Just My Heart

I miss my little Atheist Geologist Science Trip.  I can try to be SO fucking strong while we are separated but I love him so much and I want him BACK.  And I am tired of all the skepticism about love.  Too many people think love is so easy to overcome, to get back on the horse and find someone else.  I know in my heart I will never love another man like I love him, not with the same deep inner passion, joy and inspiration!  I'm not trying to create for myself a lackluster future but I only desire him.  His slight, jaunty, jovial bow-legged bouncy little self.  Walking with him was like walking along with Tigger- he's just so... adorable!

I imagine that if he were here in front of me, knowing, he'd take my hands, look into my eyes and say, "How could you ever believe that was me?"  Yes- I got a fortune cookie a few months ago when I was ready to give up.  It read, "Faithless is he who quits when the road darkens."  Well my road is dark right now yet I am having faith in that which I cannot see in this blackness.  I refuse to be in despair although it hovers nearby.  I've SEEN what Higher Self can do, and will do, based on my energy so I am reaching.  Putting myself out there little by little, inching closer and closer to throwing all my hope, belief, faith, dreams, etc. out there.  Joron and I are meant to be together.  My twin soul journey with him has been to show me my fear so I can overcome it.  And yeah I get it.  I can look back and see "The Dance" and how and why it happened.  It's almost textbook, scientific in nature in how I could actually chart and document my "proof" if I wanted to.  I slip into belief and back he comes.  I then freak out and off he goes.  After the situation back in March, when he went totally quiet after my energy took another nosedive, I really hit a rock bottom that I never came back from.  I could not find it in myself to trust him again.  Or trust Spirit.  Based on that I questioned him, didn't have faith in him.  I would get great advice but not follow it.  I was told NOT to question him about his silences but I let 3D urging from others spur me to question him- and I didn't like his answer.  And Spirit is so good to me that when I didn't like his "channeled" answer later I got a REAL answer: that he loves me with all of his heart.  And HE DOES LOVE ME WITH ALL OF HIS HEART.

Ugh- I am letting go of what I've done to allow room for what is to come.  I want my love back now.  We long to be together.  He's told me over and over throughout this separation that he wants to see me, wants to be with me.  And I want that too.  He once told me, "I don't want to lose you," and for God's sake... I want to draw close to me the best thing that ever happened to me besides my son.  He and my son are the two people I want most to share my life with.  I cannot rest completely without Joron in my life!  I KNOW what other twin soul peeps would say, "Surrender it.  Give him up.  Let him go."  I CANNOT DO THAT.  I can only hold on.  Put my love out there, and let The Universe know that YES I believe in his love.  Yes Joron I know you love me: it is fully evident when I look back, and I don't like to think of our love being kept separate due to my doubt or fear when our love is so pure and true.

I can't get certain images of him out of my head, like the first time we made love.  My God it was so sweet and real, and so so so right.  Like- we are absolutely perfect for each other, created for one another.  I'm really having a hard time being away from my Love.  My LOVE.  It's not because I want to get laid or can't handle being celibate- it's because I love HIM.  I want him... his sweet kisses.  His warm little body.  That belly he was so concerned about because he felt he was fat, lol.  I wish I could lean down and kiss him stomach.  Trail kisses all over his glorious body.  I want to see him look at me like he does, with total love and adoration in his baby blue eyes.  So mirthful and glittering, like his heart. 

I know this has all been for a purpose but I'm trying to be patient.  I really am.  I need Spirit to know that I am listening.  I see.  I know Joron is none of what is shown to me.  That is my fear.  He is actually Love, only love.  I know he'd never want to harm me... he's so sweet and kind.  I don't want him to hurt, and I don't care what others think about my sentiment.  I love and I can't help it, and I would not want to help it.

I tried meeting new people.  Tried and met a nice cute single man who wanted to date me... and it was so not right inside.  I am unable to be with anyone else.  My heart is holding out for my one true love.  He is worth it, and it is because of me that we are separated so how can I go out looking for love without giving it energetically my all?  I am not sure exactly what I should do- so I will pour it all out here for a while.  Remember him and his love.  I've been re-reading our old messages from before he left and it's bittersweet heartache because OH MY GOD he is perfect!  Love incarnate.  Like LOVE itself walked into my life on my 40th birthday and swept me off my feet- and honestly, does a person ever recover from something so perfectly wonderful?  Maybe not.  Maybe I don't want to.  Maybe he's it for me- I asked for him and I got him, my one and only true love. 

I love hard.  I love him hard.  I am not one to give up, and I am facing my fears.  I actually WANT the opportunity to face this fear so I HOPE and ask that Spirit gives me another opportunity because I see clearly now.  I can be tested and stand up to the test.  I won't back down to fear, and yes I wish I hadn't before.  I believe Spirit will give me another chance because Joron does love me.  He's out there with a ton of inner love for me- and it sucks that we are not together because together in ALL ways will be explosive and a ton of love created on earth.  Apart... apart I am discontent without my twin soul.  I won't lie and say I am all fine and dandy being separated from him.

I won't be content until I KNOW I have put ALL my energy into do anything I can to bring him back to me, to shift my energy around so we come back together.  If that means writing volumes then so bt it.  If it means boring the life out of anyone coming to read my blog now- then so be it.  If it means throwing caution to the wind in order to manifest with intention my fucking future because I DESERVE TRUE LOVE NOW.  I am so done with fear!

Do I REALLY think a man who fell so hard in love with me was going to just pick up and get on a mother fucking plane without even speaking to me first?  And those initial messages- they even felt wrong!  Even before I knew what was happening I did not fully believe they were coming from "him."  He kept shifting and I didn't understand.  Now I do.  He was reacting to my doubt energy, letting ME decide what was going to happen.  I tried.  I did, and Spirit knows this.  My intention was only love.  Only love.  I adored him, and still do.  He is my husband in my heart.  I make love to him with my soul.  I wish him the best from afar.  I want my twin soul happy- but I want him with ME.  No one can love him like I can, and he is meant to be my future.

Yes- he is amazing with my son.  He loves my child.  He fell in love with my child the first time he met him.  He laughed and told me how much it turns him on to see me be such a good mom.  HE is meant for us.  HIM.  JMY  <--- my future.

I am losing my mind.  I will admit it.  I've maintained a sense of normalcy and stability all along through this "relationship" but now- I'm really just losing my mind.  It's because I can see SO clearly that he was, is, and always has been total love but I RAN from him.  I ran from him.  I pushed him away with my fear energy and I am not happy about that because I want him with me so badly.  I love him so so so much.  I ache being away from him.  I've said this before- I don't want him for anything selfish.  Yes I want to kiss him, talking with him, love him and make love with him.  I want to cuddle and nurture him, take care of him- and for once in my life I want him to take care of ME!  I want someone I love and trust dearly to take care of me.  I deserve that, and I want it NOW- from him.  My twin soul.

I can't fucking stand it!  I can't.  And I keep a lot of it inside because when I talk to someone- I only want to talk about him anyway.  Yes it consumes me.  How can it not?  My whole life turned upside down.  Life is not the same as before I met him, never will be.  Once one knows perfection there is NO going back, no use.

Oh my God I just pray to have him back in my life.  I surrender- I'll do whatever is asked of me.  I'll write volumes.  I won't hide away my feelings or be scared.  Just please, please bring my love back to me now.  Let him feel how much I love and trust in him to take loving gentle care of me.  Let him know how I long to be his wife, the mother of his child.  How I know he is totally worthy of being my son's step-daddy, and how badly I want to create new life with him.  My future.

I love you so much my sweets.  My Science Trip.  You inspire me so... to where I just won't ever be the same now that I've known you.  I see life differently.  I am more calm and loving, more patient and kind.  I know suffering dear- and suffering can soften a person.  It has softened me.  Being without you... it does not feel good.  But you are all I want.  A life and family with you is my biggest dream.  You are ONLY love.  And you love me.  I know you love me.  So please feel me loving you and trusting in you.  I do believe in you, and in us.  I'm ready to move forward now.  With you by my side.  Forever, eternity.