Ugh!

So I think I finally learned last night not to talk about this twin soul situation with much of anyone, especially not family no matter how well-meaning they are.  I have a dear Aunt who has been following my progress on this journey.  She is super intelligent as well as super opinionated.  I love her dearly, and she is often a large source of support for me.  In this twin soul thing though she has often been used to test me, and I know this.  A while ago she did her own research on the concept and agreed that if what I'm saying is true then yes we have all the indications of being in this union.

I called her last night and I probably was not meant to.  I should have used the energy to write after spending the evening with my son.  She and I have been talking about my romantic future and I called to tell her that I'm getting to a point where I am okay being alone while I work through this.  Another friend of mine, I'll call her LG, has a twin soul too.  She was told by a psychic that the twin soul changed everything, and I feel this.  That once you meet them the game changes.  It would take the most perfect soul mate to replace Joron.  Nothing less than awesome in all ways would do because my heart would not be in it if we did not have that strong cellular universal love and soul connection.  I wanted to try and explain this to The Aunt to reassure her that I may be 41 and in my prime but I'm okay working on this and staying single.  I don't want anyone else.

And she pushed Every. One. Of. My. Buttons.  Every one.  It started with telling me that I am "only human."  My Higher Self tells me hogwash, that I'm far from only human and I am expected to be more.  That I am more soul than human.  So I tried to explain this, again.  And she told me that it's okay to have fear and doubt.  I tried to explain no, no not really it isn't okay when for someone like me my energy creates my existence immediately and my fear and doubt kills my dreams.  THEN she said, and yes this upset me, "Even Christ had fear and doubt.  Are you trying to tell me you think you are better than Christ?"

And it just got worse from there.  It was like one frustrating blow after another until my energy was totally tanked and I told her I don't want to discuss this with her ever again, and if she calls me I don't even want her to ask me about it.  When he's back and we are married- I'll let her know.

She loves me.  A lot.  She sends me little care packages and she's a dear.  I adore her.  I KNOW I am tested through her, have been throughout this entire journey.  This is why Jesus said "Love your enemies" because sometimes those who can piss you off the most are actually being used from above to push your buttons and get a point across.  Last night was "Less talking more writing."

I'm frustrated.  I'm tired.  I dream of a normal fucking life with a mommy, daddy and children.  I deserve something so simple and real and loving.  I have the flu and I'd like someone here besides my adorable little five year-old son to be able to say, "Don't worry baby- I'll take care of you."  But no, as always it is me taking care of me.  And no I am not perfect.  I have my moments too, and I am tired of being apart from my love.  Tired of all the "You can't want it or it won't come to you" so I try to let go of even thinking about being with him.  I think of all the signs I've received, even from his own words, that we are meant to be married and I wonder how the fuck I'm supposed to not want that.  "Sushi at our wedding?" and the very last words he spoke to me were to tell me that YES we have a future together... and then things energetically kinda shifted due to my fear.

And even now through the insane mirroring it's still emphasized this idea of "I want a future with you."  So tell me, please, how I am supposed to detach from that?  When just last month the message was, as crazy as it was, "I want to try and get you pregnant so I can spend the rest of my life with you."  It's obvious The Divine is still ensuring I feel my own doubts and fears but mingled in with it is his Truth:  I want to be with you forever.  How am I supposed to think there is someone else out there for me when my heart is set on Joron?  I AM human.  I have a strong heart, and my heart is set on him.

Very hard to, in any way, let go of that when it's constantly being thrust in my face.  I guess I am supposed to KNOW it's going to happen and then move forward in feeling that love again by writing my other blog, remembering him.  This is why when people tell me to move on or that he's gone or maybe he got another girlfriend or that he was just preparation for the right one- I want to punch them because they don't know about all the conversations we've had throughout this separation that discussed a future together.  How much he showed me that he wants me in his life.

I guess it's time to just say "fuck it" and block out everyone else.  My aunt likes to ask me how I "extend myself" to others, like I do nothing for other people.  And she's told me that "buying them groceries, paying their rent or inviting them to live with you don't count" like all the times I've helped my friends and family out by offering a place to live or helping them put food on their table or even helped one get back on her feet means nothing.

On a daily basis I am friendly and kind and always have a loving word for people.  I write this blog in the hopes that it helps other people feel like they are not going crazy,  I am not perfect but I AM trying to be the best mommy ever so my son can grow up to be a positive bright member of our society, so maybe he can help change our chaotic world.  I do this while battling the desire to take the easy way out which would be whiskey+pills=not having to deal with this "quest" any longer.  I can't do that- GOD is so smart.  God ensured I have a child to take care of so I am forced to stay here on earth even on the days where I beg to just be done with it now.  Do you know how difficult it is to be a wonderful single mother while going through an insane twin soul separation?  Give me a fucking break already.  Extending myself to others.  I'm a working single mom going through all of this.  She has a wonderful husband who worked while she was able to stay home and raise her children in a beautiful home in a lovely strong neighborhood.  She had support.  I basically do it alone, of course with God's help and I have friends and stuff for which I am thankful. But it is different being a working single mom.  There is not much left to me to extend to others after I get my basic day done, and then I have a CHILD to attend to.  A sweet adorable loving child who is my rock, BTW.  God does know what's up.

I just need to take care of MYSELF right now.  ME and my child.  No others.  I don't need to extend myself to other people.  Let them figure their shit out like I've had to figure out my own... and believe me I really do make a conscious effort always to be there for others with a smile or kind word or hug or a listening ear.  That's just me.

Yesterday my son opened day 11 of his advent calendar and he always tries to get me to guess what shape the chocolate is.  A doggy?  A candle?  A snowman?  He says to me as a hint, "It flies through the sky mommy and it's what is inside you."

It was an angel.  *sniff*  He said it was what was inside me.  An angel.

Sorry for this very "ventful" blog post.  I absolutely was shown to pull my energy in and seclude even a bit more.  I've been tested through this aunt before so it's not a surprise.  No discussing this with anyone besides those who "get me."  I get it.  I get it. It is time to protect my energy for real.  I'm also being tested to own my truth, and my truth is Joron is my future.  Plain and simple.  There is no one else out there for me.  I just can't even imagine it. It's been too magical between us for me to think otherwise.

This shit ain't easy.  And I don't want any other love besides Joron.  That is my choice,

And damn it, I don't have to save the world.  I just need to save myself.