One Thing

Well so far so good in my efforts to control my bad drinking habits. I started feeling so sick every time I drank hard liquor, terrible heartburn, muscle twitches, and I could tell it was affecting me in a bad way. Along with that I've wanted to lose some weight because I've put on some pounds. So I've had to cut back on how much I eat.

Upside in losing a few pounds and staying away from booze is I no longer get heartburn and I feel like I can breathe easier. I'll drink a beer once in a while but I'm okay with that. What I don't want is to buy vodka and drink hard liquor at home.

I had to laugh though. Tonight I really wanted ice cream. I love ice cream! My son is spending the night at his cousin's house and I'm home alone. I went to get ice cream but the place near me is closed. So I went to Walgreens instead and got a small container. Well two. They were two for four dollars! But as I was checking out I realized in the past I would have been buying vodka.

I'd rather get the ice cream.

Tomorrow will be four years since the first time I talked to James. It is not easy for me. The ongoing relentless silence kills me inside. I hate it. Not talking to James hurts
 No closure hurts. Limbo hurts. Knowing this is all so surreal and unwanted hurts. Aching to know him again and have him in my arms hurts. But one thing I have to be really careful of is that I don't use liquor to try to escape my emotional pain. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on it. Drinking finally got to the point where I feel so extremely shitty after drinking that I can't take it. I remind myself often of how nasty it feels an hour or two later.

I really wish James was here with me right now. I wish I was cuddled in his arms. This feels like Hell on earth to me. I wouldn't wish how I currently feel on anyone I know. Not even my mean clerk who thankfully retired. To love someone so very much and miss him and weep for him but not have him in my life or my arms is painful.

I miss James.