Hugs!

I would really love to hug James again.

There's a lot inside of me, and I don't always know how to process it.  My words and thoughts are quickly being shown back to me in ways I don't specifically share here.  I don't know if any of you are experiencing this but it seems I am manifesting faster and harder all the time, and I have to be super careful of what I am creating because guys I am still creating shit I don't like. 

I've been debating whether or not to take the blog down.  I don't have much to say anymore on here because there is nothing left to share besides my loving memories.  But I think I will leave it up for others who might need to find it and see that, no, they are not crazy.  Maybe I am doing something beneficial then; my experience can do some good for others.

But I honestly can't write here anymore, not until I have something really large to share, something shifts for the better and I can share my excitement and joy with you all.  Wouldn't that be nice, a good dose of hope and joy?  Sure would be.

For now though, since I am shown I need to really be careful in what I say about my journey, I'm going to try and step back for a while and do my writing privately.  It is more comfortable for me to write about my loving memories and dreams of James {some of them not completely PG-rated} freely while doing so in private.  And here I find myself writing about the experience too much when I feel I need to focus only on love.  It is not always easy to write over and over again about the times we spent together here.  I've shared it already.  You don't need to read it twenty-five times.

I really hope and pray I can do this, whatever "this" is.  Something to do with shifting the energy and changing my focus.  It's a meticulous process.  I feel like I can do it.  I've always only ever felt that I would eventually get through this and back to James.  In my mind and heart there is no other option.

I want to create my Love back in my arms again like he once was, true bliss.  I want to allow him to love me again like I know he wants to.

I dream of talking to my loving friend again.

So, bye for now while I do my private work.  I do always try my best.  I love him too much not to try.

Best of luck and blessings to all.

Love and hugs,

Jennifer

My Love for You Is Never-Ending

Well spring is here, well kind of in the Midwest.  It's cold today but we had a nice Easter day which was great for the kids to go out and play.  My son, oh my dear child, he did the sweetest thing yesterday.  My whole family {not me though} is Catholic and we always pray before our meals.  She asked for someone to say grace and he, at six years-old, raised his hand and thanked God for the food.  She added some extra words and then my son wanted to say one more thing.  Very vehemently he thanked God for protecting all of the people in the bus that turned over because no one died.  My little sweetie.  My child and I don't go to church and he knows nothing of the "Christ died for our sins but then rose again from the dead" stuff but he does know that God is love, per his own words and knowing.  For us Easter is about blessings, yes, but mostly about The Easter Bunny and spending time sharing a good meal with our family!  And that is fine.  We often give thanks for what we have, and giving thanks and being grateful is the most important part anyway.

James met my mother's side of the family when he agreed to attend a family cookout with me, and I had a wonderful time with him that day.  He spent the day with me, PJ and my family and it is one of my most favorite memories ever.  I think I've said that most of my best memories were from those few weeks we spent together.  But I've always wished he could meet my father's side of the family.  They would love James so much, and they'd be so happy to see me with such a kind, thoughtful, respectful, loving and caring man.  They'd really appreciate him.  So every holiday that passes I always wish he was with us.  I wish he was coming along with us to spend family time together.  He'd love my family as well.  I have a large, fun and loving family.  I'm highly blessed in that regard.  And all they want is for me to be happy, and I was happy with James.  I loved being with him and I am really sad without him.

I wish he was back with me.  I love him dearly and miss him more than I, the wordsmith, can properly find words to express. That is about all I can say.  I do totally believe 110% what I write here.  And really there is nothing left to share except to write about the great times I shared with him, and if you've read my blog then you've already seen that stuff before.  Yes my love for him is never-ending and yes I do believe he loves me but is my full spiritual mirror who reflects back to me what I am feeling.  So I am working on what I think, speak and write in the hopes that one day he can reflect only truth back to me, nothing less.  And his truth is only love and kindness.  I remember James and I know who he is, goodness and love.  I will not second guess him, and I will not question my own truth and beliefs.

The silence is difficult to handle yet I know it's not his intention.  I feel that he'd love to speak to me again.  Even so being away from my love and not being able to talk "in person" with my sweet dear friend is kicking the shit out of my heart.  So please have compassion for me or any other twin soul you may meet upon your own journey, and have compassion for yourselves and your twin souls.  I think they go through a lot too; I really do- even though they can't really show us due to that pesky "being our mirrors" part of the equation.

Blessings to all and much love to my sweet lovely twin soul.  I hope to shift this soon, my Love.  To me you are always a gift and a treasure. 

Jennifer

*Sigh*

I am having a fine day but still I love him and miss him so much.

I love his kisses.  I love being held in his strong arms.  I love how gently he touches my face before he smiles and kisses me.  I love the feeling of his lips on mine and how he slips his tongue in my mouth like he owns me.  I love the way he feels above me, moving inside of me.

I am dying inside.  I miss him so fucking much that I have to remind myself to breathe sometimes.

I remember how he always wanted to make me feel good in every single way.  How he craves my taste and wants to make sure I am pleasured and made to feel so totally loved and adored, every bit of me heart mind body and soul.  So perfect, such a gem.  He is one in 7.4 billion, unique, irreplaceable.

I miss James' smile.  I love his smiley voice.  He is always so happy and friendly and jovial, a very sweet approachable nature.  So easy to talk to.  My friend.  We became friends quickly.  I love being his friend.  And I miss him something fierce.  Like... I miss him to where I think I might spontaneously combust sometimes.  I fall into bed at night with a sigh like, "Okay I got through another day without bursting into flames and burning into a little pile of bittersweet ashes" because my poor heart aches so strongly that I don't know how I can even exist like this.  But I am.  And I miss him.  I ache to my bones.  I actually look forward to sleeping because it offers some respite from how much I ache for this man.  My love.  He will always be my love.

He is special to me, precious.  And my memories can make me cry.  I look back and remember him writing to me and telling me that having a baby with me is what he wants most.  And I didn't know what to do with that.  I didn't know how to allow him any closer.  So I guess I doubted it but now I think that YES he really has wants to have a baby with me.  And I pray... that is still possible because I want SO badly to be with James as my family and have another baby with him, and I still could.  I dream of him making love with me knowing we are trying to create life together.  How tightly I'd hold him.  How I'd tell him how much I love him and want to have his child, my biggest dream.  It is my biggest dream to have a baby with him, and sometimes that dream kicks the shit out of me right now.  It's hard to address, painful but I am here facing it because yes, it's what I want most in my life right now.  Him and our child are the only things missing from my life right now.  Otherwise I have a good happy life with my own son but I CRAVE and ache and yearn and dream for my FAMILY.  I want my family now, all of us.  I miss James and I dream of us being together as a family, making a baby together.  I'd love to carry his child and know... just how lucky I am to have a life that is half his inside of me.  I know he'd treat me wonderfully while pregnant.  And I want that more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, and yes DESIRING something so strongly does hurt sometimes... because I have to pray and hope and dream and wish for the best, throw the intention out there and PRAY that the possibility is still there.  I want this so badly that I can only try, keep working on it, continue doing what I feel I should in order to allow him back to me.  I feel he wants all this too.  He wants a life with me.  He misses me.  He wants me to be the mother of his child and he knows I'd be the perfect mommy, always loving and aware and sweet and kind.  Which I am.  OMG- yes, it is a dream that makes me ache right now but I won't back off from it.

I can either give in, give up or give it my all, my everything, and I am choosing to give it my everything.  I am not a Leo on accident.  I fight for what I want, and I am fighting even though I don't have solid "proof."  I only have my dreams, and they are dreams I hold close to my heart.  James as my husband and the father of our child.  I want nothing more than to feel his hands on my pregnant belly.  He'd be so super sweet and attentive to me, and I deserve that experience with someone as gloriously wonderful as he is.  And I feel in my heart that he wants to give me that beautiful life.  He wants to fullfil my dreams.  I believe he adores me and cherishes me too, and he wants to show me that.  He did, once.  He treated me like I am precious, because I am.

And so is he.  And I dream... I continue to dream.  I LOVE him so much.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot.  I wish and pray and hope and dream to speak to my love again one day.  He told me he could never go without seeing me again.  He wrote that to me, "Can't ever go without seeing you again," and I believe that is truth.  He wants to see me again, always has, and I pray so hard that I can still allow that to happen.  They say twin souls are always meant to be together no matter what.  I might not pay much attention to the twin soul teachings out there but that is the one thing I want to believe in: there is always a chance as long as I let it happen, work on my energy, focus and intention, allowing only love, always.  Knowing him.  Trusting in the loving sweet kind man who held me gently and kissed me passionately and loved me so so strongly, with respect and care and consideration.  Who treated my son with care too, attentive and perfect.  I want SO SO SO much for James to be PJ's loving sweet kind step-daddy, and I know he would be this for us, and he wants this too.  He met us and knew he'd found the people who were meant to be his family, and I still want that dream!  He told me he didn't know how to be a daddy but he could learn, and that he really liked my son, that my son was not a deal breaker and yes he wants me as his future.  HIS FUTURE.  He called me his future, and I still believe I am meant to be his future and he is meant to be mine.  He spoke my dreams to me and I want those dreams- so I am choosing to focus on my dreams.  Even though I love James to where I miss him every single moment I am awake.  Oh I miss him so much- I ache.  Good Lord!

*Sigh*  I long to hear my love's sweet voice again, to hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet lips.  He is so much a part of me, always in my heart.  He is so so so sweet and kind and gentle and respectful- that is the man I remember because that is how he treated me, 100%.  I believe in him and us, our love.  He adored my soul.  He was patient and waited for me to be ready to share my body while he loved my heart, mind and soul through and through.  He's my angel.

I just wish... to have him back now so this ache could be eased, for both of us because I believe that he aches too.  I pray every day to reach a place where my energy can bring him back to me.  For a shift, for "reunion" which to me means my Love is back in my arms again, or at least I hear from the love of my life again, my sweet dear kind man.  I hope he is well.  I really feel that he wants to be back with me.  My heart is invested in him.  I love my sweetheart with all my heart.

Jennifer

Sushi or Sandwiches?

I like this picture above.  I love how it explains in one neat little picture what I feel is the truth about "God" and getting closer to God and knowing God.  I've had so many people advise me that I need to forget about James and love and get closer to God and then I'll be doing what I am meant to be doing.  Then I freak out because I have no idea how to "get closer to God."  Like, how?

A long time ago my guidance told me about this twin soul journey, "Love is in charge."  And I said, "Love?"  I thought God was in charge?"  But maybe I understand better now.  Maybe it is clicking.  God and Love are the same, totally the same.  We have just mislabeled God and confused the fuck out our ourselves by attributing to God these human characteristics, like God is some kind of entity or being when God is really only Love.  So I really love this picture above.  It tells me that as long as I focus on love then I am always becoming more and more "one with God" like so many people want to advise me to do.  So... I can love the fuck out of James and in doing so I am also growing closer to God in the process.  And yes I love other people too.  Love is my super power.  How refreshing is it to know that in doing what comes natural to me, loving, I am actually doing the ONE thing that is needed to know God and get closer to God and really to be God.  It is not two separate issues.  Loving James is no different than getting closer to God or trying to become more one with God.  What a relief to understand this.

Marvelous.

So on to a different topic, kind of.  Still concerning "love."

Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional or if I am seeing truth.  I still don't know with 100% certainty but I will share with you something I've noticed lately.  You know how people say, and I've said it here on my blog, that we are meant to focus ONLY on what we love?  And we should not focus on what we don't love?  We should not focus on something we've done in the past that has brought about a result we did not like.  We should not discuss the car accident we had.  We should not discuss the things we do not want more of in our lives and instead we should only talk about, think about and write about the things we want more of.  The things we love.  This way MORE of the stuff we love can come into our lives since whatever we focus on is what we attract to us.

Okay okay so we've heard this already.  It sounds good.  It makes sense... but putting it into practice can be a real bitch.  And I've noticed something lately.  I could be wrong about this but it is an observation.  I am just trying to come up with a good analogy to explain it...

Let's say I love a good sushi dinner and I have not had one in ages and I really really want one, bad.  I had a great sushi dinner a few years ago and I loved it a lot.  And I want to have a lot of sushi dinners in the future {and this is in a world where I can't just go buy a sushi dinner- I am gonna have to attract it to me.}  So let's say I really want a sushi dinner over... sandwiches.  And sandwiches are more readily available.  And I am hungry but I don't want sandwiches even though I could have them if I wanted them but really I want sushi.

And whatever I focus on is what I am going to bring to me.  Whatever I focus on is what I am going to eventually make available to me.

So.  What I have noticed lately is this.  If I set my mind on sushi and focus on all the things I love about sushi and I remember in detail the delicious and fun sushi dinner in the past then I start to dream about sushi and hear about sushi and see signs of sushi... and my hope is this is showing me that I am bringing the REAL sushi closer to me, and then maybe one day I will find that a new sushi restaurant is opening near my home so I can have sushi all the time, whenever I want it because right now sushi... is not part of my 3D reality and I want it to be.  Badly.

Like I can taste it, that's how bad I want it.  It's so very very GOOD.

BUT- here is the thing.  If I instead talk about sandwiches, at all, then I am seeing signs of sandwiches and I am even dreaming of sandwiches and hearing songs about sandwiches and I'm having sandwiches thrust in my face.  And I see no signs of sushi at all.  The dreams about sushi stop when I instead focus on sandwiches.  Sushi feels farther and farther away when I don't focus on what I want, sushi, and instead I even dare to breath a word about sandwiches.

Like the best thing I could do for myself is pretend like sandwiches don't even exist and only put all my energy towards thinking about, dreaming about, remembering, even talking about or writing about, sushi- how much I love it, how awesome it is, all the great things I remember about it.  Because in doing so then the signs and dreams will start again, and hopefully this is a clear indication that I am bringing the reality of sushi into my life, by focusing ONLY on sushi.

Clearly realizing that the moment I turn my focus towards what I DO NOT WANT, sandwiches, I actually start de-energizing the sushi and re-energizing the sandwiches.

Does this analogy make sense to you?  I hope so because now I am hungry.  And I want sushi.

On the beach.  I want sushi on the beach.

Like I said to begin- sometimes I wonder if I am delusional.  Crazy?  LOL- I don't feel crazy at all although sometimes this union makes me feel like I am going to totally lose my mind.  I do ask myself if what I see is real or if I am just making associations in my head.  But lately it seems if I discuss, even in passing or with my therapist, anything that's happened that I do NOT like then I will dream about what I do not like or want.  But if I pay absolutely no attention to anything that has happened that I do not want or like and if I instead focus only on James, writing about him a lot in my journal, blogging about him, and ensuring I am very watchful of what I speak or communicate via email to friends {I try to say very little about James to anyone} and if what I write is all goodness, hope, love, affirmation that he loves me and is a wonderful person, then my dreams, signs, the songs I hear- they seem to shift to show me that my energy is "felt."  And my hope is this will bring James closer to being able to show me his love again. Because I know his love for me exists.  I strongly feel that he yearns to show me his strong love, the love he has for me, again.  I feel like he is nearly exploding with love for me, just like he was when we were together, and it does not feel good for him holding back all of that love- he wants to be loving to me.  He wants to be kind to me.  He wants to be his true honest genuine loving angelic self to me again.  And it seems when I focus on this, truth, then truth is shown to me via a good warm dream of him or hearing songs that speak to me of love, missing each other, soul, heart, etc.

But when I even for a moment shift that to speaking of something I do not like or do not want then I am shown that as well.  So it would seem.  I am going to err on the side of "Yes what I am seeing is the real deal" and try to keep my focus totally steady, focusing only on what I love and want more of which is him him him, my sweet James.

Actually the more I think about this... let's say I enjoy steak too but I like sushi better.  It's very objective, actually.  If I focus on steak I am gonna get steak.  If I focus on steak then one of my friends is going to send me a gift of frozen steaks in the mail, lol.  If I focus on sushi I am gonna get sushi. And this means for me to get sushi I must actively focus on it, wanting it, dreaming of it.  I can't just ignore any thought of it or distract from thinking of it because then I am not empowering it at all and then it's not going to manifest into my life.

Yeah I know I could just go out for dinner, lol.  I get that but you understand my analogy.   

And we shall see what happens.  I want to give a shout out to "myself" and say, hey make it as clear as you can so I SEE it strongly.  I don't care how intense it is.  I am strong- just show me.  The stronger and faster the better so I can get to my bliss and dream as fast as I can.

Focus only on what we love.  I am so working to be aware and focus only on what I love. James- I love James.  I love the time we spent together.  I love his friendly sweet loving caring kind personality and how gently he treated me, with such care and consideration.  I love how attentive he was to me.  I love that he is over-the-top affectionate and never hesitated to show me how much he loves me.  I love that he loves my kisses.  I love him so so so very much, and I love his huge love for me.

Sushi or sandwiches???

Sushi, at Union, please.  With my Love.

XxOo

Jennifer   

Kiss Me

Kiss Me- Ed Sheeran

I had a good weekend.  Spent some money on myself shopping, lol.  I don't do that often but my friend who lives with me, we ended up out shopping together and I bought some new dresses.  I rarely spend money on myself but once in a while feels nice.  I hate wearing pants and shorts.  They are super uncomfy for me.  I'd rather live in dresses unless I'm going bike riding or something like that.
 

This weekend the small town where I live was in the news, and thank GOD for miracles because it luckily was for an event that could have been horrible but ended up okay.  The high school boy's basketball team's bus overturned on the express way and everyone lived through it.  Seriously could have been an utterly tragic disaster so lots of people in my area sending out thanks to whoever is up there watching over us.  As a mother, even though my own child was not on that bus, I am SO thankful that none of those parents got news that no parent should ever hear.  So... a big shout out to the divine and good energy, etc. Man oh man.  My son and I have paused a few different times this weekend to thank God for keeping all those kids and adults safe. 

I am trying to stay in an energy of "thanks" and focusing on goodness, my blessings.  I went to the coffee shop this Friday night and met some really nice women.  Like-minded, awakening, dealing with energy, learning about manifestation, etc.  We had the nicest conversation and I am grateful for that too.  Saturday I went to my son's soccer game and he scored his first goal!  Little sweetheart.  I love him so very much.  And then my mom and I went out for coffee and talked for a while which was refreshing too.  It's good for me and my mom to spent time together.  She is retiring this year from her job of being a grade school cafeteria manager, and it's a job at which she does an excellent job.  She went from no college education, stay at home mom, to wiping down the tables in the cafeteria where my sister went to grade school; she was a cafeteria aid, and worked her way up to be the cafeteria manager at a local grade school.  She is a wonderful manager of her staff and she cares very much for the health and nutrition of the kids at the school.  I know she is sad to leave but it's her time to spend now with my dad, enjoying life after they have both worked very hard.  They've been through a ton, much of what I've written about on this blog, and it's their time to relax, travel and enjoy being together, especially after how far they both have come.  So we talked about her retirement and all the stuff her and my dad will be doing, spoiling this little Yorkie they have and love more than life itself, lol.  And then Sunday PJ and I had two birthday parties to go to, one for my nephew so it was nice to spend more time with my family.  

Again, consciously trying to pay attention to my blessings and be thankful for what is good in my life.

Right now, "I Won't Give up on Us" is playing.  *sigh*  It leads me to this point, though.  I am very thankful for all of the goodness in my life.  I really am.  I am very grateful for the miracle blessings concerning the bus accident this weekend.  I know my blessings.  But I am still so full of heartache.  I miss James tremendously.  I LOVE him and miss him to no end.  I wish we were back together.  I wish I could talk to my friend again.  I'd do pretty much anything {of Love} to be with James again.  The ache and the longing and the way my heart calls out to him is... rather hard to deal with.  But as I don't really know what to do with it I am just trying to feel it and not freak out.  I keep affirming that I know he loves me too, and he wants to be with me.  I feel that he's out there hoping I will continue to shift energy, stay focused on love and truth, remain persistent and consistent, so he can return to me.  I just feel in my heart that my Love is out there and he wants to be with me more than anything else.  So I am holding on to that, always.  I don't know what else to do.  I won't ever be perfect.  I still get irritated with people.  I still complain.  I'm currently eating a big fat piece of entirely delicious homemade chocolate cake from the birthday party yesterday, and it's amazing... although I should probably be eating an apple {I have one for later, lol.} I cried last night because I feel like my son's dad judges me and finds me lacking, but then again I should not really care what he thinks of me because I know I am a good mom and person no matter what my ex-husband may think of me.  I really try to overlook things.  Still I do notice.  I can't help but notice.  I work on how I react to what I notice though.  I refuse to be "that ex-wife."  I like to be easy to get along with, pleasant.  That is me.

I am aching though because with James it would be so different, wonderfully different.  He'd be the perfect man to share life with, and I am mourning not having my gift in my life right now.  I want him back with us so strongly.  I want him with us to be part of our family.  I know he'd treat me with total respect.  He'd appreciate me.  He totally did and does appreciate me still!  He would not ever judge me and he loves me unconditionally.  He would honor my quirks and my unique personality.  My son's dad did not, at all.  He always told me I am weird.  I know I am not "weird" just different, and different is good, but it makes me so sad because James loves my being different.  He loves the things about me that annoyed my son's dad.  James would be the man who would cook with me or make me dinner.  Or eat with me, talk with me, make me a priority.  He'd want to be with me and be happy to see me at the end of the day.  He'd gladly hug me and kiss me when getting home from work.  He'd make plans to do stuff together and share time together.  He would choose to spend time with me, and he'd be happy to.  He would actually look forward to seeing me, and he did when we dated.  It was so beautiful, so so beautiful.  Heaven.

I count my blessings and I am thankful.  I can appreciate the goodness in my life.  But I still miss my love and my friend.  I ache for him.  And it pulls at me  Being around my son's dad, the contrast between him and James, is bittersweet.  James is my gift.  He is everything I have ever asked for in a man.  He's my dreams come true.  He is the man I DESERVE in my life because he is so so so wonderful, loving, kind, respectful, attentive and he showed me so much love and major acceptance: a gift.  He came to me on my 40th birthday, my sweet friendly little birthday present.

I want my gift back.  I love him so much I can barely stand it.  I miss him more than words can explain.  I want only him, forever.  I want him to be my husband.  I am lonely for him.  I think of him with love all the time, and I just want to feel him in my arms again.  I want to hear his sweet voice.  I want to get a message from him where I can feel my friend and love again.  I want to hear from the "real" James.  My friend.  My buddy.  The man I giggled with and couldn't wait to talk to.  I miss his boyish bouncy presence, and I hope and wish and pray to hear from that loving kind gentle funny man soon.  I am working on it.  It is my focus, my priority.  My own private personal "mission."  I keep telling me that my energetic "magic" is real and to own it, fully. 

My heart aches though!!!  OMG my poor heart.  My poor heart!!!

I hope wherever my adorable sweetheart is- he feels my love, and is safe, comfy and his blessings many.  I am so in love with you my dear, always will be.  I want you to KISS ME!!!  I hold your heart gently in my hands.  I know you love me like I love you.  And I pray for the moment when I can hear from you, the man I kissed and held and cuddled, again.  To hear you call me "honey"... would be my miracle.

I know you'd love to call me honey again.  I AM your honey.

Jennifer

When You're Gone

Oh GOOD LORD in Heaven above.  I pray and pray and pray to have something shift so this ache can ease because I honestly do not know how to handle it.  It's all I can do to not go totally out of my mind bonkers.  *deep breath*

I miss you so much.  I miss you from the moment I fall asleep at night through on to the minute I awaken, and you are right there back in my mind and heart again.  And I don't even ask for it.  You are always there.  Always.  And I love you so very much.  All I want to do is hold you and hug you and kiss you so sweetly and lovingly, like Strawberry Fields- I just want to finally be your Strawberry Fields with my arms wrapped around you holding you so tightly, relishing the feel of your body in my arms.  I want to love you and be good to you. 

I remember what it feels like to hug you.  You and I fit well together.  You feel so good wrapped up in my arms.  Perfect, perfect fit.  I ACHE to experience the sensation of feeling you in my arms again, total bliss.  I had no idea that the last time I hugged you would be so long ago, and I feel like this ache is never going to go away until you are back in my arms!  I don't know what to do because all I can remember is how sweet you were to me, so wonderful.  The best man ever, and I want you back.

You treated me and my son with kindness and respect.  You included him; you brought him little treats and thought of him.  You always asked me how he was doing or what we did together.  You told me you thought I was an amazing mother, and you were impressed with how I was raising my son.  You could tell I am totally loving and nurturing, and you loved that about me.  I love how you made sure to take into consideration and respect my mommy-role.  You always respected me being a mother.  You came to see me instead of asking me to go out.  You were more than willing to visit me at my home knowing that PJ would be there, sleeping or getting ready for bed. I love how you'd come in and wait for me outside his room, so patient.  Always so patient and kind!  You are unique.  There are good men in the world, yes, but you are a rare breed in just how patient and respectful you were with me.  And how you made sure to involve my son even though we were only together for a few weeks.  Please know how thankful I am to you for being so sweet to us.  It is one of the reasons why I love you so very much, and why I will always only believe that you are the caring man who made the effort spent time with us.  Only a good dear man would do something as thoughtful.

The fact that you planned that day with me and my son will forever stick in my heart.  It was the best day of my life.  I wish you were back with us.  I miss you so much, and I have not been the same since you've been gone.  You really did take a piece of my heart with you and I only want you in my life as my man, my companion, my friend, the love of my life, my husband and part of my loving family.

I don't know what to do with this feeling.  It's overwhelming.  I guess all I can do is love you from afar, remember us, and pray hard for your return.  I need to talk to you.  I need to see you again.  I need to hug you and touch your face and kiss you gently.

I miss you so very much.  When you came into my life I met my dream come true, and ever since you've been gone- my dreams walked away with you.  All I want is my dream back, you.  You are my dream come true.  I love you and miss you with all of my heart.  I know you- you are the sweet man who brought me cookies and chocolates.  You touched gently and protectively like I am precious to you, like you cherish me.  You were patient with me, always very tender and courteous.  So very respectful, always.  Even when flirting with me or letting me know you desire me you always said the right words, so loving and affectionate and cute and friendly so it felt right, pure and clean and right.  You never pushed me- you only waited for me.  You relished sitting and kissing me for hours.  You enjoyed my presence.  You fell quickly in love with me.  And you told me if you met just the right woman, fell in love with her, that maybe true love would make you stay here.  And I know you meant me, and I know you wanted to stay with me.

I know you.  You are the man who took us on the play date to feed the baby alligators and go mini golfing.  My son still speaks of you with love because he remembers you spending that time with us, it was probably one of the only time he's ever seen his mommy truly blissfully happy, and it's the only time he's ever seen me happy with a man.  You are the only man my son has seen me spend time with, go on a date with, be with where I was happy and treated very well.  You are the only man my son remembers making me smile.  He saw us kiss for a moment.  He's never seen another man treat my that way or make me smile or bring such happiness to me.  So thank you for showing my son, even for a moment, how I am made to be loved.

I miss you so fucking much.  I wish you were back with me.  Every day I wish you were back with me, with us.  You are irreplaceable to me, my gift.  And I want my gift back.  I have missed you and ached for you since the day you left.  Since the moment I watched you walk out my door after asking me if I am going to look you in the eyes when we exchange our vows- I have wanted you back in my arms.  I've never wanted something more.  I've never had an actual dream or wanted something as badly as I want you in my life, to share life with.  I want to go shopping with you and make dinner with you, feel your arms around me always, holding hands all the time, in love.  Kissy and close and sweet, and making love every night.

You told me you want me as your future, and I still believe that.  You told me you want to kiss me good night in person every night and kiss me good morning every morning.  You told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever."  Your words were always so sweet, honest and genuine.  Heart-felt and real, and I believe our love still exists.  I believe you still love me as much now as you did then, and I believe you clearly know the fear I am facing down through all of this, and how I am totally unwilling to let go or walk away or give up, and you appreciate that from me.  At least that's how it feels to me.

I love you.  With my entire heart, mind and soul.  You mean the world to me.

Love and hugs,

Jennifer

The Blues

I have a bad case of "The Blues."

When I first met James I did know he was a soul mate to me.  I felt it.  He was too right, too cute, too magnetic, too perfect and felt too familiar to me to be anything other than a soul mate.  But I wasn't surprised because by this time I'd met other soul mates.  It was becoming my norm!  Still I had no idea that he would be think one I've been linked with for so long now.  I had no idea I'd be this deeply in love with him.

Every morning I pass by Lucille's, the bar where we met.  I drive by the parking lot and more often than not I imagine seeing his black car sitting there with him getting out to walk towards me after I pulled in.  I can still see him in my mind's eye- soooooo damn cute.  In all ways.  I don't even mean just physically.  It was his huge boyish disarming smile.  He looked SO happy and self-assured and confident, and just seriously happy.  He looked like I felt.  And he embraced me immediately and said, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be," but it wasn't a come on or a line.  It felt totally sincere.  He was by far the sweetest man I'd ever met.  Everything about him was totally completely 100% perfect.

I ache.  I know I know- I say that a lot lately.  But I am honoring my feelings and being true to my heart.  I ache, and I am allowing myself to go ahead and feel melancholy.  All I can do to get through this and stay balanced is to remember James as I knew him for those couple months that he was in my life, and also after he left, the few times when the energy shifted and he was able to be his sweet adorable self again.  This guy's love is OVER THE MOON I hope you understand.  Right before this "changed" he sent me a photo of himself because I asked to see his smile.  He stood holding a sign that read, "I LOVE you!" with this big ole' adorable smile on his face- cutest thing ever.  Like totally sweet, kind, heart-on-his-sleeve affectionate and loving.  THAT is the man I write about here.  THAT is the man who resides in my heart, and THAT is the man I believe in.

A few songs have come my way recently.  One is Amy Grant's "I Will Remember You."  I heard that one the other day and cried.  "Knowing how you made me laugh.  Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past.  I will remember you."  *sigh*  He made me laugh all the time.  Totally giggle.  He is so silly and cute and friendly, and we created a good friendship.  "Our love is frozen in time.  I will be your champion and you will be mine.  I will remember you."  I love my friend so very much and I am absolutely aching to speak with that loving sweet friendly man again, my love.

Then yesterday on my drive home I heard a few other songs that really spoke to me.  One is "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues."  Oh I heard this song a few months ago and really listened to it for the first time and I bawled.  I feel like he's speaking to me through the entire song, and yes every word is truth for our relationship.  It's like he's telling me yes, he's not here right now but I need to tackle my demons and continue to hold him close to my heart.  There is a line that says, "Without me girl, cry in the night if it helps, but more than ever, I simply love you more than I love life itself."  I feel like I am being told YES go on and cry.  CRY if you have to cry.  But he also says "I love you more than I love life itself" and I feel this about James- he loves me.  He might not be here right now but he loves me.

And he sings, "And never forget I'm your man."  Right.  He is MY man.  He is the only man I want in my life. 

In this song the man is "away."  And he tells her to stare into space and to picture his face in her hands.  And I do.  I picture his sweet face in my hands all the time.  I can imagine him standing in front of me, my hands on the sides of his face, just looking at him or kissing him.  I want to touch his face so much, gently caress his skin and kiss his sweet lips. 

I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands should be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Ugh sometimes I ask myself if I am delusional because it's songs like this one that feel like James is absolutely speaking to me, fully, through the words of this song.  How he said, "And never forget I'm your man," to me feels like he is reminding me- yes, I am the one for you.  You are still the only woman I want, and I want you for me so don't forget that."  I know twin soul stuff says we are learning to drop possessiveness and all that but there IS such a thing as pair-bonding.  And when two people love each other they don't want to be with anyone else, and they don't want to share their partner.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  It's natural.  It's biological.  It's a healthy love attachment when inspired through love and affection and wanting to be each others "one and only."  I feel like even though James isn't here and he can't come right out and tell me- I need to fight through any illusion and always hold on to the truth that if I were ever to stray he'd end up heartbroken and sad.  He is wishing I will see past everything and hold on to him, stay committed to our union, and never let go.  You don't even know how much of a challenge it is for me to think this way but there's this voice inside of me saying, "He wants you so much.  He is sad without you too.  Please hold on to him through all of this." 

Still though, I honestly cannot achieve that level of joyfulness and happiness that many twin soul people say we have to reach in order to get to union.  It's impossible for me. I feel like this song- I do cry in the night.  It helps, a little bit.  I cry all the time.  I want to cry right now, writing this.  But how can I not?  You tell me.  I know he's out there.  I feel that he loves me.  But I miss him while he is "away."  We DID laugh like children.  We did live like lovers, sweet lovers.  He is my friend.  We talked and shared and got so so so close, attached to each other.  I miss him to the depths of my soul.  He is irreplaceable to me.

He told me he wants me to be the last woman he kissed in his 30s, the first woman he kissed in his 40s, and the last woman he kissed ever.  He told me he waited for his destiny to be born before him, and I was by less than a day.  He spoke truth to me and it is a truth I refuse to let go of.  I know he simply loves me more than he loves life itself, like I love him.

But in order to be good to myself and honor my heart and treat myself gently, I will "cry in the night" without him.  I seriously miss my friend and my love.  I ache for him, a deep deep ache.  I want him back in my arms.  I want to talk to him again.  I was us to laugh together. I want to hear him gently urge me to share my deepest fantasies with him, to talk about our future together, to have him ask me to tell him my "naughty thoughts" about us and what I fantasize about doing "under the covers," me and him close and intimate and naked and together, loving and wonderful.  I've shared the most beautiful love with this man, and I need him back in my life.  I do not love him because I need him.  I need him because I love him.  I fell in love with him and I need him back.

I want him to be the last man I kiss too- the only man I kiss.  He was the last man I kissed, and I want to kiss him again.  I love how we sat and kissed each other for hours, those sweet adorably gentle kisses.  I NEED to kiss my love again.

I am sorry that my blog reads like a bunch of sad sad songs right now, but think about all of the other "artists" out there who create songs and stories that have been born from their own sadness and heartache.  That's how I feel right now.  I can't keep it inside- I LOVE him so much that I can barely take it.  I miss him to the moon and back.  All I want in my life, more than anything besides what I already have, is James in my life.  I want to marry him and be his happy wife.  I want to have a baby with him.  I want him to treat me lovingly while I carry our child, and I know he would be so so so caring and loving.  I want that experience with him; it is an experience I've never had.  I want MY happy family now, with a mommy and a daddy and kids.  I want HIM though, only him.  I can only envision him as my husband.  Only James feels right to me.  So yes I still have hope.  My heart... my heart can only imagine James holding me at night and smiling at me in the morning and saying "good morning honey" with his cute little grin, in his sweet soft sexy voice.

I miss my Love so much, so so much.  I can only pray to God to help be strong enough to handle this ache because it is so deep.  I love him so much, and I miss him.

But my heart tells me he feels the same way.  Time on his hands should be time spent with me.  He wants to share life with me.  We are meant to be together.

I guess that's why they call it the blues.