.  Like I can with any of my friends or people I know or even people I work with.  This hurts.  I miss having him in my life, or having any access to him, or hearing from him, or knowing him.  It kills me inside.

I want more than just talking to my friend, of course.  I want us how we were and how I know we are meant to be.  This time last year he told me, very specifically, that he DOES love me and he always has.  THAT I know is truth, and this entire experience is unnerving.  And the thing that upsets me most is I do actually TRY.  I see what I've needed to change from the past and I TRY to change it.  So where is that reflection, hm?  Where is it?  I KNOW he is a good man.  I'd bet my life on it.  I know he is caring and kind, and I know he cares about me.  James knows I am a single mother.  He knows I have concerns and a sweet child and life is enough already as it is- he would NEVER do this to me with intention.  I am sure he wants to talk with me- so this aches, deeply.

Don't mistake what I say- I do not feel disregarded.  What I feel is entirely frustrated because I know this is not "real" and it pisses me off.  I know who he is.  I know he loves me and is a loving person.  He cares enough that he'd reach out if he could.  So I ask myself- well, then what can I do to allow him to reach out to me?  WTF do I need to do?

At this moment in time there are only so many things I can do.  1) not run off because I am irritated, frustrated or fed up, and believe me I don't like this experience.  I just do not BUT I love James.  Ha, I do love him- if I did not love James then there would be utterly no reason at all for me to still be doing this, trying, etc.  NO fucking way.  I ONLY do this because I love him and I hope and pray all the time that one day I will be able to see this man again or speak with him, at least speak with him FOR REAL.  TRUTH.  So here I am.  I love him so very much.  I want HIM.  I love him and miss him but I am not patient.  Not at all.  I am not some spiritual guru love and light "Lightworker" who is all about God's timing and blah blah blah- kiss MY ass.  I am not patient.  I feel frustrated and I hurt because I miss this person so much and I am so tired of hurting all the time.  But when you know something is not "right" or normal then it is impossible to accept.

I know him.  I remember him.  I remember how kind he was, attentive, responsive.  And he was, very.  He always checked on me.  He said good morning and good night.  He always called me, all the time.  I never called him because he always called me first.  He left me cute loving voicemails.  He knew what time I got out of church on Sunday and he'd call afterwards to say hello.  I miss his voice.  I miss him.  I miss the real true honest genuine him.  I know that is really him, the kind person who cared about my well-being.  Who PROTECTED MY HEART!  I KNOW that is him, and this is the most painful frustrating shit ever.

It is difficult because I DO pray.  I ask God.  I talk to the universe.  I beg.  I cry.  I ache deeply, and then nothing.  Like prayers gone unanswered- how the fuck am I supposed to believe in God when I talk and pray and ask and sometimes even beg but I see no change in this?  The one thing I want absolutely MOST?  Yes other good stuff happens to me, and I really am thankful for that stuff but that stuff is not my HEART.  It is not love.  The person I love so so much is missing from my life.  It doesn't feel good.

Try to understand- not only do I miss James but there is no resolution.  The last actual real contact I had with him was when he called me last year.  It was... like a reach out so I did not sink, basically.  I was ready to crash my fucking car that day.  He would not have done that if this was not really happening, as fucking surreal as this all is.  I know this man loves me.  I know he loves me as much as I love him.  And that is what hurts most because we should be together, should be talking, should be friends.  I should be able to text him about my day and get a response, have a friendly conversation.  That should be happening.  It did before and nothing bad happened between us.

I was thinking about it because sometimes I can get down on myself like "I did this wrong and that wrong" but this has been one challenging situation to get through.  But when we dated I was nothing but good to him too.  He was good to me, yes.  Generous, kind, sweet, loving, thoughtful, gentle... a great boyfriend.  But I was the very same to him.  I wanted ONLY him.  I was so very ready to have a real legitimate committed loving relationship.  I knew what I wanted, and I wanted to be 100% loyal and faithful to this person.  He asked me to be his girlfriend and said he loves being committed and he appreciates faithfulness and monogamy and that he was ready to fall in love again.  Inside I was like- wow, that's what I want too and I told myself that this was it.  I was all in, setting boundaries with any other man I was friends with or who talked with me, because I wanted to be completely honest with James in all ways.  That was my intention.  I was excited.  I was so so so very happy to have met him.  I felt lucky to have him in my life.  I fell so hard in love with him.  He meant so much to me.  And when he disappeared it almost killed me.  But I look back and I cannot be hard on myself because I was as good and loving to him as he was to me.  That is why he told me I was the best girlfriend ever and he fell in love with me too and could see me being his wife.  That is why he called me his "future" and told me he wanted to have me there with him every night.  Because I was good to him too.

This hurts so much.  I miss him way too much, and it is every day like this.  I don't write on the blog every day because it's just the same stuff all the time, right?  But I can't help it.  Limbo bites.  I hurt.  I miss him so much.  I am still very much in love with him and I've had... signs.  Songs.  I think messages here and there if that's what they are.  I write about something and then it is reflected back to me somehow and I'm not always sure what that means.  I want to hear from JAMES.  That is who I want it reflected back from, James.  THEN I will know for sure.  Then I will have some real peace.  Because songs, messages, signs- what are they showing me?  I tell myself it means to keep being persistent.  Keep trying.  Keep "clearing" and shifting and LOVING and being honest and one day I will be able to hear from James himself and he can be honest with me.

Honesty is what I want.  Truth.  I want him to contact me and be himself, no matter what he has to say.  I don't necessarily want "answers."  I want to talk with him where he sounds like himself.  Where I can have an open honest transparent conversation with my friend, like normal.  Where he can stay in contact with me!!!  I want this to be real life and normal and genuine and like it was before when we were just two people who met and fell in love and talked and kissed and made love and were good to each other and there for each other.

I feel like very day I am just barely hanging on.  Telling myself to keep trying.  Don't give up.  I love him so much.  I will say this time and again- the only reason why I try, why I think of him and focus and don't give up and move on and try to meet someone else and have some semblance of a normal life with a person who can actually be here, be in my life, not this "twin soul dynamic" is because I adore James and I know with anyone else- it would not be him.  And my GOD he is who I really want.  But damn this shit is a challenge.  Anyone else can just respond.  Say hi.  Reach out.  Anyone else is "easier" but I don't want easy I want James.  I want what I had with him, that perfect love.  I miss my golfing Atheist scientist silly goofball handsome thoughtful brilliant sexy loving caring boyfriend.  I want to sit on my couch and see him smile at me as he touches my face and then kisses me forever.  I want him to hold me close.  I want to hug him and have a real conversation.  I want to know how HE is doing too, how life is for him.  Like before, like I know is real and truth.  I want James.  So I keep trying.  And each day being apart from him kills me, and I hurt, and I have to try to deal with it the best way I can even when I want to fucking explode and I cry all the fucking time.  I cry all the time!  I get pissed off because I learned a new simple way to do my makeup but it really helps if I wear mascara but then I end up crying and then it's all fucked up anyway and it's all just so... ugh.  I want to be done crying!  I want to have love, real love that can stay and be with me, in my life!  But I want that with James!  I want him to be back!  I want this to be real again.  I don't like this but I feel like there is not much I can do but keep trying as much as I can even though I am very tired, exhausted.  It has been a long... three years and seven months.

I am one strong bitch.

And my heart is aching.

 I miss my Love and my friend  :(......

Jennifer