There is nothing else left. Do you see? I can't see any other way for Joron and I to reunite. I've done pretty much everything I can think of. Okay so there is always yoga and God knows I'm going to get my room all clean and even cave to starting yoga, eating better and anything else that comes my way as an option to get reunited with my twin soul.
I've been... listening all year long. We began talking the last day of July 2013. We met August 20th. 2013. He moved away, came back to see me and finalize his life here, and was gone to CA for good on October 5th, 2013. We spoke of love and attraction and a future all the way through October 17th, 2013 but I was LOSING it inside. I was utterly terrified. Like completely pissing my pants freaking out neurotically that he would forget me or want to move on.
And the really tragic part is he loves and loved the fuck out of me. Back then he was going ape shit crazy on me about his love, and I ignored it. I was so scared. He'd send me the dearest most endearing words, AND he was sick, and he was tired, and he was just getting used to a new life in CA, and he was missing me, his life back in Indiana and even his dear little doggy that he had to leave behind. I didn't really pay attention to those things though. I was selfish in my fear yet I know no matter what that The Divine finally used my energy and my fear and my vices to slam me into finally waking up, and he went quiet. I know it was not "just" my fearful 3D self that shut him down. No. I sent him a message that was, well, desperate. I felt desperate! It was hard to have the love of my life leave. I was sad and missed him so much. But I WISH I could go back to then knowing what I know now and do what my guidance told me to do back then which was: love him like he's still here.
And I tried. Let me give myself some credit. I tried. I loved up on him from afar. I sent him cute sexy videos to "help him out" because I love him. He did the same for me. The ones he sent me- he moaned my named and sighed "I love you" and told me he was thinking of me.
It was the hugest purest most genuine love. And I just hate that I didn't grab on and cherish the FUCK out of it and him. Run with it. Nurture it, feed it, cradle it in my hands and ensure it was well taken care of. But I couldn't. I was too afraid of being forgotten.
Our lessons come hard. Our energy being shot back at us isn't fun nor pretty when we have wounds to heal. And I know that no matter what- that man adores me, and back then he was all over me with adoration.
I re-read our old text messages today, and frankly I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He's all kinds of pure sweetness, and my GOD he was SO FUCKING INTO ME. Like every single last thing about me that dude was adoring of. He even told me, "You're so adorable."
Perfection. Do you know what it feels like to watch perfection slip between your fingers? And for it to switch into your worst nightmares? It feels like Hell.
It feels horrible enough to be without my Beloved. Being without Joron {and I detest not being able to use his adorably sweet real name} is bad enough. It hurts terribly to be separated from my Beloved. But I will tell you what- I REFUSE to sit here and allow myself to be tortured by worrying that the mirroring is really him. It's tragic enough to be separated from such HUGE whomping overwhelming love, but to doubt it and wonder if he really could have changed to become what's given to me when I doubt that huge love? Nope- hurts too much to even go there.
That love is him. I can rest assured that no matter what happens, no matter what, he loved me right up until... now. He loves me now. Just somehow, some way, that man is KEPT quiet by Spirit. I don't understand it. I don't like it. But when I have any shred of doubt, when I do not defend his true nature, then he is quiet.
I pushed this union hard back in June when I continued to doubt him so much and then freaked out inside to the point where the smack down had to be laid upon me through him. I SOOOO wish I could go back and do THAT moment over again. You have no idea how I'd like to pop back in time to that Friday night prior to the Sunday when I got all drunk and pissy and just halt my stupidity and anger. My ego. I wish I could go back and tell myself to chill the fuck out and write about him with only love, know him again. Feel him. But I didn't. I let the anger and stupid resentment fester and BAM.
It's never been the same since. And I am sad. I feel he's out there going about his daily life, working a lot like he always does, going to the grocery store almost daily like is his way, doing the stuff he loves like golfing and playing poker- but he's lonely. I know my twin soul is lonely, and I know he is not dating anyone else either. I just know it because he knew I was his 1%. His datable one- the perfect fit for him, and with Joron it has to be a great fit for it to work. I know that after me it won't be able to be just anyone. I am not replaceable, and neither is he.
He is waiting for me to come back. How? How do I? Do I write to him? Again? When is the energy right to do so? I just want to pourrrrrr some sugar all over him via email. I just want to write to him and tell him, "Baby I doubted you when I never should have. Your love for me was unlike anything I could have even dreamed of. You loved me so perfectly- and I adore you for that. Thank you for loving me more than anyone before you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me that I had to wake up. But come back to me now. Please. I am not the same without you. Life is not as colorful without you in it. Loving will never be the same after knowing you. You are all I want, all that will fulfill me. Not "stuff" not trips not the perfect job not a published book... not the greatest place to live, not the biggest house. Not the hottest sexiest most drop dead perfect-looking man... nothing will be you. Only you. All I want is YOU."
So here I am. I have no where to go but into love. Either he comes back to me or he doesn't but right now I am close to losing my mind simply because I realize his perfection and that I ignored it. And that was served up to me on a silver platter, and it's quite an effective way to teach someone to NOT abuse her energy. To work hard at belief. To perform affirmation. To trust.
I have tried my ass off. I am crying now. I have fought to believe in all this, and I love that man from the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul, and I always always will.
I've honestly thought about sending a letter to his mother. Anonymous, only telling her how wonderful he is and what he means to me, what {very simply stated of course} he's done for me. Thank her for raising such a good decent loving man. I'll definitely write it but I am contemplating sending it to her via snail mail. I'll say nothing person, divulge no details but I almost need to do it. I need to tell someone who knows him just how wonderful he is, and who better than his mother.
Maybe that sounds insane to you. Maybe I won't send it. Maybe I know how to write in a way that would make her smile. I know how to NOT seem psychotic, lol. I am just bursting with love for my Beloved, and there is not much I can do but purge it via writing. If I don't I'll go crazy.
Will he ever be back with me? I surely hope so. I have faith. But I don't know the future. All I can say is that man loved me, and the only reason we are apart is because of this being a twin soul union and separation. I do freak out when I wonder if I will ever look into his beautiful eyes again but I can sleep easy knowing I've been loved like God loves. Totally, completely and without fail. Being apart is not fun but his love for me- it's real. I simply have little control over the situation.
I love him so much. Someone might read this, scoff and say, "Oh God she is soooooo attached." Maybe I am a bit. Maybe as a human being I created a bond with another human being that cannot be broken, and maybe I don't want it broken.
Maybe like the song that was written through me before I met him- maybe there is that one person we may meet in life who is impossible to replace. And I met him. If I am meant to love again, love someone besides him, the dude will have to be amazing for ME. Not perfect but perfect for me. I can't even imagine it, honestly. I can get a little lonely I'll admit. I am tired of doing everything alone because I want my Beloved sharing life with me, but I much prefer going at it alone right now than sharing life with someone other than Joron.
I am ready to have my Beloved back with me again. Sharing our love across the miles. Sending sexy videos to show him I am thinking of him and love him soooo much. Saying good morning and good night. Talking on the phone for hours. Sending links and expanding each others minds.
Loving each other fully. That's key. Our love was SO huge and right and sweet and good that it was spiritual for those reasons. Because it was so... good and right. So real. So God-like. He does not have to be a believer for it to be a God-like love. He's so sweet, and so am I. Two totally loving people coming together to just LOVE each other; that's a perfect God-like intimacy and spiritual-like love.
I believe in him. And I believe in us. I only hope Destiny is what I pray it is for me, and him. We are honestly so perfect for each other that it would be tragic to be apart. Such a loss.
A part of my heart is with him, and I think that's how it's meant to be. He will forever be my one true love.
Hugs,
"Rose"
Talk to him. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to reunite. The only thing that is holding you back is fear right now, but fear is an illusion. Push through it and you will find yourself on the other side.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting your thoughts but sometimes I wonder if people are actually reading the same words as I am writing. I've stressed over and over that I can write him in 3D until I am blue in the face and he won't respond. I *have* written to him. I am SO not scared to write to him because I know either he will respond normally {if my energy is clear} or he will respond with total "not of this world" nonsense {if I am being shown my energy through his mirroring} or he will be silent {if I am not meant to have any response at all.} Ever since the moment he went quiet last year my guidance told me to "call out to him with energy" by thinking of him, owning his love inside me, and writing to him in my JOURNAL. Only when I've listened to my guidance, worked hard on my energy through journaling or writing on my blog {or even when I was still allowed to write on the forum} only then has he mirrored that and reconnected with me. Awakened Queen: I know not many people believe me. I don't expect you to if you are not having the same experience as I am. I have one friend in real life going through the same exact thing, and another in Wales who sees the process too. Luckily my best friend totally gets it and fully supports me. I know what my guidance tells me. I know what I am shown. I am NOT afraid to contact him, and if anything it takes more effort for me to surrender to writing "energetically" than to emailing him. I email him. He stays quiet. Why? Because for some annoying frustrating energetic reason he's meant to. I will admit I have not dived in like I've been told to. I don't like the work. I resent it. I get mad at my Higher Self for choosing this experience for me. I just want him back now. That's my ego and it gets in the way. There is one thing I know about all this and that is we both love each other on all levels, not just soul. We had no badness, no argument, no "ending." One day he was head over heels in love, and the next he was gone. None of it has been normal, none of it can be examined from a 3D perspective. So, there is no fear. I do write to him in 3D. I've poured my heart and truth out to him. Right now it's still controlled through the mirroring and I am just trying to figure it out. I'm going to go inner for a while and then I'm going to try reaching out again. Everyone used to get on my case on SF because I "put him on a pedestal" but it's hard not to when he's shown me how much he loves me, how respectful and loving he is, but when I doubt any of that: bam he becomes my worst fears. He's meant to- and I can't blame him for being used as my mirror.
ReplyDeleteOne other comment: did you happen to see where I spilled my guts to him and told him all about our soul connection? It took a shit ton of guts for me to swallow any fear and tell a staunch Atheist that we are soul connected. I explained how he can go quiet for a while but then if I do something here, like get shit-faced drunk and pissy inside, he'll then "reach out" from 2100 miles away and send me something cold, even cruel, for no 3D reason. Like we will have had no contact, last words loving, and BOOM he'll totally be used as my mirror. It can't be ignored, and I refuse to believe it's "just his ego" when there is no reason for it, like it's never in response to any 3D conversation; it's only in response to my energy. I explained honestly that I'd been drinking too much and how his mirroring helped end my drinking. I wrote this huge long email and sent it. I heard nothing for a while until one night while camping with my son, looking up at the Milky Way, I prayed SO hard to hear something. Anything. Just to know he was still out there, our connection still alive. I did get an email right at that moment I was praying. He wrote and said he was coming back and he wanted to see me.
ReplyDeleteHe wrote that we could "Meet for a drink." His messages before that {the really really bad ones that came through when I was drunk and bitching about him on the phone to a GF} were all about sex. This message said "No, I don't want sex." It's always the strangest stuff that is used to force me to own my truth. He wrote that twice more- meeting for a drink. In "real life" my Beloved would NEVER dream of asking me to have a drink after reading my messages. He would have wanted to discuss it with me; he would understand. But in this "union" and the energy and I guess me not listening to the whole "surrender and reach out to him via energy instead of being compelled to email him" causes him to channel to me the strangest enigmatic BS. So here you are telling me to email him and be honest {which I totally have} but my Higher Self has shown me that I can write to him as much as I want to via email and he WILL stay silent. Only my energy work, if I am committed to doing it, helps.
Months back I finally caved to doing this. I sat under a tree and began writing to him in my journal. Half way through I got the wise idea to email him a picture of my legs {which looked awfully cute that day, lol.} So I snapped a pic, wrote the email and when I hit "send" it failed. Should not have failed. Something about the network. So I said out loud to Spirit, "Oh right- I am not supposed to be using 3D, right?" RIGHT THEN- right that very moment he text me {and we never ever text any more which is so sad to me} out of the blue and said, "I love you." It was complete affirmation from above that I am NOT supposed to rely on 3D communication with him. I don't like it! I want to write to him, hear back, and be in contact. But that's not going to happen right now, and I've been shown this 100%. Either I must accept this and do my 5D energy work, which for me is writing, or I can choose to tune it all out, block it and walk away. Or run away. I've been close, believe me. This is not the easiest situation but my twin soul has totally helped heal me, shown me so much inside of me, and has shown me HUGE love even throughout our separation. I can't give up on me, him or us. I've gotta give it my all. Once I've given it my all, totally, then I'll have a clearer mind on how I will choose to move forward if... well just if, lol.
Just to clarify, if you feel the Universe is pulling you to contact him, do it. If you feel like there's an invisible wall there, don't. You'll know. I went through the same thing. It's tough. Stay strong and have faith there is a reason for all of this. Everything will make sense in time. It's like putting a jigsaw puzzle together. You'll look back and think "Ahh, I get why I was guided to do that." It may not be for the reason you think. The Universe is a sneaky bitch. It sounds like with every day passing, you get stronger. Congrats :)
ReplyDeleteUse the Violet Flame to communicate with him. I think it will help you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.soulfulheartreadings.com/twinflameinformation/twin-flame-prayer/
Thank you! This is a wonderful prayer. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
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