!!!~~EGO Attack~~!!!

I'm having a major ego attack over here.  Like HUGE and worse than I've experienced in a long time. I miss my twin soul, and I know I am not supposed to "miss" him but... I do.  He was in my life, played a huge loving role, and then *poof* was gone and still I am having a hard time coming to terms with this.  I am a human with a super-soft heart.  His no longer being in my life really does not feel good.  I'm doing everything "wrong" and I am too open which leaves me open to being hit with the 3D opinion of others.  This journey is SO hard to believe, OMG.  Today I had a conversation where I was adamantly asked why I am not dating.  I tried explaining, just a bit, and was told "Don't pine away for someone who does not want you."

I've come super close to doing something I've never done and that is GO OFF on my twin soul.  My ego so badly wants to lash out at him and tell him I've been nearly suicidal and it's his fault for fucking with my head.  That damn mirroring is shitty.  I do not love it by any means.  And this silence sucks even worse...

But back in June when I freaked out and had my internal weekend hate-fest rife with drinking, drinking during the day when my son was home, the mirroring slapped me awake and I have not been drinking since.  That moment should have slapped my ass into 110% gear but I got scared.  Ego can be strong.  I was terrified of Joron after that, and honestly I guess I still am a bit so of course if I am scared of him this is going to be mirrored back to me through silence or whatever craziness comes through him at choice moments.  It's all just an illusion.  DUH, right?  I wish it were quite that easy.

I had an appointment with my OBGYN today and it's the same group who was with me through my pregnancy and birth of my son. I had to hold back sobs while visiting with her.  I would love another baby so much!  I want to be a new mommy again; I am such a good mommy.  I should do it again.  It is the one thing I do perfectly in this life, being a mommy.  My son means so much to me.  He asked me to sit in the rocking chair and hold him like I used to when he was "a baby."  I held him and cried. He's getting so big.  Five years old.  He's not a baby anymore; he's my little man and he'd make the most amazing big brother to either a little brother or sister!  I can totally see him in my mind laying his proud little hand on a baby's head and being so loving and protective.

I am 41.  I've had a really challenging life.  Pretty much my entire life has been challenging, and I am so ready to have some peace, and to me "peace" includes having my heart's desire which is a sweet husband who really loves me and a loving family.  I really do feel I deserve that, and I get upset when I read all this spiritual bullshit that says when someone like me wants something like that it means I'm "not complete" or looking to someone to "complete me."  So not true.  It just means I am made for LOVE.  Real true close love.  Love like I did not have in my childhood.  Love like I did not have in my marriages.  Love that I felt with my twin soul before he *poofed.*  And man I'm so ready to have that back in all ways now.

I fell into victim thinking this morning, like "WTF?  Why am I going through this?  I did not ask for this crazy experience" but... it seems I'd better get a grip or else I'll be stuck here forever.  And right here is not a place where I want to be stuck.  I love my child and he is my priority but eventually he will be grown and gone and I... want my love.  I want a happy life without having to force being happy.

For once in my life I'd like to just BE happy.  Having love snatched away {whether I did it or not} sucks.  It does not leave one very happy.

And don't give me that shit where this experience is to make us feel joyful no matter what.  Try falling super hard in love with someone, totally bond with him, have a wonderful loving relationship, and then it just fades for no real reason, no ending, and you KNOW it can't possibly really be over. The entire thing feels like a dream and I can't help but hurting.  I don't feel like this experience is to teach me how to be strong or overcome pain.  I think it's more about holding on to belief and getting over fear.  It's heart-wrenching whether I like it or not.

So I am in ego today.  I don't want to be here.  I have the flu and wish I was going home to climb into bed so Joron could bring me a cup of tea.  Instead I'm going to an empty house because my son is with his dad.  I like the little free time I get but I hate the empty house.  Five minutes without my kid and I am jonesing for his return.  And for the record- I would be happier with my own company if my fucking heart wasn't BROKEN.  God dammit.

One aspect about all of this I've had huge issues accepting is I can't find anything wrong with Joron besides the mirroring.  The mirroring SUCKS my ass okay?  But I can clearly see how it is a reflection of my own energy, and it can only come from above.  And no it's not easy to accept.  It still haunts me when I'm trying my best to let it go.  Beyond kicking my ass with the mirroring he's wonderful.  So I could choose to react to my mirror by accusing him of being a monster but that would, I'm sure, make an already not fun situation only worse.

I can't stay here in this funk for long but hey I'm not perfect.  Sometimes my sweetness and Light slows down a bit but I'll get it back.  I can't be Suzy Sunshine all the time *and* I don't listen.  I've been told what to avoid in order to keep my energy higher but I tend to not listen, and I really can't do that anymore cuz Spirit knows better than I do.  Spirit knows I want to be a "helper" but Spirit also knows when the assholishness and fear of others is going to bring me down and now is a time when I can't afford to plummet.   I've hit a small roadblock and I'm struggling a bit to get past it. This journey is not for the weak.  Luckily I'm pretty strong :)

Hugs to all.