I've been quiet because I've been going through some emotional stuff on my end and I have needed time to experience it and process. I want God to know I am thankful for all the love I have in my life. I believe sometimes people come into my life as "gifts" and I am grateful. James is definitely one of them, the biggest one I'd think.
I've need some time and experience to see that I am manifesting what I focus on, and I need to make sure I am making the choice to focus on what I truly want in my life. I believe we can create what we want- and whatever we are choosing to focus on is what is going to come to us, or stay away from us if we are focusing away from it. And we have to be careful conscious manifestors, considerate too.
God knows I love and miss this sweet guy James. I think it's obvious from my blog that since I met him on August 20, 2013 I've been pretty much in love with him. I fell in love with him nearly immediately. I still remember how totally excited I was to meet this wonderful fella, lol. I was so jaded about dating or love or wanting to meet anyone new. Men, no offense, can be difficult to deal with in the dating world, and as I understand- so can women. But with James it was amazing. Easy. He was everything you'd want in meeting a new person and getting to know him. He actually answered text messages! *gasp!* And he was responsive and open. Not at all sheltered. So many people out there trying to date right now are so secretive and they won't share and they are afraid to open up so they hide and play games and it all just sucks ass big time. I know because my friend and room mate is a single woman trying to date and I watch what she goes through and my heart goes out to her.
With James it was refreshingly different. He was so friendly and funny! Kind and charming and he was always saying something to make me laugh. Boyish and fun. Cute. Totally cute and endearing and very exciting. And he is sexy, totally! But adorable too. Yeah, he is perfect to me. I loved getting to know him SO much because he was just so unique and transparent and easy to talk to. He was so easy to talk to, and he was very responsive. I never had to worry that I was saying too much or I was going to scare him off. He was very receptive to my thoughts and feelings, and he appreciated my honesty- welcomed it. He liked getting to know me too, and he always asked me tons of questions because he wanted to know more about me. I just love him so much. I love him and I know that man is him. He was excited to meet me, we clicked and got on well from the very start. He is the type to say hello every morning even though we were just "friends" to start off, before we met. Very thoughtful and considerate. Once we met face to face he held my hand, stole my heart and hit me with the most intense kiss- then we were more than friends. I fell in love with him immediately upon seeing his darling face.
He has such a wonderful adorable face!
And then here we are today. I do want James. I love him. He's done the hard work for me. And I am going through some things inside that I can't really explain right now. I guess I am just taking the time I feel I need to get my thoughts, heart and emotions in order. It is funny how love can make a person turn away from bad thoughts which really is a good thing.
I am far from perfect and I falter and love hard and even in the best of intentions... turns out I AM human and sometimes make very human choices- yet I really want a future with my twin soul. I love him so very much; he's special to me, no matter what. And every day I am asking God to please help me be tempered, loving, humble and kind. Empathy and compassion is what our world needs right now. I get sad because there are terrible cruel things happening in our world right now. And I have all this love for a person who is not here, and I wish he was here. It hurts me to be away from him, like really hurts. It is a challenge to love someone so wonderful this much but not be able to discuss anything real with him, like I can with anyone else in my life. It gets exhausting to crave to talk with him again, even as my friend like we used to, yet it does not happen- it makes me cry. I want to be able to talk with him again like normal, like a friend and confidant. I miss that connection with him more than you can imagine. I wish I could love on him again, shower him with this huge love I have for him. Hold him tightly and make him feel good, make him happy. Hug him for a long long time. Touch his face. All this love- I do send it out into the world because I try to be the best person I can be, but I want to be able to show James my love. I wish he could be in my arms again. I feel like I very much need to reconnect with him more than we have; it would help inside of me. I am thankful to receive kind words from him, and I have. He has said things like, "Love you beautiful" which is much more my James, real love, but still... I want to talk to the man I dated. Fully talk to him like we did before. I want reunion. I want him to tell me we need to talk about our love and how we are going to be together, and then I want to actually hear back from him. So it is not always such a "leap of faith." I live for the day when I know I am going to hear back from him, like it is "normal" and as it was when we dated when we could not wait to hear from one another. I LIVE for that moment. I pray for it. I hope and wish for it. A conversation that continues. I'd be so thankful.
I believe you can love and miss a person even if you are not perfect. I am not. I've been struggling a bit but I am human, and I love. I have no anger inside of me, not focusing on badness. I know James is a wonderful person who has done a lot for me and I am thankful to him for that. I've brought a few circumstances into my life as of late, and I'm working through them. I'd love to see my twin soul again. It would be really great to reconnect with him. I think he feels the same way. I know when we saw each other last it was only love, and I feel that he misses me and would like to see me again. I really wish that could happen.
Jen
Humble and Kind
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