Still...

I really miss James.

I also have a lot going on inside me.  I know that I should just let any past negativity go and move forward, focus on love, hope for the best.  I know this.  I really do.  But maybe it is easier said than done.  It is a challenge when I am in limbo.  And I am tempted to feel like a real fuck up but I am trying to remind myself that I am healing and learning, never have bad intentions.  And I am trying to get a grip on LoA.  And through it all I still love James and miss him, waking up at 3AM with my chest clenched and my heart aching wishing he was with me.  Wishing we were at least talking.  Realizing he was just here holding me and kissing me and feeling in my heart that he does love me too and wishes he could be with me again.  So being apart really hurts.  And I don't exactly know what to do.

I feel a little lost right now.  Hence my quiet.  I miss my twin soul and wish he was back in my life.  I love the sweet man I dated.  I miss the guy who came over a few weeks ago and said he needed to swap spots because he was not sitting on his side of my couch, the side where it was always more comfortable for him to turn toward me so we could make out for hours like two teens newly in love.

I want him back in my life like I had him, love and truth.  Open and honest.  Totally willing to share his feelings and be loving and affectionate with me.  I want that man back.  I know he is out there.  I know that is who James really is, and I refuse to believe otherwise.  And no, I am not patient at all.  I am aching, longing for him in every single way known imaginable and I NEED him in my life.  And my heart tells me he feels the same way about me.  No, I don't feel all special or beautiful or particularly awesome right now.  I just feel like... me.  I keep reminding myself that I AM a good person.  I am.  I really am a very good person and I can't forget that. And I know my twin realizes I am a good person.  I feel like James knows what I good person I am and he does love me and care for me, very much.  I may have stuff inside of me that I need to be aware of, that I need to release, and I am working on those things but still overall I am a good person.  I believe my mirror shows me those things that I need to release but those things are not my core, not the majority of me. My shadow does not define me.

And I love him, with all my heart I love him.  I wish I could snap my fingers and change this back to where it feels good again.  Loving and kind and gentle and REAL.  He always said what we had was healthy and good, and it was.  And nothing ever changed.  Our love is a beautiful love and I believe it still exists- but I wish it was manifest in my life right now.  I wish he was in my life right now.  Life does not feel complete without him in it.  Life would be so much more happy and colorful with James.  I am still holding onto my dreams.  He means enough to me to do so.  I know it is a process, something to show me what I need to get rid of.  I get that.  I really do.  But I want to get through that part now.  I want to be on the other side, manifesting the "right" stuff, so my Love can come back to me.  I want that more than anything.

I know why it is HIM and no one else but him who is my twin soul.  Because God knew that it was this ONE person, this one single man, who would be SO special to me, so precious and amazing, that my stubborn self would do anything in the hopes of having him in my life.  Listen I have no proof.  I have only the HOPE that he loves me no matter what he has to show me right now.  I only have the knowledge that we started a strong beautiful love affair that never really ended, not for any real reason.  He was totally in love with me, could not wait to hear from me, needed to see me, was telling me he was already dying to make plans to be with me, contacting me always, loving having me in his life as his girlfriend, telling me he wanted to marry me, and then suddenly he was kinda gone.  Not real.  Love like that does not just end.  I believe in that love.  I believe in HIM, and I do love him so very much that I will do whatever it takes to, hopefully, allow him back in my life.  I really love him and miss him.  Enough that I am working to be as aware and tempered as I humanly can, maybe beyond being "human," because I want him back with me so so much.  Yet I can't achieve releasing the missing him, loving him deeply, the longing, or the ache.  I'm trying to focus "rightly" toward love.  That's about all I can say right now.

Jennifer