Just FYI I, your Warrior Blog Writer, is struggling a bit over here. I never thought I would be living this existence. I am "just" a Midwestern working single mom, trying to give me and my son a happy life. I don't feel like anyone special. I am me.
So why in the fuck am I having this twin soul experience, ya know? I am having it because I love so hard that my soul knew I, of all people, would fight longer and harder than most to see truth and love in the situation. But my GOD. My GOD. It hurts to be in love with someone who is not here and who does not communicate with me. Yes I understand we are together in Spirit but that does not help when I lay in bed alone each night. Maybe I am just not as spiritually strong as I should be because I want it all.
I want Joron back in my arms,
And how does that fit into "The Law of Detachment?" I've been tussled by this detachment thing. How can I give up on dreaming of a life with him? Especially when we've talked about it so much. Every time we reconnected we'd speak of getting married. He told me over and over that he was coming home to see me, and honestly I think my fear fucked that all up. I just could not get there.
I researched detachment today and I found an interesting article that helped me a bit. It does not explain to let go of the heart's desire. It's different from what I thought. Here is part of it; I highlighted what I find very interesting and worth comment.
With detachment you are dis-identifying yourself, but not separating. You are releasing yourself from the control of identification. When you have achieved detachment, you are no longer conditioned and controlled by the inertia, glamour and illusions of objects. You are free. Detachment means freedom. It means a truly self-determined attitude..
In true detachment your spiritual identification deepens and widens on the spiritual side of an object. At the same time you identify less and less with phenomena, until eventually you are able to see the object as it is,free from your personal, mechanical reactions and free from your imposing, forcing will of the lower self, expressed in many ways. According to your degree of success in detaching from any object, your soul love increases, and your joy deeper. Attachment makes you smaller; detachment makes you greater..
When you are truly detached, the personality factor of the object does not disturb or control you. The inner reality, the core of his being, becomes the important factor to you, and you help to release that beauty by detaching yourself from personality reactions, inertia, glamour's and illusions.In detachment you are not ignoring the Real man; you are ignoring the illusion, the appearance, and you can see more clearly than before because you are not caught in the net of personality reactions. Detachment changes the nature of your relations with the object. Since your relationship is no longer based on your personality reactions nor on the other's personality reactions, you are not mechanical in your behaviour towards him; you are awake and conscious and your approach is a Soul approach..
If I can read this with my own interpretation based on what I have been dealing with in this twin soul union this says that the "object's" {Joron's} personality should not control or disturb me. I should not remain attached to what is shown to me. Here I have been sitting here agonizing over feeling like I have to detach and let him go and not want to dream and not imagine an outcome with him {marriage and lots of sex and babies} but when I read this article I liked what it said. It says in detachment you are not ignoring the "real man" but the ILLUSION. HMPH! Just the other day I was told that the mirroring, the cold cruelty, is "just an illusion." And I know it is but I appreciate how it is described here. It's telling me to not be mechanical in my reaction towards him, and right now my reaction towards him is clearly based on my fear over the mirroring.
So maybe, for me, "detachment" means to LET GO of fearing the mirroring and instead believing in the REAL MAN who is sweet and kind and good, and that would really help me accept this "Law of Detachment" stuff a whole heck of a lot more than trying to detach from my desire of wanting him in my life in the future. That seems like a total paradox. I can see letting go of the fear of NOT getting it by believing it's already mine but to try and detach from dreaming just isn't going to happen for me.
Detaching from what he shows me right now, the mirroring, that "personality factor" which is not really him, that's what I need to do but I've been so worried about this damn "Law of Detachment" that I can't even focus.
I like this article. I like how it states that with detachment I am able to see the object {Joron} as he truly is. Detaching from the illusion. Very interesting stuff that helps me a lot!
This Law of Detachment says to let go of "selfish desires." Because he and I have both talked about getting married and having children I don't really think it is a selfish desire to want to be with him. Loving a person is very natural, and it's not like I am trying to force a situation that has not already been discussed. I don't really work to manifest an outcome. I am more working to believe truth which is that he loves me, is a good man, and he wants me as his future. That is truth and there is no reason for me to need to detach from truth.
I read an article on the web about twin souls and this is what it said:
"The twin flame reunion process is one of the most challenging, compelling, and confusing experiences for both partners involved--and often for other people in their lives too. In our previous article “How Do I Know If I’ve Found My Twin Flame?” we discussed characteristics of a twin flame connection, as well as reasons why that type of relationship is significant to twin partners and to the planet as a whole. Unfortunately, once found, your twin flame partner can go through phases of appearing cryptic, distant, scary, unpredictable, or even out-of-sync from the person you know and remember him or her to be."
It's that end part there that is SO my experience! He turned totally cryptic! Creepy even. Distant and he scared the SHIT out of me! Totally out-of-synch from the person I knew him to be.
I am SO ready to be over this behavior that "seems" detrimental or hurtful. I am lucky that I see it for what it is but DAMN I am weary. I truly am weary my friends. I feel like I have been in battle. Honest to God. I feel like I have been in battle because I am constantly leaning towards forgetting the "real" Joron and believing this strange mirroring. I know I write about this a lot but it's, of course, to get it through my thick skull that he does not choose to torture me. So here is a question for anyone who might be reading my posts {and someone is because I am nearing 20,000 blog hits within the next day or two} why is it that SOOOOOO many runners just "shift" into someone else? I mean that is just not normal. "Normal" people do not do that. I know there are crazy people out there but it's totally not normal that all these people are becoming our "arch nemesis" once they pull away. I swear I think it is because they begin to mirror the "chaser." It just follows such a specific pattern. So many of us battle with the same fears: rejection, abandonment, lack of love. Same for me. I was scared Joron would decide I was not worthwhile and he'd leave me. I was afraid he'd choose his career over me. He fucking loves science sooooo much that I was terrified one day he'd up and leave me, and then he did. I wrote it all out in my journal, my fears, and then he left me. He wrote out all his love to me via email and I wrote back "but what if you decide your science is more important or I'm too much of a hassle because I have a child." TOTAL bullshit because he'd already MET my son and fell in love with him- it was all my fear and then, when the moment was prime, BAM he "ran" and everything shifted. And I swear it was all a reflection of ME. He may look like a fucking looney tune but it's only because he is a reflection of me, and again I think that is because *I* am the one expected to learn some lessons about my energy. I think this is why most psychics and twin soul gurus will tell us flat out "Do not worry about them. Worry about yourself." This is because if we only wonder what is wrong with them and never change ourselves then they are always going to remain the way they are because they mirror our fears, worries, doubts, etc. We have to heal all that while holding on to unconditional love for them. Having unconditional love for a person who feels like he is "hurting" you isn't easy. You have to try and remember, always, who they really are in order to get there. Only once you bring the real them back to you will they become that person again. And why do they shift in the first place? I think it's because we get suspicious based on our fears. I always wondered if he'd choose his science over me. I still had a tiny fear that he was too good to be true. And when he moved to CA I got resentful. I kept thinking "He's not making me a priority." Then I got all freaked out inside and jealous when he'd go for dinner or to watch a game. It was very hard being separated from him but had I known then what I know now I would have been a lot more careful with my energy. My Higher Self told me to love him there as if he was here and to trust him. I was always slightly suspicious of him because I only knew so much of his life. I always feared the worst. Fearing the worst in a twin soul union is not a good thing!!!
And there there is this from the article:
"Consciously and unconsciously, twin flame partners engage in behaviors that can seem counter-productive, detrimental, or hurtful-- but these activities are ultimately meant to serve them both, propel their soul missions, and help them assist other people in their world."
I am conscious to all of this so I don't send him anything hurtful. I know it is unconscious for him. God it is so hard to believe but all the facts surrounding the situation point to it being unconscious for him. I really do think he writes this stuff and doesn't remember it later. This is why I don't defend myself or shoot anything negative back at him. It would be worthless and detrimental to do so. Right now I send him nothing at all because I am not meant to. I'd be explaining this on Spiritual Forums and people would argue with me for not questioning him or "defending" myself but I know my Higher Self well enough that if I caved to all-out accusing him then I'd have that shit come back at me later and I so don't need that.
I guess an analogy could be he is like the nurse administering the shot. The shot hurts but it's for a beneficial purpose, even if it is scary and it hurts. Even if the sweet kind loving nurse has never "hurt" you before but now she's wrapping a stretchy white band around your arm and flicking you to find a good vein so she can stick you with a nice long needle. Me being mean to Joron for the mirroring would be like me punching the nurse in the face for giving me the shot.
Make sense?
Or... even better. Imagine a woman sitting in a booth with a one-sided mirror holding a remote with a button. She is told to press the button when a red light flashes. On the other side of a the booth is her lover, a closet alcoholic with a shot of whiskey in front of him. He can see her but she cannot see him. Whenever he reaches for the whiskey the red light flashes in her booth and he can see her press a button that shocks him but she has no idea what she's doing to him. It's unlike his sweet love to "hurt" him but he can see what's happening- the shock is helping to condition him to not want the whiskey.
That's Joron. Shocking my ass awake. But I'm so ready for the shocking to end and the loving to begin again.
I'm having a major ego attack over here. Like HUGE and worse than I've experienced in a long time. I miss my twin soul, and I know I am not supposed to "miss" him but... I do. He was in my life, played a huge loving role, and then *poof* was gone and still I am having a hard time coming to terms with this. I am a human with a super-soft heart. His no longer being in my life really does not feel good. I'm doing everything "wrong" and I am too open which leaves me open to being hit with the 3D opinion of others. This journey is SO hard to believe, OMG. Today I had a conversation where I was adamantly asked why I am not dating. I tried explaining, just a bit, and was told "Don't pine away for someone who does not want you."
I've come super close to doing something I've never done and that is GO OFF on my twin soul. My ego so badly wants to lash out at him and tell him I've been nearly suicidal and it's his fault for fucking with my head. That damn mirroring is shitty. I do not love it by any means. And this silence sucks even worse...
But back in June when I freaked out and had my internal weekend hate-fest rife with drinking, drinking during the day when my son was home, the mirroring slapped me awake and I have not been drinking since. That moment should have slapped my ass into 110% gear but I got scared. Ego can be strong. I was terrified of Joron after that, and honestly I guess I still am a bit so of course if I am scared of him this is going to be mirrored back to me through silence or whatever craziness comes through him at choice moments. It's all just an illusion. DUH, right? I wish it were quite that easy.
I had an appointment with my OBGYN today and it's the same group who was with me through my pregnancy and birth of my son. I had to hold back sobs while visiting with her. I would love another baby so much! I want to be a new mommy again; I am such a good mommy. I should do it again. It is the one thing I do perfectly in this life, being a mommy. My son means so much to me. He asked me to sit in the rocking chair and hold him like I used to when he was "a baby." I held him and cried. He's getting so big. Five years old. He's not a baby anymore; he's my little man and he'd make the most amazing big brother to either a little brother or sister! I can totally see him in my mind laying his proud little hand on a baby's head and being so loving and protective.
I am 41. I've had a really challenging life. Pretty much my entire life has been challenging, and I am so ready to have some peace, and to me "peace" includes having my heart's desire which is a sweet husband who really loves me and a loving family. I really do feel I deserve that, and I get upset when I read all this spiritual bullshit that says when someone like me wants something like that it means I'm "not complete" or looking to someone to "complete me." So not true. It just means I am made for LOVE. Real true close love. Love like I did not have in my childhood. Love like I did not have in my marriages. Love that I felt with my twin soul before he *poofed.* And man I'm so ready to have that back in all ways now.
I fell into victim thinking this morning, like "WTF? Why am I going through this? I did not ask for this crazy experience" but... it seems I'd better get a grip or else I'll be stuck here forever. And right here is not a place where I want to be stuck. I love my child and he is my priority but eventually he will be grown and gone and I... want my love. I want a happy life without having to force being happy.
For once in my life I'd like to just BE happy. Having love snatched away {whether I did it or not} sucks. It does not leave one very happy.
And don't give me that shit where this experience is to make us feel joyful no matter what. Try falling super hard in love with someone, totally bond with him, have a wonderful loving relationship, and then it just fades for no real reason, no ending, and you KNOW it can't possibly really be over. The entire thing feels like a dream and I can't help but hurting. I don't feel like this experience is to teach me how to be strong or overcome pain. I think it's more about holding on to belief and getting over fear. It's heart-wrenching whether I like it or not.
So I am in ego today. I don't want to be here. I have the flu and wish I was going home to climb into bed so Joron could bring me a cup of tea. Instead I'm going to an empty house because my son is with his dad. I like the little free time I get but I hate the empty house. Five minutes without my kid and I am jonesing for his return. And for the record- I would be happier with my own company if my fucking heart wasn't BROKEN. God dammit.
One aspect about all of this I've had huge issues accepting is I can't find anything wrong with Joron besides the mirroring. The mirroring SUCKS my ass okay? But I can clearly see how it is a reflection of my own energy, and it can only come from above. And no it's not easy to accept. It still haunts me when I'm trying my best to let it go. Beyond kicking my ass with the mirroring he's wonderful. So I could choose to react to my mirror by accusing him of being a monster but that would, I'm sure, make an already not fun situation only worse.
I can't stay here in this funk for long but hey I'm not perfect. Sometimes my sweetness and Light slows down a bit but I'll get it back. I can't be Suzy Sunshine all the time *and* I don't listen. I've been told what to avoid in order to keep my energy higher but I tend to not listen, and I really can't do that anymore cuz Spirit knows better than I do. Spirit knows I want to be a "helper" but Spirit also knows when the assholishness and fear of others is going to bring me down and now is a time when I can't afford to plummet. I've hit a small roadblock and I'm struggling a bit to get past it. This journey is not for the weak. Luckily I'm pretty strong :)
So I think I finally learned last night not to talk about this twin soul situation with much of anyone, especially not family no matter how well-meaning they are. I have a dear Aunt who has been following my progress on this journey. She is super intelligent as well as super opinionated. I love her dearly, and she is often a large source of support for me. In this twin soul thing though she has often been used to test me, and I know this. A while ago she did her own research on the concept and agreed that if what I'm saying is true then yes we have all the indications of being in this union.
I called her last night and I probably was not meant to. I should have used the energy to write after spending the evening with my son. She and I have been talking about my romantic future and I called to tell her that I'm getting to a point where I am okay being alone while I work through this. Another friend of mine, I'll call her LG, has a twin soul too. She was told by a psychic that the twin soul changed everything, and I feel this. That once you meet them the game changes. It would take the most perfect soul mate to replace Joron. Nothing less than awesome in all ways would do because my heart would not be in it if we did not have that strong cellular universal love and soul connection. I wanted to try and explain this to The Aunt to reassure her that I may be 41 and in my prime but I'm okay working on this and staying single. I don't want anyone else.
And she pushed Every. One. Of. My. Buttons. Every one. It started with telling me that I am "only human." My Higher Self tells me hogwash, that I'm far from only human and I am expected to be more. That I am more soul than human. So I tried to explain this, again. And she told me that it's okay to have fear and doubt. I tried to explain no, no not really it isn't okay when for someone like me my energy creates my existence immediately and my fear and doubt kills my dreams. THEN she said, and yes this upset me, "Even Christ had fear and doubt. Are you trying to tell me you think you are better than Christ?"
And it just got worse from there. It was like one frustrating blow after another until my energy was totally tanked and I told her I don't want to discuss this with her ever again, and if she calls me I don't even want her to ask me about it. When he's back and we are married- I'll let her know.
She loves me. A lot. She sends me little care packages and she's a dear. I adore her. I KNOW I am tested through her, have been throughout this entire journey. This is why Jesus said "Love your enemies" because sometimes those who can piss you off the most are actually being used from above to push your buttons and get a point across. Last night was "Less talking more writing."
I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I dream of a normal fucking life with a mommy, daddy and children. I deserve something so simple and real and loving. I have the flu and I'd like someone here besides my adorable little five year-old son to be able to say, "Don't worry baby- I'll take care of you." But no, as always it is me taking care of me. And no I am not perfect. I have my moments too, and I am tired of being apart from my love. Tired of all the "You can't want it or it won't come to you" so I try to let go of even thinking about being with him. I think of all the signs I've received, even from his own words, that we are meant to be married and I wonder how the fuck I'm supposed to not want that. "Sushi at our wedding?" and the very last words he spoke to me were to tell me that YES we have a future together... and then things energetically kinda shifted due to my fear.
And even now through the insane mirroring it's still emphasized this idea of "I want a future with you." So tell me, please, how I am supposed to detach from that? When just last month the message was, as crazy as it was, "I want to try and get you pregnant so I can spend the rest of my life with you." It's obvious The Divine is still ensuring I feel my own doubts and fears but mingled in with it is his Truth: I want to be with you forever. How am I supposed to think there is someone else out there for me when my heart is set on Joron? I AM human. I have a strong heart, and my heart is set on him.
Very hard to, in any way, let go of that when it's constantly being thrust in my face. I guess I am supposed to KNOW it's going to happen and then move forward in feeling that love again by writing my other blog, remembering him. This is why when people tell me to move on or that he's gone or maybe he got another girlfriend or that he was just preparation for the right one- I want to punch them because they don't know about all the conversations we've had throughout this separation that discussed a future together. How much he showed me that he wants me in his life.
I guess it's time to just say "fuck it" and block out everyone else. My aunt likes to ask me how I "extend myself" to others, like I do nothing for other people. And she's told me that "buying them groceries, paying their rent or inviting them to live with you don't count" like all the times I've helped my friends and family out by offering a place to live or helping them put food on their table or even helped one get back on her feet means nothing.
On a daily basis I am friendly and kind and always have a loving word for people. I write this blog in the hopes that it helps other people feel like they are not going crazy, I am not perfect but I AM trying to be the best mommy ever so my son can grow up to be a positive bright member of our society, so maybe he can help change our chaotic world. I do this while battling the desire to take the easy way out which would be whiskey+pills=not having to deal with this "quest" any longer. I can't do that- GOD is so smart. God ensured I have a child to take care of so I am forced to stay here on earth even on the days where I beg to just be done with it now. Do you know how difficult it is to be a wonderful single mother while going through an insane twin soul separation? Give me a fucking break already. Extending myself to others. I'm a working single mom going through all of this. She has a wonderful husband who worked while she was able to stay home and raise her children in a beautiful home in a lovely strong neighborhood. She had support. I basically do it alone, of course with God's help and I have friends and stuff for which I am thankful. But it is different being a working single mom. There is not much left to me to extend to others after I get my basic day done, and then I have a CHILD to attend to. A sweet adorable loving child who is my rock, BTW. God does know what's up.
I just need to take care of MYSELF right now. ME and my child. No others. I don't need to extend myself to other people. Let them figure their shit out like I've had to figure out my own... and believe me I really do make a conscious effort always to be there for others with a smile or kind word or hug or a listening ear. That's just me.
Yesterday my son opened day 11 of his advent calendar and he always tries to get me to guess what shape the chocolate is. A doggy? A candle? A snowman? He says to me as a hint, "It flies through the sky mommy and it's what is inside you."
It was an angel. *sniff* He said it was what was inside me. An angel.
Sorry for this very "ventful" blog post. I absolutely was shown to pull my energy in and seclude even a bit more. I've been tested through this aunt before so it's not a surprise. No discussing this with anyone besides those who "get me." I get it. I get it. It is time to protect my energy for real. I'm also being tested to own my truth, and my truth is Joron is my future. Plain and simple. There is no one else out there for me. I just can't even imagine it. It's been too magical between us for me to think otherwise.
This shit ain't easy. And I don't want any other love besides Joron. That is my choice,
And damn it, I don't have to save the world. I just need to save myself.
Okay so I know this idea I'm throwing out here won't settle well with many people but I am okay with that. I don't think these twin soul/twin flame/twin divine insanity situations are the same for everyone but I do see a pattern. I've been going through this for 16 months now. I've done tons of reading, writing, working with Spirit and talking with people all over to where I notice... things.
I made a friend from a forum online. She followed a post I'd written {back when I could post there} about using intention to push along reuniting with a twin soul. She'd met her twin almost twenty years earlier, a very brief but powerful encounter. Then over the next so many years she'd see him in the strangest places. Then it turns out he moved to the same town as her. Then a while ago she ended up at the same hangout and they said hello after a very long time.
After that meeting she was reignited with the fact that this dude is her twin soul and she didn't know what to do about it. They did not exchange numbers or anything so she had no idea how to reach him. She knew nothing about him, not his place of employment or anything. If she was to see him again it would be left up to Fate.
Well my Higher Self has been talking to me about INTENTION for a long time. So I posted online about what my guidance had told me. She read it and decided to take the plunge and believe in what seemed unbelievable. She wrote down in her journal that she would see him. That was her intention, her call out to the universe, that she would see him sometime soon.
Well that day she was stuck in traffic and looked up to see his car facing hers in traffic. She quite literally "saw" him. Feeling I'm sure a bit shaken by that possible "coincidence" she tried again but this time she was more specific. She said she'd talk to him and she did. And then they ended up on a lovely little date where they talked and he finished her sentences and said kind but "odd" stuff that is typical of twin souls. It felt sweet but at times surreal. From that point it's been a slow process of believing and using her energy to make this happen. She notices that doubt and fear slows the process. But when she feels good and positive things flow smoothly, and it's very much all energetic. She also clearly sees how something outside herself or him {Higher Self} slows down their electronic communication, like texts will lag or get lost. And it seems to be a "test" of sorts that mimics any doubtful or fearful energy she might feel.
He is absolutely 100% her mirror. It's like he is taking his steps based on her feelings, thoughts, energy, etc. So I ask you- where does "free will" come into play here if he quite obviously is following her energetic lead? He looks at her longingly while passing her work {deliberately going out of his way to see her} but won't respond to a text... and I think it is because any reservations she feels about being rejected, holding her feeling back, protecting herself, keeps him away from her. It's like a wall of sorts, and it is all Spirit-created based on HER energy. He looks at her like "Oh my GOD I want you!" yet it's like he can't come any closer. Why? Where is that prickly "free will" we all love to talk about?
If it was PURELY left up to his "free will" then he'd be at her house, tonight, snogging her face off ;) But no. I attest that his free will is quieted, put to the side, and he is orchestrated through Higher Self to follow her energetic lead. And I think this is because SHE is the one "in the know." It is HER lesson to believe and trust and intend and manifest and control her fears. He... is like the catalyst {and major Love!} used to show her clearly how her energy affects her world.
He is already her love, her husband, her future... but she has to make it happen. And she will, for sure. She's won half the battle- they are in steady communication and growing closer. But she has believed and faced down her doubts over and over again. She's making it happen. It's what Spirit is making us journey through. It just IS what it is. If we fear it or run from it or believe it is all them them them then we won't get there.
So I have a thought. I see the same thing in my situation. This man wants to be with me. He is meant to be with me. But our dance is controlled by ME. It has been since the beginning. It's like he was meant to fall in love with me; he IS my love. But I can only have it if I believe in it. It's like he is used as the catalyst to finally own my power. As I said- I know many out there will tell me I am crazy and it does not work this way and it's a "mutual" healing but hear me out. WE are the aware ones, right? We are meant to be because we are "shown!" We are the ones Spirit has been CONSCIOUSLY speaking to. My guidance has told me for years that I am a powerful manifestor and has guided me to be very aware, the beware, my powerful energy. But I would not listen. I refused to claim my power and what happened? I met my twin soul and we ended up in separation.
For my twin soul it is unconscious. He has no idea he is psychic. I have no idea what he thinks right about now, if anything. Sometimes I wonder if he does shit and then doesn't remember at all; seems like it from our past conversations. He is an Atheist for Pete's Sake! He doesn't even "believe" in any of this- he has no idea he hears Spirit... but I know he does. I watched him channel while sitting next to me on my couch. He is a strong psychic which is a hilarious irony. I firmly believe my twin soul puts his free will to the side and listens solely to our Higher Self. If we do not share a Higher Self then he listens to his soul which works closely with my own to create change. But I've never seen this as his lesson. It's never felt that way. He showed me that he was sweet, loving and kind. Very whole. Very balanced and strong and... just an all around good man. Ready for love. He is exactly what I asked for! A man ready for love, whole and healed and clear of any fuckupedness. But then I freaked out inside and he "shifted" because he was supposed to. And it clearly was a reflection of MY energy, Like HE is being "used" to force me to "own it" once and for all. And man when I do not own it, when I doubt and fear, it's not pretty. He has shown me my every fear. He has been used as an instrument of God to help heal me and make me see but again it's always seemed that he is here for me. That his "role" is to show me. Which means it is not mutual healing. He does not need to figure anything out or have a "Come to God" session {being an Atheist} or realize he is my twin soul or go get baptized or suddenly have this strong urge to follow a spiritual mission or heal a bunch of skeletons in his closet.
NO. FUCK NO. My twin soul already told me he wants to get into politics; he wants to at least get on a school board because HE knows truth. And truth is not all this religious fear-based bullshit that our educational system is trying to sneak through the cracks. He's already got it in a totally secular, non-"spiritual" based existence. He does NOT need to heal or change or have some "mission" that is going to "change the world" based on something spiritual or God-related or concerning an "Awakening." He already lives that by being a totally good human being who supports the causes he's majorly passionate about. He is such a strong Humanitarian and it's awesome.
Tell me what the fuck exactly does he need to heal? He wants to be married. He loves hard. He believes in himself 110%. He's good to himself. He loves himself. He's totally confident. He's faithful and kind and good. UGH. He is my twin soul yet he does not fit this idea of "We heal them."
Jenna Forrest's guidance says when we heal it passes over to them and attracts them back to us. What if it does not have to do with healing THEM though? What if the more screwed up we are inside emotionally the more they mirror that by seeming mean, crazy, unbalanced, etc.? And the more we heal, process, have faith and belief, and find that calmness and TRUST inside then they, as our strongest mirror, begins to shift based on us?
I know- people won't like this because it takes all the load off them {our twins} and puts it on us. I know every teaching out there says it's mutual healing, yin and yang, masculine and feminine and balance and yada yada yada but that does not explain my journey or my friend's journey or another one of my friend's journey with her twin soul. We "feel" a certain way, or make an intention, or do something energetic, or feel a strong trusting and love, and BAM they respond. That is more than mutual healing. That is them responding to OUR energy, and that can't be explained away as "runner and chaser." I think it's much more than that runner/chaser dynamic we all know about. If I was less aware, and if my Higher Self had not shown me over and over and over, and told me over and over and over, then I'd think my twin soul was an absolute cruel freak show. I'd run from him and HIDE. But I see how he's been used to show me all my fear, doubts and hang ups. And it's been a really hard, intense yet quick ride for me. Time does not seem normal in this union. We knew each other seven weeks face to face and it felt like at least seven months. He said it felt like seven years. He loved me and loves me HUGELY, and love like that does not just come to a screeching halt for no reason, with no closure. Uh-uh. It's totally mirroring and it's always been based on my energy. Not his.
So again- what I SEE shows me that at least in some cases the twin who is more "spiritual" and aware is the twin who runs the show. Free will no longer exists the way we think it does, the way we want to fight and scream to believe it does. And don't think your Higher Self, or my Higher Self, or any of the teachings out there are going to come right out and say this. No. We have to simply listen, believe and do the work. Then it all falls into place. Higher Self is tricky. It will only lead us the way we need to be lead, and often this can be in circles until we, out of pure exhaustion, surrender.
I feel, especially in my union, he is used to show me my energy. To force me to know that energy and use it appropriately. I was only told for years to do it on my own but I just couldn't. I had to meet him to actually SEE it. He's out there waiting for me, already mine, but I have to believe it, have to heal, have to own it, have to manifest properly and TRUST him in order to make it happen. But that is on me. It has little to do with him. I can tell from when we've reconnected that he is DYING inside to be with me. He aches for me and is kept from me and I know that it does not feel good for him. Something keeps him locked up inside and it's NOT his free will or intention. It is Higher Self "forcing" him to teach me how to use my "magic." I do believe this is done by Higher Self making him feel some unknown sense of fear when it comes to me. He feels my fear and it keeps him quiet. *deep sigh* He's actually confirmed this for me on the phone. I KNOW it. I felt MAJOR fear back in April and at that time he was feeling super anxious about me to the point where he got sick, and NO I was not the one feeling his fear. It came from me. I know it did. And he confirmed this by telling me that I make him anxious. The kicker is it had nothing to do with my words to him. I was fine in how I behaved to him but I had tons of fear inside that I tried to hide. Spirit ensured he felt it though, and Spirit was letting me know, from the horse's mouth, that when I fall into fear he WILL feel it no matter what, and it will keep him quiet.
Whether I like it or not.
Whether I beg and plead and chase and tell him I'm hurting or how stressful it is as a single mom not to hear from him when we've made solid plans... nothing, just NOTHING, can release him when he's under the will of Higher Self. And honestly can you imagine what it must feel like for him to open his email, read a gentle loving message from me asking him, from my heart, to please respond and he can't? It must feel like HELL for him.
One thing I also want to clarify is I think for sure we are matched with our energetic likeness. I may have issues with fearing my own loveability but I AM loving and pure and kind and loving. I could have a little issue with anger and resentment though and he showed me I had to clear that up, Boy Howdy did he. When I get angry inside he shows me that in his words and it's enough to get a girl to temper her internal shit pretty quickly. That said, I was not in a crash and burn place when I met him, and I also think he reflects this for me. So he may reflect to me my fear of "He does not love me!" BUT he also has a kind loving nature and is pretty stable. Well so am I. I was well on my way to healing when we met. I just needed him to show me a few things. So overall we are a perfect match, and we are doing good. Healed, stable, healthy, etc. But had we met when I was worse off, more angry, more unstable, more unwilling to stop my vices, sleeping around and further abusing my energy then I fully believe HE would seem even more unstable too. He'd be mirroring me at whatever level of healing I am at. For now there is quiet but at least there is no "harsh" words, no strong mirroring of any internal shit on my end, and that is a good thing. It means progress.
My kind loving twin soul is out there just waiting for me. All I have to do is get there energetically, and then we will reconnect. I just know it, and all our love is going to explode again and it will be GRAND.
Maybe this will touch just one person. I hope so.
I love my dear twin soul who is holding back for me. Who feels fear in order to stay silent. I really look forward to the day where I can hug him again and celebrate our love together, wrapped up in each others embrace.
I am beginning to honestly feel that "Every little thing she does is magic" is for real. I feel it and he becomes it. Why? Because HE is my twin soul, and it's what he does for me. It's a very specific, special relationship that can only happen for twin souls. No one else on earth could play this role for me, only my chosen on, my Joron. And I do love him for it.
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she does just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way
But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone?
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
Well I must admit something. My Higher Self won't talk to me right now. Rarely does this happen. I've been spoiled with my connection to Spirit. I pick up my pendulum and BAM the guidance comes through immediately. But suddenly nothing is happening, and I mean nothing. My pendulum is still. It comes to a screeching halt and almost quivers like "I'm not moving!" And I think it's for a few reasons. One is because I already know what to do. Even if I am scared and resistant and question everything I'm told... I know what to do. I've been told a million times over to "feel his love" and "write about the kisses" and "defend the love." I know. Second reason is probably because I am not listening. So to really put myself out there I'll tell you how stubborn I can be. and this is not to... make light of the situation. No. I want to reunite with my twin soul but obviously fear is still an issue with me. Also I honestly do respect my Higher Self even if at times I can behave like a tantruming five year-old.
A few months ago I called a twin flame psychic, and she's good. Immediately upon answering the phone she said she remembered talking to me from before. The she totally stopped in her tracks and told me she could not read for me because my Higher Self would not allow it. She told me the only energy that could guide me was my Higher Self and she told me to follow the guidance! Since then, and don't think I'm stupid, I've talked with three other twin soul guides. So I pretty much deliberately disregarded the advice of my Higher Self that was being directly channeled through this amazing psychic, Scottish Miss Carol {she is on Keen.} Duh, right? Why guide me if I am not going to listen? Even I get annoyed with my resistance.
I've been told to write write write about the love and avoid giving energy to who he appears to be when he mirrors me. Yet I obsess over the mirroring {UGH Michael Buble's "Home" is playing now... and this song SO feels like he is telling me "I want to come home so badly to see you... I feel alone without you. I miss you, you know."} When I obsess over the mirroring I KNOW I do something that tells him "I believe you are an asshole. I do not trust in the man you showed me to my face." And when I believe that- I am given that. And it sucks. Bad. But have I really listened and given it a good effort. No. I have not. In this song he says, "I feel like I am living someone else'e life." I know he wants to be with me. I must listen!
I have not been grateful for shit lately. I've been negative and crappy inside. Listening to fear. Ignoring Higher Self. And I must stop that. I will never reunite if I continue to be a prick inside. I TRY, believe me, but I'm not being consistent. And consistency is a must, Only when I reach a feeling of total unconditional love will this ever smooth out. Resentment, jealousy and fear have no place in a twin soul connection.
I can see why my Higher Self is giving me what can maybe be seen as a dose of tough love, silence. My twin soul is silent and now so is Higher Self. I guess this means I'd better buck up, step up to the plate and really listen to my guidance, follow my heart. The more I doubt the more I will get hit with doubt. And I'll never hear from him if I keep this up. It's like I KNOW it yet I still do it, and I want to stop that now.
So wish me luck. I am not stubborn on purpose. It is that wall that Higher Self told me about before I walked out the door to meet Joron for the first time. "Walls will fall and hearts will melt."
Gotta get those walls down...
As an aside, I have an old friend, a German pen pal from my youth. We had such an amazing friendship via USPS. I love her dearly even though over the years we've lost touch. She sent me a piece of the Berlin wall. I still have it to this day.
Yes. This. Following heart over mind in these twin soul connections is SO important. Not that there is nothing to be said for our brains. Of course. But that spinning ego-mind that is always whispering nonsense, dragging down dreams, squelching hope, banishing all 5D communication from above as "imagination" or" coincidence," and overall just being a total ASSHAT needs to be quieted.
Once and for all.
I am battling with this big time. *ding ding ding* "Here in one corner we have Rose's heart... and here in the other corner is her arch nemesis, her MIND and they have come together to duke it out until the end!" Dudes, my mind is kicking the shit out me lately. Totally kicking my ass.
A dear friend of mine posted something from Joel Osteen on my FB page the other day. Now I like Joel but he's got a totally Christian perspective and much of that no longer resonates with me. This was what she posted: "Sometimes God will ask you to release the thing you want the most.
That’s a test. If you’ll pass that test, at some point, He’ll either
give back what you want or He’ll bring something better in your life." I will assume she is trying to be helpful in telling me that maybe God is asking me to give up Joron now. It would definitely seem that way from an outsider's perspective. She is one of my oldest bestest friends and I know she wants me happily dating some fine man who adores and respects me because she has witnessed the rise and demise of both my marriages and the pain involved with both. She just wants me happy now and this twin soul union is NOT making me happy.
It's cutting my heart out because I miss Joron. I miss him badly. Yet I still have energies and issues I am dealing with through all of this. But back to Joel's message. First of all I got scared when I read it. It gave me fear. Does God want me to let go now? Move on? Let Joron go? Meet someone new? Give up my hope of reunion?
But no. I just don't get that from everything I've been experiencing, especially not when back in October he emailed me and told me "If I get you pregnant then I'll stop this nonsense and be yours forever. I want that." Yeah the message was mirroring and it was crazy but there is always truth hidden in the crazy, and that is his TRUTH. Joron wants to be with me. I can't allow stuff like the Christian idea of God testing us to make me feel like I am supposed to walk away when my soul has asked me to defend the love and "feel him again." God would not ask me to "feel him" but to also let him go.
I do not believe God tests us like that. God does not bring a woman her Knight in Shining Armor, allow them to fall deeply in love, and then snatch the Knight away to leave the woman in despair simply as a "test" of faith. And if she passed, releases that which she's totally fallen head over heels in love with, then God will bring him back. No. Just no. God does not work like that, not in my world.
Now if there was no mirroring, no contact, no reason for the craptacular communication then yes, I would walk away. What I mean is if I could not see a clear association between my erratic, mean, stubborn, not-listening, fearful energy and HIS words written to me then I'd walk. Now. But when it is so clearly seen as mirroring which means he reflects me- it's hard to run off! Under all that mirroring is a really great loving guy who I feel wants to marry me. "Letting go" isn't easy in these cases.
What I do see is the energetic soul-based dance and how we are being asked to let go of fear, and let go of trying to force change in the 3D. Like emailing Joron does no good. He will ignore me until I am blue in the face, quite literally. Higher Self is like "No way... no amount of manipulation is going to make this happen for you." Luckily by this point I pretty much understand so I'm not losing my mind completely BUT it still hurts because I miss him.
And then my brain kicks in. And ego flares. And I get mad. That anger blocks me being able to feel him with love, and I am battling with this right now. I feel immobilized. I get mad at him, and yes I know it is irrational. And that builds a wall around my heart. My mind then won't allow me to "feel" him or bring him to mind and I get stuck. And he stays silent. And I get more mad. And he stays more silent.
And it's a vicious circle, one I guess I can only get out of if I allow myself to write about him, and us, our truth and our love, and hope that I shift things around enough to hear from him again. I'm sorry Dear Readers of My Blog, the man was a very active real part of my life. I will never be "just" content knowing he is my twin soul. I want reunion. I want him back in my life. I love him. This resentment though, I gotta find a way to overcome it. It's stupid, I know. I feel like he does not care about me due to the silence and that untruth, that fear, is given back to me via the silence. I get angry when I feel like I am not loved, like I'm out in the cold in this, and then his cold words come through. Right now is silence, and I really dislike not being in communication with my love.
So again, the mind is an asshole. It can take over and ruin the place. I am working hard to get through this, to quiet my mind so ego does not get totally out of control. Letting go isn't an option for me so plugging on is. Alone doesn't feel awesome. Luckily I have my little guy who keeps me company! But one day I want us together as a family, me, Joron and my son plus whatever babies come later.
I want that. I must follow my heart. I feel I am being asked to TRUST in his love and defend it, like... "How deep is your love Rose, for real?" Once during this separation he wrote to me and said, "I know I love you more than you love me." Maybe if I am not diving in, knocking down this wall, shaking any and all bits of resentment to COMPLETELY know my darling loving twin soul then it feels like I really don't love him as much as I claim I do. Make sense? I never understood that comment- "I know I love you more than you love me."
Heart over head. I heard this song the other day and it spoke to me. Am I crazy? These lyrics screamed out to me "Okay come on... believe in me and prove it." *I* wander far from him. He left but it's me. My energy. Me. These lyrics... "I believe in you. You know the door to my very soul. And you may not think that I care for you when you know down inside that I really do..."
How deep is your love Rose?
I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love
How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love
