Today

I don't have much of an update. My nephew spent the night last night and I need to get him home soon. He's a good kid and loves coming over.

I appear fine on the outside but inside I feel like I'm dying. I pray something changes soon because I hurt. And I refuse to feel badly for hurting. I can't stop it. I have even been forcing myself to be creative. I made this which is a steampunk style pendant. All the detail is hand done by me.

But doing my art does nothing to relieve the ache in my heart. Not at all. Nothing does!! Ugh! I don't know.

I have one "twin soul" friend and she was pretty nasty to me recently. She thinks I have to "buck up" and feel better because "other people have it worse." I don't mean to be a baby but I have let this woman be mean to me before and I won't tolerate it again. I told her she was being mean and asked her to stop. She said, "Yeah because you need it."

You know what? That is wrong. I don't need anyone being cruel to me. I really don't. I have always been there for her and I am never mean to her. So there goes that friend because I won't set myself up for her to do it again.

I don't know what to say. This is surreal. I remember James! I know who he is. He is a good kind caring man. My "now" makes me crazy because it's not right. He is my friend. He is a strong compassionate person. We should be communicating. And I miss him so much that it hurts. I wish this could change for the better.

My other friend Bev is like my very best buddy and angel friend. I love her dearly. She told me to just keep going, keep believing and keep my focus where it needs to be so I'm doing the best I can... but the ache is deep. Over three years and my in love him and long for him as much I did back then. I wish things could be back like they were when it was only bliss. Truth
 Real. Loving. Kind. Gentle.

Perfect.

I miss talking with my friend. I'm doing the best I can. A person cannot force joy in the face of heartache. Not possible so I'm not going to even try.

I miss him so much. I'd give anything, do anything, to see him again. I love him so much. Honestly right now I'm doing the best I can to get through each day. I wish it was different. I wish I felt better. But I'm doing the best I can.

Jennifer

2017

2017 is here. A new year. I did not make a resolution. I'm already on a continuous journey to be more self-aware.  That alone is an on-going resolution!

I'm doing okay. How I explain it is sometimes I'm happy. Often I'm sad.  But there are many instances when I'm both at the same time. I feel both emotions happy and sad. And I try to be loving inside no matter what I feel.

I've felt distracted from things "twin soul" these last few weeks and although I know many many people in the TS community advocate for "letting go" and moving on or shifting focus I don't think it is what's best for me. I was told a good while ago that this should be my focus. And it hasn't. I feel like I have been distracting.

I marched in Chicago on Saturday. I was proud to do so but I have to be really careful to not get swept up in the chaotic energies that are running rampant right now. I did not vote for Trump. There are things happening right now that worry me. One of the many is my own son was just issued a diagnosis that I'm hoping will protect him with a 504 plan at school. The last thing I want to see happen is someone be appointed to head our Department of Education who does not have the welfare of the public school children as her priority. And I still can't believe we elected a man who has no respect for women to head out country. It saddens me. Those are just two reasons why I attended the march.

But there is a fine line between advocating for the support of human rights and the environment and education and getting sucked into hate and negativity. There is so much hatred all over. It is so easy to start focusing on what it bad or what we don't like instead of highlighting what is good.

I've been distracted. I still feel blue too which is something I can't seem to shake so I'm trying to just live with it best I can.  I love and adore the sweetest man and I ache to see him and talk with him again. My heart won't settle. Yet I'm trying to keep that to myself. It seems expressing my true feelings upsets some people so I'm trying to keep it to myself. All I can say is I miss the man I met and fell in love with and I wish he was in my life.

I'm trying right now to reorganize my priorities and focus. My mind has been all over the place and I can't concentrate on much let alone this experience. I was short-tempered with my son the other morning purely out of feeling anxious and torn. I cannot allow that to happen. My son is my angel and best buddy. If I'm upset or sad or blue or irritated or frustrated I have to ensure I don't pass it on to anyone. I may feel it but I have to learn to deal with it. I can't seem to change how I feel. Sad and happy both- they work together pretty often in my life. What can I do but accept that? I get frustrated because I know who James is. He was wonderful to me and I know what a good person he is so this is impossibly frustrating for me. This is not truth currently, not totally. Truth would be open and honest communication. I won't EVER settle for accepting what I know is not true. I remember him and his love. I just wish I could see some reflection of that truth now. That is what I wish.

I hope your 2017 had started out well. Take care.

Jennifer

2 AM

I'm up at 2 AM. My fault. I didn't stay fully sober last night. I have been working on this staying sober but last night I was stressed out. Tried to be "smart" and only got a tiny bit so I couldn't overdo it but even a little makes me fall asleep hard and then wake up a few hours later. I feel fine since it wasn't much but still I'm awake when I should be sleeping.

I gotta be strong there. I'm honestly trying. I'm glad I did not buy a bottle of hard liquor. Trying to look at the bright side, at least I was smart enough to not do that. I don't want to keep it in the house that way if I have a weak moment oh well. I'm not going to subject my kid to going out shopping so I can buy alcohol. So if it is not here in the house then I can't drink it.

Self-pity. I was having a pity party last night. I divorced my husband because he did not show me love or affection. We were not a good match. He did not seem happy being with me. He says it was not me but more of a lifestyle thing. I will admit I'm not one who loves to go out to the bar. When I'm happy and peaceful then I don't want to drink. I might have a glass of wine or a beer but that's all. I guess I mainly have the actual desire to drink when I'm hurting. And unfortunately that is often. But my point being when life is "normal" and I'm happy and my emotional needs are being met then I don't have that strong urge to want to drink.

When I was married I liked being home with my husband. I would go out too of course but I'm not the type who wants to sit at the bar every weekend or a couple times a week. And it would have been different had we talked with each other while we were there. But we didn't; he went off by his friends or watched TV and I either tried to talk to other people there or I sat by myself. In the end he says it wasn't that he didn't love me. He said he wasn't truly ready to "settle down" and not go out and stuff. Well had I been more the type to enjoy that lifestyle then we would have gotten along better. But I am more of a homebody. I like to be home making dinner and chilling out at home. Like I said, sometimes is fine!! I like being social too. But I know he has found someone more like him and that is good. She seems to like going out like he does far more than I ever did. I do wonder if she wants a child though. She is a little younger than me. I can't help but wonder if she wants a child because life does change after a baby comes along. Priorities have to shift. Not my business I know but I do wonder that because if she wants a baby he has to be prepared for the responsibility of being a father and husband BOTH. I mentioned a while ago that I'm sure she must be hoping for a ring. She seems to adore him, and I'm happy that he has someone who loves him and cares for him. I just hope he is happy too. He said he knows that she wants a ring. But he also knows she does not want him out so much (he told me this) so he has to decide if he wants to be a "married man" or live a life of a bachelor for the rest of his life. He can't have both. She seems to be a good fit for him so I hope he can settle down.

I clearly know, though, why it didn't work for us. And that is okay. He gave me our son so it was meant to be for that time.

Good thing I woke up. The little guy who lives with us is up vomiting and I heard him. Poor kid puked all over himself. Must be going around. My son had the same on Sunday. Luckily it seems to pass quickly.

Pity party. I guess we all have them. I wish I had the family I want. The one God knows I have always dreamed of. A happy healthy solid family with a husband and wife who love each other a lot. Emotionally healthy. Strong. Dedicated. I've always wanted that so being alone hurts. I did not have it with my son's dad. I hoped I'd find it in the future. I met James and he turned out to be everything I had ever dreamed of. Seriously. It was like a dream come true. He wanted marriage, liked being married and in a strong loving committed relationship. Liked my son and said he could learn how to be a dad-figure. He said he could see us all together as a family. He wanted us together every day. And he said he could see us having a child together. Perfection. Like hitting the lottery especially because I was completely in love with him too. I felt I'd been lucky enough to finally find the right man for me. He seemed to understand and accept that I'm quirky. He seemed to really like the person I am and that was refreshing.

Being without him is tearing me up inside. I battle daily the urge to drink in order to dull my emotions. Right now I'm trying to learn how to live with the ache because it is going nowhere fast. I don't know what to do about it. My heart aches for him. Yes I could probably go find someone else to make a family with. But I don't want someone else. I want James. Yes I'm stuck on him. I can't help that. I want the dreams we discussed. I wish I could talk with him again. This is not "normal" in any way. We should be able to talk together. I don't understand how I can reach out to any other person I know and get a response but with James it is different. I'm still trying to accept this connection and I'm not doing the best job. I want him to be my sweet boyfriend and friend again. There is not one other person from my past I could not say hello to and get a friendly REAL response. It should be no different with him because nothing happened between us to change the fact that we are friends who love and care for each other. I'm upset because I know we love and care about one another and people who care about each other communicate and talk and keep in touch. It makes me feel out of my mind. I know truth. I know he is a good man and we love each other. I feel like that should be reflected in life right now. He is strong and good. I'm doing my best. My heart aches deeply and has this entire time we have been apart.

I don't want people contacting me telling me I should not feel like I do. THIS IS HOW I FEEL. If you disagree with how I think or what I believe in then that is fine. I can handle a difference of opinion. But please don't write to me telling me that I need to let go of wanting James. Or that I'm not supposed to "be in love with him" like I have to somehow get past the fact that we have kissed and been naked together and made love and discussed marriage and a family together. I literally am unable to not want that or let it go. I can't. My God if I could do something that would release me from this longing and hoping and what others see as "attachment" but I see only as "I'm totally in love with him and want him back in my life" then I would have already.

On "Once Upon A Time" many seasons ago Snow White was offered some magic pills that would erase the memory of her long lost love. That way she would not feel the heartache any longer being without him. I don't think I could take the pills. I'd LOVE to wake in the morning and feel no ache!! No "missing him" or dying inside from longing for his beautiful presence in my life. Oh. My. God. It has been a long time since I've not felt all those strong emotions. To be able to erase the ache would be a blessing.

But not if it meant I would have to erase remembering James at all. Seeing his bright smiling adorable self walking towards me to hug me on our first date. Asking to hold my hand and walking through my neighborhood holding hands and talking, looking at the full moon. Blue moon. Birthday gift. Our kisses. Those innocent dear loving long sweet pure genuinely loving patient kisses. I could not bear to erase the memory of all our goodness together or my memories of spending time with James. Especially "My Favorite Day" when he arranged to spend the day with me and my son. I hold the memory of that day close to my heart. I could not take the magical pills even if it meant waking up with no longing or wanting.

I do wish I was strong enough to only feel love for him and nothing else. No missing or aching or wanting. I wish I could master all that, ascend past my human wants and desires but I don't see that happening in this lifetime and I really don't want to come back here again once I die. Once I die and have fulfilled this human experience the best I can, shit, I want eternal bliss. Love. Nothing else. I never said I wanted to be perfect or achieve some kind of spiritual perfection. That is not me. I want to be loving, be loved, be love- and be happy. I do want my dreams to return to me. I pray, wish and hope to hear from James soon or see him. I want to see his smiling face again. I love him so much.

I am gonna try to get back to sleep. I hope you all are having sweet dreams.

Jennifer

Now

Nearly ever morning I pass where I met James. Nearly every morning I look over and can imagine seeing him walking towards me with a big beautiful smile on his face. It is the same spot where he kissed me goodnight at the end of our first date. It is also the same bar where I met him last year to see him again. I had not been there since I'd met him and I won't go back unless it is to meet him again. My heart would not be able to take sitting there remembering being next to him, smiling and talking. Being blessed with his presence. A few times I have almost stopped in alone so I can close my eyes and imagine meeting him. Silly right? But it was so fucking great to see him walk through that door last spring. To finally see his sweet face again was like a dream come true. Granted I was nervous but still, no matter what, seeing his bright smile and blue eyes and hearing his sweet voice was more than I can explain. It felt awesome.  I wanted touch him. I don't mean like sexual. I mean I was sitting there wanting to touch him and not knowing if I should. A hand on his arm or touching his hand. When he laid his hand on top of mine for a moment it was like an electric shock for me. James has sexy strong hands. I love his hands... they feel amazing.

When we went to my house and sat to talk like we had before, well my mind was pretty blown. It was sweet how he moved because he wasn't on "his side." I enjoyed talking with him but I was nervous. He was fine. Kind. Friendly. I thought I might melt into a puddle of goo each time he made eye contact with me. I can't help it. He is so beautiful to me. Everything about him is beautiful to me. It was like a miracle to finally have him there with me. In my house on my couch like before. We made some small talk, if talking about the space shuttle is small talk.

He is adorable. Seriously.  I miss my scientist.

I'm pretty sure he asked me about my son. I wish I would have shown him a picture of PJ.

I wish he was with us, now.

But then, while sitting on my couch, he pulled me to his chest and held me. And I wish with all my might to go back to that very moment and revel in it fully because at that moment I was out of my mind. But it felt perfect. Right. Good. Us. REAL. Having him hold me in his arms pulled into him felt more right than right. That felt real, like how we should be. That is our truth and I know it. I wish I would have been still. I wasn't. I was nervous and sadly I still feel I was a bit on the defensive. If I ever get that same blessed opportunity again I will sit wrapped in his lovely arms silently while totally enjoying the nearness of him. For that moment I felt safe and comforted with him like the weeks we spent together. Truth.

Then he kissed me. *sigh* 30 months. I had dreamed about kissing him for 30 months. I miss his sweet tender sexy kisses!!! So to feel him turn my face to his and kiss me again was literally, again, a dream come true. I'd asked God to see James again about a million times since I had last seen him. And to kiss him. So feeling his warm embrace and his sweet kisses just like before was enough to nearly make me pass out. It did kinda feel like a dream. Another favorite memory.

Sometimes we have experiences where only we know the truth about what is happening or being felt. I know he loves me. I could feel his love and his desire both even though we didn't say too much which is fine. I was happy to have him back in my arms kissing me again.

I still don't clearly understand how that happened. I only know it did. And he was pretty much the James I knew before. Soft gentle touch. Smiley. Tender. Sweet. He was friendly and good to me. He loved me. I am so grateful that for whatever reason he was able to see me and hold me and love me again.

We are told to "live in the now." To enjoy the right now because it is all we really have. I try my best. Thankfully I have my wonderful child because he makes my life worth living. I think if I was going through this without my son I may have chosen to cut off the planet early.  My "right now" is much much easier to handle having PJ with me. But still my "now" aches. My now needs James in it.

Bringing my old good memories to mind is necessary for me to always remember who James really is and the love we shared together. Truth. Nights and nights full of hours of sweet kisses. Adorable kissing, like two kids making out on the couch. Innocent really. Totally loving each other. Celebrating knowing each other and being close to each other. We liked being close to one another.

We were only good together. And he is my twin soul. My strongest mirror. Out connection is unique. That is why I hold on. That goodness and love between us never ended. And I wish he and our love and goodness was back in my life, now.

Living in the now would be much happier for me if my now had James in it. I miss the love of my life. He is the love of my life. My life would finally feel complete with him in it. His future, like he used to call me. That is what I dream about most, having a future with him.

Jennifer

Monday

I have a bad case of the Mondays!  I am looking forward to the holiday break.  I'll have extra time to be with my son which is always nice too.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I won't elaborate much but it was too much drama for me.  One of those days you can't wait to leave behind you.  In the evening though my son came home from being with his dad and I made a nice dinner, well two dinners so we have a few dinners for the week, and I put up the tree.  My son and the kids who live with us decorated the tree and put out the Christmas decorations, which I was in no mood to take care of so it worked out well, and the day ended fine.

I don't have much Christmas spirit.  I'm currently faking it for the sake of my child. 

I really have no idea what to say about this right now.  I miss James a lot.  I think of him often, obviously.  I sure wish he was in my life.  I've written so much about the reason for the silence, and I honestly believe that it is not a conscious choice.  I believe with all of my heart that James would rather talk with me than stay quiet.  But that still does not help the fact that I miss him so much, and it hurts.  I don't mean to be a baby about it.  It just makes me feel sad that I can say "Merry Christmas" to anyone I know, or email them or text them or call them to talk- and get a response but only with this one single person it is different.  The one person I want to talk to most in the whole world.

Who wouldn't be sad?

I woke up this morning and missed him so much.  I remember every last little sweet thing about him, and he is so damn cute.  He has a beautiful face.  Gorgeous blue eyes.  A great smile.  He's entirely handsome... perfect.  Not that looks are everything but he's what I want and it aches.  I ache for him.  I remember how sweet it was to have that amazingness near me, in my arms, kissing him and hugging him and being close to him.  I remember all of the sweet kind loving things he would say to me, and it is bittersweet to remember.  I am not "dwelling."  It is just good for me to remember who he really is, and he really was very wonderful to me.

Perfect, for me.  Perfect for me.

James told me he loves me like a million times in the time we were together.  And more than that, he showed me too.  I can't get over it.  You just can't understand!  You can't understand how it feels to know THAT is truth and this is not.  It drives me out of my mind.  He called me very cute little name, and I particularly liked "honey."  I can still hear his voice in my head telling me, "I love you honey."  He has a kind voice.  That is a good word to describe it.  He is like all "guy" but he is also gentle.  He was always very gentle with me.

That is what makes me feel like I am living in an alternate {and often wrong} universe.  Because James was super protective of me.  He always checked to see how I was doing or feeling, and he was careful with me.  Like he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable or that I didn't feel nervous.  He always reassured me of his love and affection.  He told me all the time that he enjoyed being with me, enjoyed my company and liked just sitting and holding me and talking to me and kissing me.  He was the definition of a gentleman in every way.

So this is hard for me.  He always enjoyed talking to me, and I know he still likes hearing from me.  It might sound strange but I just know he would speak with me if he could.  He wants to, and I have to remember that because I am just as "bad" as anyone else going through this and sometimes my brain freaks out and I start to doubt his feelings for me.  Yet I know he loves me.  He told me and I know he does.  And this is why I am here, doing this.  Trying.  Wanting him and only him.  I try to not even notice cute men.  Because let's face the facts- I've been pretty much celibate for over three years.  James came back and I made love with him and he's the only man I've made love with since he's been gone.  So... I AM human.  I have to kinda avoid even going out much because I need to stay strong and the truth is it is not always easy.  But I want James.  He is the one I want.  He told me I am his 1%, that only 1% of women are compatible with him but that I am his 1%.  He told me I am the woman he had wished for.  Ugh- I know he meant those things.  And we should still be together.

And I know he is wonderful.  And I miss him and his wonderful love.  So much.  I'd do pretty much anything to be with him again.  I am battling.  Believe me.  I want so much to hear from him again where he is gentle and kind and loving and open.  Like we were before.  Like we should be.  That is us.  We should be talking and laughing and saying Merry Christmas.

When I saw his face this past spring- I could barely believe it.  It was so wonderful to see his beautiful sweet face again and to hear his voice and he hugged me.

He hugged me.  Like, come on.  Come the fuck on!  I know he wanted to see me, was hoping to see me again.  I know it.  And he was happy to see me.  And he wanted to make love to me and hold me and kiss me and be close with me.

And I miss him so fucking much.  SO much.  I cannot control how much I miss him.  I am so entirely in love with James, and it... it is such a challenge.  Of course I freaked out after I saw him.  I got a hit of him and all I wanted was more.  I WISH to have him back in my life where he could just stay with me.  Stay in contact.  Be there.  Like normal.  Like he was when we first met.

That is really all I want.  It is my wish, my one wish, to have him in my life.  I want to live with him and love with him and be married to him and have him as our family.  I want to love him and take care of him and cook for him and make love with him every night and be so so good to him.

All I want to do is love him, but like really love him.  Here in my life and in my BED love him.  I miss making love with James.  When he was here he made love to me, and that was making love.  Real genuine love and I want more of that.  I want to be naked with him.  I want to make him moan.  I want to make him feel so good.  I just want to be close and kissing and making love and talking and laughing and having pillow talk.

Pillow talk.  He loves pillow talk.  When we dated he would not even have sex with me if we did not have time for "pillow talk."  He didn't want it to feel like "sex."  He wanted ample time to love me and hold me and be with me- that is the man he is.

I know this.  And it frustrates me to no end because I am longing and aching to speak with him again.  To know him again.  This is killing me; it aches so deeply.  I feel like I want to climb the walls or scream.  But often I just cry.

I miss having him sit on my couch and touch my face and smile at me and kiss me.  Those kisses.  Ugh- sweet wonderful kisses.  Hours of kisses.  And I want to kiss him again so much.  He is the best kisser and I ache for his touch and his kiss.  It is actually painful, this longing.  And I can't help it.  It is always there, the desire to feel his hands on me, to see his smile, to hear his voice and laugh.  I would love to hear James laugh again.  He has a cute laugh!  And we laughed a lot.  It was so fun being with him, fun.  Because he is friendly and funny and personable.  And he made me laugh.  He made me feel totally comfortable and safe.

Safe.  I felt safe with him, very safe.

It was my own personal heaven having him in my life.  I cannot get past that.  I miss him.  I want him in my life so much.  I miss having him in my life like I did.  He is wonderful.  He is a gift.  Of course I miss him and want him back- who wouldn't?  He treated me like I am precious.  He showed me how much he loves me.  He said the sweetest kindest things to me.  He was generous and kind.  He took the time and made an effort to see me; he made me a priority.  He showed me that he wanted to be with me, that he valued me and thought I was just as wonderful.

I hurt inside.  This aches.  It aches in a way I can't find the right words to explain.  Like something really important and special is missing from my life, and it is irreplaceable.  He is irreplaceable.  I want only him.

I love James.

I wish he was here.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  My heart totally aches for him.  I would do anything to hold him and kiss him and share love with him.  I want him with me forever like we talked about. There is nothing more that I want in the entire universe. 


And that is how I feel. 

All I want for Christmas is you.

Jennifer

Stubborn Love

Maybe you could call my love "stubborn love." 

I love this man.  I love him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night.  And, honestly, I long for the escape of sleep so I go to sleep when my son does but I know I am going to wake a few hours later, thinking.  More thinking.  I can't even explain it.

I was not like this before I met James.  I've always loved hard but not like this.  I was able to let go and move on before.  I care about those people but they are in my past and I am okay with that.  But James?  I love him so much, to where I only want him. And I have never believed in something so strongly.  I believe I am going through some kind of "metaphysical" energetic experience with him.  I can't explain it.  I don't really like the term "twin souls" but we are linked somehow.  No one else out there reflects me like he does.  And I have never loved anyone like this to where nothing matters to me but having him back in my life meaning... nothing that happens {that I don't really like} matters to me, not really.  I will admit some of it is hard to forget although I try really hard not to think of it.  I AM human and my brain rushes off and I have to reign my thoughts in.  But none of those things make a difference to how much I love James or how much I want him back with me.  All that matters to me is him and his love.  I know I will always love him.

But it is these times of quiet that... push me out of my mind.  I go through irritation, frustration, anger over the situation until finally all I really am left with is praying, wishing and trying to stay focused on what I want, those things that are loving and good.  Oh and sobbing or writing on the blog because otherwise I feel like I might explode.

Weird things have been happening to me.  I don't know if they are coincidences or if it is the universe showing me that I will get what I focus on.  The other day I picked my son up from the YMCA and he mentioned something to me.  We talked about this thing for a moment and then the very next day that thing happened.  That very thing, and it was pretty specific.  Also I have noticed if I talk about something or I write about it then I will dream about it.  I know dreams can come from anywhere, from my own mind, but it's just too weird.  I'll write that I want to avoid something, like a habit, and then I will dream of that very thing.  Either it is one big coincidence or else somehow I am thinking/writing/saying something and it is either happening or else I'm dreaming about it.

So what does this show me?  Definitely only focus on what I wish to see more of in my life. 

Do you have an fucking idea how challenging that is?

I am so freaked out about this that I refuse to use specific examples here.  Except to say I would love some extra cash right now to catch up on my finances and to get some things done around my house.  Some home improvements would be really nice.  Paying down some credit.

*sigh*

I'd really love it if James were here with me.  I look back at all of my blog posts and find such deep feeling in them.  I wrote more before.  I don't as much now.  Not in my journals either.  I probably should because when I write I feel.  And I stay more focused as long as I am not being pissy.  Sometimes when I write here and it is all about how much I love him I feel silly.  But it helps me.  I get so much emotional that wells up inside of me and I don't really have anyone to share it with.  I love James so much, and I do miss him.  I remember how sweet he was to me and how hard we fell in love and how wonderful it was to share time with him and then I cry.  I cry because we miss the ones we love when we wish to have those people near us.  I wish he was near me.  I wish I could hold him for a very long time.  I wish I could touch his sweet face and kiss his lips.  I want to see his face again, his beautiful smile.  I want to hear his voice.  I dream of us being like we were when we met, back when this felt real and easy.  It was real.  And easy.  Truth.  We were two nice people meeting and enjoying each others company.  Normal and right.  I look back and it aches to remember how easy it was with him.  He is easy to talk to!  Easy to be with.  Peaceful.  I could talk with him for hours and I felt comfortable with him.  I really did, at ease.  When we were together I felt "home."  He was fun to be with.  Friendly and silly.  We smiled and laughed a lot.  He joked with me but never at my expense.  He was respectful to me, gentle.  Considerate.  My brain just can't comprehend all of this.  James and I are meant to be how we were then.  Together and loving each other.  We should be talking!

And kissing.  We kissed a lot and it was great and I love kissing him.  I am aching to kiss him!

That's what blows mind mind.  We should be talking, kissing, holding hands and being all loving and sweet together.  I've told the universe and I think I've told James that the day I hear from him and he sounds like "himself" again is the day I will believe that what I am being told is "the truth."  The full truth.  I know how the man I met and fell in love with "feels."  He feels soft and understanding. Loving. Warm and caring.  Respectful.  Mature yet kinda silly.  He would be caring and kind to me, and definitely understanding.  Compassionate.  When I hear from that person then I will know I am talking with James, the James I know.  I miss James so very much.

I sound like a broken record I know but seriously I fucking ache to be with him.  I want the truth.  I want who I know he is.  He told me he loves me and to accept that, and I do.  I do accept it but I surely wish I could know him in my life again.  When it comes to this situation what matters to me is him, him and me together.  Us.  I do care about James and his happiness.  I hope wherever he is right now he is happy and doing well.  But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and I know he loves me.  And when you love someone but are away from that person it does not feel good- and I know he misses me.  He said he loves me and always has and he wants me to be in his life.  He's told me he wishes I was with him cuddled in his arms- I know that is the truth.  I want truth now.

And I really can't speak of this to anyone.  There is nothing to say besides I love him.  I do.  I love him and he is the only man I want in my life so I keep on hoping and focusing on what I want which is him.  James.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  I wish I could see him over the holidays.  I want to go on a date with him like we used to, walking and laughing and talking freely, holding hands.  Easy and fun.  That would be the best present ever.  More train kisses.

I keep imagining seeing his face again.  He has a beautiful face.  I thought so from the moment I saw him... bright and shining.  Friendly and cute.  Beautiful.  He's adorable and it really squeezes the fuck out of my heart to think so strongly about him, to want him so much- but I can't help it.  I would do anything to know James again like I did before when things were honest and real between us.  I know we love each other.  Nothing happened to change that love.  It has always been there.  But I really really want to talk with him again.  You have no idea how badly I want to hear my Love's sweet voice.  I pray.  I write.  I sometimes cry and beg God.  Please... I need James back in my life.

And God... I know there is "something" out there that hears me.  It has in the past.  There have been far too many times when I've prayed to "God" and what I have prayed about has shown itself in my life.  So to me that means something is out there and it hears me.  Whether or not I address it is "God" does not make a difference.  Whether or not I address it at all does not matter but old habits die hard so I still talk to "God" because why force myself not to?  And right now I am telling God how much I need James with me.

He once told me he needs me.  He said he needs me in his life.  I feel it is okay for me to say- "I need him."  I really do.  Want or need or whatever- I am not peaceful or content right now.  I try to be as thankful as I can for the blessings in my life but my heart aches for James.  I wish I could be as happy as I was when he was here with me but I know I will only achieve that level of happiness when he is back in my life.  When I can talk with my loving friend again, for real.  I would be so happy to do so.  I would be so happy to look into his eyes and touch his face and kiss him and smile at him and laugh with him again. 

I love James.  I wish he was here with me.  I wish I was looking forward to him coming over to visit me, knowing I'd be able to sit and talk with him and kiss him and laugh with him again.    I wish I could hug him and make him feel good too, show him how much I love him.

I'd really love that, being close with him again.

Jennifer

My Everything

Another song that expresses how I feel.

Today I read something that reminded me so much of James. It sounded like him. Brilliantly expressing an opinion and a response to an article yet respectful. Reading it made me remember what it was like having discussions with him. How he is fact-based and level-headed and has a big warm heart. Memories make me ache.

I began thinking back to all the times we have gotten closer since he has been gone. For a while we'd talk from time to time. And he was sweet. I used to wonder why I would get messages at all hours of the night, like 2AM. He once emailed me the 80's song "Obsession" and told me it made him think of me. He said "You're my obsession Jennifer."

It is hard to realize I had James close many times but I didn't get it. I look back and see how he really wanted to see me and be with me. How we would get on the phone and talk for 4 hours or 3 hours and text for another hour. He told me he loved me and wanted me to be his forever. I think one of the sweetest things he ever told me was that I'm genuine and it is rare and hard to find and he thinks it is what he loves most about me. Genuine.

I'd like to think I'm genuine. Normally with me "What you see is what you get." But I thought it was wonderful that he said he loves me most because I'm genuine. Those are bittersweet memories. I wish I had him back in my life like that, all sweet and warm and sexy and loving and gentle and kind. Fun. He is fun and silly and friendly and sexy all in one. Perfect. I miss my Love.

It is hard for me not to think about how much I love James. I know it has been a while but he is irreplaceable to me. Men like him are the "Once in a lifetime" type. I miss him so much. I think back to when he was here and how he held me and kissed me and how amazing it was to finally see his adorable face again. And to hear his voice and feel his gentle touch. Seeing him again after so long was beautiful. I wish I could see him again. I want to hug him and hold him and kiss him.

I really wish I could hug and hiss him again.

I never knew, before meeting him, that I could ever love a man and miss him as much as I do James.

Good night,

Jennifer