I've written this before but I need to write more because I feel it will be cathartic. I am really going through some fear issues over here as it pertains to my twin soul. I can't seem to shake off the mirror, meaning I'm judging him by what he shows me. And the more I do that then the more silence I will receive. I don't know how to shift this, and the only thing I can think of is to write through it. I will do part of that here.
I have not heard Joron's voice in five months and that is by far the longest we've went with little to no contact. We once went ten weeks and I about lost it, so five months has me in constant tears. I am only so strong. My love is quiet. The man I love most in the world {besides my little man} is silent and 2100 miles away. Of course it brings about a heavy heart; I miss him. Okay? Yes. I am human, *gasp*, and I miss my lover, my boyfriend, my FRIEND and my soul mate. I wrote to him a few nights ago, poured my heart out all over again. I've been met with silence. Please understand how trying this can be. I am really working at total surrender. I am at about 90%.
This will be a bit rambling. I did not date as a youngster. Many broken hearts from unrequited love. Due to my shyness I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19. My first real kiss, first lover, first HUGE painful breakup, and probably my first soul mate. He shares the same name as my twin soul. After we broke up I met my first husband. After my first husband I dated my second husband very quickly, got married within a few years. Three lovers up until age... 38. Then all Hell broke loose.
My second husband did not want me sexually, and he was not affectionate at all. I don't know what happened to me but I cracked at the end of the marriage and started acting out. I got angry. "If he doesn't want me then I'll show him" is maybe how I felt? Like I wanted to prove something to myself? Like I felt being flirty and sexy... would somehow gain me love? I am not really sure but I met a few people, did a few things I am so sad about. Not sad because I was married but sad because I was not cherishing myself. I let myself be used as an object but because I was getting SOME attention maybe it felt better than nothing. I was so tired of being rejected, alone, sad, longing.
It was not a good time for me. My marriage ended and I started dating. No one would even imagine I was doing the things I was doing. I am seen as a "sweetheart" type. It was definitely not my nature. I felt reckless. Impulsive. VERY EGO. One night I got a sitter, slipped a really short skirt and high heels in my purse, left the house and went to meet some guy from the 'Net. Changed into the skirt and heels in my car, and went to the guy's house to get laid. Real nice, huh? I remember not liking the way he kissed me. It felt so not good. Now- I am fortunate because he was not a bad guy. Nice man, wanted to actually "date" me but I didn't want him. I told him so, told him it was not like me to behave like that. I felt bad later. Dirty. We met for lunch one day and he put his hand on my thigh and I wanted to hit him.
It's like two different people lived inside me for a while. The "good" me and the bad me. The bad me... must be ego. It would flare up, and alcohol brings it out badly, especially when I would be in a mood. I did other stuff even worse that I am ashamed to even record here. All in a span of about one year. One night when my son wasn't home I brought a date home and he asked me, "You do use protection all the time right dear?" Well, I hadn't before. Not every time. So I had to drag my shamed self to the clinic and get tested, and I told God I was going to change. I prayed because I didn't know what was happening to me. Why was I meeting guys in parking lots to give head- and pretending like I LIKED it? Not like I was even getting paid. I was whoring myself for free.
Why? I sit here fighting back tears as I ask myself WHY I did those things? Why was I having sex on first dates with guys who were just so-so? Who didn't care about me and I knew it? I read an article about ego and it explained how ego flares up a desire for sex very strongly, and this is how I was. And it would come and go. Some days I felt like my old more chaste self and others I felt out-of-control. On edge. Thankfully God protected me.
Then came the time I planned to meet the guy who was into BDSM, like "Fifty Shades of Gray." That is so NOT like me. At all. But we had plans to meet and he wanted to get his hands on me, badly. I look "cute." Angelic a bit. Innocent {and inside I truly am innocent and this makes me sob.} I am independent, intelligent, well-presented and he was drooling to "break me in." Fresh unique meat. I was in some of my worst times and had disconnected myself from Spirit meaning I refused to channel so I could not "hear" my Higher Will at all. I'd turned my back on Spirit. Well the morning of the day I was to meet him I sent him my contact info and where we could meet... but the message bounced back as "undeliverable" although just the day before he was DYING to hear from me. There is NO way that dude just turned off his email; if he had changed his mind he could have either a) ignored me or b) just told me so. But no, his email went inactive and it stayed that way.
We never met. I am sure it was diverted. I think he may have killed me or else in the aftermath of whatever I planned on letting him do to me I would have killed myself. My Higher Will has since told me that up until that point I had "raped my heart" but had I met him it would have "raped my soul" and resulted in suicide.
So here I went from a fairly chaste "normal" woman to a deviant like overnight. I don't know what I was searching for but what I found was not good. I made a list not long ago, and it sickened me. Along the way I met three very special men, soul mates. Knowing them, being very much in love with them, kept me much much "safer" than had I NOT met them. Because I loved them so much I was "faithful" to them. Think what you will be they were not on accident and I loved them all very much. Their love for me was healing although as was the case with Joron- I always doubted their love for me. I can go back and read things I wrote from back then and I tortured myself wondering if they really loved me... or was I being used as a convenience? Well- one cried when he had to leave me, and requested a matching tattoo {which I have.} Another made me a very meaningful gift I will have forever because he wanted me to always keep him in my heart. The third I worked on a very important presentation with, and he signed it and wrote that he'd love me forever {talk about trusting me- all it would take is mailing that puppy off to his boss to end his LIFE- not just his marriage but his entire career.} My soul mates confided in me, and they loved me a ton. Any one of them, had they been single, would have married me in a heartbeat but all along the way I worried "Am I really loved?" I knew we would not be together. I knew it would be a lesson in letting go, unconditional love... and by the third one {who I resisted and resisted and resisted- it was as if I HAD to meet him and work through a bunch of shit before I could meet my twin soul} I was so scared to be hurt by love that I didn't know what to do- but I knew I loved him. I also knew a year later that it had to end. He wanted to keep his family together {even though they STILL have huge issues} and I needed to be free.
My three, as I call them, loved me. I know they did. They all "felt" the same, and it made me feel like I was losing my mind. I lost myself when I kissed them. There were slight signs and synchs, enough to show me, now, they were soul connections. I was not just a whore who fell in love with anyone. I shared a lot with these men, friendship and love. I will always love them and I expect to see them on the other side. There were others I dated, actual single men, but no one suited me. Or if they did they were not... right. No connection. Or strange shit would happen that would make it not fall into place...
Like one guy. Great dude. Sweet, handsome, surfer, lol. Very decent respectful fella. Dated me, took me out a few times, only kissed me gently at the end of our second and third date. I was feeling positive about him. I was attracted to him. He was single, good to his parents, loved his dogs, played the harmonica, and seemed to dig me. He called me on the day of our forth planned date. The sitter was coming over in about an hour to watch my son. My date confided in me on the phone that he had an STD. He was embarrassed and shy but wanted to be very upfront with me. Well I was going to give him a chance, go on the date but suddenly, right then, my son leaned over and violently vomited all over the floor around us. I yelped, nearly dropped the phone, my date could hear my son crying, and I said, "Oh gosh my son just puked all over! I am not going to be able to meet you after all." Cancelled date and we never were able to get together after that. I know 100% that Spirit intervened for whatever reason. Not meant to be.
Couple other guys just didn't feel right. And after some of my darkest moments, after about a year or so, I started to come out of it, whatever "it" was. It = wanting to harm myself. Seeking love in the worst ways. I began to see the light. One more guy I dated left me feeling really beyond icky and I was DONE. Just done.
I needed a break. I wanted to be cleansed. I was always fighting against my desire to see the third and last married man {we saw each other infrequently and often were in silent mode in order to stay away from each other} and my heart was hurting.
I was hurting. My first husband was mean, loud, never home and hit me a few times. My second husband ignored and disregarded me. He'd sigh when I tried to kiss him, annoyed, and he would not hold my hand. He'd pull away if I tried. And he didn't want love with me. He left me and my newborn son home alone all the time, and I suffered through post partum anxiety alone, wanting to kill myself from lack of sleep and feeling insane. He also disrespected me so much that it angered my friends and family who heard and saw him do it.
It was Hellish.
Then all this craziness started when my son was almost turning two. I called out to God and asked him to please change my life before I was forty. I was 38 then. Fast forward two really crazy years and on my fortieth birthday I met my twin soul.
Dare I continue? I am losing my mind over here. I miss my Joron to the depths of my very soul. He is an absolute GIFT in my life. Before I met him I was warned, nudged, urged, to believe in love. To stay joyful. To trust. To believe. But I could not do it. So for about six months before I met him I stopped dating and I tried my best to end things with my married soul mate. I was beginning to heal. I wanted to hunker down and be alone. Attention from men started to feel disgusting. Online dating held no interest for me now- they all want naked pictures and NSA sex and something inside me started to shift. I was sad for hurting myself. I didn't want that any longer.
August 1st, 2013 is when I began talking to Joron, after some months of being low-key, no dating, and I had ended things with the married man, completely {have not seen him since.} Joron was single. Had not dated in a year and a half, left a crumbling relationship behind and moved home for a while. 18 months later he met me and fell quickly in love with me. He... quite literally swept me off my feet.
I deserved to have someone treat me like the GIFT I am. Not abuse me, not use me, not discard me or disregard me! Do you hear me? Do you understand? I needed a gentle touch. Someone to show me what I was worth because I was only beginning to realize it.
Oh I am so sad that he is gone. We talked for the month and met on my birthday, August 20th. Amazing date, asked to hold my hand. Walked with me, talked with me. Shared and cared with me. Wonderful man, great night. Birthday I will never forget.
My gift. Walked into my life on my birthday- my fortieth birthday gift.
It went fast and hard with us, the falling in love. Ten days in he was freaking out because he was in love with me already. We'd had a few dates and he made it formal- he wanted to be my boyfriend. My BOYFRIEND. A real, live boyfriend who actually wanted to be with me, spend time with me, who treated me like a princess. Sat with me, held me, kissed me, spoke with me, touched me gently, held my hand, respected my mind and BODY. Respected my BODY. My will. Wanted to ensure I felt safe and cherished. Always complimenting me, flirty but constantly telling me he was willing to wait for me because he loved me. Always called me beautiful.
In a word: perfect.
The fact that he continued to come over and just sit with me while my son slept, going nowhere, doing nothing more than talking and kissing, breaks my heart, okay? He was SO healing. So perfect. And it scared the SHIT out of me wondering when he'd leave me.
When he'd reject me.
When he'd stop thinking I was interesting.
When he'd let me go.
When he'd leave me.
When he'd find me so so so easy to walk away from.
When he'd forget me. Disregard me. Not want me anymore.
When he'd find me entirely forgettable.
And all along my Higher Self asked me to trust and believe in my "gem." And I tried. I was a great girlfriend to Joron. Sweet, bright, fun, flirty, loving, kind, caring, gentle and good. I made him dinner one night and as we sat down to eat he paused, bowed his head and asked me if I was going to say grace. He said {as an Atheist} "I'll just thank you for the dinner if you don't mind." But he was so fucking respectful that he paused for me to thank God for the food because he knew of my strong belief, and he respected it.
I want to just die. My gift is not here and I LOVE him. I was too afraid, and I had to be healed of my fears and my vices. I refused to completely embrace his love. It's a horrible horrible thing. His words and actions were always of love. So wonderful. PERFECTION. I called him my "Atheist angel" because he was so kind to me.
He waited until I was goooood and ready before we made love. He never EVER one time in all our hours making out, so close we could have climbed inside one another, tried to urge me to bed. Not once. He never EVER asked it I was ready, or made an innuendo, nothing. He held me tightly, kissed me in a way I can't even explain- kisses from heaven.
When I die and go to heaven I will kiss Joron for eternity. That is my heaven, his kisses. OMFG I miss him. I miss him so much I can barely stand it.
Do you have any idea how healing and cleansing it was to sit with him and have him respect ME instead of "wanting" me for sex? I knew he was attracted to me but he didn't push me. I didn't feel like I had to sell myself to him in order to get him to be interested in me. I could be myself. I felt comfy waiting, not like he was going to get bored. I waited. I had to. It felt good to wait, right. I am SO glad we waited, we hung out and kissed and talked and nuzzled noses and stayed oh-so-close from the moment he walked in the door {bearing a gift every time for either me or my son} until the moment he walked out the door again to go home. And I always missed him so much when he left.
He loved ME not what I could do for him. And he was attracted to me in all ways, unlike my ex-husband who... could have cared less. Joron was and is everything I asked for in a man.
So... do you have any idea how torturous it is NOW when the mirror turns on? After fearing rejection and disregard do you have ANY idea what Hell it was when he fell off the face of the earth, returning a week later via email to tell me it no longer felt the same? He said "When we were together it felt kissy and good but now it feels different, tainted somehow- like that song "Tainted Love." He told me he wasn't sure how he felt, that he would see me when he came home in a couple weeks. He was cold and not empathetic at all, not Joron. He felt alien. But he ended the message with "I do love you."
I DO LOVE YOU.
But I didn't see that part. I only felt the silence. The cold. It was insane. My Higher Self kept telling me to "Reach out to him with energy. Write to him in my journal. Believe in and feel his love." I was told to "Call out to him with energy" but I ignored all that. Instead I wanted to email him and get him to change back. I wanted to fly to CA and see him. I knew if he saw me he could not deny me. We'd talked marriage and children. On his last moment in my arms before he moved away he looked in my eyes, smiled and said, "When we get married are you going to look me in the eyes when we exchange our vows?" Not even three weeks later he was GONE. The day before he stopped contacting me he'd written his last line as "Just remember I love you and I want you to be my future."
And then he changed. And I thought I was losing my mind. Then I was told he was my "soul twin" and NOW- now... I doubted so so much, feared a ton, pushed and pushed disbelief until all I get now is either silence or cold. And when I say "cold" I mean it is horrific, okay?
THE MIRRORING!!!
Do you know how traumatic it is to have him write and tell me "It was only attraction. I only think about your sexy legs and ass and how badly I want to come back and have sex with you, yummy Rose. I want to rip your clothes off but no talking. No drama. You taste so good. I only want sex with you."
It is like my worst fears come true. It is what my Higher Will does to me when I doubt love. My Higher Self told me for a year in one way or another to "write about the love." Even Joron tells me... every time we communicate, no matter how ODD and insane it is, he always says something about "perfect writer." I am supposed to be reaffirming my truth, and the only thing I can think is my truth is he loves me with a pure genuine heartfelt love. And I have to write that. OWN it- like every day. A few times a day. Make it my mantra, my intention.
Another thing is I think it is my shame. Once during this separation when we ended up on the phone he asked me a question I was supposed to answer honestly but I lied. I was ashamed. He said, "So I know when some people divorce they go on a wild spree and act crazy, sleep around and stuff. Did you ever do that?" I KNOW that was Spirit giving me the opportunity to purge my past. Joron loves me unconditionally- I could have told him. I wish I would have. I wish I would have finally cried and told him I did things to myself that hurt me and my heart, and I wish I would have told him just how truly wonderful it was to be with HIM and have him treat me with such love and respect when no one else close to me ever had: not my parents and not my husbands. Only him. But I didn't. I so wish I had, and I pray I have the opportunity to do it to his face one day. But I will write it to him in my journal. Maybe Higher Self will ensure he feels it, my gratitude in being my hero. My angel. My gift.
The irony is back in March, during our separation, I somehow managed to shift the energy for the good and he slammed back into me- almost like we were going to reunite. He flew back on. Told me that he needed to get back to see me. To take me out on a date. To make me smile and hear me laugh again. To treat me well. He said gently, "And if you still have a spark for me then I want to make love for hours and have pillow talk to discuss what we are going to do about our love."
He meant we would have relationship talk and work this out. He meant he wanted to come back and LOVE me and make this work. But I freaked out inside again, was doing no journaling, no affirmations, and I let fear overtake my thoughts and energy. I was not listening to my guidance at all.
And I watched him slip away again... and I swear to God I sent him NOTHING in 3D to make him shift. Nothing. It was purely energy!!!
I have to FEEL HIS LOVE. When I do not, when I refuse to believe in the man he showed me when we dated, then I get the man I MANIFESTED from my fear. And I hate it so much! It makes me want to pack up and live on a deserted island unplugged from everyone, forever. Escape.
It makes me want to run.
The mirroring in my case has been brutal. It had to be. I got so mad and scared one weekend in June that I drank myself into a rage and wanted to go out and get laid. Old ego-vices kicking up... and I've been healed of so much of that old garbage. He was so sweet and gentle to me. Had I went out and fucked someone else I would have wanted to die. Joron has asked me here and there, "So have you dated anyone?" He'd always lets me know he is not dating. I know I am meant to be single for now. I know we will be together again- and if not... then the next man will be special too. Very, and worth ME. Worth me sharing my body, mind, heart and soul with. He will love me completely, and respect me. And I will adore, desire and love him too. But I still feel it is Joron. Joron who told me the first week we talked, "I waited for my destiny to be born before me" because he is only about 12 hours older than me, born in the same space as me. Joron who when we finally made love for the first time I wrapped my arms around, held him close to my heart and told God "This one is the last for me. I love him. He is my one and only."
He told me, "I want you to be the last woman I kiss in my thirties, the first in my forties, and the last ever." I SO want that to be truth! I can't imagine either one of us being with another. He had hard times in love before he met me. He was lied to, mistreated, not cherished. So was I- and we love each other so much. We are meant for one another. He is my gift. I cherish him so much, and I don't like being scared of him.
What he's shown me has scared me. I don't like the "lacking love" version of him because it's nothing like the man I knew. It is my fear being made manifest so I can see it, and it's icky. Not him. Well, frankly it's ridiculous nonsense that I should not be weak enough to even pay any notice to.
When I do not concentrate on the love he has for me I am then shown a lack of love which means attraction with no affection because he is monstrously attracted to me, but for me attraction with no affection is Hellish. It terrifies me. I am not an object. I deserve to be loved. So when he shows me this strong attraction with no love it scares the shit out of me. Yet it's not him- it's my fear that he does not love me being shown to me so I am either forced to believe in his love and shift the energy around.
Or I can run.
One or the other.
You have no idea how challenging this is. My twin soul experience has not been an easy ride. He has reflected things to me that you would not believe. To most it would seem like he "lashes" out at me for no reason but I know it's in response to my energy/thoughts/fears. I don't listen, don't write about his love and reaffirm it, believe it in my heart, and I get either silence or some silly nonsensical bullshit email.
And it's almost always email. This is why Joron suddenly moved 2100 miles away. He could never do this to me in person. It would kill both of us, him too.
I am sure none of this feels good for my twin soul. Think about it. The man was totally in love with me. Talking about me promising I'd come visit him and look at houses with him. Asking me to bring my son. Telling me how much he missed me and needed me there. DYING over the cute videos I'd sent him, spending hours on the phone with me.
And suddenly he was gone? And then based on my energy he'd come close then pull away. Come REALLY close, get very affectionate, then suddenly go cold again. How does HE feel? I can't imagine! If you were to look at our emails you'd think we are BOTH insane. I never am mean- not meant to be. And he writes the most insane-sounding shit. Not normal, not really of this earth. He once wrote out of nowhere, "You could have had me forever but you're ____ that's why!" I suppose he meant "And this is why you can't" but he left it blank.
He can't put anything there. You see? He actually thinks nothing bad about me- he is just unable to commit to me, to show me his heart. So he can "act" like he doesn't care in order to hit me with the mirroring- but he can't say anything bad about ME. He can only mirror my fear.
And he always manages to say something like "I'll love you forever..." even if it's followed by something alien and cold.
And he's never ever once written... I won't even say it here. I've never said it, and neither has he.
And I just realized as I wrote that why he hasn't said it. It would be too much, too bad, and Higher Will is not out to kill me but instead to force me to own my truth.
It's a strange process.
All I can think is I'd better BETTER better spend most of my time now doing affirmations concerning his love for me, and why I deserve that love.
Do you really think I feel I am the type of woman a man could do this to? It's SO off the fucking chain. It's NOT REAL. REAL LIFE does not behave this way. I know people be crazy {look at Ferguson} but Joron is a GOOD MAN. He'd have to be a fucking psychopathic crazy @ss to pull this shit off.
No- it's Spirit. And for some reason I am hit harder than most. This is one reason why I share with YOU. If I am experiencing this strange overwhelmingly in-my-face twin soul union the least I can do is offer up what I am learning to others in the hope that it can change some perception out there. I have watched my twin soul "shift" from one person to another in a matter of moments. I heard him do this on the phone. I know what Spirit can do through a person. And I think it is happening to others out there. I really do.
Believe me. It is not what it seems to be in 3D. Not at all. Do not let it scare you. Love them anyway.
Affirm. Affirm. Affirm.
No one else can do this for you. No psychic. No reiki master. No priest or guru. Only YOU can shift your fears to belief inside yourself. I think this is what Higher Will is waiting for.
So let's do it. Take my hand and let's make it happen together. My poor Beloved twin soul can't feel good doing all this. Leaving his love behind. Being so "cruel" to me. When he finally does shift back I can only imagine how... weird it will feel to him. Will he be scared, feel badly? Is he missing me now, wishing we could be together but for some reason blocked, scared?
I've had to work damn hard on myself in this past year. I have learned patience and unconditional love. Surrender. OH MY GOD I've had to face down some of my deepest darkest fears, stand up to the lies I am given by Higher Self, own my truth. Hold on to unconditional love. I stopped drinking alcohol completely, stopped smoking entirely. I have been celibate in my actions and faithful in my thoughts. I honestly only think of Joron. I love him. I dream of him. I talk to him... I love myself and think of him. I stay pure in thought and deed. I am a better mother, a better person. I still drink coffee a little bit per day. I hate yoga, lol. I am friendly and kind and I try oh so hard to be joyful. My son is my main priority as is working towards healing for reunion. I stay home most of the time. No bars, ever. I had to become a hermit to do this. I play with my son- that is my past time, that and writing it all out. It's been a total transformation... but I still love and want to be with my twin soul. No matter how much work I do on me. No matter how I know a twin soul union is not "dates and walks in the park" he IS my love. We WILL walk on the beach hand in hand one day. Cook dinner together. Wake to each others sweet faces and kisses. Make love every night. Get married. Have children. We can do THAT and be twin souls too. We can do both. We will do both. I think of him as my Beloved. The love and connection we have shared was too unique, too special and too strong to write off or walk away from. He helped heal me and I refuse to throw that way for anything less.
I love him with a love that transcends time and distance.
We need to trust and have faith. Shift this to reunion.
Let's believe. In Love.
In Magic...
Call it magic
Call it true
Call it magic
When I'm with you
And I just got broken
Broken into two
Still I call it magic
When I'm next to you
And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
Call it magic
Cut me into two
And with all your magic
I disappear from view
And I can't get over
Can't get over you
Still I call it magic
You're such a precious jewel
And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No, I don't,
It's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you
Wanna fall
I fall so far
I wanna fall
I fall so hard
And I call it magic
And I call it true
I call it magic
And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
Still believe in magic
Oh yes I do
Oh yes I do
Yes I do
Oh yes I do
Of course I do
No comments:
Post a Comment