I have some of the sweetest memories of James. I really do. Sometimes they can be hard to think about because they make me cry; they are bittersweet. I love him so much and I wish they were more than memories. I wish he was still in my life. I wish he would never have had to leave us. I wish we had stayed together and created the life we'd discussed, getting married and having a family. I wish all of that could have happened, and I still wish for it in the future. But the time we did spend together was, by far, the best time of my life. Literally the BEST time of my life!
I used to like country music a lot. Not so much now. I stopped listening to it around the time I met James, not sure why, and I never went back to it. There are a few songs I like, and I still love Garth, but overall I don't listen to it anymore. But back then he knew I'd liked country music. He was over one night and we were kissing on my couch. He is so damn cute, really. You know how there is that one special person in life who is just so absolutely beautiful to you in every way? Yeah, he's that one person to me. EVERYTHING about James is perfectly adorable to me. *sigh* So we were kissing and he was smiling and being cute and silly. He wore a button up collared shirt and it had a striped plaid pattern on it. He kept telling me he wore it just for me because it was his most "country" shirt. He was always silly. I miss that silly nature, joking, friendly. Goofball.
Kissing progressed to making love. I love making love with James because he is very... real. And he is cuddly and cute and loves pillow talk. He always needed time to hold me and cuddle afterwards- he insisted on it. I liked laying there with him, in his arm, smiling and talking all close and intimate after lovemaking. He is very sweet and likes to be close. Yet he is still silly. He'd make me laugh. Or he'd talk science, what he called "science pillow talk." I miss science pillow talk. He told me once that if I ever discussed Geology during pillow talk that he'd probably ask me to marry him right then.
I miss him a lot.
But I have this one memory that is so strong. Most of them are strong memories because they are all so special to me but this one... I just remember so vividly. It was time for him to go so he got up to get dressed. I had candles lit; I always lit candles when he was over. He didn't like making love in the dark {he insists on seeing me, lol} yet he knew I was not comfortable with the lights blaring so candles were the best bet. He was standing in my room buttoning his "most country" shirt and his beautiful self was illuminated by the candle light. I think James is adorable. Like the most beautiful man ever. And at that moment I thought, "I think he's really an angel." Because he glowed. He has a bit of silver in the sides of his hair {it's hot} and the light made it sparkle. And he was smiling at me and being silly saying, "I'm going to write you a country song. Yep, I'm gonna write you a country song- just for you," as he was buttoning his shirt. I just remember so vividly him standing there with his sweet handsome friendly smile, head tilted to the side while he teased me that he was going to write me a country song, and he looked intensely beautiful, angelic, glowing. And that memory is burned into my mind. His smile. His sweet friendly face. His gently teasing silly goofball nature.
He always made me smile and giggle, and I never have been one to laugh enough- but he made me laugh. I told my guidance once, "He makes me laugh," and my guidance said, "Yes- and that is a beautiful thing, wet eyes." Wet eyes because this was after James was gone and I'd sit at home and have melt downs, crying all day. I cry still but the tears are different. Back then they were more of fear and confusion. Now my tears are because I love him and I miss him and all I want more than anything is for him to be back in my life.
It was funny, that night. I have cats and the cats would always want in the room when the door was closed. He knew they'd be waiting right outside the door so when he opened the door he looked down and said, "Kitties!!!" My cats like him. When he was here recently my cats were all over him again. I still can barely believe he was here, in my world, recently. I wish I could go back and do that night over again. I was too nervous. I did not know what to say or do. I was afraid to touch him at first. But I wish I'd just reached out and taken his hand, or touched his face. When he laid his hand on mine I almost jumped out of my skin. His touch. Oh how I missed his touch. There is no one I want touching me besides him. He has the best hands! I remember when he asked to hold my hand on our first date how it felt when he took my hand in his- strong yet tender. And he rubbed his thumb against the palm of my hand and it made me speechless. Literally- could not speak as we walked together every time he ran his thumb against my palm. I can barely breathe writing this. I miss him, oh how I miss him. I love him so very much and I wish he was back in my life. He is all I want. He is my everything. No one could ever compare.
I heard a song this morning by Coldplay. I don't know the name but it is new. The song says I could go find someone else. But an easy love would never ever compare- an easy love would feel... counterfeit. A substitute. Frustrating. It might feel good momentarily but then it would be torturous because the ONLY man I want in my life is James. Nothing matters to me besides seeing him again, being with him. What I mean is that anything that has happened {the things that don't feel wonderful} matters nothing to me besides me seeing what I am meant to see about myself. Beyond that I can let it go and move forward. It does not matter to me. Only he matters to me, him and his love.
I read these twin soul articles that say over and over this is a lesson in loving another person unconditionally and I chuckle because I have that part down, did a long time ago. I've told James many times that I will love him no matter what, and I think he probably realizes that now. I'm not saying all of this is "easy" but I will always love him. He's just too sweet not to. I can't help but love him. Something inside of me knows he deserves that strong undying love from me, that he is totally worthy of it. And I am sorry but no, I don't love everyone like that. I LOVE hard. I try not to judge people. I try to be accepting and loving but I don't go around LOVING all people as hard as I love my twin soul. He holds a special place in my heart, like my child does. I will always love my son, no matter what. He is my son. I grew him, birthed him and held him to my own breast to feed him and nurture him. He is MINE and I will love him through anything. My love for James is similar, and I can't really explain why except to say that we have been through a lot together, and somehow it makes me love him even more than I did when I dated him. I just want to love him. I want to touch his beautiful face and look into his eyes and gently kiss his sweet lips and I want to be able to hold him for as long as I want to, forever. I ache to show him my love. Honestly all I want is to love him! So I do. I love him from afar but I do wish I could love him here, in my life. I love kissing him. I could kiss him forever. He is so sweet to kiss. I wish I could kiss him again, soon. Like now would be good. My heaven would be a future of being able to kiss James all the time, whenever I wanted to, forever. Every night. Every morning. And any time in between. I miss his kisses, his sweet kisses.
I wish I could watch him in the candlelight again. He is so beautiful to me. Everything inside of me aches for him. Our memories are beautiful to me... but I do wish we could create new memories now. He means the world to me and I pray that we can be together again soon.
My Love
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