Kiss Me

Kiss Me- Ed Sheeran

I had a good weekend.  Spent some money on myself shopping, lol.  I don't do that often but my friend who lives with me, we ended up out shopping together and I bought some new dresses.  I rarely spend money on myself but once in a while feels nice.  I hate wearing pants and shorts.  They are super uncomfy for me.  I'd rather live in dresses unless I'm going bike riding or something like that.
 

This weekend the small town where I live was in the news, and thank GOD for miracles because it luckily was for an event that could have been horrible but ended up okay.  The high school boy's basketball team's bus overturned on the express way and everyone lived through it.  Seriously could have been an utterly tragic disaster so lots of people in my area sending out thanks to whoever is up there watching over us.  As a mother, even though my own child was not on that bus, I am SO thankful that none of those parents got news that no parent should ever hear.  So... a big shout out to the divine and good energy, etc. Man oh man.  My son and I have paused a few different times this weekend to thank God for keeping all those kids and adults safe. 

I am trying to stay in an energy of "thanks" and focusing on goodness, my blessings.  I went to the coffee shop this Friday night and met some really nice women.  Like-minded, awakening, dealing with energy, learning about manifestation, etc.  We had the nicest conversation and I am grateful for that too.  Saturday I went to my son's soccer game and he scored his first goal!  Little sweetheart.  I love him so very much.  And then my mom and I went out for coffee and talked for a while which was refreshing too.  It's good for me and my mom to spent time together.  She is retiring this year from her job of being a grade school cafeteria manager, and it's a job at which she does an excellent job.  She went from no college education, stay at home mom, to wiping down the tables in the cafeteria where my sister went to grade school; she was a cafeteria aid, and worked her way up to be the cafeteria manager at a local grade school.  She is a wonderful manager of her staff and she cares very much for the health and nutrition of the kids at the school.  I know she is sad to leave but it's her time to spend now with my dad, enjoying life after they have both worked very hard.  They've been through a ton, much of what I've written about on this blog, and it's their time to relax, travel and enjoy being together, especially after how far they both have come.  So we talked about her retirement and all the stuff her and my dad will be doing, spoiling this little Yorkie they have and love more than life itself, lol.  And then Sunday PJ and I had two birthday parties to go to, one for my nephew so it was nice to spend more time with my family.  

Again, consciously trying to pay attention to my blessings and be thankful for what is good in my life.

Right now, "I Won't Give up on Us" is playing.  *sigh*  It leads me to this point, though.  I am very thankful for all of the goodness in my life.  I really am.  I am very grateful for the miracle blessings concerning the bus accident this weekend.  I know my blessings.  But I am still so full of heartache.  I miss James tremendously.  I LOVE him and miss him to no end.  I wish we were back together.  I wish I could talk to my friend again.  I'd do pretty much anything {of Love} to be with James again.  The ache and the longing and the way my heart calls out to him is... rather hard to deal with.  But as I don't really know what to do with it I am just trying to feel it and not freak out.  I keep affirming that I know he loves me too, and he wants to be with me.  I feel that he's out there hoping I will continue to shift energy, stay focused on love and truth, remain persistent and consistent, so he can return to me.  I just feel in my heart that my Love is out there and he wants to be with me more than anything else.  So I am holding on to that, always.  I don't know what else to do.  I won't ever be perfect.  I still get irritated with people.  I still complain.  I'm currently eating a big fat piece of entirely delicious homemade chocolate cake from the birthday party yesterday, and it's amazing... although I should probably be eating an apple {I have one for later, lol.} I cried last night because I feel like my son's dad judges me and finds me lacking, but then again I should not really care what he thinks of me because I know I am a good mom and person no matter what my ex-husband may think of me.  I really try to overlook things.  Still I do notice.  I can't help but notice.  I work on how I react to what I notice though.  I refuse to be "that ex-wife."  I like to be easy to get along with, pleasant.  That is me.

I am aching though because with James it would be so different, wonderfully different.  He'd be the perfect man to share life with, and I am mourning not having my gift in my life right now.  I want him back with us so strongly.  I want him with us to be part of our family.  I know he'd treat me with total respect.  He'd appreciate me.  He totally did and does appreciate me still!  He would not ever judge me and he loves me unconditionally.  He would honor my quirks and my unique personality.  My son's dad did not, at all.  He always told me I am weird.  I know I am not "weird" just different, and different is good, but it makes me so sad because James loves my being different.  He loves the things about me that annoyed my son's dad.  James would be the man who would cook with me or make me dinner.  Or eat with me, talk with me, make me a priority.  He'd want to be with me and be happy to see me at the end of the day.  He'd gladly hug me and kiss me when getting home from work.  He'd make plans to do stuff together and share time together.  He would choose to spend time with me, and he'd be happy to.  He would actually look forward to seeing me, and he did when we dated.  It was so beautiful, so so beautiful.  Heaven.

I count my blessings and I am thankful.  I can appreciate the goodness in my life.  But I still miss my love and my friend.  I ache for him.  And it pulls at me  Being around my son's dad, the contrast between him and James, is bittersweet.  James is my gift.  He is everything I have ever asked for in a man.  He's my dreams come true.  He is the man I DESERVE in my life because he is so so so wonderful, loving, kind, respectful, attentive and he showed me so much love and major acceptance: a gift.  He came to me on my 40th birthday, my sweet friendly little birthday present.

I want my gift back.  I love him so much I can barely stand it.  I miss him more than words can explain.  I want only him, forever.  I want him to be my husband.  I am lonely for him.  I think of him with love all the time, and I just want to feel him in my arms again.  I want to hear his sweet voice.  I want to get a message from him where I can feel my friend and love again.  I want to hear from the "real" James.  My friend.  My buddy.  The man I giggled with and couldn't wait to talk to.  I miss his boyish bouncy presence, and I hope and wish and pray to hear from that loving kind gentle funny man soon.  I am working on it.  It is my focus, my priority.  My own private personal "mission."  I keep telling me that my energetic "magic" is real and to own it, fully. 

My heart aches though!!!  OMG my poor heart.  My poor heart!!!

I hope wherever my adorable sweetheart is- he feels my love, and is safe, comfy and his blessings many.  I am so in love with you my dear, always will be.  I want you to KISS ME!!!  I hold your heart gently in my hands.  I know you love me like I love you.  And I pray for the moment when I can hear from you, the man I kissed and held and cuddled, again.  To hear you call me "honey"... would be my miracle.

I know you'd love to call me honey again.  I AM your honey.

Jennifer