Inside me still battles the fight between my head and my heart. I've endured a slow painful ego death but ego is not totally quieted yet. This I know because I keep finding myself getting resentful towards Joron. I will slip into having haughty offended conversations with him in my head where I feel all put-out and rejected. I want to know why he abandoned me after speaking to me my dreams. How could he show me such love and then just let me go? And these last few days I've been getting really annoyed over how he could have just walked away from my son. My sweet adorable son.
I've written here before about how Joron spent time with me and my son. Very specifically HE planned to spend time with us. I did not push him- it was his idea. He told me on his way to CA that he did not like how my ex treated me. He wanted to show my son and myself a new life. My son is sweet he said, and he wanted to learn how to be a good father figure to him. He asked me if I would raise him Christian and I told him I'd let him choose himself. He said he'd want to teach all about science, said "Maybe he'll be a scientist one day."
But when he "shut off" to me- he shut off HARDCORE. All warmth disappeared and it sucked. But now I remember just days before the shut off happened he said to me, "Be that butterfly and fly here to CA to be with me." He of course meant me and my son both. He told me he'd take care of us, that I would not have to work but could stay home and write. Instead of jumping for joy and asking "when?!" I got scared and said something stupid about "But what if I got there and you abandoned me?" Like WTF?! He did not say anything then- it's not like those words in 3D made him shut off. Oh no. They were used against me later but through mirroring. My words came back to bite me in the ass when he shut off completely. After he went quiet he did not ask about my son, not once. It used to drive me batty. I'd shovel snow last winter, the Winter from Hell, and just bitch in my head about him ignoring me and my child while he was off in sunny CA living it up. I'd ask him and God over and over in my mind how he could just walk away from us and not even ask about my son. Before I really knew what was happening the pain was incredible.
Now though? Well either I need to shit or get off the pot as it pertains to this connection because Joron is not going to want to stay single and celibate forever, and for the longest time he was making sure to let me know he was not dating. Throughout this separation he would let me know that *I* am the "dateable" one for him; the one he wanted. I didn't trust the love from the beginning because, well, I didn't know how to. I'm not really into psychobabble but I'm going to think that my fear of accepting love and my inability to believe or even recognize when a man truly loves me is part of what I am being healed of. Along with the drinking. It all deals with fear. Fucking FEAR. I was raised with a lot of fear. We had good times though too- and maybe I need to concentrate on the good times. My past is gone now, and I am not my past.
I am very much in love with this man. Like- I can't move on. I am unable to date others. I feel we were made for each other: born in the same hospital at the same time only to be reunited forty years later on my birthday. It's like being hit upside the head with a cosmic 2x4. Like God is screaming out to me, "Come on Rosie- don't give up now!" It could not be more obvious. And here is the problem...
The more that I ignore the love, the more that I turn away from believing he loves me, the less love he shows me! That's how Spirit is teaching me- it's the mirroring, and in my case I believe the mirroring is Higher Will playing middle man between us. I will doubt him and then that doubt is channeled through him back to me, and I do hate it. And I still fight believing it. I'm told constantly from above "ignore love and love ignores you." Or I am told that if I do not believe in the love then it will not be shown to me. It's mirroring, and it makes sense right? When I tell myself and the universe "I don't think he really loves me. What if he doesn't love me? Does he love me?" all I am shooting out to the peeps up above is "show me that he does not love me" and then he shows me all this crazy ambivalence and lack of empathy- no affection, And I took it a step farther with the drinking and fearing and inner vileness on my part and then I got hit REALLY hard through the mirroring, and it's been a steady battle between head and heart since then.
I've asked over and over how he does it. How is he such an open channel to Spirit? I am told he has a gift. And he must. He is a walking channel for Spirit when it comes to me- I am supposing this is because he is my twin soul. I've had every sign, symbol, message and heavenly billboard screaming at me that YES THIS IS HAPPENING. Back in December when I thought I might actually die, when I came *this* close to taking my own life, and he finally came through- he ended that message with "Oh and you'd better be working on your book." Totally channeled. Spirit wrote through him, and Spirit does that with him all the time. It's so weird though! So hard to believe! But my God it's true. I watch it happen all the time, and how can I blame that on him? I saw it when we dated, and I saw Spirit speak through him. Like I saw it, undeniable/ So why can't I give up the ghost and just surrender already?
The writing. I know why I was told to write over and over from every angle. It's because when I write I create my truth. Hence why I was inspired to write this blog. This blog is my truth, right here. The man's affections towards me are controlled from above and based on my OWN energy. It's a very effective way to teach me because I cannot escape it. But the truth is he loves me. There is no denying that. And it's sad to me because the love is strong. VERY strong, like from above strong. There have been a lot of songs that have guided me through this experience. "Demons" by Imagine Dragons was one of the first ones. I've asked myself over and over what might be Joron's issue. What are his demons? But maybe he doesn't have any. I know I do. I was drinking so much. I was trying to escape the pain of feeling so unloved even when love was thrust right up in my face. My masks were slapped on my face to hide my demons. I am such a good loving woman. My intention has only ever been love, even with Joron. I showed him my true self but I was terrified constantly that he'd leave me, forget me, walk away and find it very easy to leave me behind. My problem is I don't believe love when it's given to me. He had to show me my fear so I could face it. Demons- that song is for me, for us. The song says, "It's woven in my soul I need to let you go. Your eyes they shine so bright I want to save that light. I can't escape this now unless you show me how." The whole video is about people and their inner demons, and one is about a guy being abused most likely by his father. It's so sad, and it's my life right there in a video. I truly believe Joron was predestined to fall in love with me and leave me in order to force me to face my fucking demons, my shadow. He wants to save my light, and I could not do it unless he showed me how. And it's hurt but... how can I blame him now?
So there is my mission right this moment. He had to turn from the love, even appear a little cruel, in order to slap me awake. He had to go as far as to reject me in order for me to see my pattern of fear-behavior. I can either fully commit myself to writing about him from a place of love, truth and belief in order to show him, myself, God, our Higher Self, and the universe that I really do know who he is and I love and trust him... or I can keep flip flopping between ego and love. Joron did not up and move away and suddenly forget about me and my child. Nope. His silence is a reflection of me putting out the energy of "He just left me. He does not love me." The more I believe that the quieter he becomes. Of course he does not ask about my child. Why would he if I don't honestly trust him?
When we reconnected hard back in March I do remember him sending me a link and telling me to share it with my child. Maybe, just maybe, it is hard for him to talk about my son because of all this. Maybe he really fell for my kid and having to let HIS dreams go in order to save me from myself is hurting him to where it has to be like this. Maybe it's not as easy for him to go quiet and walk away from the woman and child he decided to make a life with, the woman and child he fell in love with.
Maybe HE is hurting.
Maybe I really need to dig down deep and stop being such a fucking weenie and finally just believe that he loves me and this is all being orchestrated from above. I know what to do but I shy away from doing it because it seems so... unreal. I am told to write about the love. The kisses. Just the love, the him I knew, the real him. The man who came over every couple days to sit with me, talk, cuddle and kiss- the just be with me. The man who brought me two of those big round suckers for my son... Pop Rocks. He brought my son pop rocks. And a crystal growing kit that we have not used yet because it breaks my heart SO much that he's not with us. I want him back in my life so badly. I know he's a good man and all of this, as scary as it is, is controlled from above to get me past my fear.
Spirit will not let up. So much craziness was shared between the two of us. His last message was troubling to me yet I asked for it, ugh. I reaped what I sowed but as I've been shown this whole time- nothing is unchangeable. He loves me, loves us, and wants to be with us. He wants a baby with me. But I do have to find it inside myself to drop the damn hurt ego already, put on my spiritual Big Girl Panties, and practice what I teach.
I love Joron. I don't want us apart because he deserves love too, and I have a ton of love to give him. And I know he wants to love me. I PRAY that God realizes I am ready to just own my own shit. No more damn ego. No more living from my head. To save this union I'm going to have to shift to my heart and stay there, and it's what he deserves. How unfair is it for me to judge him, be scared of him, shy away from him because he had to show me myself? I do love him enough to trust and believe in him, so I will.
This is my song to my sweetheart. I looked for you my entire life. Lifetimes. I'm running back to you. All these words inside my heart. I loved our connection, our discussion- how you shared your heart with me. I have all these words inside me... I can't bear to share them with another. I have all this love and I can't give it to another. Only you.
Only you.
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