Birthdays

Yesterday was my 45th birthday.  Today is James' 45th birthday.

Yesterday morning was the first time in 4 years I did not absolutely dread my birthday.  I did not feel like I wanted to die from the pain of knowing I met James on my 40th birthday, and that one, two, three and four years earlier I'd walked through my neighborhood holding hands with James feeling like I was walking on air, like it was one of the most magical and best nights of my life but now we are in silence and have not seen or spoken to each other in, well, years now.

Yesterday was the first time in over four years I woke up not thinking about James.  I forgot the whole "I met him five years ago" part.  I just had a nice morning waking up with my sweet boyfriend who told me happy birthday along with my darling son, my blessings.  So what kind of irked me was when I got in the car to drive to work a song played, "Hold On," that brought it all back.

Like WTF?!  I was NOT thinking of James right then.  I did not "manifest" that song being played, a song that totally reminds me.  It immediately thrust me to nearly five years ago when the distance and quiet began.  Back when I was told the song was for us, and it played ALL THE TIME.  It made me sad.  I cried.  And I thought strongly about him and his birthday today.  I was thinking how it would be nice to actually be able to talk to the man and tell him happy birthday.  I was thinking that I really did miss him.  How weird it is to know we were totally thick in the start of falling in love with each other, could not keep our hands off each other, making love, talking, emailing and texting constantly, talking about marriage and a child, dreaming together, and then *poof* gone.  Unbelievable, not normal, not "real."  And forever I will not be able to accept that.  Because at the very least I want to be able to talk to him like normal, for real, two good loving kind people speaking truth to each other.

I should be able to text him and get a reply.  Anyone else in my life I can reach out to and get a response.  As a matter of fact, get a happy response because pretty much everyone in my life is happy to hear from me.  I DID wish him happy birthday.  I did.  I gave up having expectations a long time ago but my poor resilient heart still reaches out from time to time no matter the outcome.  I hope James does have a happy good birthday.  I did.  I had a lovely birthday weekend.  Got together with my friends and they sang me happy birthday.  My boyfriend (who I speak freely to about James) gave me the most beautiful ring- he's such a gift in my life, this man who understands me and accepts me just as I am (flaws, eccentric ways and all.)  My sister's baby shower was this weekend and it was totally fun.  And last night my son and I went out for dinner together, then he read me a chapter from his school book while I worked inside my "new" vintage camper that I am remodeling, both of us working by the light of some lanterns because I could not use an extension cord to plug in because it was raining outside.  Warm, cozy and charming and then I snuggled my son to sleep.  He still loves his mom "cuddle time" and I'll cuddle him every night as long as he still wants me to.

It was a great birthday.  And I hope the same for James.  Wherever he is I hope he is celebrating with friends and family who loves him.  I hope he has a happy birthday.

But I still don't understand why I had to be reminded of him yesterday morning when I was just fine enjoying my calming drive to work.  I don't always like to be reminded.  There are times I want to just sit with my peace of mind and my current joy and NOT be reminded of the thing I don't have that I still love and miss!  For the love of God!  I never wish anything but goodness for James!  I hope he is happy!  I hope life is treating him well!  If he has a significant other in his life I hope she is genuine and kind.

I get so torn over signs like the one I got yesterday.  I can understand getting signs when I am focused on him (manifestation.)  But I don't understand it when I am simply living "in the moment" and enjoying my current life.  Why remind me?  Why do they happen?  The song "Hold On" for me- well it's a hard song.  Because in the past when I feel I was "actively" still "in this" meaning I'd still hear from him, we'd connect once in a while, etc., not long after the silence started I'd hear this song and in my heart I knew it meant "hold on to the real me, don't let my honest memory go, know I am only being your mirror and I'm really the sweet nice dear kind loving boyfriend you met, dated and fell in love with, hold on to the truth that I do love you, and please don't ever let me go."  When I heard it yesterday I got sad because I felt like- did I let him go?  Did I fail?  All I can tell you is when I do think of James I try to only remember what it felt like when we met and dated.  I try to never go beyond that.  I try to focus only on what I know is truth.  Yes I am in a relationship with someone else.  I did not "wait" in that regard but oh well.  Being alone wasn't working out for me any longer.  We all deserve good companions in life even when we are not able to "make it happen" with our twins.  I hold nothing but goodness and love and light in my heart for James.  But I feel that concerning James specifically I must have still had blocks or emotional garbage there, enough that he could not come back to me.  But I did not have that about love itself.  I was clear enough, well enough inside, to allow another good man to come to me, and I appreciate the opportunity to have love in my life even if it is not with my twin soul.  That does not mean I don't love James, and humans are not replaceable.  I love my boyfriend but I love James too.  My boyfriend did not replace James.  Not at all.  That space still exists in my heart and nothing else can fill it.  And, again, when I think of James I really really focus hard on remembering the kind loving generous endearing gentle friendly sweetheart of a man I gave my heart to five years ago.  

And sometimes I don't want to focus on it at all.  I wonder why then the universe keeps reminding me.  What is the point to the reminders?  I feel like there must be a purpose so what it is?

As I was thinking of his birthday yesterday a song played on Sirius XM radio- "Happy Birthday" by a up and coming country singer, Kelleigh Bannen

"Hey, it's me,
I know it's kinda late
But I had to call ya
Just to say hello, catch up
You know I was thinking of ya
Another year older
Another year wiser
Bet you're out the guys
Low key drinking Budweiser
I learned a little too late
You know what they say
I can't have my cake and love you too
Anyway Happy birthday
Happy birthday"

I've never heard this song before.  I was thinking hard so I am not surprised it played.  I was thinking of how nice it would be to tell him happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Along with that I have said this before and I'll say it again- I still ache no matter what.  It's why I sometimes don't want to think about it at all.  I want to escape my pain.  I drink, still.  And it sucks, bad.  I want to stop.  I hate it.  And for anyone who does NOT battle with a "drinking problem" or who does not have a family history of addiction- don't ask "Well then why don't you stop?"  Because I WANT to.  Every day I tell myself "Not going to drink" and more often than not come evening I decide to have a shot.  Or two.  Or five.  Because I have NO off switch.  I can go without drinking.  I can even go out for dinner and have A drink and be okay.  But it's at home with free easy access to an entire bottle- that is when it's bad.  I don't stop.  Until I've had too much, and lately I've had too much.  Enough to where two or three days later my ears still ache.  And I feel cruddy.

And yes it scares me.  I have a wonderful life but drinking has been the hardest thing for me to shake. I've honestly been pretty successful with controlling my thinking, my emotions, the "dark thoughts," and the anger.  I can affirm the shit out of my life and create so much goodness for myself!  I KNOW this, and I do it.  My drinking... I fear it is purely a very strong habit, an addiction.  I don't really get angry anymore when I drink.  I just like the initial buzz that takes the edge off my ache, that lifts my mood past any feeling of "I miss him."  That very first drink lifts me up and that's the bad part because I can't stop there, not when I have alcohol around.

So I am at this shitty place where I have to address with my boyfriend the intensity of my problem.  He loves me a lot and will understand but it is embarrassing AF.  I hide it well.  Actually my body basically just makes me go to bed.  And it's been bad.  James knows- I've drunk text him before, drunk emails.  Never mean.  Nope.  Just... sad.  I text when I'm drunk and missing him so deeply that I want to scream and I tell him the truth, that I miss him and wish I could talk with him and the quiet is still deafening and torturous and I HATE IT because I know he truly loves me, somehow, and loved me dearly and that love never ended.  WE never ended.  We had NO CLOSURE.  Nothing.  No ending.  And I want TRUTH.  TRUTH.  Just truth.  I'd be happy with TRUTH.  Why can't I just hear the fucking truth?  Why can't two people who were madly in love with each other sit down, hug each other, and TALK like two normal kind human beings?  WHY???!!!

Lovely, no?  James knows I drink too much.  No I don't feel like it's why we don't talk.  I know in my heart that no matter what the circumstances are right now, somewhere out there the truth is James loves me unconditionally and he'd understand my problem.  He'd accept it and not judge me.  He'd respect that I know it is a problem, and if we were together he would help me stay sober, or help me stay away from hard liquor- which is my issue.

I'm going to write a song called "The Hard Stuff."  Liquor and heartache- both are "the hard stuff" and we use one to try and erase the other but it never works.  Just like the song I posted from Jason Aldean, his memory drowns the whiskey- the whiskey never really takes away the ache, the bittersweet memories.  The longing to just hold a beloved person in your arms and say "I've missed you."  And I have.  I've fucking missed him.  And while I am not blaming my drinking (on anything but my own issues) on missing James- man, when I ache it is so hard to NOT cave to the bottle.

I gotta do something.  I feel like shit.  And the one and only time I saw James since we "separated" he told me.  He knew I'd been sober for over a year and then I thought "Well fuck it- doesn't matter- I'll be okay if I just drink a little," and when we met we had a beer together.  He said, "I thought you quit drinking."  I think I shrugged.  He said he drinks beers sometimes but he doesn't drink shots.  He looked right at me and said, "Shots are bad for you."  Like he knew.  He knew, obviously, and in his own way he was telling me not to hurt myself.

I know.  And that is why I say I know he'd understand and be kind and loving to me about it, if we actually knew each other.  So will my boyfriend Dave.  Because Dave is a mirror of unconditional love and care in my life.  He is similar to James in that way, made to love me no matter what.  Dave is truly one of the best, a dear hearted man and he will understand.  I told him months back that I feel I drink too much.  He felt I was being too hard on myself.  Dave loves good whiskey (but he doesn't drink 1/4 bottle at a time) so there typically is whiskey in my house.  But that is going to have to change.  Because it is two full days since I drank and I still hurt, and I know that signals bad things.  I AM smart enough to know this.  I'm not hating on myself.  I'm not going to shame myself but I am going to say I am thankful to be blessed and protected that nothing bad has happened to me and I'd like to stop this.  But in order to stop it I need help.  Like help from those closest to me.  That means my boyfriend because he is the one I see most often.  Big fun.  It's never awesome to have to gut yourself, be totally transparent and bare your deepest weaknesses.  Just fucking ugh.

Dave understands though.  He was drinking a bit too much when I met him, and it was because he misses his wife.  Now thought he deals with it differently since he has me in his life and love helps heal.  I wish it was that easy for me.

Dave's wife is passed on, dead.  He has closure.  He held her and said goodbye.  While there is no comparison I know- still I fell VERY VERY hard in love with James.  I was on cloud nine.  I thought he was the answer to my prayers, my angel.  I began imagining that he would actually end up as the sweet loving fun kind understanding husband I'd prayed for, he was sweet to my son, and he said he wanted me to be the mother to his child.  I allowed myself to dream.  I was immensely in love with him, and then it was all gone.

I had no closure.  There was no goodbye.  There was just "gone."  Call me weak if you want but it is like the one and only thing in my life I cannot get over or heal from.  That "unfinished love" feeling.  No explanation, no discussion.  Moments where he'd be back talking to me like the James I know he is.  And I was so confused, scared, didn't understand the mirroring (no matter how it was shown to me) and all I knew is I loved this person dearly and ached to have him back with me, in my life.

Still. Not. Over. It.

But FFS I have to speak with David and explain that I can't do this.  I can't have whiskey in my freezer.  I do not have the self-control.  I need transparency and support now.  I can't deal with this alone or hide it.

I really am only human, and right now I feel like I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week.  I still feel sick from drinking too much over the weekend, and it gets worse as I get older.  I can only imagine what I am doing to my insides.

I guess my point is no matter what, no matter the whys or hows or that I drink out of habit or to try and take the edge off my ache- it's gotta stop.  I feel so sick.  It's NOT a good feeling.  I know how much better I feel when I do not drink hard liquor.  Shit James was right and I knew he was giving me a "message" when he told me "shots are bad for you."  Yeah, I know.

And I hope "God" or my soul or whatever it is up there that is linked to me realizes, well shit- it's not like I WANT to be like this.  I am not just stubborn.  "It" knows this has been the one thing that that's been the hardest for me to control.  I actually learned to believe I am manifestor and need to control what I'm thinking and focused on.  I actually managed to do that which is a fucking miracle in and of itself- but fuck me the drinking has been physically the hardest thing to control.

It's upsetting to me.  I wish it was easier.  I really will try very hard now- because I'm feeling very crappy.  I'm not being stubborn.  I'm pretty wiped out.  I don't feel well.  Somehow I'm strong enough to function, and I have to, but it would be so much easier if I did not drink so much.

I envy those people who can have a drink or two but have no issues with alcohol.  Good for them.  I've honestly been binge drinking all the way since... I was about 22.  On and off.  More on these last 15 years.

God help me.

My life is wonderful but I still ache.  I wish I didn't.

Jennifer

ETA~ I *am* blessed.  I spoke with my boyfriend and explained that mayyybeeee I have a wee bit more of a problem than he realizes I do (I guess I hide it well.)  He said he totally understands and will respect my wishes, no problems, no questions just supportive, and I only have to talk about it with him if I want to.  I really don't want to.  I just know I live better without an easy supply of whiskey near me.  I knew he'd be supportive.  Because I have a good man in my life as my mirror.  He really does treat me how I should be treated, and how I feel inside.  So that's a good thing.

I believe James was meant to be that for me too.  I guess one of the difference is now at this point in my life I am able to ONLY be thankful and appreciative instead of worrying or doubting.  

Thoughts

Not long ago a reader left me a comment that I did not post.  She told me I should let go and move on.  She said if James was choosing to move on and not reply then I should do the same.

I appreciate people reaching out to me, and I totally know not everyone understands my beliefs.  No one else has walked in my shoes so how could anyone else understand what I've been through?  That said, I don't go on the blogs of other people and tell them how they should feel or what they should do.  I don't think that's the right thing to do.  I share how I feel here for anyone else who might be feeling the same way, or in the same place as me in this twin soul/twin flame journey.

What does "letting go" even mean?  Let go of what?  Of the hope that one day I can see James again and have a normal real caring conversation with him again?  No, I can't "let go" of that.

I feel I have "moved on" to a point.  I live my life.  I share my love with another man who is caring and wonderful, and I do love him.  But how else should I move on?  Forget entirely I suppose.  Stop hoping.  But that is not me.  I KNOW what happened between me and James was not normal or real and I won't be fully settled inside until it is resolved.  I need some kind of resolution from James himself.  A discussion.  Some truth and reality.  I need to sit down and talk with the man I know he truly is, the man I met five years ago.

Right now is a sensitive time for me.  I began talking with James in August, and we met 8-20.  I don't care how long it's been- I still remember it.  The mild summer nights, the clear skies with all the stars, the constallations, all remind me of him.  Of my time spent with him.  And it is bittersweet because it still makes my heart ache since I don't know him anymore.  I still miss him, and no amount of "letting go" or moving on will fix that.

Who truly can control their emotions, their heart? Not me.

And I've never believed he wanted to leave me. He loved me. A lot.

Think before you post your replies. I am not asking for your opinion. Nor your advice. I'm merely sharing how I feel and sharing my experience.

I had two cats when I dated James. They always wanted to be hanging around us. After making love we would come out of the bedroom and there they'd be waiting expectantly for us to emerge. One night he threw open the door and said "kitties!!!" Sadly tonight I put my one remaining cat to sleep, my black sweet darling kitty I've had for 14 years. My son asked to be with me when it happened. It has been an exhausting evening for both of us and I'm ready for bed.

I Still Miss Him

Hello.  I'm writing here so I can share my heart openly and fairly anonymously.  Nothing new really.

My heart is heavy today.  I feel like I need to cry.  How do I explain how I feel?  I have such a wonderful blessed life, and I do not take that for granted.  I am thankful for all of my blessings.  My life really is a beautiful life.  My career is flowing along wonderfully.  I am successful in everything I set out to achieve.  I have the sweetest son, great friends and family, good health... really everything is great.

But still all of that does not or has not stopped this sad feeling I have over James.  I try not to think about it much but it's hard not to.  So I have this really sweet affectionate man in my life.  He adores me.  I love him; I really do.  I care about him dearly.  We see each other every day.  He thinks I am an angel.  Seriously- I don't think I could do a thing wrong in this man's eyes.  He is SO so good to me.  I am thankful to have him in my life.  He's been a blessing.

The difficult part is he is not the exact person I wanted.  I wanted James.  I met James.  I fell in love with James.  I was totally in love with James, in the middle of the strong beginning of a love relationship with him, real genuine healthy love, and I DID NOT UNDERSTAND MY ENERGY.  All I knew was I loved him and that scared me.  I was scared to lose him because that was my fear.  And I did not know "manifestation" was real.  I did not know back then to focus only on enjoying James and being thankful for him.  There was so much I didn't know.  And it hurts now.  It hurts so much because I never wanted to be apart from James.  He was very good to me.  I only had a short time with him so there is no comparison but the time we DID share together was wonderful.  I know my memories are real.  I remember James, and he was so very sweet to me.  I wanted that relationship to flourish.  I wanted him to be my husband!  I wanted the "Sushi on the beach" wedding. I wanted to have him as my husband.

I can't talk marriage with Dave.  I cannot bring myself to do it.  We make plans for trips together.  We speak of the future, like the things we are going to do, but he knows I can't talk about marrying him and he tells me he is okay with that.  He says if a day comes where that changes then he'd be happy but for now he's also happy with the way things are.  He knows, and this may sound harsh to anyone reading this, but he knows the only other man I would ever want to talk to is James.

I am feeling weepy and sad today.  I miss James so much.  Sometimes it is easier than others.  No one can understand (unless they have experienced it) how it feels to be deeply in love with a person, in a giddy happy exciting loving amazing committed relationship and then suddenly that person is gone.  It hurts.  A lot.  Even five years later.

It's challenging to find the right words to explain how I feel.  Being thankful for having David in my life even if he is not James.  But what do you do when you love someone, hope for that person, even have that person tell you that he does love you, but then... continued separation and no contact?  I was choosing to stay single.  Then Dave just kinda fell into my life and me into his, and here we are.  And yes we are happy together.  I have a ton of fun with him and I care about him.  I love David.  I can't justify not sharing my life right now happily with David because I love someone who I have not seen or had a "real" conversation with in a long time.

If I was alone I know I'd be pretty sad, lonely and miserable- five years into this twin soul journey.  So seeing as I was (for whatever reason) unable to "bring James back to me" I do feel very blessed and lucky that I had someone as wonderful, kind, sweet, caring and loving as David come into my life.  Maybe not everyone is blessed enough to meet two genuinely good men and because I have done so I am thankful.  I still love and miss James though.  It's out of my control; I can't control my heart.  It's been ten months now since I met Dave and I still feel the same way I did when I met him.  I love and miss James as much now as I did then.  Sharing love with another man has done NOTHING to ease the ache in my heart or slow how much I love James.

What sharing love with another good man has done is add joy and happiness to my life, and that is a wonderful blessing.  But I hope anyone reading this can understand this- I experience many different emotions at one time.  I feel happiness, gratitude, enjoyment, heartaches and sadness all at the same time.  And I have to ALLOW myself to feel all of those emotions.  None of them are "bad" emotions.  If I try to block out the sadness then days later it assaults me.  If I don't allow myself to fully appreciate, enjoy and embrace the love I have in my life right now then I get edgy and I feel... frustrated.

I am always working on a balance.  How to enjoy my life right now while honoring my heart.  In my heart me and James did not end.  He may have been gone but our love exists.  That is how I feel.  I was never told different.  One of the last things James told me was he did love me and had loved me all along, that I was right.  And I knew I was right.  I knew James truly did love me.

In the past I think I "ran" from time to time.  There were times when I thought about meeting someone else mainly to "distract" or yeah, I guess kind of "run away" from the twin soul thing.  At those times I always felt like I was shown to NOT run, not be with anyone else.  So it was odd when I met Dave because I swear I was in this mindset of staying alone.  I wanted James and only James.  I was feeling more alive and well, ready to enjoy my life, so I was getting out and doing things but I told anyone who approached me that I was not interested in a relationship because "I was in love with someone else."  I came to a place where I did not care how odd that sounded.  It was my choice, honoring my heart.  I told David the same thing!  I told him I could not be in a relationship with anyone else because I loved this other man, and I felt that if this man ever did come back I'd want to be with him so how could I be with anyone else?  I had to be honest.  I learned in this twin soul experience that honesty is always best, necessary actually.  So I do my best to be as honest as I can be.  Dave said he understood but asked me to let him "love me anyway."  Knowing that I still love James, knowing that I still hold this hope that one day I'll be able to see him again.  I truly feel David is an angel in human form, brought to me when I needed a soul mate to help me find my joy again.  AND (I meant to make a point here so let me connect my thoughts) I DO NOT feel like I am "running" from anything in loving Dave and sharing life and love with him.  I did not really CHOOSE this.  It just came to me- I still can't fully explain it. 

I gotta be honest.  I still drink more than I should.  I'm not thrilled with it.  I don't get "drunk."  I really try to have moderation- but I tend to want a drink or two to take the edge off how much I miss James.  It is always there.  No matter how happy and fun my life is, how much Dave totally adores me and showers me with love and affection, no matter all of my blessings- no matter that I TRULY am grateful for all of the goodness in my life I still miss this man I love.

I don't know what to do, actually.  I don't know what to tell you.  I tell God all of this, all of my gratitude for the overflowing blessings in my life, love, joy, peace, abundance- all of it.  I have the best friends and family anyone could ask for.  I always have good money.  My life is carefree and blessings always come to me.  I tell God thank you.  And I enjoy my life while also reminding God that I can't help but love James and miss him and I still feel like he should be a loving caring part of my life.  I know I am free to enjoy my life how it is right this moment, and I do.  But at the same time I still hold on to the love I have for James, our good memories, our love, and the hope that one day James and I will be together.  I can't help that I still love him and miss him.  Or that I remember him, and I do.  I remember meeting him, talking with him, getting to know him, laughing with him, feeling so giddy in love.  We could not keep our hands off each other.  I looked forward to every single moment with him, every word exchanged, every touch, every kiss.  One thing I will always hold dear about James is how he waited for me, patiently.  His long sweet patient tender kisses, him touching my face as he brought me to him for a smiley kiss.  How he went out of his way to come visit me knowing that we were going to sit on my couch and talk and kiss, but only talk and kiss.  I still love how he was so respectful of me and my need to wait a bit before making love, unspokenly he sweetly and gently would kiss me and hug me and be close, kissy and good, talking and giggling but never asking for more, and that was just so special.  He gave me that gift and I will always cherish that about him.

It was really REALLY hard for me to make love with anyone besides James.  Being with Dave was not a decision I made lightly.  It was (luckily) not some drunken lustful silly choice.  I knew David was hurting over the loss of his wife.  I knew she had been very ill for a while before she passed away.  He's genuinely a sweet gentle guy with a soft heart and I did care for him.  I told myself if he would going to make the huge choice to be with someone else after his wife then it should be me instead of someone who could hurt him or make him totally regret taking that step.  It was unexpected and bittersweet for both of us.  But it was (and is) also very clear genuine love that comes from a good place and I feel good about that.  I feel good because I told myself I'd never be with anyone "less" after being with an angel, and I felt James was an angel.  A man who totally waited for me, who respected me, who was patient and kind- 110% patient and kind.  A real bright genuine healthy good love.  I refused to ever "dishonor" our love or my beautiful experience with him, him reminding me how worthy I am.  It's sweet but different with Dave.  Sometimes I feel like I am in his life to help heal his heart, and his heart hurts bad.  Love is healing, and I do love him.  But it was not an easy choice to be intimate with someone who is not James.  I still remember him, and I can't say I don't think about kissing him or hugging him.  I love two different men, and really in two different ways.  With David I feel he is more my friend than my lover.  With James he was my everything- friend, lover, and who I wanted to marry.  I am thankful for both of them though.  I just still miss James and I don't think that would ever go away unless he was actually back here with me, in my life, and I did not have to miss him any longer.

It is time to drive home and have a good cry.  They say tears are memories that well up and escape from our eyes for people we miss.  That is the only reason why I cry, because I really miss someone I love.

XxOo

Jennifer

Good Powerful

Damn I wish I could go back to five years ago knowing what I know now about the power of thought, emotions and manifestation.  I would have brought James into my life and kept him there.  But five years ago I had no idea.  I just prayed very heavily for what I wanted and then he came to me.  So I attracted and allowed to me what I asked for.  He must have been asking for something similar (he told me the had "hoped and wished" for a woman like me and then I came to him.)  Sad part is since I had deep-seated fears concerning "not being worthy enough for a good man to want to keep me forever" I ended up sending him out to my life.  I know I created that.  Now if James were to read this all he'd probably remember is making the choice to move away, and then going quiet, and then some coming and going and and and.  I don't think he'd realize that the opportunity for him to go away partially came about because I worried about him going away.  I think mainly the opportunity happened because I accidentally created it.  *sigh*  Sucks, right?

It still hurts.  I don't like to focus on what I did, and I no longer get mad at myself because I did not know.  I see how some force, a force I call "my higher self," tried to show me the RIGHT way, the way of joy and happiness and true love, but I was too scared to grasp what I was being told.  I give my higher self a lot of credit for trying so hard.  When I reflect back on it all- I want to weep.

Regret is a difficult emotion.  I regret what I did because a dear man I fell very hard in love with disappeared from my life and the loss has left a hole in my heart that no one else can ever fill, not totally.  I explained this to the man who is in my life right now.  A while back we discussed this and I told him- it just hurts because no one and nothing else can ever fill this space that is left from James being gone.  He said he understands, and I know he does.  He is not a "replacement."  He is instead a different love in my life.  A good love, but quite frankly it is not the same, and it still aches, deeply.

I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that I don't write that often because, well, it still hurts.  I am not sure what to say.  James is still on my mind daily.  I still miss him.  I still ache to see him.  I still dislike what happened between us and despite it teaching me (finally) that manifestation is 110% REAL (and that I'd better respect it and live my life by its rules) I can't help but long for what I lost.  I appreciate what I've learned but I still grieve him.  I mourn losing him.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

I've said before on here, I love two men.  One is sweet, kind, loyal, easy, adores me entirely and is physically here in my life.  I suppose he is my mirror too.  I am a good loveable person and he shows that to me.  But I also still love James.  And David is not James.  I can't really help that there are times I miss James' particularities so much that I cry.  It was different.

So please don't read my blog and think I somehow "got over it" or "left it behind."  I have not.  I don't know how.  Knowing James, and all the stuff that happened for like three and a half years, made too much of an impact on my life for me to "get over it."  I did not "let go" when I allowed another love into my life. 

Quite honestly I just let myself be loved by a good man, but still a good man who is not the man I wanted most.  That is honesty.

I tried hard.  I feel I tried to the best of my ability to use my energy and love and anything I thought was right to "magically" be with James again.  It wore me down and the lack of him in my life made me really sad, and sometimes the sad feeling, the hurt, made me mad.  The addition of David in my life makes living far more enjoyable again.  Even though he is not James.  That's the brutal truth.  I don't think I could continue to survive alone while longing and aching and hurting over someone who was not here.  I needed that love in my life.  I care about David.  I love him.  At the same time it is not the same.  I don't need to tell Dave this- he already knows without it being expressed in words.  Just like I know I am no replacement for his dear late wife yet there is no reason for him to say it out loud.  I suppose in the end "love heals" pain.  Dave's love has helped heal some of my pain but it has not lessened the love and longing I have for James.

That leads me to sharing that I still hope to see James again.  I will admit that I sometimes get torn over this.  But Dave has told me he supports me seeing James and talking to him.  He knows I love James and I need SOMETHING.  We don't discuss it in depth.  David knows, clearly, that I have (and he does too) some kind of "manifestation" power, and he does not take it lightly.  He watches me attempt to live my life from a place of being kind in my heart and mind, even about those who "push my buttons."  I am not perfect but when I go off track I try to get myself back on quickly.  I do this because I CLEARLY KNOW what the power of my negative thinking can do to my life.  I know amazing effects amazing positive kind loving thinking can have on my life- so I try hard to maintain that kind energy.  Like right now I am dealing with an on-going issue with one of my employees.  This person used to be my equal and she threw me under the bus repeatedly.  When our old director retired and I was blessed with a new fresh start this person, the employee in question, went to the new boss and aired all my past "stuff" to her although I was working very hard (and praying for, affirming and journaling) towards creating a good new positive start for myself at work.  In the end her steps backfired on her because it made her look bad.  And since that time I am now the new director, and I am her direct supervisor.  I have to be very VERY conscious of my intentions with her because her work performance is simply not "up to par."  I have been praying, affirming, that I wish the best for her but I also need her to either perform or find a job she enjoys better than this one.  What I try to be very aware of, though, are my EMOTIONS and INTENTIONS concerning her.  I've had to give her constructive criticism and now will most likely need to take it further, formally documenting negative performance.  But I tell God that I forgive her for our past and all I want is for her to perform well and with respect.  That is all.  And if she cannot do that (she does not like her job much) then hopefully something she likes better, that maybe even pays more and is closer to her home, will come available to her.  I watch my intentions closely so I don't slip into anything dark.  I cannot help it that "real life" steps have to be taken that might not feel good to her but I try to do them with the best of intentions.  I hope to give her the push necessary to taker her job (career really) more seriously or find something different that would fulfill her life more.  Unfortunately there are not many jobs out there that pay people to sit on the beach, ha, but if there is one I hope she finds it.

I explain this because intention is very important.  Emotions are super important.  If I were to be kind to her face but black in my energy towards her, or hating on her in my conversations about her, etc., then it is not only unfair and hurtful but also it would create bad shit for my own life, and I am not willing to do that.  So I try my best.  But David knows this and sees me try.  It is not always easy trying to live from a place of goodness always.  Let me tell you.  I flipped someone a hard bird the other day, and I yelled at a woman in the store who was shaking her head at me because I was reprimanding my child for asking me for something for the 27th time.  I told her to come shake her head at me in my face, and that I am not raising an asshole child so I WILL correct him if I want to, even in public (and all I was doing was telling him to PLEASE STOP while I was trying to focus on the task at hand, that task being buying us a freaking pool!)  I'm not Mommy Dearest but I do correct him when I need to, and apparently society does not like this and thinks we should simply coddle our children and let them speak out of turn and give them every single thing they ask for even when they've been told "Do not touch ONE MORE THING while we are shopping today!"

On that note though, I never say bad shit to my kid.  Well, I do tell him "You are making me nuts right now!  Please be quiet just for a bit!" because (like me) he is an incessant talker but he also makes noises, unconsciously.  Normally I am okay with it and realize it is just who he is, and OMG he is a super dear loving kind fun amazing brilliant creative social friendly funny endearing adorable little man!  He is SO super friendly, kind and wonderful!  But he's also special.  He discusses stuff a lot.  He "imagines" and then shares all the stuff he's working out in his brain.  The stuff he wants to build, the train depot he wants to own when he's older, on and on.  Once in a while though I can't focus when he's talking and... anyway this weekend I yelled at a lady who was standing in line and told her to "mind her business" because I'm going to parent how I choose to.  Yet I parent well.  I do have to reroute his loveable behavior at times but my son knows I mean well.  He tells me all the time that I am the best mom in the world, and he knows I do not say "mean" things to him.  I can get a little frustrated sometimes, lol, but I just say stuff like "Come on man move faster, let's go!" and I don't use words like stupid, etc.  Or bad boy.  I never call him a bad boy, ever.  Words hold power.

But again, I am not perfect.  I just try to brush myself off and move on quickly.  And keep good intentions.  That is why I journal my affirmations often to keep my thoughts straight.

So, this Neville Goddard.  If you are interested in knowing about manifestation and what to do in order to attain a happy blessed future then read about him.  One thing I want to stress is this- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WHAT WE HAVE DEEMED AS PERFECTLY IN ORDER TO BE BLESSED.  You can eat a cheeseburger or cake.  You can relax all day.  You can take a mental health day and indulge in a massage.  You can have a beer.  If it does not actually harm you (think hard drugs or unprotected sex with someone that is going to leave you feeling less than good about yourself tomorrow) then do it.  Do what makes you happy.  It is the feeling of joy from the act that brings about goodness- and be thankful for the thing bringing you joy, even if it is a delicious slice of Chicago pizza.  If going to church brings you happiness then go for it!  But if you go to church out of obligation or guilt, and if you dread it and hate going- then do NOT do it.  Understand?  Same with working out.  If you work out and hate every single minute of it then either find a way to enjoy it or find a different way to get your exercise, maybe swimming or biking. 

Neville Goddard in the image above said don't worry about how it comes to you.  Just know what you want, and feel that thing.  Know the dream you have.  And don't worry about how it will come to you because a power bigger than the "human you" will make it happen.  So this is how I think about wanting to see James again and having a good talk with him, or even wanting to have him in my life again.  I cannot worry about how that would all work out.  If I do I will get scared or fret.  Instead I am trying to just allow myself to feel how good it would be to see his bright smiling face again and have him hug me with love and care.  To hear his gentle voice and see his blue eyes and hear him speak kind loving words to me again, like he once did- that would feel SO right, so good and so amazing after all this time, knowing the kind loving dear man I met.  I tell myself even if it is the only thing I can do, recalling his goodness, affirming who I know he truly is, even after all this time, and holding onto the hope of seeing him, knowing how wonderful it would be- maybe one day my heart's desire will be shown to me again, how I remember him from when we met on my 40th birthday under the blue moon.

xxoo

Jennifer

Manifestation

I remember when my guidance told me that my life was like that of a butterfly and at that moment, about six years ago, I was crawling low to the ground like a caterpillar but one day I would go through a metamorphosis and transform into a butterfly so I would have wings and could fly.

Then I met James and he told me he had a dream that I was really a butterfly and not a homo sapien, and I almost shit myself!  Oh, how magical life has been for me.  But oh... how I had utterly no idea what was to come!

For anyone who might read this I want to make a few comments on energy and manifestation, and this is all from experience, things that are happening to me.  Take what you will (if anything!) and leave the rest behind.

1. Focus: Anything you focus on, the energy associated with that thing, can and will come back to you somehow.  Over the last year I've sliced a bunch of stuff out of my life.  I pay no attention to politics.  I give no energy to Donald Trump.  I learned that when I read things about him, stuff that upsets me or angers me, things that make me dislike him, it "brews" a very negative energy for me and this attracts chaotic shit in my life.  An example- if I read an article and get pissed off, maybe comment on the article and really feel a negative emotion about it then later that day or maybe the next day I might have a negative interaction with someone.  Like someone in my life might argue with me or be shitty to me.  But that only happens when I've (prior) allowed myself to focus on shit energy.  So now I pay it no attention at all.  I can't change the world.  I'm no social justice warrior.  I try not to have a negative judgment on anything.  I strive to be kind/loving and if I cannot achieve that then neutrality is better than shifting over into negativity/bitterness/hatred/resentment/anger. This means I've unfollowed or unfriended lots of people on social media because I do not want to see or read most of the shit that is shared on there.  It is all re-posting the bad stuff happening in the world and I don't need that.  It is not good for my energy.  I am mindful of all things I give my focus to because I know that I could dream about it later or some example of that thing will show up in my life.  So why not ensure I am ONLY focused on goodness, peace, love, abundance, etc.?  No, I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I am not "avoiding" reality.  I am no Pollyanna.  If something is affecting my REAL LIFE, my own personal life or my son's life or someone close to me then of course I will address it.  I will try to be as neutral inside as I can be as I address it.  But overall I do avoid reading about or listening to stories about or watching on TV anything negative happening in the world.  Instead I put my energy into my own life, into my child, into focusing on "creating" happiness and joy and prosperity in my life.  And to do this I must embrace the moment, be grateful for all the blessings I have right now, focus on what I want to see more of come into my life: peace, beauty, creativity, friendship, love, abundance, etc. On FB I only share funny stuff, positive things, photos of my child, some of my art, etc. 
2. Affirmations: I try to daily do my affirmations.  I do it to create goodness in my life, to be thankful, to keep in mind my blessings, to override any shit energy that could be lurking, and to attract to me more goodness- I do it as a protective measure because I know it works.  I know if I tell the universe "My life is awesome and every day just gets better and better" and if I don't do anything during the day to negate that affirmation then yes my life will get better and better.
3. Mindfulness: I have to be mindful to not speak shit about anyone or anything.  I seriously must live from a place of kindness.  Now this does not mean I must take shit from someone.  If a person was to be treating me badly or draining me of energy then I could, and have, cut contact with that person but with neutrality.  I don't have to hate on someone if I just can't handle having that person in my life.  I've had to do this recently with someone I know.  Her life is always full of chaos.  And she reaches out to me for help, for emotional support, and I don't have it to give her anymore.  I've backed off her and told her I can't continue to keep up communication with her because she drains me, she's always hurting or in need and I can't help her- she needs to help herself.  I wish the best for her though.  But I must be mindful not to feel resentful or shitty towards anyone, no gossip, etc.  None of that is good energy.  It is not fair, not nice and it does not bring goodness to anyone let alone me.
4. Protecting Your Energy- all of the above are examples of this.  I say no when I don't want to do something.  I make time for self-care.  Me and my son come first.  I love myself and have no problems not going somewhere or doing something that I know I don't want to do, I avoid what I know will frustrate me, I don't agree to visit with people or kids who will annoy the piss out of me.  I am protective of ME.  And that is OKAY.  It goes back to not wanting to watch gross stuff on TV or read bad stuff.  I want to be surrounded with peace, light and goodness.  I have the right to make that choice and I do.  And if it means stepping back from someone not good for my energy or backing off from chaos or... checking out from most of society then I am okay with that.
5. Nurture What You Love: Instead make sure to focus on what you enjoy and love in life.  Surround yourself with colors you like, music that sounds lovely to you, little trinkets and things that bring you joy and add beauty to your life.  Do those things you like to do even if it means going out for a cupcake and coffee or having a martini.  Getting a pedicure.  Going out for a round of golf.  Yoga (ha ha ha.)  Riding a bike.  Taking a walk.  Going fishing.  Laying in bed lounging around on a lazy morning.  Taking a nap.  Doing some art, sketching, painting.  Writing, researching your favorite places, daydreaming about where you want to travel to- anything that brings you joy and feels GOOD to you are the things you should have in your life.  This is the stuff you should make a priority in life.  Be with the people who feel good to you, who raise you up, who treat you with genuine respect and love.  Get a puppy.  Buy some cute earrings.  Ride a Tilt-A-Whirl.  Swing on the swings.  Laugh with a child.  Make fart jokes... And also affirm your love and gratitude for those things, events, pets and people that are blessings in life that bring you joy.  
6. Love Yourself: This is not a cliche' saying.  Let me explain why loving yourself and thinking good things and affirming good things about yourself is so important.  Due to "Law of Attraction" whatever you say about yourself, or think strongly about yourself, will be "proven" to you through some person in your life or an experience- and how do experiences typically happen in life?  Through intereactions with other people.  Other people in your life will be "used" to show you how you feel about yourself.  So if you think to yourself (and I've had this happen to me!) "Wow I am starting to look old" then what will happen is you will bump into someone who might say something to you like, "Wow!  Are you feeling okay?  You're looking a little tired today, older than usual."  With me what happened is I started worrying that I am looking older and when I went to pick up my son from daycare someone asked me if I am his GRANDMOTHER.  This happened twice in a row!  And honestly I look younger than my age. 
   
   So again, it is more than just trying to force you to love yourself because "it's the right thing to do."  No, it's way more powerful than that.  If you hate on yourself, think badly of yourself, do hurtful things to yourself, then you will only attract people into your life who will treat you the way you treat yourself.  Imagine the magic that is possible when you start shifting that around to the positive!  Try telling yourself that you are beautiful inside and out.  That you are a good kind loving person.  You are amazing and everyone who meets you realized you are a beautiful shining ball of endearing joy and grace.  You are endearing and highly loveable.  You love yourself and in turn all people love you.  Even if it hurts at first.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even if it is scary and uncomfortable to say these good things about yourself- DO IT.  The universe is just begging you to, waiting for you to do so that way it can serve all of those things right up to you!  The universe cannot give you anything you do not ask for first and we ask through prayers, wishes, affirmations, declarations, etc.   Whether or not it is the universe doing it for us, or if there is no "middle man" and we are doing it ourselves through what we attract to us through our energy- you will only get in return what you send out.  People in your life will only be able to treat you how you treat yourself.  Whatever you believe, or worry about, or dwell on, or focus on or read about or talk about- only THOSE THINGS can manifest further into your lives.  Keep that in mind.  Be MINDFUL.
7. Go All Out: Make some really over the top affirmations.  Manifest the best for yourself.  Every day life gets better and better.  Everything I touch turns to wonderfulness.  I am successful in every single thing I do.  Life always turns out in my favor.  God protects me every step of my life.  I am surrounded by peace joy and love.  My life overflows with an abundance of love, peace, joy, prosperity.  Money flows freely into my life from all different angles and manners.  I always have more than I need, enough to even share.  Etc. Etc.  Focus on what you dream of.  Banish any other "lesser" thoughts and don't let your focus go to bad scary dark shit, ever.
8. Be Gentle On Yourself: We are all souls walking around in a human shape, our packaging.  Love your packaging.  Be gentle to yourself.

Right now, just as I am writing this, I received an email.  This message is letting me know that my town is going to reimburse me the 2500.00 I had to put out to remediate a flood in my basement.  I've been working months to get this done, and just now- as I wrote all of this out about money coming to me from all places and life working out to my benefit- the message telling me they will pay me came through.  Yippee!  And no coincidence.  I am positive of it.

So there are some of my life experiences in shifting my thinking around.  I pray for all of you, anyone who has read my blog or is going through this twin soul/ twin flame experience, please know ALL OF YOU are strong manifestors.  And you can manifest Heaven or Hell for yourselves.  Because for some reason we have crazy strong energy.  Please err on the side of love, kindness and gratitude.  Even if something entirely shitty is happening in your life right now!  You have to address that situation with neutrality.  Get it cleaned up.  But give it no emotion.  Don't bitch about it.  Don't dwell on it.  Instead while you are working on fixing it start affirming anything good you can about your life and this will "shift" happenings in your future.  Even if you are sad an missing your twin, be sad that is okay.  But don't dwell on shit.  Don't focus on badness.  Love your twin, hope to be with him but at the same time make sure to try so so hard to focus on goodness (not anger, not resentment, not complaining about him or some event that happened, etc.- do not affirm or focus on anything that does not feel good when it happens- learn from it, have no reaction, give it no energy and affirm something better to shift it around) even in the midst of your sadness.

Best to you,

Jennifer

Depression and Anxiety

https://bloomsandbubbles.blog/2018/06/08/depression-isnt-sadness-and-suicide-isnt-a-cry-for-help-by-steve-safran/

I read the above article and damn, it hit home for me.

There has been too much on my mind lately to post it all here.  My life is good.  I am happy.  Life is happy.  I am not "perfect" but I try really hard to keep my mind in a place of goodness at all times, and again I am not perfect.  I actually feel kinda bad right now because sometimes I still can feel some odd resentment towards one of my friends, and I need to get past it.  My constant goal is to each day work more and more to have only good thoughts, good words spoken, good intentions made, towards everyone.  And if there is someone in my life who is not meshing well with me then it is time to let that person go but with love or neutrality, not with anger or pissiness.

I read this article today and while I try not to look backwards at my life it caused me to remember some of my darkest times.  I've had to battle through so much pain and darkness, all pretty much internal, and knowing James, the whole mirroring thing, was what, in the end, finally pushed me to the breaking point.  It was to a point where I had to choose between consciously changing my focus, avoiding negative thinking, working hard to know what I did NOT want to focus on and then avoiding those things like the plague.  Because I know whatever I focus on will come to me- I will get evidence of it in my life, and for a while James was the one who showed me that.  It was hard and it hurt so bad that it was to a point where I either was going to die from killing myself or else I was going to believe what was happening and work VERY FUCKING HARD to change it.

Once I made some solid changes the mirroring from James stopped.  Immediately.  Totally.  The sad part to me is all contact stopped.  And I still miss him.  And I have unanswered questions.  Sometimes I wonder was he just here to "heal" me and show me what I needed to change, and when that happened- will I ever see him again?  This thought... I can't accept it.  I tell God that I need to see James again.  We need to hug each other.  We have been through a lot together and I just want to hug him for a while.  No one can understand it if that person has not been through it.  He showed me my demons, my dark thoughts, my irrational anger, my fears, my backwards beliefs about love, about him and about myself so boldly that I could not escape the "wrong thinking" and I was forced to start doing whatever I could to shift it around.

Life is much different now but I have not forgotten those dark moments explained in this article. I typically don't think about it- no reason to go there.  Those were bad times where I almost killed myself due to my own bad thoughts and pain, and I missed James so much and it hurt terribly; I was scared, confused, had doubts, couldn't affirm correctly and just kept creating Hell for myself until I just wanted to die because it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.  I remember the night I sat at my table alone with an unopened bottle of whisky while screaming at an invisible entity, hitting myself, telling God I wanted to die, to just kill me already, that I could not take the pain anymore.  I begged God to take some of my pain.  I was SO READY to drink the whiskey.  And had I drank the whiskey in the state I was in I would have also taken the bottle of sleeping pills I had there with me.  I know I would have.  I feel so so bad for that poor woman.  The Hell I went through trying to "heal."  My guidance spoke clearly to me then, even through my irrational crazed pain.  What a miracle, right?  It was gentle.  It told me to please just go to bed.  It begged me- please just go to bed.  Don't drink the whiskey.  Go to bed.  It knew if I drank the whiskey I'd take the pills so it asked me to please go to bed.  So I did.  Crying, snotty, shaking, angry as a pissed off hornet, sad, aching- I fell asleep instead of drinking the whiskey which would have most likely lead to my son coming home the next day to find me dead.  I've been through a lot.  I DO feel a lot of compassion for myself and for that reason I love myself and am gentle on me.  I am one of the lucky ones.  My personal demons did NOT get the best of me (thanks to help from my higher self and my twin soul.)  It was Hell though.  I can't sugar coat it.  I got through it but I dragged my twin along with me, and that still breaks my heart.  It aches.  We shared this beautiful bright loving happy healthy start to a real good love relationship.  We were head over heels in love.  Can't wait to see each other.  Can't keep our hands off each other.  Always kissing.  Middle of the night texts and emails.  Hours and hours on the phone.  Giddy.

And then gone.  I've overcome a LOT.  But I have still not overcome the fact that he disappeared from my life but the love stayed and there were no real-life answers or resolution.  It feels like unfinished business.   I understand fully that it was not his intention but instead it was mirroring.  I know many other people are going through this, and the world and its people are not what I thought it was before.  I don't blame him.  I am stronger now.  I see more clearly.  I don't let myself get angry- not worth it.  Anger is a shit energy.  I have a level of awareness I never thought I'd achieve.  I have full belief in the power of manifestation and energetic attraction.  I have to use affirmations, meditating on paper, always overriding any negative thinking with positive affirmations, living from a place of choosing to be kind, focusing on my blessings, etc. in order to keep my life balanced and happy and continuing to create goodness for myself- and it works.  And I am thankful for that.  I believe something out there did its best to try and help guide me to making the right choices that would bring me love instead of pain, even if I did not often listen.  It did try to help me and must love me.  Sometimes I do wonder if it is just "me" on some other level, like in "Interstellar."  I love myself, and I have compassion for what I've been through.  It was a lot of pain, and I am sure it was not great for him either.  He is a sweet kind man.  In the end he did a lot for me, exactly how my guidance told me he would.  For that reason (even if he doesn't know or understand it like I do and he very well might not and that's okay) I will always love him and wish him well.  The hard part is I still love him from a place of "I sure wish I could see his smiling face again, like it was when we met."  I wish we could talk and hug.  I wish I could see him smile at me again.  I wish I could hear his kind loving gentle voice say hello and ask me, genuinely, how I've been.  I wish we could talk totally openly like friends, laughing and comfortable.  He is still so important to me and to love someone so much but have no contact with him is not easy.  It aches.

I wish him well though.  I hope he is happy and life is treating him well.  I hope he has lots of love in his life like I do.  I have a good blessed life with good kind people who love me a lot, who treat me well.  I hope he does too.  But I miss him still.  And I hope that one day we can hug each other for a long long time.

XXOO- I hope anyone who reads this is doing well.

Jennifer

Now

I still love James.  Still think of him every day.  I still cry over him.  I'd like to say that I smile about him too but not often because I miss him too much to feel much joy over thinking about him.

This is frustrating.  I work to consciously live a positive life and affirm the goodness in my life.  I honestly do.  I firmly believe that my energy creates my reality and I try to be careful, to focus on joy and thankfulness.  I am thankful for all the love, blessings, peace, joy and abundance in my life.  I have a really good life!  I do.  I am aware of this and I am thankful for it.

But then why do I still miss this man so much?  Why does my heart still ache?  OH MY GOD it feels so frustrating to yearn to connect with him again as a HUMAN BEING.  I want my friend back in my life.  I want to know James again.

I'm in a relationship with someone else.  It's... I care about this man.  I love him a lot.  He means so much to me.  He is a good man, and he loves me a lot.  He's done a lot to teach me how to accept being loved.  He's made me more comfortable with allowing someone to love me and treat me well, and I feel like we are meant to be together.  Right now.  I take it day by day.  I am thankful to have him in my life, to know him, to be loved by him.  I am thankful to be in his life- yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of his wife and he's hurting badly, grieving, and I try to be a dose of extra love and joy in his life, comfort.  Yes we can love one person and grieve another.  We can love one person and still love another person too.  I do that every day.  I love David.  I care about him.  But I also still love James, a lot.  And honestly it hurts.  Just like Dave hurts over missing his wife yet he still loves her, and I am sure if he could have her back in his life he would.  He would.

It really is not much different for me.  His wife left a hole in his heart that I cannot fill, and that's okay.  But I have a hole too, and he can't fill it.  No one but James can, and I just wish I could know him again.  I wish I knew him.  I want to talk to him, like normal.  Honest.  Truthful.  Open.  Transparent,  EASY.  Real.

Dave knows how I feel.  We've talked about it.  He knows when I am hurting more than usual.  He knows I get signs still, and that I have dreams about James.  He knows I still love him and I hurt and I miss him and I want to talk to him again.  Dave has told me he hopes I get that opportunity.  I know the idea is uncomfortable for him because he loves me a lot and I know he probably hopes I will be with him forever.  But I can't think about "forever."  I just can't.  I did not promise forever to Dave, never have.  I am so so so good to him each day that we are together like this, in a committed love relationship, and I really hope I can be good to him for a long time, as long as I know him.  But I can't give him a promise of "I will be with you forever."

Not long ago he mentioned having a baby, us having a baby.  I suppose with modern medicine it COULD happen, and he'd make an excellent father- BUT IT IS NOT MY DREAM.  I dreamed of having another baby with James.  So finally I had to speak my truth and I told David that.  I told him that I did not mean to hurt him in any way but James and I had talked about having a baby together.  And that is what I had my heart set on, and it was not a dream I could just easily transfer to another person.  I told him there is only one person I wanted to have another baby with and that is James, and if not with James then I did not see myself having another child.  I did not say this to be mean or hurtful but I HAD to say it.  I HURT.  I miss James so very much.  I still love him so much.  I remember him.  I swear I get signs still.  I don't know if I get the signs when I think of him or if I get the signs to think of him or what.  All I know is I ache, deeply.  I ache.  I miss him.  And it hurts.  Yes life can be good, happy, abundant, full of love and goodness- and it is!  But I still have this sadness right alongside my happiness and it comes from missing James.  I can't seem to stop the sadness.  I enjoy being with David.  And he is BY FAR the only man I could ever be with because I can be fully honest with him and he accepts me still.  It is freeing and a huge relief to be able to be honest with Dave about James- if I could not then I'd feel like I was hiding something or dishonest and it would not be good for me or the relationship or the other person!  Dave understands I can only do this day by day.  He understands my heart aches and I miss James.  He respects my love for him.  Just like I respect that he grieves deeply.

This is why I feel like we were meant to meet somehow.  That's it's right for however long it's meant to be for, and I will always treat him well and with love.  I am meant to be that in his life.  He's a very loving kind man and he is hurting.  I am really a very loving gentle person, and well, maybe love is healing, right?  For both of us.

But I still miss James.  I remember him.  Certain things remind me.  80s music.  Geology.  Golf.  James told me he would teach me how to golf.  He loves golfing.  Dave loves golf too and he has asked me to go golfing with him, and eventually I'm going to have to go- but it aches because it reminds me of James, and how I was supposed to go with him.  Being at the park by my house reminds me of our first date.  My memories are bittersweet.

I have these little items that James gave me, or things that reminds me of him, in my room on a shelf.  I was worried Dave would see them, and he has.  He noticed.  Pop Rocks.  A little "gem" grown from one of those "grow your own gem" kits for kids- James gave PJ one and we grew a gem from it, and it sits on my shelf.  Silly?  Maybe.  But I can't bear to pack it up and put it away.  So I was up front and told Dave that yes they remind me of James and I can't pack them away.  Again he said he understands and would not expect me to- what a blessings, right?  He's very understanding, and it is a blessing.  I try to be as understanding with him.  I do love him and it is not always 100% easy to sometimes feel like I am... not her.  He was and still is very much in love with his wife, and he misses her dearly.  I feel for him.  Like I feel bad for him because he misses her and I am not her.  I for one know from experience that when you love a specific person SO SO MUCH there is no way to quiet the pain of missing that person.  The love does not stop just because you meet or love someone new.  The love and ache does not stop just because that person is not in your life.  Love doesn't just disappear when the object of your love is physically gone- that love stays.  If it is a good strong real healthy true unconditional love then it exists, strongly exists, no matter what.  You carry the ache and the love and the missing with you all the time along with the love you may hold for the new person- but those emotions for two different people- they co-exist. 

I've been thinking I should write a refresher post about manifestation.  I firmly believe 100% that once you realize you have a twin soul, whether that person is with you or has separated from you, if you are the person who is... like me, the one writing the blog, the one who aches to hear from the other- then you are a very strong manifestor and you really must start learning how to control your energy and your creations.  You have to start being so so careful with your energy.  Sometimes I feel like having a twin soul/twin flame is to show us we are strong manifestors.  Knowing James did do that for me.  So far he's been the strongest mirror in my life.  It was the most intense connection, and for me it has been the strongest most unwavering love, desire and ache to have another person in my life than anyone else I've ever met.  I've had other soul connections before, loved them too, but I was able to let them go and move on.  I wish them the best but I don't "long" for those people.  I don't think of them.  We don't have "unfinished business."  But with James- I ache.  I miss him, and this (not knowing each other) does not feel right.   We should know each other.  We should be able to talk to each other freely- that would feel normal to me.  I am even going to go out on a limb and say even if we were not in a traditional "relationship" I still feel like we should be able to look each other in the eye and say- the truth is I have always loved you and still do, and no matter what our circumstances are- I love you, think you are wonderful, and care about you as much as I did when I met you.  That to me feels like TRUTH. 

I just feel like I won't ever be totally emotionally at peace inside until I have that truth in my life.  Until I talk with him and he is the James I met and fell in love with- the man I know he is.  That is what would feel right and real.  I feel unsettled about James and it hurts.  I love him and... just because I have Dave in my life does nothing to take away the ache I feel over James.  I can't just take the love I feel for James and shift it to someone else and make it all go away.  Impossible.  The desire to know him, have him in my life again as someone who loves me and cares about me, and me for him, remains now as strongly as it did four years ago, four years plus.

Nothing I can do about it really.  The aching does not feel good but I love him and I can't help it.  Sometimes I do wish it did not hurt so much, or I wish I could just love him without wanting to know him, see him, or talk with him again.  But that strong love, ache, longing and desire is there no matter what.

I hope you are all doing well.  Take care.

Jennifer