About Me...

 

There is no shame in being beautiful, inside and out, and owning that beauty.  This is a truth I am still working on accepting.  In the past I have felt shame or a sense of guilt, like being a show off, for knowing I am beautiful.  For owning my inner Goddess and feeling comfortable realizing that I am a Goddess on the outside too; God blessed me with a pleasant exterior.  I am "Drew Barrymore" pretty with a dash of Kate Winslet {my hero.} 

See even writing that I wonder... do I sound egotistical in stating truth?  I'm a beautiful woman, inside and out.  My outside reflects my inside.  My heart is worn on my face.

It was not always like that.  I have struggled with feeling awkward for half my life.  I was a chubby, abused, tormented, bullied buck-toothed painfully shy child.  And I was 60 lbs overweight {a load on my barley 5'3 medium-build frame} in my twenties.  I know how it feels to feel icky and "fat" and not comfortable in one's skin.  My extra weight was NOT healthy.  I had constant heartburn and could not even walk up a flight of steps without panting.  But it taught me utter empathy for people who battle with their weight, that's for sure.  I had strangers comment on my "fatness."  I was bullied in the workplace when I worked for Menards, berated for being "fat."  As is my life- I accidentally manifested losing weight after inspired by Kate in "Titanic" and I lost sixty pounds.  When the weight began coming off... one of my coworkers looked at me and said, "Oh my gosh you look like Kate Winslet!"  I have to smile now at how Spirit works to keep us motivated ;)  I think Kate is a soul mate to me, lol.  After having my child my weight stabilized to where I am comfy.  I am "average" and happy.  For years though I was told I was fat, not good enough.  Not as pretty as my friends.  Not pretty at all.  I used to have self-image issues.  Now- I'm happy with my appearance.  Hey- I carried my first child at 36, gave birth at 37, nursed him until he was almost two year-old.  I have a "mom-body" including various jiggly bits, stretch marks, gravity-bound boobage and ample curves.  I am proud of what my body has done for me.  I love myself.  I can chase and play with son, walk for miles with him.  I plan on having another child in the next few years- I'm healthy and youthful.  That's what matters to me. 

That woman who looks back at me when I look in the mirror?  We've been through a Hell of a lot together.

I had a weird experience last night and I want to write it out here.  It's a long story but important to me to get it all out and understood, and I process better when I can "write it out."  This is a little background info on me.  Years ago I made a chat friend, and I do mean years ago.  I was an undergrad so maybe like... 1995.  Twenty years?  Is that right?

Holy Schitt Batman.

I'll call him "B."  Our "friendship" was pretty much all flirtation and sex.  I didn't know what he looked like, didn't care to.  We exchanged mostly naughty thoughts but along the way really got to know each other.  I mean- it's been twenty years.  He feels very comfortable with me, and I am pretty sure trusts me with his innermost secret desires more than he trusts anyone else in his life.  He can expose all his deepest shit to me and I've never judged him.  But our friendship seriously has always revolved around the fact that he finds me immensely attractive and I'm his biggest "turn on."

This was fine for me for a long time.  Here's my secrets being divulged.  When in a marriage that is lackluster... meaning I had a super high libido and my ex had no interest in sex with me, it's torture.  My ex-husband is a very attractive man.  I'd watch him laying in bed and I'd fucking want him soooo badly.  I loved him and I was super attracted to him but I could not have him because he blew me off, rejected me, was not attracted to me for whatever reason {we met after my weight loss.}  And for a long time it was Hell.

I stayed physically faithful up till the end {and then I cracked but that's a story I've already told.}  Throughout my marriage, though, I still talked with my old chat friend B.  Not much.  I felt guilty.  I'd push him off all the time, try to stay away, or try to keep it "just friends" but it always turned to sex.  Always.  With B it is a Pavlovian response- I turn him on, plain and simple.  He thinks I am total MILF and as I said above, for the longest time that didn't bother me.

But then things started changing.  My marriage ended and I had some experiences with men where I did not respect myself, did not cherish myself as the Goddess I am.  It was a mixture of not knowing how to own my attractiveness while being ASHAMED of it at the same time.  After a good year of temporarily losing my mind, my shadow side totally emerging and wreaking havoc, I began reigning it all in, wanting to protect myself and my energy, especially my feminine energy.

B would reach out in a sexual manner and I'd shoot him down.  His efforts are never soft or gentle.  They are blatant.  And I don't like it.  I don't like feeling like I am a simple "turn on" for any man.  It feels icky to me.  I don't like someone telling me, "You are like the hottest woman ever."  It rubs me the wrong way if it is not followed with "I want to wake to your smile every morning!"   I am not cut out for that in-your-face sexual boldness when there is no love to back it up.  I am a soft, gentle loving woman and I need a soft gentle loving touch even if it's a simple on-line flirtation.  It's how I am made.  So for a while now, like two years, I've shot B down repeatedly, blocked him on FB, told him to go soak his head when he'd text me.  And I have not heard from him in maybe six months or so.

Last night I knew to write in my journal about Joron but I didn't.  I wallowed instead.  Christmas time is here.  I feel... despairing inside.  I miss my Beloved, and last night I didn't want to pull myself up and do my work by reminding myself that Joron actually loves me.  I didn't want to own my truth.  I just wanted to cry.  I could not escape the cold, freakish nonsense that's come from him in the last few months EVEN THOUGH I am told repeatedly from above that the reason why I get it is because I refuse to completely own his love so in turn I am shown a lack of love which translates to when he writes to me he pokes me with this energy of "I am only attracted to you."  And I just hate it.

Later last evening B wrote to me.  He was careful because he knows what my response has been to him in the recent past.  But he did say something to me about thinking I am so "hot."  And here is the strange thing: it sounded EXACTLY like Joron's twin soul separation, poking me with my fears nonsense.  Like it could have been him.  It was SO strange.  B wrote, "You could be the hottest woman on earth," and Joron not long ago wrote me something similar {which may not seem like much to you but in the context it was written the comment was meant to strike a chord with me.}  In our conversation last night I explained some of my issues and how much in love I am with Joron.  How I am protective of myself, my heart and my energy.  How I do NOT want to be the source of sexual stimulation for someone: I am not a mental human sex toy.  Then B wrote to me about himself, "I'm just an asshole, ha."

AND I ABOUT DIED.  Joron writes the same shit to me now.  He'll write me some nonsense about how all he feels for me is attraction and then he'll say, "I'm just an asshole.  You deserve better."  And he's SO not an asshole, OMG no.  He's adorable and sweet.  The man I dated is an angel.  The cold apathetic lack-of-empathy mirror that I'm shown does comes off very assholish but I know that's not really him.  He's mirroring my fears.  But last night in speaking with B... it was like I was intentionally being made to feel that energy another way, a reminder of it.  I asked my guidance why- why am I being reminded?  I asked, "Why does Joron write those things to me?  Why?  Explain again please.  Make me understand."  I was told that a marred wounded belief leads to the truth being ignored.  Translated this means when I do not fight for my belief, when I have a weakened belief or I let doubt take over, then the truth {his love} is ignored.  And what do I get?  Joron's INTENSE attraction without the gentle touch of his love.

And it feels just like B's energy when he writes to me.  B has a long-term girlfriend.  Yeah he likes me but he does not love me.  That energy was so in my face last night.  I am constantly reminded!

I am also reminded that this has to do with ME.  Joron's attraction to me scares me sometimes.  It is a super duper strong attraction, and for some reason it scares me and makes me worry that he only likes me because he finds me sexy or "hot" and that's so not truth.  He told me constantly how much he loves me, how he appreciates and respects me, but there is something inside me- something- that makes me feel almost {dare I say} dirty about being so... attractive.  I am an attractive woman although I am very low-key, low-maintenance.  I'm not showy at all.  Very traditional: little makeup, long hair that's a traditional style- long, wavy, flowy.  I'm kind of an "all-natural" gal.  Blessed with good skin, good hair, nice legs- I don't flaunt myself but Joron found me to be very sexy in my understated naturalness.  All my soul mates- we were magnetically attracted to one another.  Joron the most.  And it freaked me out.  And because I was so freaked out by it- I get "poked" with that fear now.

That energy is somehow still being worked through with us.  I can't quite put my finger on it, and I am tired of being shown it.  Not many people could tolerate it like I do, like I can.  I am supposed to give it no energy and place all my intention of the love he's shown me, not the fear he mirrors to me.  

It is okay that he finds me so immensely sexy; lovers normally do want to rip each others clothes off, especially after a year-long separation.  I can't lie and say that I don't imagine undressing him constantly so it's not one-sided.  But I always must remember that when it comes to Joron... our kisses were what was important.  He always said "I want to kiss you forever."  Kiss.  Not fuck.

Ugh.  It's such a process, and my guidance uses reverse psychology with me by teaching me with lies.  I have to stand up for my truth by facing down lies that are given to me until I totally own my truth; it can be a vicious cycle.

It would kill a weaker woman... but I am not a weak woman.  I am a fucking warrior, and this "quest" is not going to best me.  I am going to best it.  I'm clean, sober and learning immense amounts of patience so although it's been a challenge it's also been a blessing.  Love is my truth.

I do want my Beloved back in my life.  I also need to realize that it's okay to feel alluring, exciting and attractive.  I am a catch.  I don't have to feel guilty for thinking that I am a quality individual.  I am working through all this.  I told B last night I am not comfortable with him telling me how "hot" I am.  I don't like it.  He has his woman- I don't want it from him.  I miss Joron and only want flirty words from him, no one else. 

Just funny how I was reminded of the energy through B.  Shown that while B may actually be that way with me Joron does not feel that way about me.  He was so so so sensitive with me, always.  Very protective of me, gentle.  That's my truth.  Through him I'm being made to accept my beauty, not feel bad for it, not let it make me feel "dirty" because a man desires me. 

B?  He is kind of an asshat really, with me.  I don't need that energy in my life.  He told me last night that one thing he always loved was that after he'd get off I didn't want any small talk.  I always said bye and hung up.  I knew that's all it was so why bother?  I ended up feeling like a commodity, a free phone sex service {although at times it worked for me too, lol.}  In the end, though, it no longer worked for me.  I felt gross, used.  And hearing last night that he actually enjoyed the fact that I didn't stick around for phone "pillow talk" really... shows me some things.  My Joron is so sweet.  When we connect on the phone he likes to talk for hours.  And he's sensitive if it gets heated.  Cute, loving.  Endearing.  He never ever made me feel "used."  But still that fear was always present.  Definitely was brought to light last night when I was texting with B.  The contrast made it evident. 

Joron did ask for photos and videos but he is my Beloved, my lover.  Long-distance lover.  He always appreciated me, told me so.  Thanked me.  Would say, "Princess you are the gift that keeps on giving."  It was so evident that he was loving up on me from afar, all love.  

I wish I would not have been so scared.  Scarred.  One letter difference.

My father has always been big into porn.  It was all over the house when I was a kid {supposed to be hidden but not well enough.}  I had access to really icky porn {not the soft "Playboy" stuff} as a very young child, and I was always smarter than my age so I processed it on a higher level.  I still wonder if seeing all that, reading what I did, caused some issues inside me.  I wonder if I could find that out somehow. 

Some things Joron has said to me on the phone throughout this separation were supposed to help heal me.  His love is very healing.  Once he told me with a huge sweet sigh, "You are so naturally pretty.  You don't wear much makeup- you're traditional and beautiful.  Nothing fake about you.  I love that."  Another time while we had a lull in the conversation he said "I know what we can talk about.  Beauty.  I know beauty- and you ARE beauty."  NOT sex.  Not about what a turn on I am.  Beauty.  Another time he interjected in the middle of a heated, intimate text session, "You are so real and genuine, and that's rare in this world.  I think that's the one thing I love the most about you- how genuine you are."

*sigh*  I just love that man.  No matter what I'll always love that man.