Man oh man. I wonder if we are forced into silence in order to have space for clarity to sink in. The more time that passes without hearing from Joron the more clearly I can see what's been happening to me through knowing him. I do miss and love him, so so much. I wish he was back in my arms again, right now. But I have still had fear over him. It is a nightmare to fear that which you love. If you've never been through something like this then you can't quite understand what it feels like to LOVE someone with all my heart, to remember that person like the angel he was when he was in my life, but be shown a cold "version" of him that is used to basically push every button inside me so I'll change. To show me what it feels like when I ignore love in turn causing love to ignore me.
The drinking. Joron's messages to me finally got me to stop throwing back the whiskey, ceased the way I could go through an entire bottle of red wine a few nights a week. I was drinking so much, and as I've written here ad nauseum, I'd already been told to stop drinking. This past weekend I found some old channeling from 5-13, months before I met Joron. My guidance was telling me then to stop drinking. "Waffle not on this" which means- do not go back and forth on this decision to stop drinking. I was told NOT to drink because it was harming me and turning me into an alcoholic {like my own mom became at 40} but I would not listen.
I'm good for that- not listening. I am not proud of it but it's true. Even now I have not really been following what my guidance tells me. I've been thinking about dating, wanting to distract by talking to other men. I have been trying to push Joron out of my head so I can live a "normal" life, and it's not going to happen. And if I do strive to live a "normal" 3D limited life it means I am going to have to fight Spirit each step of the way. Why? Because I'm given every sign NOT to do it, not to cave to idle distraction. Not to be weak. I create log ins and passwords to dating sites and then they don't work. I created a new email address for a dating site, and so I could exchange it with others if I wanted to get to know them better... and I tried to use it and it was "invalid" when I KNOW what I created was correct. I know how to make an email address online. I know how to sign up for a site. My emails bounce back or get hung up. AND I will turn on the radio and hear all my songs. I heard "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls right when I was trying to connect with online dating. Either I am nuts and making connections where there are none or else I am getting every sign out there to just stick with this for now, to love Joron and not seek elsewhere.
I also tried re-joining the forum at SF and that would not work either. They did not email me back, and when I tried creating a new screen name {new email addy and everything} it would not work. And I keep getting a message that the email address is invalid. So for some reason I am not meant to post on the forum either. I think my energy is not meant to be used that way right now.
Obviously Spirit guides my life. Sometimes I fight it even when I don't mean to. I look back to June and I can't deny that I was just not getting it. I would not listen to my soul, and I refused to listen to Joron when he would tell me over and over how much he loved me.
I know I am not supposed to have regret but I am finding it hard not to. I am so so fucking sad that I didn't just grab on to his love and hold on tight. I tell myself this all had to happen so I could finally "wake up" and see things clearly about me and my life. I was drinking myself into oblivion. I have this blessed life and I would have really hit rock bottom had I not stopped drinking. And fearing love. I refused to believe when a man loves me. I totally ignored his love for me. He loves me so much and all I would think was "I hope he loves me," Never "I'm so glad he loves me!" Just fear and worry of "When will he think I'm no longer worth it?" I was so sure he'd move to CA and forget me. And that is what happened. He left and then just shut the fuck off, and I know it was a reflection of all the angst I was feeling inside myself. Fear. Worry. UGH!
Keep in mind the first night he fell off the face of the earth, almost a year ago exactly, I was passed out from drinking whiskey. Coincidence? Probably not. Then this past June Spirit hit me hard through Joron at a moment when I'd been drinking, fearing, hating and being an ass inside all weekend. I was mean to my kid. I was mean to God and my soul, and I was mean to myself. I drank all weekend, even in front of my child. I took out my frustration on him that Saturday morning by yelling at him, really just screaming and being mean to release all the shit I felt inside. I just wanted OUT- out of my life, out of this connection, out of my lessons. I wanted to self-destruct. I honestly think had I been alone that weekend that I may have went out and picked someone up, and that would NOT have been a good choice for me. I was SO angry that he was silent. I would not accept that YES he loves me, is trying so hard to show me, yet I just deny it and ignore it and when I doubt it then he's forced into silence in order to teach me, and to push all my shit out.
Well. Yes- that Sunday night when he wrote me those perfectly-timed messages that forever changed my life... well- they scared me. He scared me. And I have been frightened of him ever since. My sweet adorable boyfriend turned into my worst fears, a monster, or that is how it would seem to most. I read those messages and saw... MYSELF. It was scary overall. Terrifying to see how much POWER GOD HAS. My life is like a dream! It's unreal. God reached down through Joron and shook me. It SCARED me.
Now when I get an email my heart races, and not really with anticipation. I never know what to expect, lol. But I do know what to expect. As long as I feel calm and loving inside then his words will not be harsh. But if I doubt then I get doubt. And now, because I could not stop doubting and fearing, his last words to me were hard to take. They are difficult to look past although I know I am supposed to.
None of this is his intention. He loves me. I see that clearly. God used him to help save me. It was harsh and not at all fun but I am told to "Defend truth" and "Defend love." Defend him in my heart. Not be afraid of him. He did what he had to, and frankly it changed the energy between us.
I have not heard from my love since June. The energy that contacted me in August was not fully just my Joron. It was... surreal. Spirit working through him to push me to stand up to my truth but I could not quite do it. I still caved to thinking he was avoiding me, not loving me, not wanting to see me- which is ridiculous. If Joron was home and himself then he'd be here at my home in a heartbeat, sweeping me into his arms and kissing me as if his life depended on it.
I love him so so much, and I wish we didn't have to go through all of this in order for me to learn my lessons. He IS my ultimate mirror. He always tells me I am a good person, sweet, genuine, kind and beautiful. But mixed in with that is the coldness, the lack of love that is given to me when I fear that he does not love me. It's that fear that lead me to drink so it's one big ball of wax, and I hate it. I just hate it. I know I am blessed but I want this done now, and I want my love back with me. In my life.
I'm tired. I am told to defend my truth. I know my truth even though it is sometimes hard to take. He loves me. He loved me a ton when we were together last year, and I feared it all into a twin soul separation. He left but I am the runner. God uses him to help heal me and guide me, and I should not be afraid of him. He is the same love I knew when we were sitting on my couch cuddling. He has these tender gentle hands. Those hands that intertwined with my own on our first date as we walked hand in hand together down the street to the park. He'd reach up with a smile, touch the side of my face and turn my face towards his to kiss me. And kiss me. And kiss me. We would kiss for hours. HOURS. Faces close, giggling and smiling and softly talking all in between just kissing.
I want him back. My angel. The only man God knew could do this thing with me. He means so much to me that I fight to believe. Not sure I would have done that with anyone else but this man... only because he is so damn special. Once perfection comes strolling into your life- it's really fucking difficult to let it go. God knew that with me- knew Joron was the one thing I would not walk away from, not IGNORE. I can't ignore the messages and guidance I get when it's channeled through him- and I want it to end now! I really do. I just want my LOVE back. I know him. I trust him. I really do. I realize this has all been to teach me, and it has hurt. But shit... I know that man who was with me last year, and I can clearly see why this happened.
June kicked my ass. And no, things have not been the same since. I was so scared of him. He frightened me with his cold words. Yet I knew, clearly, why I got them. So it's a battle between my head and heart. Truth is clearly there. In August when "he" was writing to me he'd write something crazy strange and then he'd write and say, "Can you believe I just wrote that? I'm such an asshole. You deserve so much better than me. Why do you even love me?" And I KNEW what it meant- Spirit was telling me that if I even believe for one moment that the coldness is him then I am telling the universe, and Joron, that he's a total dickhead. Then he'd write and say, "You know that's not me. I am still the man you knew."
I am not sure what to write really. He's a doll and I love him. I know not to be afraid of him. I go back and read what we shared while we dated and I just sob because the love was so obvious yet due to my issues I doubted him. And now I really want him back. I pray that God brings my love back to me because I don't want any other besides him. Anyone else would be an idle replacement, and would be useless. There are nice men out there but none are as perfect for me as my twin soul. I want to achieve reunion. I want that true perfect soul love. I've fought so hard to hold on to the real him, to not blame him, to love him. I just wish we could be back together now.
And yes I see my issues, lack of self worth. I know where it came from: longing for my parent's love but never getting it. So now when someone loves me I can't even believe in the love since I never got it as a child. I get it. I'm not fucking blind. I know I am loveable, and I can see why all of this has happened.
He's not a monster. Not weak. Not a weenie. He's my love and my twin soul who was chosen to do some mighty hard things with me, and I do love him for it. When I allow myself to go back to him sitting on my couch on our last night together, holding my hand while I called my ex-husband who yelled at me and caused me all kinds of grief, and he told me he wanted to give me a new life, to love me and my son, I just wish I could go back knowing what I know now and do it all over.
I am just soooo wanting that life with him. I pray for this lesson to end. All I want, my heart's desire, is to be reunited with Joron. I'm not broken. I'm not needy. I am a strong independent woman living on my own choosing to stay single- but my dream is to be married to him, I want him as a strong step-daddy to my son, and I know he is supposed to be the father to my next child. My husband.
Sushi at our wedding. I dream of that day. I pray for it. I want to marry that man more than I've ever wanted anything. Yes- I am in hard in love. He is my future, and I want that future to begin now.
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