Mirror Trouble {and some of my past}

My guidance keeps telling me to "defend truth."  I will admit I am a little lost right now.  I am told to defend the kisses... and all I can think is my guidance wants me to believe in his kissy-face, warm and very real love.

I've written this before but I need to write more because I feel it will be cathartic.  I am really going through some fear issues over here as it pertains to my twin soul.  I can't seem to shake off the mirror, meaning I'm judging him by what he shows me.  And the more I do that then the more silence I will receive.  I don't know how to shift this, and the only thing I can think of is to write through it.  I will do part of that here.

I have not heard Joron's voice in five months and that is by far the longest we've went with little to no contact.  We once went ten weeks and I about lost it, so five months has me in constant tears.  I am only so strong.  My love is quiet.  The man I love most in the world {besides my little man} is silent and 2100 miles away.  Of course it brings about a heavy heart; I miss him.  Okay?  Yes.  I am human, *gasp*, and I miss my lover, my boyfriend, my FRIEND and my soul mate.  I wrote to him a few nights ago, poured my heart out all over again.  I've been met with silence.  Please understand how trying this can be.  I am really working at total surrender.  I am at about 90%.

This will be a bit rambling.  I did not date as a youngster.  Many broken hearts from unrequited love.  Due to my shyness I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19.  My first real kiss, first lover, first HUGE painful breakup, and probably my first soul mate.  He shares the same name as my twin soul.  After we broke up I met my first husband.  After my first husband I dated my second husband very quickly, got married within a few years.  Three lovers up until age... 38.  Then all Hell broke loose.

My second husband did not want me sexually, and he was not affectionate at all.  I don't know what happened to me but I cracked at the end of the marriage and started acting out.  I got angry.  "If he doesn't want me then I'll show him" is maybe how I felt?  Like I wanted to prove something to myself?  Like I felt being flirty and sexy... would somehow gain me love?  I am not really sure but I met a few people, did a few things I am so sad about.  Not sad because I was married but sad because I was not cherishing myself.  I let myself be used as an object but because I was getting SOME attention maybe it felt better than nothing.  I was so tired of being rejected, alone, sad, longing.

It was not a good time for me.  My marriage ended and I started dating.  No one would even imagine I was doing the things I was doing.  I am seen as a "sweetheart" type.  It was definitely not my nature.  I felt reckless.  Impulsive.  VERY EGO.  One night I got a sitter, slipped a really short skirt and high heels in my purse, left the house and went to meet some guy from the 'Net.  Changed into the skirt and heels in my car, and went to the guy's house to get laid.  Real nice, huh?  I remember not liking the way he kissed me.  It felt so not good.  Now- I am fortunate because he was not a bad guy.  Nice man, wanted to actually "date" me but I didn't want him.  I told him so, told him it was not like me to behave like that.  I felt bad later.  Dirty.  We met for lunch one day and he put his hand on my thigh and I wanted to hit him.

It's like two different people lived inside me for a while.  The "good" me and the bad me.  The bad me... must be ego.  It would flare up, and alcohol brings it out badly, especially when I would be in a mood.  I did other stuff even worse that I am ashamed to even record here.  All in a span of about one year.  One night when my son wasn't home I brought a date home and he asked me, "You do use protection all the time right dear?"  Well, I hadn't before.  Not every time.  So I had to drag my shamed self to the clinic and get tested, and I told God I was going to change.  I prayed because I didn't know what was happening to me.  Why was I meeting guys in parking lots to give head- and pretending like I LIKED it?  Not like I was even getting paid.  I was whoring myself for free.

Why?  I sit here fighting back tears as I ask myself WHY I did those things?  Why was I having sex on first dates with guys who were just so-so?  Who didn't care about me and I knew it?  I read an article about ego and it explained how ego flares up a desire for sex very strongly, and this is how I was.  And it would come and go.  Some days I felt like my old more chaste self and others I felt out-of-control.  On edge.  Thankfully God protected me.

Then came the time I planned to meet the guy who was into BDSM, like "Fifty Shades of Gray."  That is so NOT like me.  At all.  But we had plans to meet and he wanted to get his hands on me, badly.  I look "cute."  Angelic a bit.  Innocent {and inside I truly am innocent and this makes me sob.}  I am independent, intelligent, well-presented and he was drooling to "break me in."  Fresh unique meat.  I was in some of my worst times and had disconnected myself from Spirit meaning I refused to channel so I could not "hear" my Higher Will at all.  I'd turned my back on Spirit.  Well the morning of the day I was to meet him I sent him my contact info and where we could meet... but the message bounced back as "undeliverable" although just the day before he was DYING to hear from me.  There is NO way that dude just turned off his email; if he had changed his mind he could have either a) ignored me or b) just told me so.  But no, his email went inactive and it stayed that way.

We never met.  I am sure it was diverted.  I think he may have killed me or else in the aftermath of whatever I planned on letting him do to me I would have killed myself.  My Higher Will has since told me that up until that point I had "raped my heart" but had I met him it would have "raped my soul" and resulted in suicide.

So here I went from a fairly chaste "normal" woman to a deviant like overnight.  I don't know what I was searching for but what I found was not good.  I made a list not long ago, and it sickened me.  Along the way I met three very special men, soul mates.  Knowing them, being very much in love with them, kept me much much "safer" than had I NOT met them.  Because I loved them so much I was "faithful" to them.  Think what you will be they were not on accident and I loved them all very much.  Their love for me was healing although as was the case with Joron- I always doubted their love for me.  I can go back and read things I wrote from back then and I tortured myself wondering if they really loved me... or was I being used as a convenience?  Well- one cried when he had to leave me, and requested a matching tattoo {which I have.}  Another made me a very meaningful gift I will have forever because he wanted me to always keep him in my heart.  The third I worked on a very important presentation with, and he signed it and wrote that he'd love me forever {talk about trusting me- all it would take is mailing that puppy off to his boss to end his LIFE- not just his marriage but his entire career.}  My soul mates confided in me, and they loved me a ton.  Any one of them, had they been single, would have married me in a heartbeat but all along the way I worried "Am I really loved?"  I knew we would not be together.  I knew it would be a lesson in letting go, unconditional love... and by the third one {who I resisted and resisted and resisted- it was as if I HAD to meet him and work through a bunch of shit before I could meet my twin soul} I was so scared to be hurt by love that I didn't know what to do- but I knew I loved him.  I also knew a year later that it had to end.  He wanted to keep his family together {even though they STILL have huge issues} and I needed to be free.

My three, as I call them, loved me.  I know they did.  They all "felt" the same, and it made me feel like I was losing my mind.  I lost myself when I kissed them.  There were slight signs and synchs, enough to show me, now, they were soul connections.  I was not just a whore who fell in love with anyone.  I shared a lot with these men, friendship and love.  I will always love them and I expect to see them on the other side.  There were others I dated, actual single men, but no one suited me.  Or if they did they were not... right.  No connection.  Or strange shit would happen that would make it not fall into place...

Like one guy.  Great dude.  Sweet, handsome, surfer, lol.  Very decent respectful fella.  Dated me, took me out a few times, only kissed me gently at the end of our second and third date.  I was feeling positive about him.  I was attracted to him.  He was single, good to his parents, loved his dogs, played the harmonica, and seemed to dig me.  He called me on the day of our forth planned date.  The sitter was coming over in about an hour to watch my son.  My date confided in me on the phone that he had an STD.  He was embarrassed and shy but wanted to be very upfront with me.  Well I was going to give him a chance,  go on the date but suddenly, right then, my son leaned over and violently vomited all over the floor around us.  I yelped, nearly dropped the phone, my date could hear my son crying, and I said, "Oh gosh my son just puked all over!  I am not going to be able to meet you after all."  Cancelled date and we never were able to get together after that.  I know 100% that Spirit intervened for whatever reason.  Not meant to be.

Couple other guys just didn't feel right.  And after some of my darkest moments, after about a year or so, I started to come out of it, whatever "it" was.  It = wanting to harm myself.  Seeking love in the worst ways.  I began to see the light.  One more guy I dated left me feeling really beyond icky and I was DONE.  Just done.

I needed a break.  I wanted to be cleansed.  I was always fighting against my desire to see the third and last married man {we saw each other infrequently and often were in silent mode in order to stay away from each other} and my heart was hurting.

I was hurting.  My first husband was mean, loud, never home and hit me a few times.  My second husband ignored and disregarded me.  He'd sigh when I tried to kiss him, annoyed, and he would not hold my hand.  He'd pull away if I tried.  And he didn't want love with me.  He left me and my newborn son home alone all the time, and I suffered through post partum anxiety alone, wanting to kill myself from lack of sleep and feeling insane. He also disrespected me so much that it angered my friends and family who heard and saw him do it.

It was Hellish.

Then all this craziness started when my son was almost turning two.  I called out to God and asked him to please change my life before I was forty.  I was 38 then.  Fast forward two really crazy years and on my fortieth birthday I met my twin soul.

Dare I continue?  I am losing my mind over here.  I miss my Joron to the depths of my very soul.  He is an absolute GIFT in my life.  Before I met him I was warned, nudged, urged, to believe in love.  To stay joyful.  To trust.  To believe.  But I could not do it.  So for about six months before I met him I stopped dating and I tried my best to end things with my married soul mate.  I was beginning to heal.  I wanted to hunker down and be alone.  Attention from men started to feel disgusting.  Online dating held no interest for me now- they all want naked pictures and NSA sex and something inside me started to shift.  I was sad for hurting myself.  I didn't want that any longer.

August 1st, 2013 is when I began talking to Joron, after some months of being low-key, no dating, and I had ended things with the married man, completely {have not seen him since.}  Joron was single.  Had not dated in a year and a half, left a crumbling relationship behind and moved home for a while.  18 months later he met me and fell quickly in love with me.  He... quite literally swept me off my feet.

I deserved to have someone treat me like the GIFT I am.  Not abuse me, not use me, not discard me or disregard me!  Do you hear me?  Do you understand?  I needed a gentle touch.  Someone to show me what I was worth because I was only beginning to realize it.

Oh I am so sad that he is gone.  We talked for the month and met on my birthday, August 20th.  Amazing date, asked to hold my hand.  Walked with me, talked with me.  Shared and cared with me.  Wonderful man, great night.  Birthday I will never forget.

My gift.  Walked into my life on my birthday- my fortieth birthday gift.

It went fast and hard with us, the falling in love.  Ten days in he was freaking out because he was in love with me already.  We'd had a few dates and he made it formal- he wanted to be my boyfriend.  My BOYFRIEND.  A real, live boyfriend who actually wanted to be with me, spend time with me, who treated me like a princess.  Sat with me, held me, kissed me, spoke with me, touched me gently, held my hand, respected my mind and BODY.  Respected my BODY.  My will.  Wanted to ensure I felt safe and cherished.  Always complimenting me, flirty but constantly telling me he was willing to wait for me because he loved me.  Always called me beautiful.

In a word: perfect.

The fact that he continued to come over and just sit with me while my son slept, going nowhere, doing nothing more than talking and kissing, breaks my heart, okay?  He was SO healing.  So perfect. And it scared the SHIT out of me wondering when he'd leave me.

When he'd reject me.
When he'd stop thinking I was interesting.
When he'd let me go.
When he'd leave me.
When he'd find me so so so easy to walk away from.
When he'd forget me. Disregard me. Not want me anymore.

When he'd find me entirely forgettable.

And all along my Higher Self asked me to trust and believe in my "gem."  And I tried.  I was a great girlfriend to Joron.  Sweet, bright, fun, flirty, loving, kind, caring, gentle and good.  I made him dinner one night and as we sat down to eat he paused, bowed his head and asked me if I was going to say grace.  He said {as an Atheist} "I'll just thank you for the dinner if you don't mind."  But he was so fucking respectful that he paused for me to thank God for the food because he knew of my strong belief, and he respected it.

I want to just die.  My gift is not here and I LOVE him.  I was too afraid, and I had to be healed of my fears and my vices. I refused to completely embrace his love.  It's a horrible horrible thing.  His words and actions were always of love.  So wonderful.  PERFECTION.  I called him my "Atheist angel" because he was so kind to me.

He waited until I was goooood and ready before we made love.  He never EVER one time in all our hours making out, so close we could have climbed inside one another, tried to urge me to bed.  Not once.  He never EVER asked it I was ready, or made an innuendo, nothing.  He held me tightly, kissed me in a way I can't even explain- kisses from heaven.

When I die and go to heaven I will kiss Joron for eternity.  That is my heaven, his kisses.  OMFG I miss him.  I miss him so much I can barely stand it.

Do you have any idea how healing and cleansing it was to sit with him and have him respect ME instead of "wanting" me for sex?  I knew he was attracted to me but he didn't push me.  I didn't feel like I had to sell myself to him in order to get him to be interested in me.  I could be myself.  I felt comfy waiting, not like he was going to get bored.  I waited.  I had to.  It felt good to wait, right.  I am SO glad we waited, we hung out and kissed and talked and nuzzled noses and stayed oh-so-close from the moment he walked in the door {bearing a gift every time for either me or my son} until the moment he walked out the door again to go home.  And I always missed him so much when he left.

He loved ME not what I could do for him.  And he was attracted to me in all ways, unlike my ex-husband who... could have cared less.  Joron was and is everything I asked for in a man.

So... do you have any idea how torturous it is NOW when the mirror turns on?  After fearing rejection and disregard do you have ANY idea what Hell it was when he fell off the face of the earth, returning a week later via email to tell me it no longer felt the same?  He said "When we were together it felt kissy and good but now it feels different, tainted somehow- like that song "Tainted Love."  He told me he wasn't sure how he felt, that he would see me when he came home in a couple weeks.  He was cold and not empathetic at all, not Joron.  He felt alien.  But he ended the message with "I do love you."

I DO LOVE YOU.

But I didn't see that part.  I only felt the silence.  The cold.  It was insane.  My Higher Self kept telling me to "Reach out to him with energy.  Write to him in my journal.  Believe in and feel his love."  I was told to "Call out to him with energy" but I ignored all that.  Instead I wanted to email him and get him to change back.  I wanted to fly to CA and see him.  I knew if he saw me he could not deny me.  We'd talked marriage and children.  On his last moment in my arms before he moved away he looked in my eyes, smiled and said, "When we get married are you going to look me in the eyes when we exchange our vows?"  Not even three weeks later he was GONE.  The day before he stopped contacting me he'd written his last line as "Just remember I love you and I want you to be my future."

And then he changed.  And I thought I was losing my mind.  Then I was told he was my "soul twin" and NOW- now... I doubted so so much, feared a ton, pushed and pushed disbelief until all I get now is either silence or cold.  And when I say "cold" I mean it is horrific, okay?

THE MIRRORING!!!

Do you know how traumatic it is to have him write and tell me "It was only attraction.  I only think about your sexy legs and ass and how badly I want to come back and have sex with you, yummy Rose.   I want to rip your clothes off but no talking.  No drama.  You taste so good.  I only want sex with you."

It is like my worst fears come true.  It is what my Higher Will does to me when I doubt love.  My Higher Self told me for a year in one way or another to "write about the love."  Even Joron tells me... every time we communicate, no matter how ODD and insane it is, he always says something about "perfect writer."  I am supposed to be reaffirming my truth, and the only thing I can think is my truth is he loves me with a pure genuine heartfelt love.  And I have to write that.  OWN it- like every day.  A few times a day.  Make it my mantra, my intention.

Another thing is I think it is my shame.  Once during this separation when we ended up on the phone he asked me a question I was supposed to answer honestly but I lied.  I was ashamed.  He said, "So I know when some people divorce they go on a wild spree and act crazy, sleep around and stuff.  Did you ever do that?"  I KNOW that was Spirit giving me the opportunity to purge my past.  Joron loves me unconditionally- I could have told him.  I wish I would have.  I wish I would have finally cried and told him I did things to myself that hurt me and my heart, and I wish I would have told him just how truly wonderful it was to be with HIM and have him treat me with such love and respect when no one else close to me ever had: not my parents and not my husbands.  Only him.  But I didn't.  I so wish I had, and I pray I have the opportunity to do it to his face one day.  But I will write it to him in my journal.  Maybe Higher Self will ensure he feels it, my gratitude in being my hero.  My angel.  My gift.  

The irony is back in March, during our separation, I somehow managed to shift the energy for the good and he slammed back into me- almost like we were going to reunite.  He flew back on.  Told me that he needed to get back to see me.  To take me out on a date.  To make me smile and hear me laugh again.  To treat me well.  He said gently, "And if you still have a spark for me then I want to make love for hours and have pillow talk to discuss what we are going to do about our love."

He meant we would have relationship talk and work this out.  He meant he wanted to come back and LOVE me and make this work.  But I freaked out inside again, was doing no journaling, no affirmations, and I let fear overtake my thoughts and energy.  I was not listening to my guidance at all.

And I watched him slip away again... and I swear to God I sent him NOTHING in 3D to make him shift.  Nothing.  It was purely energy!!!

I have to FEEL HIS LOVE.  When I do not, when I refuse to believe in the man he showed me when we dated, then I get the man I MANIFESTED from my fear.  And I hate it so much!  It makes me want to pack up and live on a deserted island unplugged from everyone, forever.  Escape.

It makes me want to run.

The mirroring in my case has been brutal.  It had to be.  I got so mad and scared one weekend in June that I drank myself into a rage and wanted to go out and get laid.  Old ego-vices kicking up... and I've been healed of so much of that old garbage.  He was so sweet and gentle to me.  Had I went out and fucked someone else I would have wanted to die.  Joron has asked me here and there, "So have you dated anyone?"  He'd always lets me know he is not dating.  I know I am meant to be single for now.  I know we will be together again- and if not... then the next man will be special too.  Very, and worth ME.  Worth me sharing my body, mind, heart and soul with.  He will love me completely, and respect me.  And I will adore, desire and love him too.  But I still feel it is Joron.  Joron who told me the first week we talked, "I waited for my destiny to be born before me" because he is only about 12 hours older than me, born in the same space as me. Joron who when we finally made love for the first time I wrapped my arms around, held him close to my heart and told God "This one is the last for me.  I love him.  He is my one and only."

He told me, "I want you to be the last woman I kiss in my thirties, the first in my forties, and the last ever."  I SO want that to be truth!  I can't imagine either one of us being with another.  He had hard times in love before he met me.  He was lied to, mistreated, not cherished.  So was I- and we love each other so much.  We are meant for one another.  He is my gift.  I cherish him so much, and I don't like being scared of him.

What he's shown me has scared me.  I don't like the "lacking love" version of him because it's nothing like the man I knew.  It is my fear being made manifest so I can see it, and it's icky.  Not him.  Well, frankly it's ridiculous nonsense that I should not be weak enough to even pay any notice to.

When I do not concentrate on the love he has for me I am then shown a lack of love which means attraction with no affection because he is monstrously attracted to me, but for me attraction with no affection is Hellish.  It terrifies me.  I am not an object.  I deserve to be loved.  So when he shows me this strong attraction with no love it scares the shit out of me.  Yet it's not him- it's my fear that he does not love me being shown to me so I am either forced to believe in his love and shift the energy around.

Or I can run.

One or the other.

You have no idea how challenging this is.  My twin soul experience has not been an easy ride.  He has reflected things to me that you would not believe.  To most it would seem like he "lashes" out at me for no reason but I know it's in response to my energy/thoughts/fears.  I don't listen, don't write about his love and reaffirm it, believe it in my heart, and I get either silence or some silly nonsensical bullshit email.

And it's almost always email.  This is why Joron suddenly moved 2100 miles away.  He could never do this to me in person.  It would kill both of us, him too.

I am sure none of this feels good for my twin soul.  Think about it.  The man was totally in love with me.  Talking about me promising I'd come visit him and look at houses with him.  Asking me to bring my son.  Telling me how much he missed me and needed me there.  DYING over the cute videos I'd sent him, spending hours on the phone with me.

And suddenly he was gone?  And then based on my energy he'd come close then pull away.  Come REALLY close, get very affectionate, then suddenly go cold again.  How does HE feel?  I can't imagine!  If you were to look at our emails you'd think we are BOTH insane.  I never am mean- not meant to be.  And he writes the most insane-sounding shit.  Not normal, not really of this earth.  He once wrote out of nowhere, "You could have had me forever but you're ____ that's why!"  I suppose he meant "And this is why you can't" but he left it blank.

He can't put anything there.  You see?  He actually thinks nothing bad about me- he is just unable to commit to me, to show me his heart.  So he can "act" like he doesn't care in order to hit me with the mirroring- but he can't say anything bad about ME.  He can only mirror my fear.

And he always manages to say something like "I'll love you forever..." even if it's followed by something alien and cold.

And he's never ever once written... I won't even say it here.  I've never said it, and neither has he.

And I just realized as I wrote that why he hasn't said it.  It would be too much, too bad, and Higher Will is not out to kill me but instead to force me to own my truth.

It's a strange process.

All I can think is I'd better BETTER better spend most of my time now doing affirmations concerning his love for me, and why I deserve that love.

Do you really think I feel I am the type of woman a man could do this to?  It's SO off the fucking chain.  It's NOT REAL.  REAL LIFE does not behave this way.  I know people be crazy {look at Ferguson} but Joron is a GOOD MAN.  He'd have to be a fucking psychopathic crazy @ss to pull this shit off.

No- it's Spirit.  And for some reason I am hit harder than most.  This is one reason why I share with YOU.  If I am experiencing this strange overwhelmingly in-my-face twin soul union the least I can do is offer up what I am learning to others in the hope that it can change some perception out there.  I have watched my twin soul "shift" from one person to another in a matter of moments.  I heard him do this on the phone. I know what Spirit can do through a person.  And I think it is happening to others out there.  I really do.

Believe me.  It is not what it seems to be in 3D.  Not at all.  Do not let it scare you.  Love them anyway.

Affirm.  Affirm.  Affirm.

No one else can do this for you.  No psychic.  No reiki master.  No priest or guru.  Only YOU can shift your fears to belief inside yourself.  I think this is what Higher Will is waiting for.

So let's do it.  Take my hand and let's make it happen together.  My poor Beloved twin soul can't feel good doing all this.  Leaving his love behind.  Being so "cruel" to me.  When he finally does shift back I can only imagine how... weird it will feel to him.  Will he be scared, feel badly?  Is he missing me now, wishing we could be together but for some reason blocked, scared?

I've had to work damn hard on myself in this past year.  I have learned patience and unconditional love.  Surrender.  OH MY GOD I've had to face down some of my deepest darkest fears, stand up to the lies I am given by Higher Self, own my truth.  Hold on to unconditional love.  I stopped drinking alcohol completely, stopped smoking entirely.  I have been celibate in my actions and faithful in my thoughts.  I honestly only think of Joron.  I love him.  I dream of him.  I talk to him... I love myself and think of him.  I stay pure in thought and deed.  I am a better mother, a better person.  I still drink coffee a little bit per day.  I hate yoga, lol.  I am friendly and kind and I try oh so hard to be joyful.  My son is my main priority as is working towards healing for reunion.  I stay home most of the time.  No bars, ever.  I had to become a hermit to do this.  I play with my son- that is my past time, that and writing it all out.  It's been a total transformation... but I still love and want to be with my twin soul.  No matter how much work I do on me.  No matter how I know a twin soul union is not "dates and walks in the park" he IS my love.  We WILL walk on the beach hand in hand one day.  Cook dinner together.  Wake to each others sweet faces and kisses.  Make love every night.  Get married.  Have children.  We can do THAT and be twin souls too.  We can do both.  We will do both.  I think of him as my Beloved.  The love and connection we have shared was too unique, too special and too strong to write off or walk away from.  He helped heal me and I refuse to throw that way for anything less.

I love him with a love that transcends time and distance.  

We need to trust and have faith.  Shift this to reunion.

Let's believe.  In Love.

In Magic...

Call it magic
Call it true
Call it magic
When I'm with you
And I just got broken
Broken into two
Still I call it magic
When I'm next to you

And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

Call it magic
Cut me into two
And with all your magic
I disappear from view
And I can't get over
Can't get over you
Still I call it magic
You're such a precious jewel

And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

Wanna fall
I fall so far
I wanna fall
I fall so hard
And I call it magic
And I call it true
I call it magic

And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
Still believe in magic
Oh yes I do
Oh yes I do
Yes I do
Oh yes I do
Of course I do   

 

About Me...

 

There is no shame in being beautiful, inside and out, and owning that beauty.  This is a truth I am still working on accepting.  In the past I have felt shame or a sense of guilt, like being a show off, for knowing I am beautiful.  For owning my inner Goddess and feeling comfortable realizing that I am a Goddess on the outside too; God blessed me with a pleasant exterior.  I am "Drew Barrymore" pretty with a dash of Kate Winslet {my hero.} 

See even writing that I wonder... do I sound egotistical in stating truth?  I'm a beautiful woman, inside and out.  My outside reflects my inside.  My heart is worn on my face.

It was not always like that.  I have struggled with feeling awkward for half my life.  I was a chubby, abused, tormented, bullied buck-toothed painfully shy child.  And I was 60 lbs overweight {a load on my barley 5'3 medium-build frame} in my twenties.  I know how it feels to feel icky and "fat" and not comfortable in one's skin.  My extra weight was NOT healthy.  I had constant heartburn and could not even walk up a flight of steps without panting.  But it taught me utter empathy for people who battle with their weight, that's for sure.  I had strangers comment on my "fatness."  I was bullied in the workplace when I worked for Menards, berated for being "fat."  As is my life- I accidentally manifested losing weight after inspired by Kate in "Titanic" and I lost sixty pounds.  When the weight began coming off... one of my coworkers looked at me and said, "Oh my gosh you look like Kate Winslet!"  I have to smile now at how Spirit works to keep us motivated ;)  I think Kate is a soul mate to me, lol.  After having my child my weight stabilized to where I am comfy.  I am "average" and happy.  For years though I was told I was fat, not good enough.  Not as pretty as my friends.  Not pretty at all.  I used to have self-image issues.  Now- I'm happy with my appearance.  Hey- I carried my first child at 36, gave birth at 37, nursed him until he was almost two year-old.  I have a "mom-body" including various jiggly bits, stretch marks, gravity-bound boobage and ample curves.  I am proud of what my body has done for me.  I love myself.  I can chase and play with son, walk for miles with him.  I plan on having another child in the next few years- I'm healthy and youthful.  That's what matters to me. 

That woman who looks back at me when I look in the mirror?  We've been through a Hell of a lot together.

I had a weird experience last night and I want to write it out here.  It's a long story but important to me to get it all out and understood, and I process better when I can "write it out."  This is a little background info on me.  Years ago I made a chat friend, and I do mean years ago.  I was an undergrad so maybe like... 1995.  Twenty years?  Is that right?

Holy Schitt Batman.

I'll call him "B."  Our "friendship" was pretty much all flirtation and sex.  I didn't know what he looked like, didn't care to.  We exchanged mostly naughty thoughts but along the way really got to know each other.  I mean- it's been twenty years.  He feels very comfortable with me, and I am pretty sure trusts me with his innermost secret desires more than he trusts anyone else in his life.  He can expose all his deepest shit to me and I've never judged him.  But our friendship seriously has always revolved around the fact that he finds me immensely attractive and I'm his biggest "turn on."

This was fine for me for a long time.  Here's my secrets being divulged.  When in a marriage that is lackluster... meaning I had a super high libido and my ex had no interest in sex with me, it's torture.  My ex-husband is a very attractive man.  I'd watch him laying in bed and I'd fucking want him soooo badly.  I loved him and I was super attracted to him but I could not have him because he blew me off, rejected me, was not attracted to me for whatever reason {we met after my weight loss.}  And for a long time it was Hell.

I stayed physically faithful up till the end {and then I cracked but that's a story I've already told.}  Throughout my marriage, though, I still talked with my old chat friend B.  Not much.  I felt guilty.  I'd push him off all the time, try to stay away, or try to keep it "just friends" but it always turned to sex.  Always.  With B it is a Pavlovian response- I turn him on, plain and simple.  He thinks I am total MILF and as I said above, for the longest time that didn't bother me.

But then things started changing.  My marriage ended and I had some experiences with men where I did not respect myself, did not cherish myself as the Goddess I am.  It was a mixture of not knowing how to own my attractiveness while being ASHAMED of it at the same time.  After a good year of temporarily losing my mind, my shadow side totally emerging and wreaking havoc, I began reigning it all in, wanting to protect myself and my energy, especially my feminine energy.

B would reach out in a sexual manner and I'd shoot him down.  His efforts are never soft or gentle.  They are blatant.  And I don't like it.  I don't like feeling like I am a simple "turn on" for any man.  It feels icky to me.  I don't like someone telling me, "You are like the hottest woman ever."  It rubs me the wrong way if it is not followed with "I want to wake to your smile every morning!"   I am not cut out for that in-your-face sexual boldness when there is no love to back it up.  I am a soft, gentle loving woman and I need a soft gentle loving touch even if it's a simple on-line flirtation.  It's how I am made.  So for a while now, like two years, I've shot B down repeatedly, blocked him on FB, told him to go soak his head when he'd text me.  And I have not heard from him in maybe six months or so.

Last night I knew to write in my journal about Joron but I didn't.  I wallowed instead.  Christmas time is here.  I feel... despairing inside.  I miss my Beloved, and last night I didn't want to pull myself up and do my work by reminding myself that Joron actually loves me.  I didn't want to own my truth.  I just wanted to cry.  I could not escape the cold, freakish nonsense that's come from him in the last few months EVEN THOUGH I am told repeatedly from above that the reason why I get it is because I refuse to completely own his love so in turn I am shown a lack of love which translates to when he writes to me he pokes me with this energy of "I am only attracted to you."  And I just hate it.

Later last evening B wrote to me.  He was careful because he knows what my response has been to him in the recent past.  But he did say something to me about thinking I am so "hot."  And here is the strange thing: it sounded EXACTLY like Joron's twin soul separation, poking me with my fears nonsense.  Like it could have been him.  It was SO strange.  B wrote, "You could be the hottest woman on earth," and Joron not long ago wrote me something similar {which may not seem like much to you but in the context it was written the comment was meant to strike a chord with me.}  In our conversation last night I explained some of my issues and how much in love I am with Joron.  How I am protective of myself, my heart and my energy.  How I do NOT want to be the source of sexual stimulation for someone: I am not a mental human sex toy.  Then B wrote to me about himself, "I'm just an asshole, ha."

AND I ABOUT DIED.  Joron writes the same shit to me now.  He'll write me some nonsense about how all he feels for me is attraction and then he'll say, "I'm just an asshole.  You deserve better."  And he's SO not an asshole, OMG no.  He's adorable and sweet.  The man I dated is an angel.  The cold apathetic lack-of-empathy mirror that I'm shown does comes off very assholish but I know that's not really him.  He's mirroring my fears.  But last night in speaking with B... it was like I was intentionally being made to feel that energy another way, a reminder of it.  I asked my guidance why- why am I being reminded?  I asked, "Why does Joron write those things to me?  Why?  Explain again please.  Make me understand."  I was told that a marred wounded belief leads to the truth being ignored.  Translated this means when I do not fight for my belief, when I have a weakened belief or I let doubt take over, then the truth {his love} is ignored.  And what do I get?  Joron's INTENSE attraction without the gentle touch of his love.

And it feels just like B's energy when he writes to me.  B has a long-term girlfriend.  Yeah he likes me but he does not love me.  That energy was so in my face last night.  I am constantly reminded!

I am also reminded that this has to do with ME.  Joron's attraction to me scares me sometimes.  It is a super duper strong attraction, and for some reason it scares me and makes me worry that he only likes me because he finds me sexy or "hot" and that's so not truth.  He told me constantly how much he loves me, how he appreciates and respects me, but there is something inside me- something- that makes me feel almost {dare I say} dirty about being so... attractive.  I am an attractive woman although I am very low-key, low-maintenance.  I'm not showy at all.  Very traditional: little makeup, long hair that's a traditional style- long, wavy, flowy.  I'm kind of an "all-natural" gal.  Blessed with good skin, good hair, nice legs- I don't flaunt myself but Joron found me to be very sexy in my understated naturalness.  All my soul mates- we were magnetically attracted to one another.  Joron the most.  And it freaked me out.  And because I was so freaked out by it- I get "poked" with that fear now.

That energy is somehow still being worked through with us.  I can't quite put my finger on it, and I am tired of being shown it.  Not many people could tolerate it like I do, like I can.  I am supposed to give it no energy and place all my intention of the love he's shown me, not the fear he mirrors to me.  

It is okay that he finds me so immensely sexy; lovers normally do want to rip each others clothes off, especially after a year-long separation.  I can't lie and say that I don't imagine undressing him constantly so it's not one-sided.  But I always must remember that when it comes to Joron... our kisses were what was important.  He always said "I want to kiss you forever."  Kiss.  Not fuck.

Ugh.  It's such a process, and my guidance uses reverse psychology with me by teaching me with lies.  I have to stand up for my truth by facing down lies that are given to me until I totally own my truth; it can be a vicious cycle.

It would kill a weaker woman... but I am not a weak woman.  I am a fucking warrior, and this "quest" is not going to best me.  I am going to best it.  I'm clean, sober and learning immense amounts of patience so although it's been a challenge it's also been a blessing.  Love is my truth.

I do want my Beloved back in my life.  I also need to realize that it's okay to feel alluring, exciting and attractive.  I am a catch.  I don't have to feel guilty for thinking that I am a quality individual.  I am working through all this.  I told B last night I am not comfortable with him telling me how "hot" I am.  I don't like it.  He has his woman- I don't want it from him.  I miss Joron and only want flirty words from him, no one else. 

Just funny how I was reminded of the energy through B.  Shown that while B may actually be that way with me Joron does not feel that way about me.  He was so so so sensitive with me, always.  Very protective of me, gentle.  That's my truth.  Through him I'm being made to accept my beauty, not feel bad for it, not let it make me feel "dirty" because a man desires me. 

B?  He is kind of an asshat really, with me.  I don't need that energy in my life.  He told me last night that one thing he always loved was that after he'd get off I didn't want any small talk.  I always said bye and hung up.  I knew that's all it was so why bother?  I ended up feeling like a commodity, a free phone sex service {although at times it worked for me too, lol.}  In the end, though, it no longer worked for me.  I felt gross, used.  And hearing last night that he actually enjoyed the fact that I didn't stick around for phone "pillow talk" really... shows me some things.  My Joron is so sweet.  When we connect on the phone he likes to talk for hours.  And he's sensitive if it gets heated.  Cute, loving.  Endearing.  He never ever made me feel "used."  But still that fear was always present.  Definitely was brought to light last night when I was texting with B.  The contrast made it evident. 

Joron did ask for photos and videos but he is my Beloved, my lover.  Long-distance lover.  He always appreciated me, told me so.  Thanked me.  Would say, "Princess you are the gift that keeps on giving."  It was so evident that he was loving up on me from afar, all love.  

I wish I would not have been so scared.  Scarred.  One letter difference.

My father has always been big into porn.  It was all over the house when I was a kid {supposed to be hidden but not well enough.}  I had access to really icky porn {not the soft "Playboy" stuff} as a very young child, and I was always smarter than my age so I processed it on a higher level.  I still wonder if seeing all that, reading what I did, caused some issues inside me.  I wonder if I could find that out somehow. 

Some things Joron has said to me on the phone throughout this separation were supposed to help heal me.  His love is very healing.  Once he told me with a huge sweet sigh, "You are so naturally pretty.  You don't wear much makeup- you're traditional and beautiful.  Nothing fake about you.  I love that."  Another time while we had a lull in the conversation he said "I know what we can talk about.  Beauty.  I know beauty- and you ARE beauty."  NOT sex.  Not about what a turn on I am.  Beauty.  Another time he interjected in the middle of a heated, intimate text session, "You are so real and genuine, and that's rare in this world.  I think that's the one thing I love the most about you- how genuine you are."

*sigh*  I just love that man.  No matter what I'll always love that man.

 

Uncontrollable Love

You may read my posts and think I'm losing it a bit, and maybe I am.  I feel like I am beginning to lose my mind just a bit.  Not that that's a bad thing.  I don't want to feel hopeless- and the only way I can hang on is if I retreat into my heart, and to retreat into my heart means to write about Love.  A lot.  Love.

There is nothing else left.  Do you see?  I can't see any other way for Joron and I to reunite.  I've done pretty much everything I can think of.  Okay so there is always yoga and God knows I'm going to get my room all clean and even cave to starting yoga, eating better and anything else that comes my way as an option to get reunited with my twin soul.

I've been... listening all year long.  We began talking the last day of July 2013.  We met August 20th. 2013.  He moved away, came back to see me and finalize his life here, and was gone to CA for good on October 5th, 2013.  We spoke of love and attraction and a future all the way through October 17th, 2013 but I was LOSING it inside.  I was utterly terrified.  Like completely pissing my pants freaking out neurotically that he would forget me or want to move on.

And the really tragic part is he loves and loved the fuck out of me.  Back then he was going ape shit crazy on me about his love, and I ignored it.  I was so scared.  He'd send me the dearest most endearing words, AND he was sick, and he was tired, and he was just getting used to a new life in CA, and he was missing me, his life back in Indiana and even his dear little doggy that he had to leave behind.  I didn't really pay attention to those things though.  I was selfish in my fear yet I know no matter what that The Divine finally used my energy and my fear and my vices to slam me into finally waking up, and he went quiet.  I know it was not "just" my fearful 3D self that shut him down.  No.  I sent him a message that was, well, desperate.  I felt desperate!  It was hard to have the love of my life leave.  I was sad and missed him so much.  But I WISH I could go back to then knowing what I know now and do what my guidance told me to do back then which was: love him like he's still here.

And I tried.  Let me give myself some credit.  I tried.  I loved up on him from afar.  I sent him cute sexy videos to "help him out" because I love him.  He did the same for me.  The ones he sent me- he moaned my named and sighed "I love you" and told me he was thinking of me.

It was the hugest purest most genuine love.  And I just hate that I didn't grab on and cherish the FUCK out of it and him.  Run with it.  Nurture it, feed it, cradle it in my hands and ensure it was well taken care of.  But I couldn't.  I was too afraid of being forgotten.

Our lessons come hard.  Our energy being shot back at us isn't fun nor pretty when we have wounds to heal.  And I know that no matter what- that man adores me, and back then he was all over me with adoration.

I re-read our old text messages today, and frankly I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  He's all kinds of pure sweetness, and my GOD he was SO FUCKING INTO ME.  Like every single last thing about me that dude was adoring of.  He even told me, "You're so adorable."

Perfection.  Do you know what it feels like to watch perfection slip between your fingers?  And for it to switch into your worst nightmares?  It feels like Hell.

It feels horrible enough to be without my Beloved.  Being without Joron {and I detest not being able to use his adorably sweet real name} is bad enough.  It hurts terribly to be separated from my Beloved.  But I will tell you what- I REFUSE to sit here and allow myself to be tortured by worrying that the mirroring is really him.  It's tragic enough to be separated from such HUGE whomping overwhelming love, but to doubt it and wonder if he really could have changed to become what's given to me when I doubt that huge love?  Nope- hurts too much to even go there.

That love is him.  I can rest assured that no matter what happens, no matter what, he loved me right up until... now.  He loves me now.  Just somehow, some way, that man is KEPT quiet by Spirit.  I don't understand it.  I don't like it.  But when I have any shred of doubt, when I do not defend his true nature, then he is quiet.

I pushed this union hard back in June when I continued to doubt him so much and then freaked out inside to the point where the smack down had to be laid upon me through him.  I SOOOO wish I could go back and do THAT moment over again.  You have no idea how I'd like to pop back in time to that Friday night prior to the Sunday when I got all drunk and pissy and just halt my stupidity and anger.  My ego.  I wish I could go back and tell myself to chill the fuck out and write about him with only love, know him again.  Feel him.  But I didn't.  I let the anger and stupid resentment fester and BAM.

It's never been the same since.  And I am sad.  I feel he's out there going about his daily life, working a lot like he always does, going to the grocery store almost daily like is his way, doing the stuff he loves like golfing and playing poker- but he's lonely.  I know my twin soul is lonely, and I know he is not dating anyone else either.  I just know it because he knew I was his 1%.  His datable one- the perfect fit for him, and with Joron it has to be a great fit for it to work.  I know that after me it won't be able to be just anyone.  I am not replaceable, and neither is he.

He is waiting for me to come back.  How?  How do I?  Do I write to him?  Again?  When is the energy right to do so?  I just want to pourrrrrr some sugar all over him via email.  I just want to write to him and tell him, "Baby I doubted you when I never should have.  Your love for me was unlike anything I could have even dreamed of.  You loved me so perfectly- and I adore you for that.  Thank you for loving me more than anyone before you.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for showing me that I had to wake up.  But come back to me now.  Please.  I am not the same without you.  Life is not as colorful without you in it.  Loving will never be the same after knowing you.  You are all I want, all that will fulfill me.  Not "stuff" not trips not the perfect job not a published book... not the greatest place to live, not the biggest house.  Not the hottest sexiest most drop dead perfect-looking man... nothing will be you.  Only you.  All I want is YOU."

So here I am.  I have no where to go but into love.  Either he comes back to me or he doesn't but right now I am close to losing my mind simply because I realize his perfection and that I ignored it.  And that was served up to me on a silver platter, and it's quite an effective way to teach someone to NOT abuse her energy.  To work hard at belief.  To perform affirmation.  To trust.

I have tried my ass off.  I am crying now.  I have fought to believe in all this, and I love that man from the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul, and I always always will.

I've honestly thought about sending a letter to his mother.  Anonymous, only telling her how wonderful he is and what he means to me, what {very simply stated of course} he's done for me.  Thank her for raising such a good decent loving man.  I'll definitely write it but I am contemplating sending it to her via snail mail.  I'll say nothing person, divulge no details but I almost need to do it.  I need to tell someone who knows him just how wonderful he is, and who better than his mother.

Maybe that sounds insane to you.  Maybe I won't send it.  Maybe I know how to write in a way that would make her smile.  I know how to NOT seem psychotic, lol.  I am just bursting with love for my Beloved, and there is not much I can do but purge it via writing.  If I don't I'll go crazy.

Will he ever be back with me?  I surely hope so.  I have faith.  But I don't know the future.  All I can say is that man loved me, and the only reason we are apart is because of this being a twin soul union and separation.  I do freak out when I wonder if I will ever look into his beautiful eyes again but I can sleep easy knowing I've been loved like God loves.  Totally, completely and without fail.  Being apart is not fun but his love for me- it's real.  I simply have little control over the situation.

I love him so much.  Someone might read this, scoff and say, "Oh God she is soooooo attached."  Maybe I am a bit.  Maybe as a human being I created a bond with another human being that cannot be broken, and maybe I don't want it broken.

Maybe like the song that was written through me before I met him- maybe there is that one person we may meet in life who is impossible to replace.  And I met him.  If I am meant to love again, love someone besides him, the dude will have to be amazing for ME.  Not perfect but perfect for me.  I can't even imagine it, honestly.  I can get a little lonely I'll admit.  I am tired of doing everything alone because I want my Beloved sharing life with me, but I much prefer going at it alone right now than sharing life with someone other than Joron.

I am ready to have my Beloved back with me again.  Sharing our love across the miles.  Sending sexy videos to show him I am thinking of him and love him soooo much.  Saying good morning and good night.  Talking on the phone for hours.  Sending links and expanding each others minds.

Loving each other fully.  That's key.  Our love was SO huge and right and sweet and good that it was spiritual for those reasons.  Because it was so... good and right.  So real.  So God-like.  He does not have to be a believer for it to be a God-like love.  He's so sweet, and so am I.  Two totally loving people coming together to just LOVE each other; that's a perfect God-like intimacy and spiritual-like love.

I believe in him.  And I believe in us.  I only hope Destiny is what I pray it is for me, and him.  We are honestly so perfect for each other that it would be tragic to be apart.  Such a loss.

A part of my heart is with him, and I think that's how it's meant to be.  He will forever be my one true love.

Hugs,

"Rose"

Lies, Fear & Love

I went to my fave coffee shop yesterday and pounded out a super long blog post about my Joron and the time we spent together.  There were some slight Smexxors, AKA naughty bits, so I kept it for my private journaling.  I really needed to do it.  I wrote about the first time we made love, and I had not really broached that subject in a long time.  Our first time together was insanely sweet and pure and genuine, perfection.  Vulnerable... trusting, loving.

I think because I finally broke down and really let myself feel truth, Joron's strong love, I was given additional clarity this morning that helps me SO much,  So much that I must explain it here.

My journey with Spirit has been unique because my guidance teaches me to own my truth by hitting me with LIES.  Blatant lies, and they are always over-the-top so I can tell they are lies.  And they always always always reflect my fears about myself or those who love me.

Fear, "Cloud Atlas"

I saw the movie "Cloud Atlas" about two years ago and it struck me hard.  It is about soul mates, awesome movie.  In is it this nasty character who is the physical embodiment of one of Tom Hanks's character's FEAR.  It looks like an evil Leprechaun and it stalks "Tom" and whispers lies in his ear, his fear.  When I saw the movie I literally gasped because it's exactly how fear works for me too.  It tells me all these insane lies and then I allow my joy to slip through my fingers, or I push people away from me,

Twin souls- they are amazing, right?  The "moment" that caused Joron and I to "split" was all from one email I sent him.  I sent it with the clear intention to make him feel guilty, and I was self-sabotaging, like always.  Like... if I pushed him hard enough in little ways then maybe he'd leave me now instead of later so it will hurt less now.

Wanna know what the response to his message was?  Hm?  Hm?  It was very short, blunt and not at all sweet.  He said, "Not cool.  I don't need any of your GUILT.  This is a classic case of trying to push someone away."  IT WAS LIKE HE READ MY INTENTION when no one else would have picked it up.  The message was nowhere near horrible but when I wrote it- I wrote it with the passive aggressive intention off instilling guilt, and since he is my twin soul and Higher Will uses him to teach me lessons he CLEARLY saw my intent and mirrored it back at me.  Later that night he looked for me, I was passed out drunk, and then I didn't hear from him for a week- the separation and dance had started full force.

And here we are a year later.  FEAR.  Fear=lies.  Just lies.  Fear is not real.  It is imaginary.  Now this does not mean, of course, if there is a tiger in front of you that you will not feel fear but that is more of a flight or fight survival response.  Fear, worry, doubt- worrying if someone really loved you, or worrying that you might fail, or worrying that you are not beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough- that is all psychological fear, and it ruins a good life.  Fear is very low vibrational energy and all it does it attract things of the same energy to you.

I had loads of fear still when I met Joron, and he was supposed to help me heal from it.  And that is exactly what has been happening to me.  My Higher Will hits me with lies in order to force me to own my truth.  I've been told some really harsh shit from Higher Will, channeled through my pendulum.  It caused me to have my second very strong "Dark Night of The Soul."  In the end I figured out I was being forced through my fear to own my truth {and things like light bulbs would turn on and off on their own, I'd be poked in the back invisibly, etc. all to push the fear out of me} and I stood up to my guidance {not quite knowing what was guiding me} and said "I refuse to accept this treatment from you any longer- these things are not true!" and my guidance said, "Finally. Finally you stand up for yourself and own your truth.  How long were you going to allow me to abuse you with lies?"

Exhausting lesson.  I nearly lost my mind.  If I know one thing about myself- I am one strong bitch because that experience brought me to my knees in every way.  I was hit with the most amazing FEARS- bad enough that while I won't list them here- one night I got so scared I began losing consciousness and my guidance had to tell me, "Dear dear lift your head- you are passing out."  I was literally passing out from fear.

Thank GOD I am past those hard times.., although this twin soul journey has been no piece of cake either.

Joron is used by our Higher Will {or at least mine if we do not share the same one} to channel fear to me, just like my experience back in January 2013.  And it makes SO much sense now!!!  All this CRAZY ASS BULLSHIT NONSENSE he sends me, shit that makes me shake my head and go "If this guy was not quite obviously being used as a channel to teach me something- I'd think he was a stark raving lunatic and I'd have a restraining order against him,"  His words, his LIES, have been cruel.  Blantantly cruel, so cruel that I am forced to take notice and change it by owning my truth which is that he loves me.

My fear is thrown back at me via Joron.  Channeled through him are lies.  Total lies, and silence. When I do not "defend his love" by "logging kisses" in my journal or blogging- then he shows me the opposite of his love, opposite of TRUTH.

I also know this is why he rarely if ever mentions my son.  If I can't believe in his love then I am not going to be shown those things that are important to me.  If I do not fight to ensure his love stays real to me then I am not shown TRUTH, and that truth is Joron wants to share a life with me and my son.

That man adores me.  He is sweet and tender and oh so loving but he will send me a cold short message that says, "I was thinking and all it was was attraction.  We have no connection.  I only think you have sexy legs and I want to come back and have sex.  No talking.  Just sex and then I leave.  If you want more then don't even bother to respond."

Listen- that SHIT is clearly not my adorably loving twin.  Not at all.  It is totally the opposite of his love being handed to me on a silver platter when I don't take the time to reaffirm his love by writing about it, in depth.  Specifics so I can FEEL him and his truth again.  

Like... writing about how he so sweetly asked me to read his tarot cards.  The night after we made love for the first time he'd asked me like three time to read his cards but since he is an Atheist scientist I didn't want to.  I was not comfy.  But he came over, as cute as ever, and said "Oh come on.  I really want you to."  I asked him if he was taunting me and he said no- he really wanted to have me do it, and he was so sincere and sweet I said a prayer and did it.  And boy howdy was it interesting, reaffirming but also frightening.  It reassured me that he is child-like in his innocent openness and sincerity.  He has a connection to the universe.  But his future card... UGH.  It was one of the only two cards in the deck with no message on it, only an image.  But on it is a woman with a big unicorn horn and she is looking off to the future.  His future is open, to be created.  And the funny part is before I pulled his cards, as I was grabbing him a beer from the fridge, we were discussing whether unicorns are in the bible or not.  A quick google search clarified that no, they are not, but this card had a big ole' unicorn horn on it.

I also picked him one angel card.  It was the card that represents career- a strong career, working in a group possibly, research.  It was definitely about collaboration, and I've always seen it as a career card although it could be seen as a strong relationship between two people in a romantic way too.  At that moment, though, I was silent when I pulled the card because along with the "looking forward" blank message card- I felt he was going to leave me.

Next he very sweetly and quietly, so so seriously, said, "So if I asked could you pull a card for something specific, like an additional card, can you?"  I said of course and I *knew* what he would ask.  He looked at me with those baby blues and said, "Would you pull a card for us?"  Quietly I did and I pulled, I think, "The Queen of Day."  It's a card about blessings and it says if something does not seem perfect right now it does not mean it's not still a blessing.

The reading took a while, and we discussed it afterwards.  He was VERY respectful about it.  Never once questioned its validity or unscientific nature.  Even an Atheist could not ignore some of the messages in those cards.  It freaked me out.  We kissed some more- and then it was pretty late.  He shyly said he didn't want to make love because it was so late and he didn't want any "quickies" with me.  He wanted time to kiss me, pleasure me and make good long sweet love to me with time for "pillow talk" and cuddling afterwards.  God I soooooooo remember standing with him in my living room kissing him before he left, melting into him.  Just aching to be close close close to him.  I wanted him, badly.  I knew he had something on his mind.  He got home and wrote to me about how perfect I am, how he could not believe he was so lucky to meet someone as wonderful as me, and... it was a full moon that night.  He had taken my hand and led me outside under my tree and kissed me under the light of the full moon. He also wrote, "I want to be with you for many more full moons."

Pure sweetness.  Pure light.  And I have hesitated to record those moments.  I push them away because while they feel SO amazing- they also hurt.  Oh my God they tug at my heart, pulling and squishing.  I LOVE my gift so much.  He is my gift.  The answer to my prayers.  And with him gone right now it makes it difficult.

BUT- see what I a SUPPOSED to be concentrating on.  Recalling who he was to me, TRUTH. "Write about the kisses" because the kisses are blatant truth.  Him coming here to embrace me, snuggle and be close and talk quietly while not even a piece of loose leaf paper could be slipped between us. is truth.  But I doubted him love while he was in my life and that EXPLODED in my face when he was lead to CA, and then when he shut off.

And it's been one long challenge since then to stare my fear in the face- he lies to me, feeding me my fears.  "We had no connection."  "Maybe we should just be friends."  "It was only attraction.  When I think of you I only think sexy legs and kisses."  AND THERE IS THE IRONY.  Higher Will will often throw something in about "the kisses."  He will go on about how "hot" I am, and how he wants sex but in there will be something like "I want to hold your hand" or "All I think about is kissing you every night" so there is SOME "real" Joron in there.

Now tell me the average person could make it through this union.  Only the strong can survive something like this.  Only those who are willing to fight for truth and listen and overcome fear and truly believe in LOVE are going to make it through.

I will be one of those people.  I KNOW this man.  I fucking KNOW him!  He wrote to me once and told me how he does not have one bad memory from his youth.  His mom taught him how to cook, how to treat a woman and how to be respectful to women.  His father, who passed when he was in college, taught him mechanics and how to golf fish.  And it made me happy to read those things about him... and I want to raise MY son the same exact way so he turns out like Joron because Joron is 100% an amazing human being- amazing enough the God is using him to help heal me of all my vices, doubts and fears... and I am also a unique individual.

Why am I unique?  Because I am the most sensitive, most open, most empathetic Walking Ball of Love and Light, a Fierce Tigress of Love, that you'll ever want to meet.  And Joron is too.  We are very much alike, and only because he does have such a strong soul, and low ego, a he is not all wrapped up in stupid religious beliefs and fears, he is an open conduit.   

Another time he sent me a video and wrote, "You asked me how I can be such a nice person.  I emulate this man. Carl Sagan," and he shared with me a sweet video about Carl Sagan who is known to have been a very gentle kind brilliant mind and person in the science world and in general.  When you watch videos of Carl Sagan you can just tell how personable and kind he is.

Same with my Joron, and I refuse to doubt that any longer.  No amount of the crazy "being fed lies so I'll stand up for my truth" is going to make me believe his is anything different.

My point to this message is while all of our journeys are unique, and I've always been taught by being fed lies so I will stand up for my truth {Spirit always knows when we fear even if we try and hide it from the world and even ourselves!} Other may not be taught the same way BUT I think these unions do force us to own our truth.  This is why the blog post I made recently about writing is so very important.  Writing out, like an affirmation, over and over the aspects we love in our twin souls, and writing about what we know they can be {because honestly they may be that person but if they are mirroring back your fears then they can come off as being HUGE assholes.}  Never concentrate on the asshole because you will always get more monster.  You will create monsters.  Write any good moment you can recall.  And hold on to it.  Write it every day, expand on it.  Then you are sending energy to TRUTH so truth, love, can be given back to you.

Fuck fear.  I'm all for love.  My sweet twin soul is and always has only been Love with a capital L; how lucky and blessed I am to have such an amazing person as a twin soul, and same for him- he is fortunate too because I am, genuinely, a very dear woman.  One day we will be together and it will be perfection.  Our light will shine brightly throughout the universe.

Love, "Cloud Atlas"

See the movie.  Most tender love scene between two people who are not supposed to love one another.  Their love is very twin-soulish.  

I can't wait to lay my head on his chest again, listen to his heart beat- the heart I will carry with me forever.

Reflecting...

I broke down and began going through all my emails from the last year.  I have most of my emails from Joron except for the most hurtful.  I want to show you how Spirit tussles me through Joron. When he first reconnected with me almost exactly a year ago right now this was his first message to me:

"You're so hot. I miss being naked with you. I'm thinking it was just sexual attraction. Those legs and your taste..Yumm. Beautiful *my real name here.*"

That's so not him.  I was being pushed because I would not listen to Spirit.  Little by little I was given tastes of my sweet twin soul.  He would come through and tell me he wanted to see me, wanted to kiss me, wanted to talk to me.  But I was so scared I would NOT just surrender fully.  Fear constantly took over, and when I allow fear to overtake my good sense then I am hit with fear like in that stupid message above.  Later that night, the evening he sent it, we ended up on the phone for the first time since we separated and he said to me, "God damn it you know I love you!"

What a wild ride this twin soul journey has been!

So I can look back and see the twin soul dance perfectly.  It's like textbook twin souls.  My life could be a manual for twin souls.

Love them anyway.

Believe.

No fear.

Listen to Higher Will.

Heal.  No vices.  No addictions.

Protect your energy.

Believe that you manifest your own reality.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in your twin soul.

Believe in your guidance, Higher Will, angels, soul, spirit guides, etc.

No judgment.

No blame.  

I have no excuse to not move forward now.  I cannot backslide.  Patience it a must now.  When I get impatient I tend to resent him even if it's irrational.  God will have none of that.  No resentment.  The attitude we should have is that our twins want to come back to us.  We must work to make that happen by believing only the best in them as we heal.

He is a gentleman.  In one of his messages he told me what a great childhood he had, how his mother taught him how to be a gentleman and treat women.  *sigh*  He always treated me well.

I look forward to the day when I am looking into his beautiful eyes again.

And for the record- I DO have a life beyond figuring out my twin soul union, unfortunately once once one is chosen to embark upon this "Quest" life changes.  Priorities change.  My son will always be my main priority but after that is my twin soul.  He has helped to love me and heal me, and it is my goal to reunite with him- I want nothing more {besides my son's happiness} than to have a family and share a life with this man.  I am an independent sane strong healthy single mom currently doing it on my own.  I am no damsel in distress- but I LOVE him and am not willing to back down in what is important to me.  He is important to me.

I think it's time to watch "The Holiday" and "Love Actually."

I love my twin soul.

Listening to Higher Will

Listening to Higher Will

And I mean REALLY listening.

Okay so there is a mission and all this.  But some of us are out here living seemingly very "normal" lives that are not steeped in spirituality on some lofty high level.  What do we need to do?  We need to listen to our guidance.  OUR GUIDANCE.

This morning I went back and re-read messages from October 2013.  Most of them were from me to my friend Madelyn concerning Joron once he moved to CA and then shut off.  A LOT happened in a very short time period, and now I can look back at what I was experiencing in a different light.  A light that back then I could not see, and for that reason I will not be mad at myself for it taking me getting here to finally begin to see.

I was told all the way back then from my guidance to love Joron.  On 10-24-13 when I was told he was my "soul twin" the guidance given to me was to look at his pictures, watch our videos, think of him with love and journal TO him because he will feel all of it.

I blew that off though.  I was told to "call out to him with energy" and I didn't pay attention to that either.  I've been pushed and prodded and guided and nudged in all different ways to get love out on paper for Joron.  I've tried but along the way I doubted and the doubt hurts because it's mirrored back to me through him.  My guidance would tell me to "call him" and I just didn't understand why.  I knew he was not going to answer the phone.  Now I am wondering if I was being told to "call him" through energy but since I chose to ignore the energy portion I was tested.

My guidance will let me flounder around and knock into walls and stumble around blindly the more I don't listen.

So here I am reading back to a year ago realizing I was told the same things then that I am now- just now I can see how it works.

Right now the only thing I can do, only tool I have in my box, is to write about Joron with love. Maybe to him with love but only in my journal.  I did this last night.  I think I was also being shown that trying to manipulate the situation with writing TO him just was not going to work.  I still want to do this now.  I WANT to hear from him.  But back then I wanted to change his mind, show him my feeling, explain it to him, get him to understand that we were meant for each other, and the more I did this... the more Spirit FUCKED with me.

I am pretty much at an end point here.  I stopped drinking, stopped smoking and have no desire for a boyfriend if he's not my twin soul.  I managed to pass up temptation, temptation that started as soon as Joron went quiet.  I've held on to my love for him and fought against the "monster" shown to me through my mirror.  I think the only thing I can do now is love him, strongly, via my mostly-private written "feelings."  And I can't use this blog to really do that because it is not what was its intention.

I intended to write this blog to show people WHY we go through this strange dance, this twin soul reunion, separation and silence.  And the re-connection only to part again.  And again.  And how we all face huge utterly soul-shattering disappointments in these unions- but they are all reflections of our doubt, and overcoming them make us stronger people.

My friend and I who are going through this feel that we, the ones who are "kept on" and in the know are the ones responsible for being the manifestors of this union.  WE are charged with bringing them closer by believing in them.  Maybe they do have their own healing to do.  You know my testament about Joron- I cannot find anything wrong with that man.  He is healthy, whole, stable, passionate about his causes, a humanitarian, intelligent, great career, wonderful personality, empathetic, good to his family, cleansed of the limitations of religion while owning his own strong moral code, and he is very loving.  I am not BLIND.  I am very aware and I know my twin soul is a good man.  Other twin souls are more like me... they need and/or need healing.

I think, though, that those of us who are "in the know" and very aware of the twin soul concept, it falls on US to be the ones to manifest a reunion.  We do this by believing in the love, and by believing in the core goodness of our twins.  Somehow doing this "attracts" us back together.  Why? I am unsure.  Maybe it's because we are fighting for love when others would give up and walk away. Because we are having faith.  Because we are showing God that we are choosing to listen, choosing to see what our twins show us and heal- all while holding on to the love even through the darkest moments.  That energy of strong love and determination, that belief, it must somehow allow God to bring them back to us, or we attract them back to us.  Something.  I don't know exactly.  I have been shown it is something like this.  Beyond this is a moot point anyway.  I don't need to know anything more.  Just that it is my "mission" to trust in him and love him strongly no matter what, to trust in him and work past the pain he's shown me.

Not many people out there want to get to this place.  Not many want to do the work.  I remember sharing info like this on SF forum months ago and people told me they were not willing to invest any more energy into it.

Me?  I can't give up.  I have to know I've given it my all.  And giving it my all means I have to write to Joron, about Joron, in my journal or private blog so I can continue to "feel" him with me.  This is the only way we are going to reunite.

That said- I won't be making as many blog posts except to maybe pop on to share my love for my twin.  I like to write, and to share- but I've just about shared everything I can about what I know concerning this union.  Again, I am at a point where this is it: I'm well healed although of course I'll be awakening forever.  I'm past the crazed chaotic pain.  But there is silence and I am physically not with my twin soul when I really would like to be with him.  I am pretty sure it is my charge to know the power of my energy and get the job done.

I hope this means something to some of you.  I'd like to reunite with Joron soon, and I'd like to see more twins reunite everywhere.  It's what is meant to be.

I love my twin soul :)