"Don't Panic"

Every morning I pass by my bookshelf as I walk out of my room and I see this book sitting there.  It is my copy of "The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" that Joron bought for me while we were dating.  He mentioned the book to me a few times, said it was one of his childhood favorites.  He knew I'd never read it.  One evening he came over with this beautiful hardbound copy of all the books in one, and he had some cute Halloween Fannie May chocolate bars for me.  He'd walked to Borders in the city on his lunch break and bought me the book.  I have it plus some other things he gave me sitting on the top shelf of my bookcase.  He gathered some playing cards from the museum and gave them to me for my son; he mentioned more than once that maybe my son would be interested in science.  He was concerned I'd shove religion on him, lol.  I assured him that my son would have all options available to him- I have not even baptized him because I know God's already watching out for my son, sprinkled or not!

But when I wake and see my "Joron Shelf" it brings truth to my mind.  My heart and ego are seriously battling.  Right now my Higher Self will only say "defend truth, trust feelings."  I am being told to really know in my heart who he is, and yes I STILL battle, and it's ALL ego!  But at the end of the day I am ooooozzziinnnggg love for him so that must be my heart knowing the truth that he is a super good dude and very open to Spirit.

I read this today about twin souls and EGO.  I wanted to copy paste it here, and I'm going to highlight some areas that resonate with me.  It came from this site:

http://www.starseeds.net/group/loveincarnates/forum/topics/how-ego-can-hinder-a-twin?commentId=2312030%3AComment%3A850022&groupId=2312030%3AGroup%3A175398

Start copy paste:

"I need him to say he is sorry, I need her to communicate with me, I have nothing to offer, I can't trust him/her...I need a sign...."



Ok the higher selves don't require any of these things from their other half. Because of their connection to each other the only true need they have is to come together physically without their bodies egos setting stipulations for the relationships...You know the problem with the ego in a twin flame relationship is that it still tries to treat it like it is just a physical connection that needs to be propped up with all these physical requirements.
Unfortunately every physical requirement that you tack on to a twin flame relationship gives the chaos around us something to work with... You need communications and almost instantly the person stop calling and e-mailing because chaos makes its connection with the ego and convince it that communication is causing the other person to take you for granted...while your ego is insisting that if the person cared they would do these things.
Have you noticed when you look in the mirror and make a face you see that same face looking back at you? Well let us apply this idea to a twin flame relationship. You spend a lot of time wondering if it is going to work if he/she is going to turn around. And when nothing happens in the time frame you feel is right you start to think about giving up. Well here is where the mirror image comes in. Because he is reflective this would mean he reflects the hopes, doubts, fears,thoughts and disappointment that we feel. Of course you feel this because he/she isn't doing any thing unfortunately as we feel these things about him/her he/she starts to doubt it will work, fear you will not or do not want him/her. And the roller coaster ride of doubt and fear on both sides start.
I have noticed that many of you desire your partners ego to go away so that the higher self may take a more active and direct part in the relationship...I have also heard about the baggage that the Twin flame has and needs to get rid of...However as I continue to work with the relationships I notice that there is baggage on both sides and an abundance of ego on both sides...because the TF is not personally there to defend their selves they get painted as having the biggest issues...please remember that a great deal of the problems in a TF relationship can be seen on both sides of the relationship because of the soul connection many of the issues are the same to some degree on both sides...
As soon as you refocus inward to your higher self and be very honest with your self about the baggage you are carrying and the ego the size of the empire state building that is constantly whispering in your ears about your TFs short comings then began to do something about them he/she will also start to take care of that which appears to be such a major problem in his/her life...
Baggage may not always be recognizable as such in our own lives...but past relationship issues that are unresolved and unreleased, fears and doubts about the TF's feeling which are usually confused with the ego's feelings...and accepted as the "true feelings" in the situation...learning to recognize that the body and soul are not the same until they have merged on both a conscious and subconscious level which leaves no room for the ego to ruin things and set up false scenarios with the help of it's ever present friend chaos. All baggage must be cleared away but it must first be recognized as such...Chaos does not need a lot to work with ego and baggage gives it an enormous amount of building blocks to put that wall up between you and your TF a wall that you are unaware of your part in building which makes it all the more difficult to remove...
You would like your twin flame to let go of his/her ego so that the higher self may direct the body...You must know that because of the connection between you as long as your ego is ruling the day your twin souls ego will also do the same...
I know that many of you are not really aware of the ego still being in control. When the ego is in control you experience fear, doubt, worry, confusion and bouts of concern as to if and when your TF relationship will work out..."

End copy paste.


One thing I have always asserted here is that my twin soul's ego is very quiet.  I saw this in him when I dated him.  When I doubt, fear or get really nasty inside he reaches out and shows me this, immediately.  It is beyond it "just" being his ego, or "just" being reflection.  It's not "just" The Law of Attraction or The Law of Cause and Effect.  Hell to The No- it is our combined Higher Self working through him to shove my energy right back in my face, and he is used at the channel to do so.


I will go to my death believing this because it is shown to me.  Do I still get scared and fall into ego wondering WTH could be wrong with him to treat me so coldly?  Um, yeah.  But I look at the book he gave me, remember how he was always only sweetness and light, remember how clearly I saw Spirit working in our relationship even back then, and I *know* without a shadow of a doubt that the "mirroring" is Higher Will working through him.  Maybe he is scared of me- but it's because Higher Self puts that emotion in him... and I feel this way because NOTHING I send him via my 3D words, attitude, etc. should push him off.  I am polite, sweet, kind and forgiving but MAN when I cave to thinking he is simply ignoring me or rejecting me or pushing me to the side BAM I get hit even harder, or he goes totally silent.  And it's all based on my energy, thoughts and intention.


When he "ran" back in March I'd done nothing in 3D to push him off.  I forced myself to be patient in my words.  I watched Every. Single. Thing. I wrote to him to ensure I did not come off as clingy or desperate- but my intention was all of fear, "Please don't leave me again!"  And Higher Will ensured he went quiet again.


Listen I still can't explain it but this guy here who posted the quoted stuff above gets it: we are not to worry about THEM.  I personally know in my situation it is not him.  It is me.  He wanted to come back to me but I kept pushing it away via fear, and that sucks because NOW I can see it- and I hate that we are here in this silence.  I wish I would have just accepted his love back then instead of being so damn afraid.  I wish I was in his gentle loving arms right now.  In REAL twin soul unions {not soul mates who are mistaken for twin souls} they begin to mirror our inner shit and it SEEMS like they are all fucked up, or more screwed up than they actually are.  They start acting cold or distant or erratic, or they shut off for a while.  We see them as the ones with the issue because we don't realize they are mirroring our inner shit that we won't acknowledge or don't know how to acknowledge.  We are blind to our own emotional issues and it isn't until we are hit with clear "mirroring" that maybe finally one day we think "Hm- he just sent me this fucked up message but it is EXACTLY what I was thinking about him or myself or us.  How did that happen?"  THEN the lightbulb may go off.  Or maybe Spirit is guiding you and explaining it all to you like with me.


But yet I know it is hard.  I can still doubt Joron even after all this, and it is my ego flaring up HUGELY.  And I am working on it.  My adorable sweet angel of a boyfriend shifted into my worst fears in a very twin soul textbook manner.  With distance comes some clarity, and I can see it.  I also love him and would like him back.


If anything I know that if I were to enter into a new love relationship I would not have the same fears as before, and if they cropped up I would work very hard on standing up to my fears.  I am very valuable and realize that no man who really falls for me is going to be able to walk away in a heartbeat, no matter what.  Most people just don't do that but twin souls sure do when it's time to heal fears, and it makes them seem like the demonic bad guys when they are just playing their roles.

And please- don't try to tell me I'm living in my own little fantasy.  I see it from every angle.  He was a dream when he was in my life, perfect.  He loved me greatly.  I feared that wonderful love until Spirit was like, "Okay it's time to turn this shit around!" and BAM my world completely changed overnight when our twin soul separation began.  It's been almost a year now.  I wish I could go back to last year, right now, knowing what I do now and SAVE it.  But it had to happen.  It's over and done with- and now I would just like to love my twin soul and let him know I appreciate what he's done for me.

It's a very pretty book, all glittery with silver-dusted pages.  Pure sweetness is he.  My Love.  My Light.  

The Truth Hurts Sometimes

Man oh man.  I wonder if we are forced into silence in order to have space for clarity to sink in.  The more time that passes without hearing from Joron the more clearly I can see what's been happening to me through knowing him.  I do miss and love him, so so much.  I wish he was back in my arms again, right now.  But I have still had fear over him.  It is a nightmare to fear that which you love.  If you've never been through something like this then you can't quite understand what it feels like to LOVE someone with all my heart, to remember that person like the angel he was when he was in my life, but be shown a cold "version" of him that is used to basically push every button inside me so I'll change.  To show me what it feels like when I ignore love in turn causing love to ignore me.

The drinking.  Joron's messages to me finally got me to stop throwing back the whiskey, ceased the way I could go through an entire bottle of red wine a few nights a week.  I was drinking so much, and as I've written here ad nauseum, I'd already been told to stop drinking.  This past weekend I found some old channeling from 5-13, months before I met Joron.  My guidance was telling me then to stop drinking.  "Waffle not on this" which means- do not go back and forth on this decision to stop drinking.  I was told NOT to drink because it was harming me and turning me into an alcoholic {like my own mom became at 40} but I would not listen.

I'm good for that- not listening.  I am not proud of it but it's true.  Even now I have not really been following what my guidance tells me.  I've been thinking about dating, wanting to distract by talking to other men.  I have been trying to push Joron out of my head so I can live a "normal" life, and it's not going to happen.  And if I do strive to live a "normal" 3D limited life it means I am going to have to fight Spirit each step of the way.  Why?  Because I'm given every sign NOT to do it, not to cave to idle distraction.  Not to be weak.  I create log ins and passwords to dating sites and then they don't work.  I created a new email address for a dating site, and so I could exchange it with others if I wanted to get to know them better... and I tried to use it and it was "invalid" when I KNOW what I created was correct.  I know how to make an email address online.  I know how to sign up for a site.  My emails bounce back or get hung up.  AND I will turn on the radio and hear all my songs.  I heard "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls right when I was trying to connect with online dating.  Either I am nuts and making connections where there are none or else I am getting every sign out there to just stick with this for now, to love Joron and not seek elsewhere.

I also tried re-joining the forum at SF and that would not work either.  They did not email me back, and when I tried creating a new screen name {new email addy and everything} it would not work. And I keep getting a message that the email address is invalid.  So for some reason I am not meant to post on the forum either.  I think my energy is not meant to be used that way right now.

Obviously Spirit guides my life.  Sometimes I fight it even when I don't mean to.  I look back to June and I can't deny that I was just not getting it.  I would not listen to my soul, and I refused to listen to Joron when he would tell me over and over how much he loved me.

I know I am not supposed to have regret but I am finding it hard not to.  I am so so fucking sad that I didn't just grab on to his love and hold on tight.  I tell myself this all had to happen so I could finally "wake up" and see things clearly about me and my life.  I was drinking myself into oblivion.  I have this blessed life and I would have really hit rock bottom had I not stopped drinking. And fearing love.  I refused to believe when a man loves me.  I totally ignored his love for me.  He loves me so much and all I would think was "I hope he loves me,"  Never "I'm so glad he loves me!" Just fear and worry of "When will he think I'm no longer worth it?"  I was so sure he'd move to CA and forget me.  And that is what happened. He left and then just shut the fuck off, and I know it was a reflection of all the angst I was feeling inside myself.  Fear.  Worry.  UGH!

Keep in mind the first night he fell off the face of the earth, almost a year ago exactly, I was passed out from drinking whiskey.  Coincidence?  Probably not.  Then this past June Spirit hit me hard through Joron at a moment when I'd been drinking, fearing, hating and being an ass inside all weekend.  I was mean to my kid.  I was mean to God and my soul, and I was mean to myself.  I drank all weekend, even in front of my child.  I took out my frustration on him that Saturday morning by yelling at him, really just screaming and being mean to release all the shit I felt inside.  I just wanted OUT- out of my life, out of this connection, out of my lessons.  I wanted to self-destruct. I honestly think had I been alone that weekend that I may have went out and picked someone up, and that would NOT have been a good choice for me.  I was SO angry that he was silent.  I would not accept that YES he loves me, is trying so hard to show me, yet I just deny it and ignore it and when I doubt it then he's forced into silence in order to teach me, and to push all my shit out.

Well.  Yes- that Sunday night when he wrote me those perfectly-timed messages that forever changed my life... well- they scared me.  He scared me.  And I have been frightened of him ever since.  My sweet adorable boyfriend turned into my worst fears, a monster, or that is how it would seem to most. I read those messages and saw... MYSELF.  It was scary overall.  Terrifying to see how much POWER GOD HAS.  My life is like a dream!  It's unreal.  God reached down through Joron and shook me.  It SCARED me.

Now when I get an email my heart races, and not really with anticipation.  I never know what to expect, lol.  But I do know what to expect.  As long as I feel calm and loving inside then his words will not be harsh.  But if I doubt then I get doubt.  And now, because I could not stop doubting and fearing, his last words to me were hard to take.  They are difficult to look past although I know I am supposed to.

None of this is his intention.  He loves me.  I see that clearly.  God used him to help save me.  It was harsh and not at all fun but I am told to "Defend truth" and "Defend love." Defend him in my heart.  Not be afraid of him.  He did what he had to, and frankly it changed the energy between us.

I have not heard from my love since June.  The energy that contacted me in August was not fully just my Joron.  It was... surreal.  Spirit working through him to push me to stand up to my truth but I could not quite do it.  I still caved to thinking he was avoiding me, not loving me, not wanting to see me- which is ridiculous.  If Joron was home and himself then he'd be here at my home in a heartbeat, sweeping me into his arms and kissing me as if his life depended on it.

I love him so so much, and I wish we didn't have to go through all of this in order for me to learn my lessons.  He IS my ultimate mirror.  He always tells me I am a good person, sweet, genuine, kind and beautiful.  But mixed in with that is the coldness, the lack of love that is given to me when I fear that he does not love me.  It's that fear that lead me to drink so it's one big ball of wax, and I hate it.  I just hate it.  I know I am blessed but I want this done now, and I want my love back with me.  In my life.

I'm tired.  I am told to defend my truth.  I know my truth even though it is sometimes hard to take. He loves me.  He loved me a ton when we were together last year, and I feared it all into  a twin soul separation.  He left but I am the runner.  God uses him to help heal me and guide me, and I should not be afraid of him.  He is the same love I knew when we were sitting on my couch cuddling.  He has these tender gentle hands.  Those hands that intertwined with my own on our first date as we walked hand in hand together down the street to the park.  He'd reach up with a smile, touch the side of my face and turn my face towards his to kiss me.  And kiss me.  And kiss me.  We would kiss for hours. HOURS.  Faces close, giggling and smiling and softly talking all in between just kissing.

I want him back.  My angel.  The only man God knew could do this thing with me.  He means so much to me that I fight to believe.  Not sure I would have done that with anyone else but this man... only because he is so damn special.  Once perfection comes strolling into your life- it's really fucking difficult to let it go.  God knew that with me- knew Joron was the one thing I would not walk away from, not IGNORE.  I can't ignore the messages and guidance I get when it's channeled through him- and I want it to end now!  I really do.  I just want my LOVE back.  I know him.  I trust him.  I really do.  I realize this has all been to teach me, and it has hurt.  But shit... I know that man who was with me last year, and I can clearly see why this happened.

June kicked my ass.  And no, things have not been the same since.  I was so scared of him.  He frightened me with his cold words.  Yet I knew, clearly, why I got them.  So it's a battle between my head and heart.  Truth is clearly there.  In August when "he" was writing to me he'd write something crazy strange and then he'd write and say, "Can you believe I just wrote that?  I'm such an asshole.  You deserve so much better than me.  Why do you even love me?"  And I KNEW what it meant- Spirit was telling me that if I even believe for one moment that the coldness is him then I am telling the universe, and Joron, that he's a total dickhead.  Then he'd write and say, "You know that's not me.  I am still the man you knew."

I am not sure what to write really.  He's a doll and I love him.  I know not to be afraid of him.  I go back and read what we shared while we dated and I just sob because the love was so obvious yet due to my issues I doubted him.  And now I really want him back.  I pray that God brings my love back to me because I don't want any other besides him.  Anyone else would be an idle replacement, and would be useless.  There are nice men out there but none are as perfect for me as my twin soul.  I want to achieve reunion.  I want that true perfect soul love.  I've fought so hard to hold on to the real him, to not blame him, to love him.  I just wish we could be back together now.

And yes I see my issues, lack of self worth.  I know where it came from: longing for my parent's love but never getting it.  So now when someone loves me I can't even believe in the love since I never got it as a child.  I get it.  I'm not fucking blind.  I know I am loveable, and I can see why all of this has happened.

He's not a monster.  Not weak.  Not a weenie.  He's my love and my twin soul who was chosen to do some mighty hard things with me, and I do love him for it.  When I allow myself to go back to him sitting on my couch on our last night together, holding my hand while I called my ex-husband who yelled at me and caused me all kinds of grief, and he told me he wanted to give me a new life, to love me and my son, I just wish I could go back knowing what I know now and do it all over.

I am just soooo wanting that life with him.  I pray for this lesson to end.  All I want, my heart's desire, is to be reunited with Joron.  I'm not broken.  I'm not needy.  I am a strong independent woman living on my own choosing to stay single- but my dream is to be married to him,  I want him as a strong step-daddy to my son, and I know he is supposed to be the father to my next child.  My husband.

Sushi at our wedding.  I dream of that day.  I pray for it.  I want to marry that man more than I've ever wanted anything.  Yes- I am in hard in love.  He is my future, and I want that future to begin now.

Head V/S Heart

I can see why I am going through this journey, and why it is not easy for twin souls to reunite.  This path is not for the weak that's for sure.  It is not for those who MUST be in a relationship *right now* and it's also not for those who are unwilling to look in the mirror.  That freaking mirror, ugh.

Inside me still battles the fight between my head and my heart.  I've endured a slow painful ego death but ego is not totally quieted yet.  This I know because I keep finding myself getting resentful towards Joron.  I will slip into having haughty offended conversations with him in my head where I feel all put-out and rejected.  I want to know why he abandoned me after speaking to me my dreams. How could he show me such love and then just let me go?  And these last few days I've been getting really annoyed over how he could have just walked away from my son.  My sweet adorable son.

I've written here before about how Joron spent time with me and my son.  Very specifically HE planned to spend time with us.  I did not push him- it was his idea.  He told me on his way to CA that he did not like how my ex treated me.  He wanted to show my son and myself a new life.  My son is sweet he said, and he wanted to learn how to be a good father figure to him.  He asked me if I would raise him Christian and I told him I'd let him choose himself.  He said he'd want to teach all about science, said "Maybe he'll be a scientist one day."

But when he "shut off" to me- he shut off HARDCORE.  All warmth disappeared and it sucked.  But now I remember just days before the shut off happened he said to me, "Be that butterfly and fly here to CA to be with me."  He of course meant me and my son both.  He told me he'd take care of us, that I would not have to work but could stay home and write.  Instead of jumping for joy and asking "when?!" I got scared and said something stupid about "But what if I got there and you abandoned me?"  Like WTF?!  He did not say anything then- it's not like those words in 3D made him shut off. Oh no.  They were used against me later but through mirroring.  My words came back to bite me in the ass when he shut off completely.  After he went quiet he did not ask about my son, not once.  It used to drive me batty.  I'd shovel snow last winter, the Winter from Hell, and just bitch in my head about him ignoring me and my child while he was off in sunny CA living it up.  I'd ask him and God over and over in my mind how he could just walk away from us and not even ask about my son. Before I really knew what was happening the pain was incredible.

Now though? Well either I need to shit or get off the pot as it pertains to this connection because Joron is not going to want to stay single and celibate forever, and for the longest time he was making sure to let me know he was not dating.  Throughout this separation he would let me know that *I* am the "dateable" one for him; the one he wanted.  I didn't trust the love from the beginning because, well, I didn't know how to.  I'm not really into psychobabble but I'm going to think that my fear of accepting love and my inability to believe or even recognize when a man truly loves me is part of what I am being healed of.  Along with the drinking.  It all deals with fear.  Fucking FEAR.  I was raised with a lot of fear.  We had good times though too- and maybe I need to concentrate on the good times.  My past is gone now, and I am not my past.

I am very much in love with this man.  Like- I can't move on.  I am unable to date others.  I feel we were made for each other: born in the same hospital at the same time only to be reunited forty years later on my birthday.  It's like being hit upside the head with a cosmic 2x4.  Like God is screaming out to me, "Come on Rosie- don't give up now!"  It could not be more obvious.  And here is the problem...

The more that I ignore the love, the more that I turn away from believing he loves me, the less love he shows me!  That's how Spirit is teaching me- it's the mirroring, and in my case I believe the mirroring is Higher Will playing middle man between us.  I will doubt him and then that doubt is channeled through him back to me, and I do hate it.  And I still fight believing it.  I'm told constantly from above "ignore love and love ignores you."  Or I am told that if I do not believe in the love then it will not be shown to me.  It's mirroring, and it makes sense right?  When I tell myself and the universe "I don't think he really loves me.  What if he doesn't love me?  Does he love me?" all I am shooting out to the peeps up above is "show me that he does not love me" and then he shows me all this crazy ambivalence and lack of empathy- no affection,  And I took it a step farther with the drinking and fearing and inner vileness on my part and then I got hit REALLY hard through the mirroring, and it's been a steady battle between head and heart since then.

I've asked over and over how he does it.  How is he such an open channel to Spirit?  I am told he has a gift.  And he must.  He is a walking channel for Spirit when it comes to me- I am supposing this is because he is my twin soul.  I've had every sign, symbol, message and heavenly billboard screaming at me that YES THIS IS HAPPENING.  Back in December when I thought I might actually die, when I came *this* close to taking my own life, and he finally came through- he ended that message with "Oh and you'd better be working on your book."  Totally channeled.  Spirit wrote through him, and Spirit does that with him all the time.  It's so weird though!  So hard to believe!  But my God it's true.  I watch it happen all the time, and how can I blame that on him?  I saw it when we dated, and I saw Spirit speak through him.  Like I saw it, undeniable/  So why can't I give up the ghost and just surrender already?

The writing.  I know why I was told to write over and over from every angle.  It's because when I write I create my truth.  Hence why I was inspired to write this blog.  This blog is my truth, right here.  The man's affections towards me are controlled from above and based on my OWN energy. It's a very effective way to teach me because I cannot escape it.  But the truth is he loves me.  There is no denying that.  And it's sad to me because the love is strong.  VERY strong, like from above strong.  There have been a lot of songs that have guided me through this experience.  "Demons" by Imagine Dragons was one of the first ones.  I've asked myself over and over what might be Joron's issue.  What are his demons?  But maybe he doesn't have any.  I know I do.  I was drinking so much.  I was trying to escape the pain of feeling so unloved even when love was thrust right up in my face.  My masks were slapped on my face to hide my demons.  I am such a good loving woman.  My intention has only ever been love, even with Joron.  I showed him my true self but I was terrified constantly that he'd leave me, forget me, walk away and find it very easy to leave me behind.  My problem is I don't believe love when it's given to me.  He had to show me my fear so I could face it.  Demons- that song is for me, for us.  The song says, "It's woven in my soul I need to let you go.  Your eyes they shine so bright I want to save that light. I can't escape this now unless you show me how."  The whole video is about people and their inner demons, and one is about a guy being abused most likely by his father.  It's so sad, and it's my life right there in a video.  I truly believe Joron was predestined to fall in love with me and leave me in order to force me to face my fucking demons, my shadow.  He wants to save my light, and I could not do it unless he showed me how.  And it's hurt but... how can I blame him now?

So there is my mission right this moment.  He had to turn from the love, even appear a little cruel, in order to slap me awake.  He had to go as far as to reject me in order for me to see my pattern of fear-behavior.  I can either fully commit myself to writing about him from a place of love, truth and belief in order to show him, myself, God, our Higher Self, and the universe that I really do know who he is and I love and trust him... or I can keep flip flopping between ego and love.  Joron did not up and move away and suddenly forget about me and my child.  Nope.  His silence is a reflection of me putting out the energy of "He just left me.  He does not love me."  The more I believe that the quieter he becomes.  Of course he does not ask about my child.  Why would he if I don't honestly trust him?

When we reconnected hard back in March I do remember him sending me a link and telling me to share it with my child.  Maybe, just maybe, it is hard for him to talk about my son because of all this.  Maybe he really fell for my kid and having to let HIS dreams go in order to save me from myself is hurting him to where it has to be like this.  Maybe it's not as easy for him to go quiet and walk away from the woman and child he decided to make a life with, the woman and child he fell in love with.

Maybe HE is hurting.

Maybe I really need to dig down deep and stop being such a fucking weenie and finally just believe that he loves me and this is all being orchestrated from above.  I know what to do but I shy away from doing it because it seems so... unreal.  I am told to write about the love.  The kisses.  Just the love, the him I knew, the real him.  The man who came over every couple days to sit with me, talk, cuddle and kiss- the just be with me.  The man who brought me two of those big round suckers for my son... Pop Rocks.  He brought my son pop rocks.  And a crystal growing kit that we have not used yet because it breaks my heart SO much that he's not with us.  I want him back in my life so badly.  I know he's a good man and all of this, as scary as it is, is controlled from above to get me past my fear.

Spirit will not let up.  So much craziness was shared between the two of us.  His last message was troubling to me yet I asked for it, ugh.  I reaped what I sowed but as I've been shown this whole time- nothing is unchangeable.  He loves me, loves us, and wants to be with us.  He wants a baby with me. But I do have to find it inside myself to drop the damn hurt ego already, put on my spiritual Big Girl Panties, and practice what I teach.

I love Joron.  I don't want us apart because he deserves love too, and I have a ton of love to give him. And I know he wants to love me.  I PRAY that God realizes I am ready to just own my own shit.  No more damn ego.  No more living from my head.  To save this union I'm going to have to shift to my heart and stay there, and it's what he deserves.  How unfair is it for me to judge him, be scared of him, shy away from him because he had to show me myself?  I do love him enough to trust and believe in him, so I will.

This is my song to my sweetheart.  I looked for you my entire life.  Lifetimes.  I'm  running back to you.  All these words inside my heart.  I loved our connection, our discussion- how you shared your heart with me.  I have all these words inside me... I can't bear to share them with another.  I have all this love and I can't give it to another.  Only you.

Only you.

Just My Heart

I miss my little Atheist Geologist Science Trip.  I can try to be SO fucking strong while we are separated but I love him so much and I want him BACK.  And I am tired of all the skepticism about love.  Too many people think love is so easy to overcome, to get back on the horse and find someone else.  I know in my heart I will never love another man like I love him, not with the same deep inner passion, joy and inspiration!  I'm not trying to create for myself a lackluster future but I only desire him.  His slight, jaunty, jovial bow-legged bouncy little self.  Walking with him was like walking along with Tigger- he's just so... adorable!

I imagine that if he were here in front of me, knowing, he'd take my hands, look into my eyes and say, "How could you ever believe that was me?"  Yes- I got a fortune cookie a few months ago when I was ready to give up.  It read, "Faithless is he who quits when the road darkens."  Well my road is dark right now yet I am having faith in that which I cannot see in this blackness.  I refuse to be in despair although it hovers nearby.  I've SEEN what Higher Self can do, and will do, based on my energy so I am reaching.  Putting myself out there little by little, inching closer and closer to throwing all my hope, belief, faith, dreams, etc. out there.  Joron and I are meant to be together.  My twin soul journey with him has been to show me my fear so I can overcome it.  And yeah I get it.  I can look back and see "The Dance" and how and why it happened.  It's almost textbook, scientific in nature in how I could actually chart and document my "proof" if I wanted to.  I slip into belief and back he comes.  I then freak out and off he goes.  After the situation back in March, when he went totally quiet after my energy took another nosedive, I really hit a rock bottom that I never came back from.  I could not find it in myself to trust him again.  Or trust Spirit.  Based on that I questioned him, didn't have faith in him.  I would get great advice but not follow it.  I was told NOT to question him about his silences but I let 3D urging from others spur me to question him- and I didn't like his answer.  And Spirit is so good to me that when I didn't like his "channeled" answer later I got a REAL answer: that he loves me with all of his heart.  And HE DOES LOVE ME WITH ALL OF HIS HEART.

Ugh- I am letting go of what I've done to allow room for what is to come.  I want my love back now.  We long to be together.  He's told me over and over throughout this separation that he wants to see me, wants to be with me.  And I want that too.  He once told me, "I don't want to lose you," and for God's sake... I want to draw close to me the best thing that ever happened to me besides my son.  He and my son are the two people I want most to share my life with.  I cannot rest completely without Joron in my life!  I KNOW what other twin soul peeps would say, "Surrender it.  Give him up.  Let him go."  I CANNOT DO THAT.  I can only hold on.  Put my love out there, and let The Universe know that YES I believe in his love.  Yes Joron I know you love me: it is fully evident when I look back, and I don't like to think of our love being kept separate due to my doubt or fear when our love is so pure and true.

I can't get certain images of him out of my head, like the first time we made love.  My God it was so sweet and real, and so so so right.  Like- we are absolutely perfect for each other, created for one another.  I'm really having a hard time being away from my Love.  My LOVE.  It's not because I want to get laid or can't handle being celibate- it's because I love HIM.  I want him... his sweet kisses.  His warm little body.  That belly he was so concerned about because he felt he was fat, lol.  I wish I could lean down and kiss him stomach.  Trail kisses all over his glorious body.  I want to see him look at me like he does, with total love and adoration in his baby blue eyes.  So mirthful and glittering, like his heart. 

I know this has all been for a purpose but I'm trying to be patient.  I really am.  I need Spirit to know that I am listening.  I see.  I know Joron is none of what is shown to me.  That is my fear.  He is actually Love, only love.  I know he'd never want to harm me... he's so sweet and kind.  I don't want him to hurt, and I don't care what others think about my sentiment.  I love and I can't help it, and I would not want to help it.

I tried meeting new people.  Tried and met a nice cute single man who wanted to date me... and it was so not right inside.  I am unable to be with anyone else.  My heart is holding out for my one true love.  He is worth it, and it is because of me that we are separated so how can I go out looking for love without giving it energetically my all?  I am not sure exactly what I should do- so I will pour it all out here for a while.  Remember him and his love.  I've been re-reading our old messages from before he left and it's bittersweet heartache because OH MY GOD he is perfect!  Love incarnate.  Like LOVE itself walked into my life on my 40th birthday and swept me off my feet- and honestly, does a person ever recover from something so perfectly wonderful?  Maybe not.  Maybe I don't want to.  Maybe he's it for me- I asked for him and I got him, my one and only true love. 

I love hard.  I love him hard.  I am not one to give up, and I am facing my fears.  I actually WANT the opportunity to face this fear so I HOPE and ask that Spirit gives me another opportunity because I see clearly now.  I can be tested and stand up to the test.  I won't back down to fear, and yes I wish I hadn't before.  I believe Spirit will give me another chance because Joron does love me.  He's out there with a ton of inner love for me- and it sucks that we are not together because together in ALL ways will be explosive and a ton of love created on earth.  Apart... apart I am discontent without my twin soul.  I won't lie and say I am all fine and dandy being separated from him.

I won't be content until I KNOW I have put ALL my energy into do anything I can to bring him back to me, to shift my energy around so we come back together.  If that means writing volumes then so bt it.  If it means boring the life out of anyone coming to read my blog now- then so be it.  If it means throwing caution to the wind in order to manifest with intention my fucking future because I DESERVE TRUE LOVE NOW.  I am so done with fear!

Do I REALLY think a man who fell so hard in love with me was going to just pick up and get on a mother fucking plane without even speaking to me first?  And those initial messages- they even felt wrong!  Even before I knew what was happening I did not fully believe they were coming from "him."  He kept shifting and I didn't understand.  Now I do.  He was reacting to my doubt energy, letting ME decide what was going to happen.  I tried.  I did, and Spirit knows this.  My intention was only love.  Only love.  I adored him, and still do.  He is my husband in my heart.  I make love to him with my soul.  I wish him the best from afar.  I want my twin soul happy- but I want him with ME.  No one can love him like I can, and he is meant to be my future.

Yes- he is amazing with my son.  He loves my child.  He fell in love with my child the first time he met him.  He laughed and told me how much it turns him on to see me be such a good mom.  HE is meant for us.  HIM.  JMY  <--- my future.

I am losing my mind.  I will admit it.  I've maintained a sense of normalcy and stability all along through this "relationship" but now- I'm really just losing my mind.  It's because I can see SO clearly that he was, is, and always has been total love but I RAN from him.  I ran from him.  I pushed him away with my fear energy and I am not happy about that because I want him with me so badly.  I love him so so so much.  I ache being away from him.  I've said this before- I don't want him for anything selfish.  Yes I want to kiss him, talking with him, love him and make love with him.  I want to cuddle and nurture him, take care of him- and for once in my life I want him to take care of ME!  I want someone I love and trust dearly to take care of me.  I deserve that, and I want it NOW- from him.  My twin soul.

I can't fucking stand it!  I can't.  And I keep a lot of it inside because when I talk to someone- I only want to talk about him anyway.  Yes it consumes me.  How can it not?  My whole life turned upside down.  Life is not the same as before I met him, never will be.  Once one knows perfection there is NO going back, no use.

Oh my God I just pray to have him back in my life.  I surrender- I'll do whatever is asked of me.  I'll write volumes.  I won't hide away my feelings or be scared.  Just please, please bring my love back to me now.  Let him feel how much I love and trust in him to take loving gentle care of me.  Let him know how I long to be his wife, the mother of his child.  How I know he is totally worthy of being my son's step-daddy, and how badly I want to create new life with him.  My future.

I love you so much my sweets.  My Science Trip.  You inspire me so... to where I just won't ever be the same now that I've known you.  I see life differently.  I am more calm and loving, more patient and kind.  I know suffering dear- and suffering can soften a person.  It has softened me.  Being without you... it does not feel good.  But you are all I want.  A life and family with you is my biggest dream.  You are ONLY love.  And you love me.  I know you love me.  So please feel me loving you and trusting in you.  I do believe in you, and in us.  I'm ready to move forward now.  With you by my side.  Forever, eternity.

Mirroring

Well... I write the same things over and over now so my apologies.  The more awareness I achieve the more clearly I see this union with Joron, and then the more I just sigh and wonder how one woman could have been so so so scared of love.

OH did he love me, and I am sure he still does inside although his love is sorta "shut off" to me right now.  Again, to refresh, my soul tells me that when I ignore his love then he ignores love.  When I get all freaked out over whether or not he loves me then he turns into "lack of love."  It's not the real him.  I think this is an issue in many twin soul unions although we don't want to admit it.  We want to blame them, think it's their ego issues, their fears, their running.  Well- either I am going through a VERY unique experience where I am the only twin soul going through this {highly doubtful} or else I am being shown with VIVID clarity exactly what happens when we have strong fears and those fears become real in a way that we cannot ignore.  In our limited 3D reality it SEEMS he is stuck in ego.  It seems like he left, went away and suddenly became a cold monster after one tiny scuffle.  If I did not know any better I'd think he is a narcissistic apathetic com-passionless dickhead just trying to hurt me.  That is, if I didn't know any better.  Luckily for me I've been shown the "mirror effect" very clearly and now I can believe.  He is still the same loving, kind, compassionate, caring and wonderful individual I knew here in my hometown.  The Universe, God, conspired to separate us so I could be shown my fear through him- so I can no longer ignore my fear and distrust concerning being loved, being love-able, being worthy, being someone who is easy to let go of...

We can ignore signs and synchronicity from above, even if it means life is falling apart in order to try and get our attention.  This may all be signs from soul/higher self/God yet we could overlook it if we want to.  Or if you are like me then you get strong clear guidance from above but you ignore that too.  I was told for a solid two years before meeting Joron to be very aware of my energy.  To be joyful.  To stop fear.  To believe I am love, and that I am LOVED.  But I would not listen.  I guess I just couldn't.  I was too scared.  I was raised in fear, and fear is what I knew.  I could ignore the signs.  I could even ignore this invisible entity that spoke to me from above... but I'll be fucking straight with you- I COULD NOT IGNORE IT ONCE THEY BEGAN USING JORON TO CHANNEL MY FEAR BACK TO ME.

Oh no.  No no no.  That shit I could not ignore, and that is exactly what happened.  My fear hit me like a ton of bricks because Joron is used as my mirror to show me my fear, and it ain't pretty.  I would not believe in the love.  I ignored the fact that he loved me!!!  How sad is that!!!  He perfectly oozed love.  It hurts when I look back at it now and see TRUTH.  He loves me so much.  He wrote things like "I think about you every minute of every day."  Or "I. Love. You. So. Much. Totally. OMG." He so totally completely showered me with a strong pure love.  A love mixed with a good dose of attraction, and he found me inspiring.  A love I'd never had before.  No one cared for me like that but HIM.  He treated me like a goddess, with respect and good old-fashioned manners.  Doted on me.  Cared.  Opened the door.  Was sweet to my adorable child.  Was patient with me.  And I did appreciate him, and he knows this.  But I was too damn scared to let it flow.  To let the love in completely.  Fear was always there, in my mind, killing me inside.  "But when might he get bored of me?  When might he choose work over me?"  OMG- the list of fears is endless.  I'd been schooled to believe in his love, cherish him, think nothing but goodness of him, and really just enjoy him.  And I couldn't do it.

I stopped trusting him.  I doubted him.  I feared him.  He was too perfect. I waited for it to fall apart... although I loved the stuffings out of him!

The more I worried and fretted the worse it got, and believe me I didn't really show it TO him.  It wasn't like I was some clingy desperate female.  Oh no- I am more clever than that; I tried to show him strength.  But inside I was scared.  I didn't just dive in to his love and swim around the the nice warm pool for a while.  Instead I let fear drown me.  And then he got the job offer.  And then he moved.  And then he... became my fear.  Quite literally.  I wore my best masks and soul saw right through them.

And the more I believed in the coldness he showed me {reflecting my inability to believe in his love} the more quiet and aloof he became.  The more I did NOT fully believe my higher self telling me that it was all orchestrated from above in order to heal me the more I saw my fear reflected through him.  I'd get it under control for a bit and he'd come back with a vengeance, his love cascading over me like the warmest most comforting waves... I'd feel him again.  He was the same man I knew and loved.  It was so unbelievable, hard for me to accept.  I was scared!  At times I wondered if he was psychotic and messing with my head, playing me.  Torturing me.  I can't believe I thought those things about this sweet amazing man.  He didn't, doesn't, really know what is happening either.  I can't even imagine what he thinks- probably that he's losing it.  My higher self resides inside my Love, and it works through him to teach me, heal me, and has saved me.  But being separated hurts.

I could write about this for hours.  I honestly think that there are others out there going through the same thing I am right now.  Fear has "changed" the one they love.  They don't understand why or how.  All they know is suddenly this amazing person "runs" off, shuts off, turns cold or even cruel- and it's heartbreaking, a nightmare.  And it is actually them reflecting our fears back to us.

If your twin soul has suddenly started acting like a prime dick, or if his love suddenly disappeared and he seems heartless, cruel or vicious... or maybe just lacking love and affection when he was once a jolly loving soul- it is not because YOU are an asshat.  No- it's because he is reflecting back to you some fear.  If you fear he will reject you- then he's gonna reject you.  If you fear he's gonna abandon you- then he's going to leave.  If you fear he will stop loving you then expect that love to be YANKED away one day.  And if your twin, like mine with me, lusts after you- then that lust will remain but the love will be gone and all you will receive are cold sexual messages that will push ALL of your fear buttons until you finally wake up one day and remember who he REALLY is, and stand up to the fear.

Read this and don't believe it if you don't want to.  I read all the time about "My twin is this or that or the other."  In doing so all you are doing is ensuring God makes your twin soul into the person you say he is.  If you say over and over "My twin is a narcissist" then expect to see him present that behavior to you.  We are not supposed to worry about what they are doing.  Maybe they are just really good people and GOD is working through them because WE are not ready.  It appears otherwise I know.  Maybe they have their own healing to do and YOU are supposed to love them through it while they are used to heal you, and them, accordingly.  I dunno your situation but I do know this... with my twin soul I am meant to love him through all of this.  I see clearly that no matter what has happened between us HE is a doll.  A dream come true.  My champion, my helper.  So am I, don't get me wrong.  I am a great person.  Loving, kind and true.  And he lets me know this- but he also reflects my fears to me.

I don't know exactly what is going to happen from here.  But I am in love with this man, his heart mind and soul, in a way I cannot express in words.  I can't date any other, and it's not some sick obsession.  I don't hear from him yet I feel him with me.  I can see him smiling in my mind.  I'd rather be alone than be with someone other than him {and that says a lot for me, someone who does not love being alone.} I am independent, whole and healthy... and very much in love with my Joron. 

My twin soul is love.
My twin soul loves me very much.
He is gentle.
He is kind.
He is caring.
He respects me: mind, body and spirit.
He only wants to protect me, help me, love me.
He is my friend, my confidant.
He loves me with no conditions.
He loves and accepts my son.
He knows and loves my wonderfulness, my loving self, my goodness and pure genuine nature.
My twin soul aches to see me again.
My twin soul wants me in his arms, forever.
He will melt when he sees me.
We are made for each other.
He is my future.

For my little science trip- I love you always.

 

Reflection...

Some beautiful images...

I love this picture of swans, of course, because I am a romantic at heart.  They are a pair- facing one another and bowing head to head they form a heart.  Isn't nature grand?  Such a true mirror for what is actually most important in life.  Swans form strong monogamous pair bonds that last for years, and many last for an entire lifetime.  They are one of the only animals who mate for life- and their foreheads nudged together in a sign of affection forms the universal shape of love.  I mean... come on. Does it get any more beautiful than that? 

 GeeeeeOrgeous. 

And this.  Solitary Reflection.

There is much to reflect on right now.  My mind still questions my heart and intuition with thoughts of "But how can that be?  He has Free Will.  How could Spirit just work through him?"  I still battle with the hows but I cannot ignore the almost scientific cause and effect of this situation.  If I wanted to take the time and energy I could go back and chart out exactly what happened between us and why, and it is ALL energetic!  Joron and I had a very beautiful love relationship.  It was only ever sweet and loving- there was one tussle at the end that was a jumping board to the separation but it was SO not an infraction that should have, in "real life," caused such a stark difference, a separation.  Only now as I look back in a more fearless manner I can see how he truly is my mirror, and how I sent fear and loss and lack and more fear out into the universe and he mirrors that back to me.  Only until I absolutely know this in my heart, that "knowing" Spirit speaks of, will the energy shift.  This means a few things.  I have to shift my focus.  I love Joron.  Life is... not the same without him in it.  But if I sit here missing him, sad and mired in the quagmire of "How did I let this happen?" it's going to totally derail me.  I have to find a way to move forward.  Slowly but surely I've been battling this but it's been an intense journey, and I've heard that twin souls are tested the closer they get to the end of the road.  The silence is not easy BUT I have not really done my work to try and hardcore shift things around so that is my next step.  

I haven't known exactly what to do.  In my heart I KNOW Joron's truth.  I've written it here ad nauseum.  Once I wrote it here after a long silence and he reached out immediately after to show me that YES Rose- this is it.  This is what you do.  You shift your belief from the negative to the positive.  This journey for me has forced me to pay attention to my energy and intention.  It has also helped heal me of schtuff I had to let go of {some of it I am still working on.}  The drinking was a major vice I had to kick, and I am totally sober.  The experience back in June, found here: 

http://twinsoulssilenceisgolden.blogspot.com/2014/06/intensity-fear-love-rest.html  

terrified me into sobriety; I don't necessarily regret that it happened but I am saddened that I had to let it get to that point.  I won't ever need AA though- that moment scared the shit right out of me.  That moment changed the energy and it has not shifted back yet.  I SAW what happened yet it scared me, and I've had a hard time overcoming THE MIRROR he shows me.  It's not him.  It's my reflection bouncing off {through} him, and I don't like it.  It scared me but if I can suspend my disbelief and just trust that he's being used as my mirror, that he agreed to do so before coming here, then it's very easy to believe.

I've been battling with fearing him.  It's not an easy journey watching someone you love seemingly change before your very eyes.  This is why The Universe separated us by 2100 miles- because he could never have done this to my face, never.  Our connection was and IS too tight, too pure and loving, for this to happen any other way that via email.  Spirit surely does work in mysterious ways!

I've been guided to write about him, write about the love.  To "jingle" {code word for "believe"} in the love.  Jingle the kisses.  I STILL have been avoiding writing because I am not sure what to write.  I don't really want to write about the last year any more.  It is over.  The anniversary of us meeting, our love, and his leaving me has come and gone.  In a few days it will be a year since he made love with me for the last time, looked into my eyes, hugged and kissed me and then walked out my door... I can remember watching him walk across my lawn to his car and I had NO FUCKING CLUE just how dramatically my life was about to change once he left.  He is special, my Beloved.  I am a good loving person of The Light, and only someone as special as he is would be paired with me in order to help heal and cleanse me of my inner shit.  I am told to remember the REAL him- to know who is truly is, love, and to realize that crap that comes through him is from Spirit trying to get my attention so I won't ignore my lessons, my healing.

I did some searching yesterday and came across a TS website with recent posts.  One woman posted the following on 8-4-14 which is rather recent.  I got goosebumps: I think this is my answer because a HUGE ginormous part of this concerns my very strong ability to manifest through intention.  So when I place all my energy on my fear over him, worrying that he no longer loves me, that is the energy that comes back to me.  If I would just FORGET this last year of lessons and remember him, my loving sweet boyfriend who is like the cutest little angel ever and soooo in crazy in love with me, then I'd assume the energy will shift from fear to love.  Here is what the poster said about her twin soul, and I know I was meant to find this yesterday: 

"I can't live without hope.

Every time I lose hope, I get some really loud signal to tell me HE IS THE ONE, HOLD ON! When I feel like things are beyond hopeless...so I hang in there and I trust.

What I've been doing is saying positives affirmations about my twin and about our relationship. My twin is beautiful. He is gentle, kind, sincere, he would never hurt me. That he loves me and wants the best for me. Every positive thing that I know to be true about him I say it over and over again in my mind. To remind myself of the true essence of him.

I renounce all negative traits, because it's not really him, it's not the true essence of who he is so I'm not even going to acknowledge it anymore.

My twin is perfect in soul and spirit. There is darkness, but it is obliterated in the face of the light of the truth of who he is. I am mad not to love him, he is everything to me.
Once God asked me, I want you to love your twin as much as you love me. And I was like, for real? Equally?

So that's taken me a while to fully embrace that and just see my twin as good, that he is a child of God and he embodies everything that is of God. So I keep believing, hoping and praying that everything will fall into place at the right time. I even pray for our unborn children.

I am realistic and practical though...I know we both need to heal our past wounds so we can have a stable future together. That's a given. From now until we meet again I will continue to see the best in my twin and never stop believing in love."

BAZINGA!  Bingo.  Ding ding ding!  She is hearing her soul speak to her whether she clearly realizes this.  It is basically what my guidance has been telling me, and it is why when I posted months back a totally loving description of how wonderful he was when we dated, right afterwards he contacted me and asked me to call him after weeks and weeks of silence, and after he promised to come see me and didn't show up- again... for those who might find my blog, read it and think my twin soul is a total asshat- he is NOT.  Each and every time we have reconnected I freak the fuck out inside, get fearful and my energy sends him off again.  He is NOT a runner.  Spirit uses him to teach me how to control my energy, how to create love instead of fear.

I am making a concerted effort now to shift this.  I HAVE to.  I read the forum as SF and it is ALL darkness.  All the others fault.  People say {the universe knows I'm just using this as an example} "My twin is narcissistic.  My twin is selfish.  My twin is mean and hateful and a jerk and etc. etc."  In doing that those people are just sending out to the universe what type of behavior they will get back from their twin soul.  I WATCH it happen in my situation, and believe me- if I was any less aware, if I could not see what is truly happening, I'd think this guy was a freak... and then I'd continue to manifest him being everything I fear.  He IS only love, only my little angel... my Beloved.  

Most of this will be written in my journal but for the record I too know that Joron's intention is only to treat me with love and affection.  That man longs to be married to me, cuddled up on the couch together at night, slipping into bed next to each other only to wake and say good morning and make amazing sweet early morning love.  He desires to share his life experiences with me.  He wants to again share links and info and thought and dreams and likes and similarities with me like we used to.  He is thankful that he found a woman with a mind like his... he loves that I love his nerdy science stuff like he does.  He wants me as his future, and we have a child out there just waiting to be born.  He wants me and my child in his life, always has.  He loves my son, and he cares for us.  He is goodness and Light, and loves humanity.  He is pure and kind.  Full of empathy.

Something interesting as it concerns mirroring.  In my heart I feel, totally know, that Joron is absolute sweetness and Light.  My desire, my leaning, through all of this has been to reassure him of his goodness and that I love him no matter what.  I do NOT have to force that- it is innately inside of me concerning him and his energy.  When I get craptacular messages from him the energy, stilted, disjointed, eerie, feels NOTHING like the man I love.  It's not him, and I have always knows this from the start.  This must say something about him because as everyone wants to remind me: I am HIS mirror too, and I have only ever wanted to shower him with love and affection.  This tells me it is because he deserves it.

And with me, despite all the craziness, Joron always tells me I am wonderful, beautiful, kind, sweet, etc.  He might show me a lack of affection because this mirrors my fear that he doesn't love me, but he NEVER ever says negative things about me because he can't.  As my mirror he can ONLY reflect back to me my own energy- and because I am a good person too he tells me as much but when I fear that he does not love me then he is apathetic and refuses to show me love.  When I fear that maybe, just maybe, this strangeness is really him THEN he writes things like "I'm such an asshole" referring to himself as an asshole to reflect me thinking that maybe he is a jerk {when I clearly know he is wonderful but fearful Monkey Brain can take over at times} but he does not fear that I do not love him so he still receives my love, feels me.  I am still "on" for him because he is not the one who fears- I do.  Does that make sense?  I hope it does.  I don't just sit here and write because it helps me, and it does help me.  But it is also my heartfelt desire, wish and intention that someone else who is on this strange journey dealing with similar feelings, fears, thoughts, etc. will find my words and take heed.  You are NOT going crazy.  God DOES work through them, very specifically.  It will feel like that have been taken over by an alien- and it is YOUR own energy.  

So be kind to yourself.  LOVE yourself.  I know I am memorable and worthy, one to be cherished and held on to despite time or distance or situation.  Know that about yourself too.  Be kind to others. Be kind to God, and be kind to your twin soul.  Think good thoughts.  Try to let fear go and replace it with love.  I am right there with you.  We truly are creating our own lives so let's create love, nothing but love.

I can't live without hope. Every time I lose hope, I get some really loud signal to tell me HE IS THE ONE, HOLD ON! When I feel like things are beyond hopeless...so I hang in there and I trust. What I've been doing is saying positives affirmations about my twin and about our relationship. My twin is beautiful. He is gentle, kind, sincere, he would never hurt me. That he loves me and wants the best for me. Every positive thing that I know to be true about him I say it over and over again in my mind. To remind myself of the true essence of him. I renounce all negative traits, because it's not really him, it's not the true essence of who he is so I'm not even going to acknowledge it anymore. My twin is perfect in soul and spirit. There is darkness, but it is obliterated in the face of the light of the truth of who he is. I am mad not to love him, he is everything to me. Once God asked me, I want you to love your twin as much as you love me. And I was like, for real? Equally? So that's taken me a while to fully embrace that and just see my twin as good, that he is a child of God and he embodies everything that is of God. So I keep believing, hoping and praying that everything will fall into place at the right time. I even pray for our unborn children. I am realistic and practical though...I know we both need to heal our past wounds so we can have a stable future together. That's a given. From now until we meet again I will continue to see the best in my twin and never stop believing in love.

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- See more at: http://www.beyond-hearing-voices.com/my-twin-flame.html#sthash.S1kREsTE.dpuf

It's an insane merry go round, this whole thing. This back and forth, playing games with our twin. Are we having fun? God laughs at my torment, I guess because He knows that things will be okay one day. I hope that day is soon because the longer I am without my twin...the more I long for him.

I can't live without hope.

Every time I lose hope, I get some really loud signal to tell me HE IS THE ONE, HOLD ON! When I feel like things are beyond hopeless...so I hang in there and I trust.

What I've been doing is saying positives affirmations about my twin and about our relationship. My twin is beautiful. He is gentle, kind, sincere, he would never hurt me. That he loves me and wants the best for me. Every positive thing that I know to be true about him I say it over and over again in my mind. To remind myself of the true essence of him.

I renounce all negative traits, because it's not really him, it's not the true essence of who he is so I'm not even going to acknowledge it anymore.

My twin is perfect in soul and spirit. There is darkness, but it is obliterated in the face of the light of the truth of who he is. I am mad not to love him, he is everything to me.
Once God asked me, I want you to love your twin as much as you love me. And I was like, for real? Equally?

So that's taken me a while to fully embrace that and just see my twin as good, that he is a child of God and he embodies everything that is of God. So I keep believing, hoping and praying that everything will fall into place at the right time. I even pray for our unborn children.

I am realistic and practical though...I know we both need to heal our past wounds so we can have a stable future together. That's a given. From now until we meet again I will continue to see the best in my twin and never stop believing in love. - See more at: http://www.beyond-hearing-voices.com/my-twin-flame.html#sthash.fI1jRpyJ.dpuf

It's an insane merry go round, this whole thing. This back and forth, playing games with our twin. Are we having fun? God laughs at my torment, I guess because He knows that things will be okay one day. I hope that day is soon because the longer I am without my twin...the more I long for him.

I can't live without hope.

Every time I lose hope, I get some really loud signal to tell me HE IS THE ONE, HOLD ON! When I feel like things are beyond hopeless...so I hang in there and I trust.

What I've been doing is saying positives affirmations about my twin and about our relationship. My twin is beautiful. He is gentle, kind, sincere, he would never hurt me. That he loves me and wants the best for me. Every positive thing that I know to be true about him I say it over and over again in my mind. To remind myself of the true essence of him.

I renounce all negative traits, because it's not really him, it's not the true essence of who he is so I'm not even going to acknowledge it anymore.

My twin is perfect in soul and spirit. There is darkness, but it is obliterated in the face of the light of the truth of who he is. I am mad not to love him, he is everything to me.
Once God asked me, I want you to love your twin as much as you love me. And I was like, for real? Equally?

So that's taken me a while to fully embrace that and just see my twin as good, that he is a child of God and he embodies everything that is of God. So I keep believing, hoping and praying that everything will fall into place at the right time. I even pray for our unborn children.

I am realistic and practical though...I know we both need to heal our past wounds so we can have a stable future together. That's a given. From now until we meet again I will continue to see the best in my twin and never stop believing in love. - See more at: http://www.beyond-hearing-voices.com/my-twin-flame.html#sthash.fI1jRpyJ.dpuf