Lies, Fear & Love

I went to my fave coffee shop yesterday and pounded out a super long blog post about my Joron and the time we spent together.  There were some slight Smexxors, AKA naughty bits, so I kept it for my private journaling.  I really needed to do it.  I wrote about the first time we made love, and I had not really broached that subject in a long time.  Our first time together was insanely sweet and pure and genuine, perfection.  Vulnerable... trusting, loving.

I think because I finally broke down and really let myself feel truth, Joron's strong love, I was given additional clarity this morning that helps me SO much,  So much that I must explain it here.

My journey with Spirit has been unique because my guidance teaches me to own my truth by hitting me with LIES.  Blatant lies, and they are always over-the-top so I can tell they are lies.  And they always always always reflect my fears about myself or those who love me.

Fear, "Cloud Atlas"

I saw the movie "Cloud Atlas" about two years ago and it struck me hard.  It is about soul mates, awesome movie.  In is it this nasty character who is the physical embodiment of one of Tom Hanks's character's FEAR.  It looks like an evil Leprechaun and it stalks "Tom" and whispers lies in his ear, his fear.  When I saw the movie I literally gasped because it's exactly how fear works for me too.  It tells me all these insane lies and then I allow my joy to slip through my fingers, or I push people away from me,

Twin souls- they are amazing, right?  The "moment" that caused Joron and I to "split" was all from one email I sent him.  I sent it with the clear intention to make him feel guilty, and I was self-sabotaging, like always.  Like... if I pushed him hard enough in little ways then maybe he'd leave me now instead of later so it will hurt less now.

Wanna know what the response to his message was?  Hm?  Hm?  It was very short, blunt and not at all sweet.  He said, "Not cool.  I don't need any of your GUILT.  This is a classic case of trying to push someone away."  IT WAS LIKE HE READ MY INTENTION when no one else would have picked it up.  The message was nowhere near horrible but when I wrote it- I wrote it with the passive aggressive intention off instilling guilt, and since he is my twin soul and Higher Will uses him to teach me lessons he CLEARLY saw my intent and mirrored it back at me.  Later that night he looked for me, I was passed out drunk, and then I didn't hear from him for a week- the separation and dance had started full force.

And here we are a year later.  FEAR.  Fear=lies.  Just lies.  Fear is not real.  It is imaginary.  Now this does not mean, of course, if there is a tiger in front of you that you will not feel fear but that is more of a flight or fight survival response.  Fear, worry, doubt- worrying if someone really loved you, or worrying that you might fail, or worrying that you are not beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough- that is all psychological fear, and it ruins a good life.  Fear is very low vibrational energy and all it does it attract things of the same energy to you.

I had loads of fear still when I met Joron, and he was supposed to help me heal from it.  And that is exactly what has been happening to me.  My Higher Will hits me with lies in order to force me to own my truth.  I've been told some really harsh shit from Higher Will, channeled through my pendulum.  It caused me to have my second very strong "Dark Night of The Soul."  In the end I figured out I was being forced through my fear to own my truth {and things like light bulbs would turn on and off on their own, I'd be poked in the back invisibly, etc. all to push the fear out of me} and I stood up to my guidance {not quite knowing what was guiding me} and said "I refuse to accept this treatment from you any longer- these things are not true!" and my guidance said, "Finally. Finally you stand up for yourself and own your truth.  How long were you going to allow me to abuse you with lies?"

Exhausting lesson.  I nearly lost my mind.  If I know one thing about myself- I am one strong bitch because that experience brought me to my knees in every way.  I was hit with the most amazing FEARS- bad enough that while I won't list them here- one night I got so scared I began losing consciousness and my guidance had to tell me, "Dear dear lift your head- you are passing out."  I was literally passing out from fear.

Thank GOD I am past those hard times.., although this twin soul journey has been no piece of cake either.

Joron is used by our Higher Will {or at least mine if we do not share the same one} to channel fear to me, just like my experience back in January 2013.  And it makes SO much sense now!!!  All this CRAZY ASS BULLSHIT NONSENSE he sends me, shit that makes me shake my head and go "If this guy was not quite obviously being used as a channel to teach me something- I'd think he was a stark raving lunatic and I'd have a restraining order against him,"  His words, his LIES, have been cruel.  Blantantly cruel, so cruel that I am forced to take notice and change it by owning my truth which is that he loves me.

My fear is thrown back at me via Joron.  Channeled through him are lies.  Total lies, and silence. When I do not "defend his love" by "logging kisses" in my journal or blogging- then he shows me the opposite of his love, opposite of TRUTH.

I also know this is why he rarely if ever mentions my son.  If I can't believe in his love then I am not going to be shown those things that are important to me.  If I do not fight to ensure his love stays real to me then I am not shown TRUTH, and that truth is Joron wants to share a life with me and my son.

That man adores me.  He is sweet and tender and oh so loving but he will send me a cold short message that says, "I was thinking and all it was was attraction.  We have no connection.  I only think you have sexy legs and I want to come back and have sex.  No talking.  Just sex and then I leave.  If you want more then don't even bother to respond."

Listen- that SHIT is clearly not my adorably loving twin.  Not at all.  It is totally the opposite of his love being handed to me on a silver platter when I don't take the time to reaffirm his love by writing about it, in depth.  Specifics so I can FEEL him and his truth again.  

Like... writing about how he so sweetly asked me to read his tarot cards.  The night after we made love for the first time he'd asked me like three time to read his cards but since he is an Atheist scientist I didn't want to.  I was not comfy.  But he came over, as cute as ever, and said "Oh come on.  I really want you to."  I asked him if he was taunting me and he said no- he really wanted to have me do it, and he was so sincere and sweet I said a prayer and did it.  And boy howdy was it interesting, reaffirming but also frightening.  It reassured me that he is child-like in his innocent openness and sincerity.  He has a connection to the universe.  But his future card... UGH.  It was one of the only two cards in the deck with no message on it, only an image.  But on it is a woman with a big unicorn horn and she is looking off to the future.  His future is open, to be created.  And the funny part is before I pulled his cards, as I was grabbing him a beer from the fridge, we were discussing whether unicorns are in the bible or not.  A quick google search clarified that no, they are not, but this card had a big ole' unicorn horn on it.

I also picked him one angel card.  It was the card that represents career- a strong career, working in a group possibly, research.  It was definitely about collaboration, and I've always seen it as a career card although it could be seen as a strong relationship between two people in a romantic way too.  At that moment, though, I was silent when I pulled the card because along with the "looking forward" blank message card- I felt he was going to leave me.

Next he very sweetly and quietly, so so seriously, said, "So if I asked could you pull a card for something specific, like an additional card, can you?"  I said of course and I *knew* what he would ask.  He looked at me with those baby blues and said, "Would you pull a card for us?"  Quietly I did and I pulled, I think, "The Queen of Day."  It's a card about blessings and it says if something does not seem perfect right now it does not mean it's not still a blessing.

The reading took a while, and we discussed it afterwards.  He was VERY respectful about it.  Never once questioned its validity or unscientific nature.  Even an Atheist could not ignore some of the messages in those cards.  It freaked me out.  We kissed some more- and then it was pretty late.  He shyly said he didn't want to make love because it was so late and he didn't want any "quickies" with me.  He wanted time to kiss me, pleasure me and make good long sweet love to me with time for "pillow talk" and cuddling afterwards.  God I soooooooo remember standing with him in my living room kissing him before he left, melting into him.  Just aching to be close close close to him.  I wanted him, badly.  I knew he had something on his mind.  He got home and wrote to me about how perfect I am, how he could not believe he was so lucky to meet someone as wonderful as me, and... it was a full moon that night.  He had taken my hand and led me outside under my tree and kissed me under the light of the full moon. He also wrote, "I want to be with you for many more full moons."

Pure sweetness.  Pure light.  And I have hesitated to record those moments.  I push them away because while they feel SO amazing- they also hurt.  Oh my God they tug at my heart, pulling and squishing.  I LOVE my gift so much.  He is my gift.  The answer to my prayers.  And with him gone right now it makes it difficult.

BUT- see what I a SUPPOSED to be concentrating on.  Recalling who he was to me, TRUTH. "Write about the kisses" because the kisses are blatant truth.  Him coming here to embrace me, snuggle and be close and talk quietly while not even a piece of loose leaf paper could be slipped between us. is truth.  But I doubted him love while he was in my life and that EXPLODED in my face when he was lead to CA, and then when he shut off.

And it's been one long challenge since then to stare my fear in the face- he lies to me, feeding me my fears.  "We had no connection."  "Maybe we should just be friends."  "It was only attraction.  When I think of you I only think sexy legs and kisses."  AND THERE IS THE IRONY.  Higher Will will often throw something in about "the kisses."  He will go on about how "hot" I am, and how he wants sex but in there will be something like "I want to hold your hand" or "All I think about is kissing you every night" so there is SOME "real" Joron in there.

Now tell me the average person could make it through this union.  Only the strong can survive something like this.  Only those who are willing to fight for truth and listen and overcome fear and truly believe in LOVE are going to make it through.

I will be one of those people.  I KNOW this man.  I fucking KNOW him!  He wrote to me once and told me how he does not have one bad memory from his youth.  His mom taught him how to cook, how to treat a woman and how to be respectful to women.  His father, who passed when he was in college, taught him mechanics and how to golf fish.  And it made me happy to read those things about him... and I want to raise MY son the same exact way so he turns out like Joron because Joron is 100% an amazing human being- amazing enough the God is using him to help heal me of all my vices, doubts and fears... and I am also a unique individual.

Why am I unique?  Because I am the most sensitive, most open, most empathetic Walking Ball of Love and Light, a Fierce Tigress of Love, that you'll ever want to meet.  And Joron is too.  We are very much alike, and only because he does have such a strong soul, and low ego, a he is not all wrapped up in stupid religious beliefs and fears, he is an open conduit.   

Another time he sent me a video and wrote, "You asked me how I can be such a nice person.  I emulate this man. Carl Sagan," and he shared with me a sweet video about Carl Sagan who is known to have been a very gentle kind brilliant mind and person in the science world and in general.  When you watch videos of Carl Sagan you can just tell how personable and kind he is.

Same with my Joron, and I refuse to doubt that any longer.  No amount of the crazy "being fed lies so I'll stand up for my truth" is going to make me believe his is anything different.

My point to this message is while all of our journeys are unique, and I've always been taught by being fed lies so I will stand up for my truth {Spirit always knows when we fear even if we try and hide it from the world and even ourselves!} Other may not be taught the same way BUT I think these unions do force us to own our truth.  This is why the blog post I made recently about writing is so very important.  Writing out, like an affirmation, over and over the aspects we love in our twin souls, and writing about what we know they can be {because honestly they may be that person but if they are mirroring back your fears then they can come off as being HUGE assholes.}  Never concentrate on the asshole because you will always get more monster.  You will create monsters.  Write any good moment you can recall.  And hold on to it.  Write it every day, expand on it.  Then you are sending energy to TRUTH so truth, love, can be given back to you.

Fuck fear.  I'm all for love.  My sweet twin soul is and always has only been Love with a capital L; how lucky and blessed I am to have such an amazing person as a twin soul, and same for him- he is fortunate too because I am, genuinely, a very dear woman.  One day we will be together and it will be perfection.  Our light will shine brightly throughout the universe.

Love, "Cloud Atlas"

See the movie.  Most tender love scene between two people who are not supposed to love one another.  Their love is very twin-soulish.  

I can't wait to lay my head on his chest again, listen to his heart beat- the heart I will carry with me forever.