Once and for all.
I am battling with this big time. *ding ding ding* "Here in one corner we have Rose's heart... and here in the other corner is her arch nemesis, her MIND and they have come together to duke it out until the end!" Dudes, my mind is kicking the shit out me lately. Totally kicking my ass.
A dear friend of mine posted something from Joel Osteen on my FB page the other day. Now I like Joel but he's got a totally Christian perspective and much of that no longer resonates with me. This was what she posted: "Sometimes God will ask you to release the thing you want the most. That’s a test. If you’ll pass that test, at some point, He’ll either give back what you want or He’ll bring something better in your life." I will assume she is trying to be helpful in telling me that maybe God is asking me to give up Joron now. It would definitely seem that way from an outsider's perspective. She is one of my oldest bestest friends and I know she wants me happily dating some fine man who adores and respects me because she has witnessed the rise and demise of both my marriages and the pain involved with both. She just wants me happy now and this twin soul union is NOT making me happy.
It's cutting my heart out because I miss Joron. I miss him badly. Yet I still have energies and issues I am dealing with through all of this. But back to Joel's message. First of all I got scared when I read it. It gave me fear. Does God want me to let go now? Move on? Let Joron go? Meet someone new? Give up my hope of reunion?
But no. I just don't get that from everything I've been experiencing, especially not when back in October he emailed me and told me "If I get you pregnant then I'll stop this nonsense and be yours forever. I want that." Yeah the message was mirroring and it was crazy but there is always truth hidden in the crazy, and that is his TRUTH. Joron wants to be with me. I can't allow stuff like the Christian idea of God testing us to make me feel like I am supposed to walk away when my soul has asked me to defend the love and "feel him again." God would not ask me to "feel him" but to also let him go.
I do not believe God tests us like that. God does not bring a woman her Knight in Shining Armor, allow them to fall deeply in love, and then snatch the Knight away to leave the woman in despair simply as a "test" of faith. And if she passed, releases that which she's totally fallen head over heels in love with, then God will bring him back. No. Just no. God does not work like that, not in my world.
Now if there was no mirroring, no contact, no reason for the craptacular communication then yes, I would walk away. What I mean is if I could not see a clear association between my erratic, mean, stubborn, not-listening, fearful energy and HIS words written to me then I'd walk. Now. But when it is so clearly seen as mirroring which means he reflects me- it's hard to run off! Under all that mirroring is a really great loving guy who I feel wants to marry me. "Letting go" isn't easy in these cases.
What I do see is the energetic soul-based dance and how we are being asked to let go of fear, and let go of trying to force change in the 3D. Like emailing Joron does no good. He will ignore me until I am blue in the face, quite literally. Higher Self is like "No way... no amount of manipulation is going to make this happen for you." Luckily by this point I pretty much understand so I'm not losing my mind completely BUT it still hurts because I miss him.
And then my brain kicks in. And ego flares. And I get mad. That anger blocks me being able to feel him with love, and I am battling with this right now. I feel immobilized. I get mad at him, and yes I know it is irrational. And that builds a wall around my heart. My mind then won't allow me to "feel" him or bring him to mind and I get stuck. And he stays silent. And I get more mad. And he stays more silent.
And it's a vicious circle, one I guess I can only get out of if I allow myself to write about him, and us, our truth and our love, and hope that I shift things around enough to hear from him again. I'm sorry Dear Readers of My Blog, the man was a very active real part of my life. I will never be "just" content knowing he is my twin soul. I want reunion. I want him back in my life. I love him. This resentment though, I gotta find a way to overcome it. It's stupid, I know. I feel like he does not care about me due to the silence and that untruth, that fear, is given back to me via the silence. I get angry when I feel like I am not loved, like I'm out in the cold in this, and then his cold words come through. Right now is silence, and I really dislike not being in communication with my love.
So again, the mind is an asshole. It can take over and ruin the place. I am working hard to get through this, to quiet my mind so ego does not get totally out of control. Letting go isn't an option for me so plugging on is. Alone doesn't feel awesome. Luckily I have my little guy who keeps me company! But one day I want us together as a family, me, Joron and my son plus whatever babies come later.
I want that. I must follow my heart. I feel I am being asked to TRUST in his love and defend it, like... "How deep is your love Rose, for real?" Once during this separation he wrote to me and said, "I know I love you more than you love me." Maybe if I am not diving in, knocking down this wall, shaking any and all bits of resentment to COMPLETELY know my darling loving twin soul then it feels like I really don't love him as much as I claim I do. Make sense? I never understood that comment- "I know I love you more than you love me."
Heart over head. I heard this song the other day and it spoke to me. Am I crazy? These lyrics screamed out to me "Okay come on... believe in me and prove it." *I* wander far from him. He left but it's me. My energy. Me. These lyrics... "I believe in you. You know the door to my very soul. And you may not think that I care for you when you know down inside that I really do..."
How deep is your love Rose?
I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love
How deep is your love, How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show
How Deep Is Your Love
It's not about giving up hope or giving up on somebody, it's about trusting that everything will work out. I think this is what your friend was trying to say. http://www.lawofattraction123.com/law-of-detachment.html
ReplyDeleteHi! Thanks for the link. Is that you? You're very pretty. I read the link and I totally do understand the Law of Detachment. I have a mentor, Madelyn Alt. She's guided me for the last ten years and I'd probably be dead without her help! She's not only my mentor but a dear friend, and she's a powerful spiritualist. I asked her why it seems SO many people have the lesson of letting go but for me is seems like my guidance is pushing ME to hold on? It flies in the face of things such as this "Law of Detachment" because my guidance very specifically tells me to dream about him, dream about a future with him, trust him, write about his love for me, bring him close to me, believe in a future together... it's like *I* am not allowed to detach! It's like my lesson is the opposite of detachment, opposite of what many other's lessons are in "letting go." My mentor tells me it is because I always run from my dreams. I have been known *koff koff* to be afraid to dream. I resist holding on to what I want most in life. I fear it, so yes I hear you in detaching from the fear of NOT getting it. I have been so afraid of NOT getting it that I convince myself it could never happen, that he does not love me, that I need to just turn away, date someone new and forget him. But when I try to DETACH from him I get nothing but suffering. He's told me time and again how much he loves me and I fucking run energetically every time. It's insane and this link you sent me- how she gets rid of all the baby stuff and stops thinking about it? That's exactly opposite what my Higher Self tells me to do. And when I do push it to the side, pay no attention to it, he goes more and more quiet. Only when I am brave enough to bring the dream back, bring HIM back to my heart, does he "ignite" again. For me the whole "reap what you sow" is my lesson. If I sow love and belief then that's what I get. If I sow "forgetting" or moving on or letting go or "detaching" then all I reap is him being farther and farther from me. I swear this is a huge lesson for me in NOT running from love, not letting the love of someone for me scare the shit out of me, holding on to a dream, etc. I think my journey is much much different than many others, and it is quite opposite of what many are going through. THIS is why my blogs are all about love and holding on... because in reality it is SO hard for me to do so. I'm the one who wants to pack up and run run run for the hills. I am fighting that urge by constantly reminding myself through my writing. I gotta own my truth even if it is a truth not many others can understand. Thank you, as always, for your feedback.
DeleteI've practice cutting all attachment and cord and it is like one of those paradoxical solutions because He has moved closer to ME. He is in full pursuit and the finances that have been a stumbling block in a real life relationship have magically fixed themselves. His life seems to be on the up and up without my "help,". It seems that one can dream and also let go of any specific outcome. I practice LOA a ton but I am careful because I do not want to interfere with anyone's free will. My guide told we would be together so I do try an not worry about that but on any giving moment my mind does run amok and I have to just pray and believe that it will all work and I don't get to control the outcome (I am a big control freak).
ReplyDeleteBTW in the 4 years we were apart I was totally unable to date, just could not do it and I had no hope of us ever being together.... We are truly polar opposites.
Hang in their kiddo, it will all work out
Yeah useless for me to cut any cords. That's all energetic and concerns belief and my energy already knows what I believe in my heart. I've already told God if he is not the one for me to release me and bring the right one to me and when I said this I got poked with that fear, that another would come after Joron when I want no other BUT him. I am glad to know that you and your twin on hanging in there and you feel it's going to happen! Good for you! Yes they will magically fix themselves when it is time for the relationship to move together. You know blocks are put into place to keep two apart if they are meant to be apart. Then when it's time those blocks will fade away. He and I are a bit opposite but not too much. We are actually a lot alike in most ways, and our differences don't matter much to us.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say I really hope it's soon. I'm 16 months in since meeting him and going like this with the total silence is a challenge because I really would love to talk to him again simply because I love him. Thank you :)