See You Again

I will carry you with me 'till I see you again. 

My Feelings

I've been quiet because I've been going through some emotional stuff on my end and I have needed time to experience it and process. I want God to know I am thankful for all the love I have in my life.  I believe sometimes people come into my life as "gifts" and I am grateful.  James is definitely one of them, the biggest one I'd think.

I've need some time and experience to see that I am manifesting what I focus on, and I need to make sure I am making the choice to focus on what I truly want in my life.  I believe we can create what we want- and whatever we are choosing to focus on is what is going to come to us, or stay away from us if we are focusing away from it.  And we have to be careful conscious manifestors, considerate too. 

God knows I love and miss this sweet guy James.  I think it's obvious from my blog that since I met him on August 20, 2013 I've been pretty much in love with him.  I fell in love with him nearly immediately.  I still remember how totally excited I was to meet this wonderful fella, lol.  I was so jaded about dating or love or wanting to meet anyone new.  Men, no offense, can be difficult to deal with in the dating world, and as I understand- so can women.  But with James it was amazing.  Easy.  He was everything you'd want in meeting a new person and getting to know him.  He actually answered text messages!  *gasp!*  And he was responsive and open.  Not at all sheltered.  So many people out there trying to date right now are so secretive and they won't share and they are afraid to open up so they hide and play games and it all just sucks ass big time.  I know because my friend and room mate is a single woman trying to date and I watch what she goes through and my heart goes out to her.

With James it was refreshingly different.  He was so friendly and funny!  Kind and charming and he was always saying something to make me laugh.  Boyish and fun.  Cute.  Totally cute and endearing and very exciting.  And he is sexy, totally!  But adorable too.  Yeah, he is perfect to me.  I loved getting to know him SO much because he was just so unique and transparent and easy to talk to.  He was so easy to talk to, and he was very responsive.  I never had to worry that I was saying too much or I was going to scare him off.  He was very receptive to my thoughts and feelings, and he appreciated my honesty- welcomed it.  He liked getting to know me too, and he always asked me tons of questions because he wanted to know more about me.  I just love him so much.  I love him and I know that man is him.  He was excited to meet me, we clicked and got on well from the very start.  He is the type to say hello every morning even though we were just "friends" to start off, before we met.  Very thoughtful and considerate.  Once we met face to face he held my hand, stole my heart and hit me with the most intense kiss- then we were more than friends.  I fell in love with him immediately upon seeing his darling face.

He has such a wonderful adorable face!

And then here we are today.  I do want James.  I love him.  He's done the hard work for me.   And I am going through some things inside that I can't really explain right now.  I guess I am just taking the time I feel I need to get my thoughts, heart and emotions in order.  It is funny how love can make a person turn away from bad thoughts which really is a good thing. 

I am far from perfect and I falter and love hard and even in the best of intentions... turns out I AM human and sometimes make very human choices- yet I really want a future with my twin soul.  I love him so very much; he's special to me, no matter what.  And every day I am asking God to please help me be tempered, loving, humble and kind. Empathy and compassion is what our world needs right now.  I get sad because there are terrible cruel things happening in our world right now.  And I have all this love for a person who is not here, and I wish he was here.  It hurts me to be away from him, like really hurts. It is a challenge to love someone so wonderful this much but not be able to discuss anything real with him, like I can with anyone else in my life.  It gets exhausting to crave to talk with him again, even as my friend like we used to, yet it does not happen- it makes me cry.  I want to be able to talk with him again like normal, like a friend and confidant.  I miss that connection with him more than you can imagine.  I wish I could love on him again, shower him with this huge love I have for him.  Hold him tightly and make him feel good, make him happy.  Hug him for a long long time.  Touch his face.  All this love- I do send it out into the world because I try to be the best person I can be, but I want to be able to show James my love.  I wish he could be in my arms again.  I feel like I very much need to reconnect with him more than we have; it would help inside of me.  I am thankful to receive kind words from him, and I have.  He has said things like, "Love you beautiful" which is much more my James, real love, but still... I want to talk to the man I dated.  Fully talk to him like we did before.  I want reunion.  I want him to tell me we need to talk about our love and how we are going to be together, and then I want to actually hear back from him.  So it is not always such a "leap of faith."  I live for the day when I know I am going to hear back from him, like it is "normal" and as it was when we dated when we could not wait to hear from one another.  I LIVE for that moment.  I pray for it.  I hope and wish for it.  A conversation that continues.  I'd be so thankful. 

I believe you can love and miss a person even if you are not perfect.  I am not.  I've been struggling a bit but I am human, and I love.  I have no anger inside of me, not focusing on badness.  I know James is a wonderful person who has done a lot for me and I am thankful to him for that.  I've brought a few circumstances into my life as of late, and I'm working through them.  I'd love to see my twin soul again.  It would be really great to reconnect with him. I think he feels the same way.  I know when we saw each other last it was only love, and I feel that he misses me and would like to see me again.  I really wish that could happen.

Jen

Humble and Kind

The Moment

Love never fails.

Throughout this journey I've felt a lot of stress to try and be as perfect as possible although trying has never made me perfect. I am pretty sure I can go back and see the things I've said and written and thought to be clear on how those things have affected my connection with my twin. I have some general ideas of the "do nots" on this journey. And maybe some "dos."

 I've been living my life and trying to focus rightly. I love James. It's pretty simple. I adore him and I want to think of him only with love. He has had to really reflect a lot of stuff to me and man I'm trying my best to let go of anything inside that needs to go. I am torn over something right now but I'm telling myself to address the situation with love and it will all be okay.

I really do want my twin soul in my life. I miss him and love him a lot. I remember how perfectly good and loving he was to me. I realize most 40 year-old handsome hot-blooded men don't take the time or patience or effort to get to know a woman as slowly as he did me. As carefully and with total consideration of my feelings and my role as a mother. He took his time. He was gentle and caring and wonderfully kind. And funny, very friendly and funny. I was entirely blessed to have him in my life. He is a gift from God to me. I still can't get over how careful and protective he was of me. It is one thing that stands out to me. He was absolutely so so careful of my emotions and wanted me to feel loved, reassured and good. Such a sweetheart.

I miss him. I miss going out together and having fun, always holding hands. I miss being able to have an open honest conversation with him where he could be his exuberant expressive affectionate self. I miss talking with my friend. I miss being in his arms for hours while we softly gently kiss and talk. I think those sweet endless hours of just kissing were some of the best hours of my life. It means so much to me that he took such care with me!!  I miss hours on the phone together where he would ask for just five more minutes. I miss his sweet soft voice saying "I love you honey." Oh how I would love to hear him call me honey again.

Men like him are a rare gift. HE is a rare gift!! A treasured gem. This is why I'm so in love with him still. He is genuine and rare. I wish he was in my life right now. We had such a great loving time together, beautiful and healthy and real. The best time of my life. It is why I miss him so much.

Right at the moment I'm not sure what to expect or do. I don't know how to be perfect or always know what the best choices are. I'm trying to remember him as he was, amazing, while keeping my insides clear of any darker energy. I am still human and won't ever be perfect but I'm doing the best I can. He means a lot to me and he ultimately is the one I want as my future and my family. I can only hope and wish for my dreams with him to still come true.

Sweet Memories

I have some of the sweetest memories of James.  I really do.  Sometimes they can be hard to think about because they make me cry; they are bittersweet.  I love him so much and I wish they were more than memories.  I wish he was still in my life.  I wish he would never have had to leave us.  I wish we had stayed together and created the life we'd discussed, getting married and having a family.  I wish all of that could have happened, and I still wish for it in the future.  But the time we did spend together was, by far, the best time of my life.  Literally the BEST time of my life!

I used to like country music a lot.  Not so much now.  I stopped listening to it around the time I met James, not sure why, and I never went back to it.  There are a few songs I like, and I still love Garth, but overall I don't listen to it anymore.  But back then he knew I'd liked country music.  He was over one night and we were kissing on my couch.  He is so damn cute, really.  You know how there is that one special person in life who is just so absolutely beautiful to you in every way?  Yeah, he's that one person to me.  EVERYTHING about James is perfectly adorable to me.  *sigh*  So we were kissing and he was smiling and being cute and silly.  He wore a button up collared shirt and it had a striped plaid pattern on it.  He kept telling me he wore it just for me because it was his most "country" shirt.  He was always silly.  I miss that silly nature, joking, friendly.  Goofball.

Kissing progressed to making love.  I love making love with James because he is very... real.  And he is cuddly and cute and loves pillow talk.  He always needed time to hold me and cuddle afterwards- he insisted on it.  I liked laying there with him, in his arm, smiling and talking all close and intimate after lovemaking.  He is very sweet and likes to be close.  Yet he is still silly.  He'd make me laugh.  Or he'd talk science, what he called "science pillow talk."  I miss science pillow talk.  He told me once that if I ever discussed Geology during pillow talk that he'd probably ask me to marry him right then.

I miss him a lot.

But I have this one memory that is so strong.  Most of them are strong memories because they are all so special to me but this one... I just remember so vividly.  It was time for him to go so he got up to get dressed.  I had candles lit; I always lit candles when he was over.  He didn't like making love in the dark {he insists on seeing me, lol} yet he knew I was not comfortable with the lights blaring so candles were the best bet.  He was standing in my room buttoning his "most country" shirt and his beautiful self was illuminated by the candle light.  I think James is adorable.  Like the most beautiful man ever.  And at that moment I thought, "I think he's really an angel."  Because he glowed.  He has a bit of silver in the sides of his hair {it's hot} and the light made it sparkle.  And he was smiling at me and being silly saying, "I'm going to write you a country song.  Yep, I'm gonna write you a country song- just for you," as he was buttoning his shirt.  I just remember so vividly him standing there with his sweet handsome friendly smile, head tilted to the side while he teased me that he was going to write me a country song, and he looked intensely beautiful, angelic, glowing.  And that memory is burned into my mind.  His smile.  His sweet friendly face.  His gently teasing silly goofball nature.

He always made me smile and giggle, and I never have been one to laugh enough- but he made me laugh.  I told my guidance once, "He makes me laugh," and my guidance said, "Yes- and that is a beautiful thing, wet eyes."  Wet eyes because this was after James was gone and I'd sit at home and have melt downs, crying all day.  I cry still but the tears are different.  Back then they were more of fear and confusion.  Now my tears are because I love him and I miss him and all I want more than anything is for him to be back in my life.

It was funny, that night.  I have cats and the cats would always want in the room when the door was closed.  He knew they'd be waiting right outside the door so when he opened the door he looked down and said, "Kitties!!!"  My cats like him.  When he was here recently my cats were all over him again.  I still can barely believe he was here, in my world, recently.  I wish I could go back and do that night over again.  I was too nervous.  I did not know what to say or do.  I was afraid to touch him at first.  But I wish I'd just reached out and taken his hand, or touched his face.  When he laid his hand on mine I almost jumped out of my skin.  His touch.  Oh how I missed his touch.  There is no one I want touching me besides him.  He has the best hands!  I remember when he asked to hold my hand on our first date how it felt when he took my hand in his- strong yet tender.  And he rubbed his thumb against the palm of my hand and it made me speechless.  Literally- could not speak as we walked together every time he ran his thumb against my palm.  I can barely breathe writing this.  I miss him, oh how I miss him.  I love him so very much and I wish he was back in my life.  He is all I want.  He is my everything.  No one could ever compare.

I heard a song this morning by Coldplay.  I don't know the name but it is new.  The song says I could go find someone else.  But an easy love would never ever compare- an easy love would feel... counterfeit.  A substitute.  Frustrating.  It might feel good momentarily but then it would be torturous because the ONLY man I want in my life is James.  Nothing matters to me besides seeing him again, being with him.  What I mean is that anything that has happened {the things that don't feel wonderful} matters nothing to me besides me seeing what I am meant to see about myself.  Beyond that I can let it go and move forward.  It does not matter to me.  Only he matters to me, him and his love. 

I read these twin soul articles that say over and over this is a lesson in loving another person unconditionally and I chuckle because I have that part down, did a long time ago.  I've told James many times that I will love him no matter what, and I think he probably realizes that now.  I'm not saying all of this is "easy" but I will always love him.  He's just too sweet not to.  I can't help but love him.  Something inside of me knows he deserves that strong undying love from me, that he is totally worthy of it.  And I am sorry but no, I don't love everyone like that.  I LOVE hard.  I try not to judge people.  I try to be accepting and loving but I don't go around LOVING all people as hard as I love my twin soul.  He holds a special place in my heart, like my child does.  I will always love my son, no matter what.  He is my son.  I grew him, birthed him and held him to my own breast to feed him and nurture him.  He is MINE and I will love him through anything.  My love for James is similar, and I can't really explain why except to say that we have been through a lot together, and somehow it makes me love him even more than I did when I dated him.  I just want to love him.  I want to touch his beautiful face and look into his eyes and gently kiss his sweet lips and I want to be able to hold him for as long as I want to, forever.  I ache to show him my love.  Honestly all I want is to love him!  So I do.  I love him from afar but I do wish I could love him here, in my life.  I love kissing him.  I could kiss him forever.  He is so sweet to kiss.  I wish I could kiss him again, soon.  Like now would be good.  My heaven would be a future of being able to kiss James all the time, whenever I wanted to, forever.  Every night.  Every morning.  And any time in between.  I miss his kisses, his sweet kisses.

I wish I could watch him in the candlelight again.  He is so beautiful to me.  Everything inside of me aches for him.  Our memories are beautiful to me... but I do wish we could create new memories now.  He means the world to me and I pray that we can be together again soon.

My Love

Still...

I really miss James.

I also have a lot going on inside me.  I know that I should just let any past negativity go and move forward, focus on love, hope for the best.  I know this.  I really do.  But maybe it is easier said than done.  It is a challenge when I am in limbo.  And I am tempted to feel like a real fuck up but I am trying to remind myself that I am healing and learning, never have bad intentions.  And I am trying to get a grip on LoA.  And through it all I still love James and miss him, waking up at 3AM with my chest clenched and my heart aching wishing he was with me.  Wishing we were at least talking.  Realizing he was just here holding me and kissing me and feeling in my heart that he does love me too and wishes he could be with me again.  So being apart really hurts.  And I don't exactly know what to do.

I feel a little lost right now.  Hence my quiet.  I miss my twin soul and wish he was back in my life.  I love the sweet man I dated.  I miss the guy who came over a few weeks ago and said he needed to swap spots because he was not sitting on his side of my couch, the side where it was always more comfortable for him to turn toward me so we could make out for hours like two teens newly in love.

I want him back in my life like I had him, love and truth.  Open and honest.  Totally willing to share his feelings and be loving and affectionate with me.  I want that man back.  I know he is out there.  I know that is who James really is, and I refuse to believe otherwise.  And no, I am not patient at all.  I am aching, longing for him in every single way known imaginable and I NEED him in my life.  And my heart tells me he feels the same way about me.  No, I don't feel all special or beautiful or particularly awesome right now.  I just feel like... me.  I keep reminding myself that I AM a good person.  I am.  I really am a very good person and I can't forget that. And I know my twin realizes I am a good person.  I feel like James knows what I good person I am and he does love me and care for me, very much.  I may have stuff inside of me that I need to be aware of, that I need to release, and I am working on those things but still overall I am a good person.  I believe my mirror shows me those things that I need to release but those things are not my core, not the majority of me. My shadow does not define me.

And I love him, with all my heart I love him.  I wish I could snap my fingers and change this back to where it feels good again.  Loving and kind and gentle and REAL.  He always said what we had was healthy and good, and it was.  And nothing ever changed.  Our love is a beautiful love and I believe it still exists- but I wish it was manifest in my life right now.  I wish he was in my life right now.  Life does not feel complete without him in it.  Life would be so much more happy and colorful with James.  I am still holding onto my dreams.  He means enough to me to do so.  I know it is a process, something to show me what I need to get rid of.  I get that.  I really do.  But I want to get through that part now.  I want to be on the other side, manifesting the "right" stuff, so my Love can come back to me.  I want that more than anything.

I know why it is HIM and no one else but him who is my twin soul.  Because God knew that it was this ONE person, this one single man, who would be SO special to me, so precious and amazing, that my stubborn self would do anything in the hopes of having him in my life.  Listen I have no proof.  I have only the HOPE that he loves me no matter what he has to show me right now.  I only have the knowledge that we started a strong beautiful love affair that never really ended, not for any real reason.  He was totally in love with me, could not wait to hear from me, needed to see me, was telling me he was already dying to make plans to be with me, contacting me always, loving having me in his life as his girlfriend, telling me he wanted to marry me, and then suddenly he was kinda gone.  Not real.  Love like that does not just end.  I believe in that love.  I believe in HIM, and I do love him so very much that I will do whatever it takes to, hopefully, allow him back in my life.  I really love him and miss him.  Enough that I am working to be as aware and tempered as I humanly can, maybe beyond being "human," because I want him back with me so so much.  Yet I can't achieve releasing the missing him, loving him deeply, the longing, or the ache.  I'm trying to focus "rightly" toward love.  That's about all I can say right now.

Jennifer

Kisses

Oh my God I miss him and his kisses. I miss him so much. I have been reading through my journals and can see exactly what energies have created where I am right now. I understand why I heard the word "hubris" some months ago. I could be a little more humble and gentle inside. Respectful of this process. Grateful when I get any contact. Honoring the union. I can see that. I seriously doubt I'll have any more angry ego flare ups again. I am exhausted and they need to be done now.

I pray to have another opportunity to move forward in my union. Closer to being together again. I will do anything to get through this to the other side where my twin is meant to be my future. I have no qualms in saying I'm entirely in love with him and would do anything in my power to change this even if it means doing whatever inner work is necessary. I want my dreams to come true with him! I feel like we are so meant to be together. It feels like he should be with me, like something is missing from me. I need him in my life.

His kisses are my heaven. He is my everything. It takes a strong good love to make a stubborn woman beg God and say just show me what to do and I'll do it. Please help me. God chose the perfect motivation for me, this sweet adorable loving scientist. My guidance knew how much he would mean to me. He means the world to me. I want a life with him in it.

I'm trying to listen. Praying for temperance and humbleness. A loving and peaceful inner even if I do miss him so much.

I miss him, his loving presence and those sweet sweet kisses.

My Love.

Tears

I sometimes still look at forums on the web to see how others are doing.  I read this today and want to repost it here because it totally explains my journey.  And I miss him so much that I feel like I am falling apart inside.  I love him and I miss him, and it's far beyond my ability to control so I know it comes from soul.  This person, whoever wrote this, sums up perfectly my twin soul experience, and through it all I still just love him so much, just so much.  I know it has been to do things for me.  I honestly do know that.  And I am trying to see those things and be ultra aware, but no matter how aware I am or how hard I try and how badly I want to just get through this- I still always love him, and I still always miss him.  And I miss him so much right now.  I miss my Love so much.  It did feel like home when he held me to his chest a while back.  Held me in his arms.  Like home.  Like I am meant to be in those arms, being kissed by him, always. 

I love him so very much.  And let me tell you- I have seen the life without the dream.  I have been given a good glimpse of what it feels like, and it feels like death to me.  It feels so Hellish that I will do whatever it takes to clear me so I can have the life WITH the dream.  WITH the dream.  That is my hope and prayer.

Much thanks goes out to whoever wrote this.  She totally describes exactly EXACTLY what is happened to me with my own divine counterpart, my silly lovely loving twin soul. Believe me I know it is a magical and divine experience.  I do.  But being so close to it... I'm really really living what is written here.  He is showing me what I need to be rid of in order to be the butterfly he told me he dreamed about.  I was shown in the beginning that this was going to be about Awakening, about me healing what no longer serves me.  I am honestly doing the best I can.  Right now I am HOPING and praying that what I think I see is right, that the anger I let flare up in me is one of the reasons why this got so intense.  Although it is illusion I know- and I am hoping in seeing it, being aware and letting all of it go that maybe that will help, maybe it will open me to allow my twin soul to come closer to me again so he can be who he really is, if I clear out the gunk and be more of who I really am.

I can only pray and work hard at being humble, peaceful and tempered.

I miss my tender, gentle, loving kind caring compassionate empathetic sweet friend.  I wish wish wish every day to be blessed with his truth again.  You have no idea how badly I want that.

I dream of the moment when I can stand there wrapped in his gentle caring arms forever.  The moment where we can walk this journey together again.  I dream of it.  I just wanna have us hold each other where we never ever have to let go.  That is my prayer.

You are missed and loved and cherished ever so much my sweet friend.  

TF Our Mirror to activate an awakening of SELF-  by Akira

---

Yep, they are indeed the mirror that shows us all the parts of ourselves that we have been hiding in the sock draw ... lol...

We hide all our stuff and they swoop in on their white horses, holding their swords and beckoning us to hop on. We of course submit and jump on and then it all starts...

First the magic the sun looks brighter, the air feels like a gentle caress and their voice well it sings across your skin. You are in the throws of exultation.. Each swimming in the magic of one another's eyes. It's as if you are in a dream.. One that you want to stay in forever. You have never experienced such delight, everything in your world has changed and it all makes you feel as if you are invincible...

Then you tumble off the horse right into the mud and you look up the sun is fading and they're not helping you. In fact they have ridden away and left you on the ground caked in mud. And the pain in your heart is so visceral, so strong you howl, tears pouring down your face. How could all that love leave me here alone, how your heart yearns for the dream again. Yet, it's gone and you get up and your heart is heavy everything looks the way it did before the colors are dull and the world feels heavy. So you walk in one shoe as the other is now stuck in the mud. You yearn and scream and make a life. Each day maybe healing a little more, but always a little lost ...

Then you meet each other and you cry 'why', they scream back at you the same 'why' and the mirror is activated and all the darkness that is within you starts to tumble out towards you. At first you turn your back, you tell it you will not heal, you will not do the stuff it asks of you... NO, you won't...

The mirror sings a dark melody and shows you life without the dream and you sink to your knees knowing that you a have a choice of the life that you are going to live. You can have the dream or you can stay stuck in the mud. Your heart collapses, it knows what it wants, it calls to you.

Initially you stare at the reflection, you judge it, you yell at it and you try to fix it!!! Then suddenly you become aware that you are still stuck in the mud, where is the light you ponder. It's in you, the mirror screams. Annoyed you just scream right back at it... As you collapse on the floor from the pain in your heart and allow the tears to flow from your eyes you lose consciousness...

When you awaken, you see yourself in the mirror and a code activates through your body and at last you understand that it is you that you have to heal, it is you who has to walk alone to have that love. So you pack your bag and you take that journey of healing and you move through the pain, interspersed with a lil laughter so your soul remembers. You walk and you walk not knowing just where you are going ...

As the time ebbs away the light starts to get brighter and brighter and all the old pain starts to fall away and then there in the light you see a glimmer..

No, you whisper .. 'I'm sure I just saw those eyes'.. so familiar, yet still a little way off. You tumble a little and then you feel it all the angels wrapped around you carrying you closer and closer, you can almost taste it now.

And then the connection like bubbles his/her arms wrapped around you a feeling of weightlessness spinning you around, the hours you stand there wrapped in each other seems like minutes and you know that you are HoMe...


Aaaaaaaaaah, still there is the journey, but you are closer now and now you live in the dream together, the mud will appear sometimes, but less and less with each commitment from you to heal that which does not serve you… Keep going, keep mastering. Look no matter where you are, no matter who you are with they are still there holding your hand. It's a thread so fine, so golden the connection beyond time and space

And then the Divine Counterparts melt into one another as they pour their love into the world to share with everyone... A golden arc connecting them to all the people in all the lands...

All my love and my heart Ak (thank you for letting me share this with you) xxx