Desire

I've been thinking about the advice people have given me about doing whatever I can to make myself happy, live for me, be happy, and then James would come back.  But it feels like setting a person up for failure because how can you be totally happy and feel fulfilled when the one thing you want most is gone?  I understand that the advice is always well meaning, people want to help.  I appreciate people trying to help.  But sometimes the advice actually doesn't help.

Had I never met him then I would not know what I'm missing.  So let's say I was single and really hoping to meet a nice man and have love in my life, that would be different because I would not be missing something wonderful that I already had and knew.

I feel like I have a huge weight on my chest; it's almost hard to breathe.  This time of year, the weather, totally reminds me of being with James.  I ask myself- would it be like this ten years from now? Twenty?  Such vivid memories, still?  Because it's been four years and still I can remember walking with him, how the August nights felt.  And then September.  September 2013 was like the best month of my entire life.  I spent it being immersed in James' love, his sweetness, his silliness, his friendliness and caring personality.  I remember his sweet smile and how he'd look at me.  His smile- it haunts me.  I swear.  It's so hard.  This is so hard, and I have to wonder- are there others out there who feel like I do?

Do any of you who read this blog hurt because you miss this person, and nothing helps to ease that ache?  NOTHING?  It's been FOUR years and I still ache.  I feel like the only thing that would take the edge off at all is if I threw myself into another romantic relationship with someone else I liked.  Or even loved.  I already know I could love someone else... but I'd still love James, and I'd love him most.  I'd be haunted, always wondering.  I can't do that.

So I stay alone.  I stay alone when I'm lonely and I really want a romantic partner in my life, and I miss James with all my heart.  I hurt.  I'm frustrated and I hurt.

And then I also wonder- well what if he WAS "just to teach me."  What if?  But I can't accept that- it breaks my heart and I'll tell you why.  I hope at least one of you out there can understand this.

James never stopped loving me.  We were hardcore in love when we parted.  That kind of love where you can't wait to get your hands on the other person, where they are all you think about, and you smile simply because you know them.  He loved being with me.  He hated being away from me.  He told me I was the woman he'd hoped for, that he finally found the perfect woman for him.

He called me, "My future."

Seriously it is UNREAL that suddenly he was gone, and then all this happened.  It should NOT have happened.  There was no problem between us, no relationship issue, no lack of love.  All we did was love each other, and I'm serious- I was traumatized when all of this happened, and I still am.  I won't ever ever heal from the trauma of having someone I fell so hard in love with, gave my heart to fully and completely, adored, grew to trust, felt was a dear friend, was the NICEST person I'd ever met, sweetest man ever, spent hours and days talking with him and connecting with him, kissing for hours and hours and hours and then finally making love and it was sweet genuine REAL love we made.

The first time I made love with him it was so... right.  It felt like, ugh, just so clean and pure and right.  Love, all love.  Healthy and safe.  Comforting and healing.  And I told God James would be the last man I'd ever be with, that I wanted to marry him and be his forever.

Never have I ever loved someone so hard or deeply.  So true.  He's all I could think about.  He made me so happy.  So imagine how I felt when he was suddenly gone, and then quiet, and weird.  NOT REAL.  It was Hell.  I was traumatized.  In shock.  It felt like someone dear to me had died.  It was a suffering I really could not share with anyone because no one understood; I suffered much of it on my own, or with the help of whatever guides me.  Without that I would have died.  The pain was more than I could handle on my own.

And now four years later I'm still not healed from the shock and loss.  I'm not.  I don't feel the same as back then because now I truly believe he loved me then and loves me now but I have no idea when or if I'll ever see this man again, and THAT is totally traumatizing for me.  Talk about heartbreak.  OMG- I can't even.  To take two people who truly love each other... I know he loves me.  But not being able to talk to him, not knowing him, is killing me.  I miss him so much.  My heart hurts.  My chest is heavy.  I want to cry but then at times there are no tears left.  Just this blue sorrow inside when I remember him telling me over and over again that he would make love to me every night and be there for me and wanted me as his future and wanted to have a family with me and be my son's step-daddy.

It's nearly impossible to get over someone when that person is the person you truly feel was made for you, meant for you.  I feel like I was made for him, and him for me- we are that perfect together.  He used to tell me, even after all this happened and we'd reconnect, how much he appreciates me.  I thought that was really sweet.  I liked being close and intimate with him.  I want to be his lady which means I'd do anything for him.  And he'd email me and say, "I'm so lucky to have you.  I really appreciate you."  He'd stay up most of the night talking with me.  That sweet kind voice.

I'm dying inside.  This is a pain I would not want for anyone.  I just want him back.  I wish I knew how to be able to be in contact with James again, and NO it's not as easy as "going to find him" or just reaching out to him- when those avenues have been taken away, and when you know (like I do) that nothing I do physically (like trying to locate him or contact him or "convince" him) will change this- 3D workings don't work anymore unless they are meant to- it's really hard to accept.  I sit here missing him, and I don't WANT anything else.  I don't think people understand that.  I don't want a hobby.  I don't want to write a novel.  Even if I go on a vacation or out for a nice dinner- well that's all fine and dandy but STILL I ache on the inside, like every moment I'm awake.  HE is what I want, a life with James.  I want him.  Nothing else compares.  Nothing fills that void.  THAT is why I get so frustrated when someone tells me "Find your joy. Be happy.  Do you."  I would if I could- but nothing helps.  I've forced myself to make jewelry and it's terrible, pathetic energy.  I have NO passion for art or anything creative like that.  Believe me I've tried, and I really do hope that fire comes back to me some day; it used to be such a big part of me.

But right now I can't really help how I feel.  If I could don't you think I would have made it happen already?  I HATE feeling like this.  It's horrible.  I miss James so much; it's a pain I really can't explain.  My heart aches.  My heart wants him.  I'd do anything to hear from him.  I love him more than I can say with words.  What I want most in the world, my biggest wish, is to hear from him where he is himself again and we can talk normally, openly, honestly.  And I'd like to hug him and kiss him.

You know, I didn't see him for almost three years and a ton of crazy shit (much that I haven't told a soul) happened between us and STILL I saw him again.  And he held me and kissed me.  And talked with me and made me smile and was just so very "The James I remember."  And he was as much in an emotional upheaval as I was.  I could tell.  It was love, and he felt strongly.  I FELT him.  I know him.

So this makes me crazy.  I ache for him.  It hurts.  It's hard living like this.  I wish it would change now.  I love and desire him on every  level.

Jennifer

My Love

I remember pillow talk,  laying in your arms nuzzled against your chest. Those were the best times of my life.  I miss you so much. And I don't understand so I'm confused and it hurts. All of this now hurts. Living without knowing you at all hurts.

I know people read this and think all sorts of things but I'll tell you what - being in love with you and remembering you and knowing how good you are,  clearly recalling the beauty of the time we shared together, shows me how little regard people have for love when I get comments telling me if I would just do this or that then I'd feel better. Like no one can grasp that I'm blue because I miss the man I love. I miss you.

I want pillow talk,  laying in your arms after making love. Smiling and talking and laughing together.  Real genuine good healthy lovemaking, like we had together.  Lovers and caring friends.  I know you are my friend! I know it. I know you love and care about me. But being away from you hurts almost more than I can bear. I love you so much and there was no end to our love.

I wish I could hear from you again,  talk to you. I miss you. I wish I was with you cuddled in your arms tonight.

My sweetest friend I adore you.

xoxo Jennifer

Blues

I'm struggling.  Still I ache and hurt, and it never goes away.  I can barely tolerate it but I have to live with it.  I really have no other choice.  This is a painful way to live though, I can tell you that.

Currently I feel like I live my life for everyone else but me.  My life is not how I want it to be, especially not my home life.  I am frustrated with my living situation and it's far from what I dreamed for my life.  I'm torn over things in my personal life.  I want to have my family now.  MY FAMILY.  My real family with a husband and wife and kid/s.  That is my dream.  So I feel hopeless, stuck and frustrated.  I have no mate or companion to confide in.  No shoulder to lean on.  No loving husband to come home to.  I want my loving husband.  I want my family.

I miss James so much that it makes me sick on the inside.  It affects my sleep.  It hurts my heart.  I can't stand it.  I don't like how I feel.  This is not the life I thought I'd have at this age.  It makes me so sad.  I'm not happy.  I wish I was happy.  I feel like I should be happy.  But I am not.

Nothing about this feels good right now.  I am confused.  I don't have much hope.  All I want is to talk to James, honestly and openly.  And it feels unfair that a conversation has not happened.

I live my life while being depressed and trying to hide it, trying to be thankful for what I have, at least trying to be positive even if I feel sad or hopeless.  But I honestly think I'm somewhat depressed.  If I didn't have my child I really think I'd kill myself so I could escape how Hellish I feel on the inside.  It is suffering.  No, not many people would understand it but no one else is walking in my shoes or knows how I feel on the inside.  I hurt so much, am so sad, miss James so deeply, that death feels like it would be an escape.  And it's not an option so I am stuck here, and I hurt.  I hurt because I love someone who was pretty much ripped out of my life in the most unbelievable of ways, and I have NO resolution, at all.  I am in limbo and it feels like Hell.  I want some type of resolution, answers, TRUTH.  I want the fucking TRUTH.  I'm confused right now.  I dislike limbo, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I need affirmation of some kind; without affirmation I am left wondering if I am ever going to hear from or see this man again, and we never ended, never had a real "goodbye," nothing bad happened between us for us to be apart and not talking- I didn't do anything bad to him, never.  It's unreal, and without truth and some type of resolution this feels like shit.  I ache to hear from James.  I miss him so much, and I am lonely but for him; I don't want to love somebody else.  The thought is saddening to me because it would be a tragedy since we shared a real honest genuine huge love that never had an ending.

I feel like I am losing my mind.  I hurt so much.  I can barely take this.  I only stay here, on earth, because I am a mother.  If I did not have my child I really feel like I'd find a pain-free way to end my life here so I could escape this torturous way I feel.  I honestly think the universe knew this when it brought my son to me.  Something out there knew if I did not have PJ in my life I'd end my life here in order to stop hurting.

It's absolutely horrible.

I pray for some positive change in my situation concerning my personal life, my love life, and my home situation.  I want to be truly fully happy in my life but for me that means I want to be happily married with my own happy family, husband, wife and kid/s.  A happy home with my family.  James used to talk with me about "When we are married" and thinking back to that, remembering it, is very painful for me.  I want what we talked about.  I want what we had.  I want our love back in my life.  I want him.  We separated for no reason that concerned not loving each other.  It's so hard to take knowing it was absolutely perfect with him, everything I've ever wanted in my life, this sweet dear good man who would be an amazing loving companion- and I ache for him.  I love him and miss him so much.

I'm feeling pretty low right now, the bluest of blue I guess.

Jennifer

Birthdays

It is James' birthday today. Mine was yesterday, anniversary of when I met him on our first date.  I hope he had a good day.  It was an eclipse birthday.

Strangely I ended up walking down the same area we walked on our first date last night because my son and I were out and walking home and it just happened like that.  I sobbed half the day yesterday.  I look tired and sad in the pictures my mom took even though I was trying for happy.

It's a total eclipse of the heart.

I love you but I'm devastatingly sad.

Jennifer

Just A Hi

I don't have the energy to go find a picture for this post.  I really don't have much to say either.  Nothing new.  My heart aches.  I want to cry.  I do cry but maybe not as much as before.  I stay very busy with my life, especially work now that I am the acting director of the department where I work and it's insanely busy with tons of multitasking so that keeps my mind occupied.  But I'm still sad, and honestly it sucks really bad.  I want to be happy.  Truly fully easily happy.  But being in love with someone and longing for that person and "holding on" and constantly trying to have hope- all of that wears me down.  I want love in my life right now.  I want this to be different.  I don't want this silence anymore.  I have a problem understanding why I can't just talk with James and have a normal real honest truthful conversation with him.  I am a grown adult and after everything I've been through I can handle pretty much anything.  But I want the TRUTH.  I want to talk with the man I met.  It frustrates me to no end that I have not talked to James where he sounds normal, like he did when I knew him.

If I could talk to him where he sounds like himself again, kind, polite, friendly, gentle, caring, considerate, empathetic and compassionate, then I'd believe whatever he tells me.  I'd have some peace.  But right now I have no peace.  I have no peace when it comes to James.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I stay single, not dating anyone else- it's one thing I feel I can do, stay alone I guess.  I don't have any men as contacts for anything besides at work.  I'm pretty used to it at this point.  It's weird though how I'll have someone reach out to me and then I'll turn down an invitation or something but that person will ask again.  And again.  So each time I take it a step further, like if someone happens to ask for my number I'm going to not give it out.  If someone random wants to talk with me on Skype or Facebook I'm just like, no.  I don't talk with men I don't know.  It's actually very frustrating and unwanted, and it makes me angry at the divine because I want to talk to James.  I don't talk with anyone else because the person I WANT to talk to is James but then the shitty thing is this one person I want to talk to more than ANYONE else in the whole fucking universe is seemingly the ONLY person I... sit here aching to talk to but with no contact.

I don't know.  I feel like the only thing I can do, if I'm going to continue to hope, try and believe in all this, is to love him, stay focused on his goodness and love for me, and make sure I stay committed in my heart to only him.  I STILL believe that we have this connection.  I still believe that he had to leave me when he didn't really want to.  I believe that he's loved me all along even when he could not show me (and he told me last year that YES he does love me and always has, so he confirmed what I believe.)  I believe in what's happened even though it's very strange and I never asked for it.  I love James more than I've loved anyone besides my own child.  I love him beyond anything that could be humanly said or done, and I believe he loves me.  That's the only reason why I hold on- because I believe he really does love me and he deserves my loyalty, deserves for me to hold on.

Most people I know who have walked this path with me as twin souls have defected or are freaking out.  My one "friend" who I mistakenly kept talking to even after she kept lashing out at me finally lost it enough that we won't ever talk again.  I don't want her in my life.  I hope she learns whatever she needs to in order to get on in her life.  Other people either text me or email me and they are all hating on their twins or saying "This can't be my twin" and it's all ego and pain and upset, and I get it.  I really do.  I just try to listen and be as compassionate as I can.  I don't know one single other person having this experience who... loves their person and tries and wants to be together and defends that other person and holds that other person in high esteem and close to their heart.  So I feel lonely.  And I miss James.  I miss James and I wish he was in my life, a part of my life.  I ask God- what am I supposed to do in order to hear from him again?  Because FUCK I already know that nothing I do, like texting or emailing, is going to "force" it to happen.  If I do reach out to James it is because it feels like I'll explode if I don't at least try to tell him how much I still love him and want him and only him in my life.  That I still remember him as the kind man who picked me up at work and took me for lunch, or who came to visit me at my house, who patiently kissed me for hours, who met my family and was sweet and respectful.  Who brought my son Pop Rocks and suckers- a good wonderfully dear man.  Of course I hope, wish and pray to hear from him.  But even more than that I ache to have him here in my presence, to hold me and hug me and kiss me and cuddle me.  I want to see his beautiful face and kiss him.  I want to make love with him again.  I want to be close to him.  He's the perfect man for me, everything I ever wanted or asked for, and I don't want someone who isn't him.  I want HIM.  There was no reason, no real reason (like real life) that we parted.  I know his love for me never ended.

I hurt inside.  I'm antsy and irritated and still trying to stay away from drinking at home as an escape from this deep ache and longing and sadness.  I miss him SO much.  I wish I could talk with or spend time with the man I know he is, that good sweet kind man.

And my birthday is this weekend.  I can't help that I no longer love my birthday.  It hurts too much to remember that I met him on my birthday, and every single birthday since I met him has hurt me because I miss him so much, and I can't really share that with my family because they don't understand.  Last year I was able to somewhat overlook it because I went to ComicCon and met Scully and Mulder from "The X-Files."  It took all day and was busy so I didn't have to think about it.  But then the next day is his birthday so I get to think about him all day again.  I do wish in my heart for him to have a good birthday but I wish mine would pass with no more pain, longing and memories that make me cry my eyes out. I cry because I miss him and want him back with me; I remember him and then ache for him and it hurts.  I want the magic I felt when I met him, holding hands and walking and talking and smiling and laughing and having the most wonderful time of my life.  Meeting the man I fell so hard in love with that four years later here I am, writing my heart on a blog because I miss him so much.  I want this pain of missing him to end now.  I want the loneliness of not having my companion in my life to be over.  I want my happiness back, the happiness I felt when I had James in my life.

Jennifer

When I Need You

This is how I feel right now.  My heart aches for my sweetheart. I wish with all my might we could walk and talk and hold hands while we discuss what to do about our love.

James said I'm the perfect woman for him. The woman of his dreams. He once said he has dreams about me,  said "You're not only the woman of my dreams but the woman in my dreams too." So many sweet things he said and also did. I miss him.  I miss his sweet kind personality. I miss how funny he is. And smart. I miss our long interesting stimulating conversation; I miss his super sexy voice.  I miss his beautiful smile and sweet kisses,  his tender touch.  He has great hands and I love how he would smile at me, touch my face, cup my cheek in his hand and kiss me. The sweetest kisses. Always gentle and loving.

I miss James and his kisses. I'd do pretty much anything to sit next to him being held in his arms kissing each other, lost in each other and our amazing kisses. I know James loves me and misses my kisses too. But I miss him and missing him deeply aches; it is a pain I try to deal with gracefully but I don't always succeed.

I'm upset.  Again another man messaged me last night, late. I don't know this person at all and don't have any desire to speak to him or know him. But when I'm laying in bed awake at 3AM missing the love of my life and wishing with all my might to one day see him or at least speak to him again... OMG getting messages from someone else burns my ass; I can't help it. I miss James so much.  I would love to hear from him like I used to. A hello text. An invite to call and talk. A response to one of my "I can't help but tell you I love you" messages.

Something that sounds like James. Loving and caring and warm and funny and kind.  I ache to hear from him because I miss him desperately.  So to get a middle of the night message from some dude I don't know really pushes me. I'm trying to stay neutral but I'm tempted to feel taunted and prodded but I don't understand why.  When I dated James I wanted a new start with him. Total commitment.  He was all I wanted. I made a point of clearing the way with any guys I was friend with, making sure to state that I met a wonderful man who I was happy to call my boyfriend. Yes at first it felt odd because I wasn't used to it but within a month,  once he started saying he could see us being together forever all I wanted was him. I fell hard in love and I dreamed of marrying him. I look back and ask myself... did I have unfaithful thoughts? I really can't say I did at all; I was pretty much head over heels I  love and consumed with thoughts of him or his presence when we were together or talking which was often. But I can't understand why is it that over and over ever since he left have guys strangely popped up out of nowhere,  like testing me or something? I guess I don't understand that. I don't understand why it happens. And it happened immediately. I remember.  He went quiet and a guy I knew invited me out to lunch and started texting me. I was distraught. Confused. Hurting so so so much. My boyfriend had disappeared and I was losing my shit. I told this guy briefly that I had what I thought was a sweet boyfriend but I hadn't heard from him. He said "forget him." All flippant and stupid- like love is something disposable and worthless.  It was weird because I was only friends with this man; in the past we had met for lunch a few times but I didn't want to date him.  So his behavior surprised me and I ended up telling him to please leave me alone. Oddly enough he resembled James but all I could think about was James, "What the fuck is going on? Where is my sweetheart? I'm gonna die."

Still though, the dudes popping up thing has eerily happened time and again. I'm no beauty queen okay? It isn't normal. I'm 43. Recently I've had 30 year-old guys telling me they are infatuated with me or how beautiful I am (when all I can feel is the extra ten pounds I need to lose.)

It ain't normal or... real. And I don't understand it although I'm trying not to get angry at the divine or the humans.  I explained to my male co-worker twice that I don't date because I'm in love with someone. Feeling pretty dorky I went as far as to clarify that I do not have guy friends and I do not want to hang out with single men... because I love this other person. But he still invited me to go to the fair with him. And my son.

Like I totally would love to do with James. And it hurts. It hurts because I TRIED. I made myself crystal clear. I basically was saying "Please don't ask me or invite me out with you again." So it pushes my buttons. I was torn over being polite or telling him to not ever contract me again if it isn't work-related but God help me being mean doesn't come natural to me at all so I just said no. I still don't get it though. All it did is make me cry because I want it to be James. It just makes me miss him even more and it hurts.

I wish it could be James and the powers that be, whatever is causing these other people to message me or very strangely think they wanna know me, knows I want it to be James. So it's hard not to feel upset. I'm super trying to avoid being angry.

Not my strong suit. I tend to feel angry when I'm confused and I don't understand.

I really miss James though. My heart aches for him. I long too hear his voice or see his adorable face.  I miss his sweet smile. I miss,  dearly miss,  my friend. I want to hug him. I want him to hug me. I want to hear from him.  I can only wonder when the other shit is going to quit. I know that someday I will speak with James again. We love each other. But God damn is this painfully frustrating.  To ache and pray and wish and hope and dream for one specific wonderful thing but to be presented with something else, what I don't want,  is disappointing and confusing. Maybe if I understood better why it happens I would feel better. I can only speculate.

All I really care about is this man I love. I wish I could know how he's doing. I wish I could speak with him like I can any other person in my life! The ONE person I long to talk to is the only person I have this silence with. It's abnormal. We care for each other. We are friends. Friends talk. It makes me crazy because I know truth. I know he is a dear good kind person who cares about me. I just know. So it's frustrating.

I can close my eyes and feel you with me. I remember how perfect it feels to be cuddled in your arms.  But I love you so much. Only you. And I miss you with every breath I take.  I honestly don't know how I'm making it through without you it hurts more than anyone can understand.

Body on Fire

Man.  I do love this man, still.  Even after over a year of no contact at all- I still think of him every day and I miss him... every day.  It aches.  I hurt.  It is frustrating.  I don't like feeling like this.  I want to be happy.  I want to be in a happy romantic love relationship but with James.

Little things happen.  Mainly signs of sorts, things that seem to speak strongly to me.  I still write and put my faith in choosing the appropriate focus.  I will only speak well of James.  To me he is the sweet man I met on my birthday four years ago; I am free to choose what I want to remember- and I know he is the kind gentleman I dated and fell in love with.

Before I go on, as an aside, I get people who reach out to me, those who have found my blog and want to ask questions, or vent, or get some reassurance.  I do the best I can to help those people.  I've been through a lot in these four years.  I firmly believe in the whole "mirror soul" aspect of this connection.  I don't know why we have to go through it.  I don't like it.  But I believe it.  I love and respect this other wonderful human being who has played the part of that mirror for me.  And I miss him with all of my heart.  The irony is no one out there really knows the entirety of my experience because I don't want to document it all.  Out of fairness to this other person I don't feel it is necessary to explain everything he has had to show me about what I create with my words both written and spoken, and my inner anger and fear flare ups.

But when other people who seem to be going through a similar experience contact me telling me all the horrid crazy shit their twin souls do or say to them all I can do is try to explain that IF it's a twin soul connection then it concerns energy, intention, manifestation, being taught some hard lessons, being forced to own your shit and stop taking it personally, trying to see this experience from a higher perspective than "real life" only.  Honestly though I don't think one single person I've worked with has been able to get past "He's such a crazy asshole and I won't take his shit anymore."  And all I can think is... man if this person truly is a mirror soul then it's not going to be a fun journey.  But I also know you have to go through it and see the mirror over and over again until finally you realize it's real and you give in and start changing your thinking.  Not taking it personally.  Beginning to feel compassion for your other half for having the play the role in the first place because I'm certain it doesn't feel good to them either.

But each person has to get there in his or her own time.  If ever.

Me?  I love James.  I firmly believe in this situation, more than I've ever believed in anything "spiritual" in my life.  I am a hard sell.  I am by far a skeptic of the metaphysical world.  I want proof.  I want undeniable outcomes that can be tested or proven time and again.  But enough has happened to me in this for me to fully believe I have some kind of connection with James that I didn't necessarily ask for, and I don't think I have control over whether the connection is there, and I don't think it matters at all if he believes in it or feels it or whatever.  It is still there, at least on my end.  I feel in my heart that he loves me and thinks of me buy beyond that I have no idea how this affects him, if at all.  I don't concern myself with that.  I honestly don't care!  All I care about is seeing his sweet adorable face again and being in his arms.  I want the human real life aspect of loving him.  That is what matters to me.  I adore him, remember his sweet kind loving gentle self, and I miss him dearly.  I really don't like what happened, the separation and not being able to talk to each other but I don't blame him at all.  I just miss him and wish it could change.  I ache to talk to James and hold him and touch his face and kiss him for hours.  All I want to do is sit and kiss and hold each other for a very long time.  I want to be close to him.  I miss him so much- it hurts a lot.  To love someone as much as I love him but not have him in my life feels like my heart is being ripped out- I ache.

A comment about what we have labeled as "twin flames" or "twin souls."  I've had energetic connections with other people in my life.  I have it with my son, my aunt, my best friend.  It is either soul or psychic or something.  I've had past men I've loved know little things about me, how I feel, when I am scared or secretly struggling, but it was on a small scale, here and there... and NONE of those people, not one of them, ever had to shine my fears and doubts back to me in a way that felt bad or scary.  It's a strangely unique connection with a twin soul.  What I've noticed with James is he seems to be mainly a reflection of how I feel about love, how I've trusted love, my fears about him loving me, my fears or doubts about him in general, what I think or say about him... like he isn't showing me just general everyday stuff about myself.  It seems to all revolve around HIM and how I feel about HIM.  And how do I explain this?  You know in the spiritual community it is a popular teaching that "Everyone is your mirror."  Well I don't totally agree.  There is a clear distinction between a twin soul and others.  I can only speak about myself with James, and knowing TRUTH is very important.

See, when I knew James (before this "shifted" like it did) I know the man I met and spent time with, like when he was actually here in my life, is truthfully honestly him.  His genuine nature and personality which is friendly and loving.  THAT is truth.  But if I've ever doubted him or whatever (doubted what is actually the truth) then it's like I am believing something other than truth, believing something bad, and then I am shown what I am believing.  And it sucks.  Well I don't do that anymore (and I'm not shown that anymore either) but it was hard to learn to stop.  So here is the distinction- he is actually a very good nice person who is kind to me.  That is truth.  And I needed to focus on that truth and believe in it.

BUT- other people.  In everyday life we do meet people who are assholes.  I know a few.  Mean rude people.  And I refuse to think that those people are being ignorant towards me because I need to "see something about myself" through them.  No.  They are just assholes.  So I don't believe that bullshit of "Well if Sally was a bitch to you it's because she was showing you something you need to be made aware of," like secretly I am a bitch.  Not buying that because I am a nice person and I've had a few people be really big assholes to me in the past.  So if those people were showing me anything then it was that I need to stand up for myself, protect myself, know when to walk away, or know when to cut people out of my life. But that is different than a twin soul because in this example Sally really truly IS a gigantic asshole who treats people like shit.

Twin souls though... typically there is that phase of meeting a super great person who is amazingly wonderful, sweet, nice, friendly and great.  A person who is truly a genuinely GOOD person, a person who doesn't show you anything but love and kindness.  And then POOF it changes, then maybe that person changes and starts acting much different.  But at first (before that strange twin soul shift many of us have experienced) they were SO SWEET and attentive and talking all day long and totally connected and affectionate and PERFECT, like a dream come true.

But it seems most people are forgetting that initial goodness phase, and they have a hard time holding on to it or believing it in once the "mirroring" phase kicks in.

I for one cannot forget James' goodness.  I just can't.  It would be a tragedy to do so!  He was SO kind and good to me and my son both.  My son.  A man that sweet and kind and crazy in love with me... doesn't just change.  I'll never believe he's anything less than the guy who asked to hold my hand on our first date, the guy who kissed me for weeks on my couch without pressuring me for anything more, who was happy and content to just kiss me and hold me and be in my presence.  A patient gentleman.  THAT is my James, and that is why I still love him so much.

Am in love with him.

Frustrating shit has been happening to me.  I am trying to be good about it, not get angry, but it is hard.  This man from my work keeps asking me out even though I've told him, pointedly, that I do not date.  I've went so far as to tell him why.  I've text him and told him, "To re-explain this to you, I have no guy friends.  I don't talk to single men.  I don't date at all.  I don't text or chat with single men.  The only males I talk to are my family or the people I work with and that is because I love someone a lot and I don't want to be with or talk to or hang out with anyone else.  So please don't take it personally when I don't accept your offers."

Like... isn't that shit pretty fucking clear?  Did I text-stutter?

But yesterday this SAME guy text me asking me if me and my son want to go to the county fair with him.  And I said no.  But I am polite because I work with him.  But it is a punch in my gut and makes me cry and makes my heart ache in the worst way because I WISH IT WAS JAMES.  I want to go to the county fair with James and PJ.  I want to spend time with James.  I want James to text me and say hi or ask me to go for a bike ride or a nature walk.  So it KILLS me and I don't like it coming from someone else but I SAY SO, and I say NO and I explain (I've explained the "I love someone" thing twice now!) but still he asks me.  After I said I DON'T HANG OUT WITH SINGLE MEN EVEN AS FRIENDS!  It's so frustrating because it has this feeling of... prodding me.  Like it's not totally "normal" so I can't be upset with the human being because it just feels like... pushing me.  And I try so hard to take it in stride.  But it hurts because I miss James so so so much.  And I wish it was him.  So it makes me cry and be upset inside.  Because why?  Why... I just want to hear from James.  To talk to him would mean the world to me.

I don't want anyone else.  I don't care.  I just want him.  I miss him and I know we love each other.  We had no ending.  There was no conclusion.  No real good-bye.  And no resolution.  It's limbo and it kills me.  I love him, am in love with him, and I miss every last thing about him.

I heard this song yesterday and YES it is exactly how I feel.  I ache for him, deeply.  I want to cuddle him and touch his face and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him for hours.  But I also want to make love to him for...ever.  I want to be close to him, by his side, with him.  His.  I don't want to be with anyone else, only James.

This hurts.  It is not easy.  I do the best I can.  But my GOD do I miss this man and love him, and I just wish I could hear from him, know him again, have my loving caring sweet FRIEND back in my life- my friend who I know cares about me too.

You set my body on fire.  I miss you, and I love you from the bottom of my heart... just in case you see this.  I wish I could kiss you and only you for eternity.  You are my angel, always will be. When you were here last the reason I made love with you and gave all of myself to you is because no matter what I TRUST you and I know you love me as much as I love you.  I know you do care about me.  And you are the only man I want in my life as my friend and my lover.  I wish you were here to be my friend and my lover; I ache for you.

I miss you so much sweetheart.

xxoo